Please help? I need some advice

I've read PC a lot and the advice is awesome that everyone gives so I would like to share my story.

I was married for 5 years (no kids). My mom was diagnosed with cancer and I moved in with her to help her get to and from chemo. My husband was completely understanding. He let a friend of his move in while I was gone and he started smoking pot again. His step-father died and he moved his mother in the house too. We started arguing a lot. His mother was then diagnosed with Huntington's disease. I don't know what I was thinking, but I started seeing someone while I was still married.

I told my husband I wanted a divorce and it broke his heart. He wanted to work on things even after I told him that I had cheated on him. He refused to sign the papers for months and kept trying to get me to reconsider. My mother was pushing me to get a divorce, even though she loved my husband, because my new love interest was in law school and that was more prestigious than what my husband did (meat manager at a wholesale club).

After my mom died, I moved in with my love interest who is now my fiance. I have not properly grieved for my mother and I am going to therapy for some issues that I am dealing with because of her. I don't know if it is because of my loss that I am sad or I don't know if I've made a mistake.
My fiance is a very negative person. I have become a very quiet person because I don't want to hear his negative comments about whatever I say. He used to make fun of me in front of his friends and he deliberately tries to make me angry. I told him that it hurt me when he did this but he didn't change. Last December, I told my sister and brother that I was unhappy and I was thinking of leaving. I left in February and met someone else the same month.

My fiance completely turned around and promised he would change. I still loved him but I also had a new person that I liked. I made the mistake of keeping both of them for a short while in case one didn't work. My fiance was a completely different person-he was back to the person I fell in love with. The other one was too far away but I kept talking to him anyway. My fiance found out (I wasn't engaged at this point because we had just gotten back together) and I agreed to break up with the other one on the phone in front of fiance.

Now, he constantly brings up this other man that I had a very brief relationship with. It was wrong on my part to even think of having a relationship so quickly but I had dealt with so much negativity and low self-esteem and this person was so positive and caring. My fiance makes snide remarks to me about being a cheater. Sometimes he does this in front of others and so I have stopped going to social events with him so I don't have to deal with it because it makes me feel horrible.

I still talk to my ex-husband because we are really good friends but I don't talk to him as much because I know my fiance does not like it. My ex-husband told me that he wants me back. I have been divorced for over 2 years and my house is the same as when I left...he hasn't changed anything and my clothes that I left behind are still hanging in the closet. A lot of my friends are mutual friends with my ex-husband and I've stopped hanging around them. I am now completely isolated from my friends because I am trying to make this relationship work...but I am depressed and unhappy. We have our good times but it's nothing compared to the good memories that I have with my ex. I miss my friends and my house and my ex-husband. I don't want to make a rash decision in my state of mind. Can anyone give me some advice that will help me?

Bootiebear,

First I am very about your mom and I'm glad you are getting some therapy.

I wonder if you have told your therapist everything about all the men in your life? If not, it definately needs to be discussed.

In my opinion, it sounds like alot happened all at once, your mom - your husbands parents, etc. and that you had trouble with dealing with it all and got comfort from a stranger that later became your fiance.

It does not sound like a healthy relationship at all and it sounds like you know that. You really haven't said any good reason of why you are with him. Your mom pushed you because he was more prestigious, you went back because he changed for a few days?

There definately sounds like there are issues with your own insecurities since you admit that you left the fiance and immediately went to someone else.

In my opinion, the best thing would be to stay alone for awhile, become self-sufficient, confident of yourself, and discuss all of this in therapy.

I ended a 10 year relationship 3 years ago and I am still alone. Am I lonely? Yes!!!! But, I also know that I don't like myself enough yet to be able to enter into a relationship - I'm getting real close, but I want to be right with myself first.

Something I read somewhere reallllly struck me - it said "Are you the person you would like to date?". I realized my answer was no, so now I'm striving to be that person.

I send you lots of positive energy and I hope you can make sense of your emotions and feelings through therapy.

I also thank you for being trusting enough to share your story - I am honored to hear it.

Tranquility

Nothing to add other than welcome to PC and congratulations on posting this...I'm sure it was hard.

I'm hearing you BB.

I hate to be alone too......this is what I am reading, and it’s so nice to be wanted. The reason I say this is that I've lived...and still dealing with it.

I spit up with my ex for a 3 month period, I had a new beau but my exs begged me to come back, new beau begged me to stay......... I went back to my ex...(I don't know why we do that....still trying to figure it out) any he was just nasty...yes telling everyone how I was a cheater.........when I know that it was clearly over.......every argument he would bring it back up.....my self esteem was shatter.........everything I did was wrong, the emotional abuse is terrible......... its took me three years to get out of the relationship again......

Bottom line honey they have to treat you right, you have to be able to love yourself..........Its hard. This goes for your ex-husband as well...don't use him as a crutch to escape you current boyfriend...like they say out the fry pan and into the fire.

Do it for you..............

They say the hardest thing is to face your fears........ I'm facing what I thought was mine....loneliness........but I'm loving the time to get to know me again, to get to know what I want and need. To do the things that are important to me or make me happy.

I don't mean to sound selfish....but I found that I was always trying to please everyone else.

Hope I haven't rambled to much and this has helped a little.

TakeCare
SpringStar

Thank you for your advice, Tranquility.
My therapist does know about my recent man issues but she thinks it has a lot to do with my low self-esteem. I never had such a low self-esteem until I entered into this relationship. I feel like I'm not good enough for him.
His mother really liked me at first but fiance told her what happened, conveniently leaving out the emotional abuse that he dished out. Now he won't even tell his parents he is back together with me because his mother won't approve. She says I'm not ambitious enough for him even though she barely finished high school and I have a college degree. She has never worked and I have had high paying pharmaceutical jobs. Her own daughter pretended to go to college but spent the tuition money on other things but I'm not the ambitious one. Why do I let her get to me?

Hi BB, and welcome to PC. As already said, I'm sure it wasn't easy to post this.

I agree 100% with everything that Tranquillity wrote. Find yourself, secure your own self-esteem, and all good things will flow from that.

Thanks everyone for the support. It really means a lot because I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Hey there bb,

I don't want to sound harsh, but speaking from (a somewhat limited experience) I don't like it that your current fiance is treating you like that (and I don't think you like it either!). You shouldn't be feeling so down in a relationship, a romantic love is supposed to (again just in my experience) lift you up and make you feel like you can do anything you want to. OK, so nothing and no one's perfect 100% of the time, true. But it sounds like, for you, the bad outweighs the good.

OK, so if you want advice, I'd say leave this one, and don't talk to him again. Hold off dating, or getting back with your ex-husband for a while (six months- a yearish) while you work on you and your issues with your T and improve your self-esteem. If your ex really wants you back, he'll wait.

Less drastically, since you obviously love the guy you're with, maybe consider couples consuelling or similar?

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best, and I hope things get better.

- Meander

Hello Bootiebear,

I must agree with what others wrote. In reading your post, it sounds like you are looking to others to help you find happiness. Try looking inside yourself because if you aren't happy, no one else can fill that need. You end up looking and looking and never feeling fullfilled - in my experience.

I've been treated the way you have and it takes a lot of courage to do what is right for you. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. They are wonderful people.

I hope this all works out for you as it makes me sad to see others in pain.

Song

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SongBirdandDaisy said:
Try looking inside yourself because if you aren't happy, no one else can fill that need. You end up looking and looking and never feeling fullfilled - in my experience.

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Self-growth toward wholeness is always an inside job.

Bootie,
I agree with others here who say you need time to yourself...time for healing, time for grieving, and to establish your own identity. Going back to your ex sounds like just another escape. The fella with whom you're involved right now does not sound like a good choice for you either.
Patty