Relationship with depressed partner -please help

My boyfriend suffers from depression and it is getting increasingly hard for me to remain with him. When he is feeling well he is the most caring person I have ever met, but when he slips into a depressive episode he becomes emotionally abusive and alternates between blaming me and himself. I am looking for guidance with this issue.

This began about 3 months ago. I had always known he was very sensitive and at times a very negative person (we had been friends for a year before we started dating) but we both were unaware of the deeper issues at play. About 3 months ago he became preoccupied with my sexual past, which is not by any means abnormal, and everything went downhill. He is extremely insecure and about every week like clockwork he confronts me with all of his doubts. I am currently abroad, so for the past 2 months this has all been over the phone or skype. I encouraged him to seek counseling and he continues to go, but he has only spiraled deeper into his depression. He now thinks he is unworthy of anything, unloveable, and undeserving of me at his best points. At his worst, he blames me for everything and tells me he is horrified to get close to me.

Recently he told me he doesn't even want to engage in any sexual practice with me when I return because he does not want to connect with me in this way and has encouraged me to seek sex elsewhere if I want it. This has been absolutely damaging to my emotional state. I feel unwanted, worthless, and degraded in his eyes. I know it's because of his mental illness but I am becoming unable to separate him from that and I am worried I won't be able to take much more. I can't walk away as he is the most amazing person I have met and he doesn't want me to leave because he is working on "fixing himself." I have turned into a timid person who cries at the drop of a hat and have reverted back to my anxious state that I was in a year ago.

It was extremely out of the blue. He asked me about my past and told me I didn't have to tell him if I didn't want to but that it wouldn't change anything. I didn't want to lie and I believe it is important to be open in my relationships so I told him the truth. Well that night he could not even look at me and slept with his back turned to me, even crying. I could have never foreseen this coming. Now, he is fixated on it and it has caused even more problems to arise. He blames me for him not feeling like a man, because I have had more sexual partners - never mind that most were due to a college lifestyle of drunken hookups while his were more meaningful.

He has distanced himself from me emotionally because he is afraid I'm going to hurt him again but yet is convinced I am the one he wants to be with in the future and often talks about it to attempt to cheer himself up. I have done all kinds of research on depression and supporting a partner with it and have truly been here for him, even talking him down when he was contemplating suicide. He told me I saved his life and he is thankful to have me. But I just can't help thinking that maybe my presence is causing all this and it would be better for both of us if I leave.

've tried to be rational and calm in my responses to his feelings and accusations, offered him advice from what I have learned online, and stepped away from the conversation when it's gotten too volatile. However, all of this barely puts a band-aid on the depths of his issues.

I have put my needs on the back-burner for a long time and now every time I try to address the things I need from him he becomes defensive and turns the situation around back to himself. I began this process very stable and confident in my ability to be a voice of reason but now I am completely defeated. I don't know how to get myself back on track and I am trying not to give up but it's getting increasingly difficult.

I truly love him and he is everything I could ever ask for but I don't know how to be what he needs. I am very open to any advice regarding depressed partners, especially if you are in a relationship and suffer from an MI yourself. Ending the relationship is a last resort for me.

Too much of anything is bad, and as you've sadly learned, that counts for honesty as well.


Previous sexual partners, that's a need to know basis, like if someone is walking around with your child, or if you and bf need to get tested for STIs...


Other than that, we only open the door to insecurity and jealousy.


Idk what to say really, and that says alot because I have bipolar and my bf is a depressive... His depressive states have challenged me and our relationship greatly in the past, but nothing like what you are describing because they were completely separate from me.


I doubt I could stay in your shoes, because not only am I "to blame" but its not something he can just erase from his memory either.


I would in all probability walk away, to save the both of us from this nightmare you're living.


My bf and I split up for a whole year (my issues not his) and walking away was the best thing he did, even though it certainly never felt like it at the time.


But it gave me the space and time I needed to concentrate on me, it helped me see how unhealthy my behavior was within the relationship. Most of all, it motivated the hell out of me to be as mentally healthy as possible.

Best of all, when we got back together, we knew it was for keeps. The pain from our break up was not suffered in vain by either of us.



But we are not you, and you are not we, so I wont presume to know that this is what you two need.


I'm really sorry for what you're going through though, you don't deserve to suffer for being honest and trusting.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this..and long distance too

My husband is strong, but my depression wears him down at times, understandably. I feel like a drain on him and he needs to reassure me a lot.

I think the best thing you can do for both of you is to take care of your own needs. You can't help him if you are not happy and healthy.

I think he might be sabotaging your relationship without realizing it. People with depression have low self-esteem and don't see any worth in themselves. Telling you he's not worthy and making you miserable validates that. Like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I wish I could help more. Is couples counseling an option in the future?

You're not the first to post about being 10000% honest with a partner about your sexual past and then having the relationship crumble. I understand that honesty is good, but I think that people get caught up in the whole honesty thing.....that is, keeping certain things private doesn't mean you're lying or being dishonest. I hope that in the future you can learn to discern what is best shared and what is best kept private.

But....this is on him at this point. He is the only one who can let go of your sexual past and move forward. Outside of telling him you love him and that he's the one for you, and that you enjoy your sexual activities together, there's pretty much nothing you can do. If he chooses to have these hang ups and not work through them, its on him. Simply put, you cannot change the past.

I do want to challenge you on your "last resort" bit....that is, there is only so much you can do. Don't let him drag you to the depths of hell before you get out. No guy, no relationship is worth that. I understand that he's your everything, and all you could ever ask for....but you do need to determine your limits ahead of time. How much worse are you going to let things get before you get out? If he's putting 100% into healing, then this may be it....can you live like this for the rest of your life? I don't have MDD....well, at least not in the sense that others have it. (Its on my record, yes, as it is for most people with PTSD, but I don't suffer from it like anyone else I know who has it as I'm not "down" all the time.) Depression can be a lifelong debilitating disorder, so do some soul searching and figure out if you can deal with all of this for life.

Oh, and if you do have a "next" relationship, please keep these sorts of things private. I mean if the new guy asked you if you had rockin' sex with an ex and wanted you to detail it all, would you be compelled to do so? Yeah, there have got to be lines you just don't cross, things you just don't disclose.

I don't think you shouldn't have to hide your past or lie about who you are in a relationship. If a partner can't handle that you have a past, today, in the 21st century, it says way more about them than it does about you.

to me, this would be a big red flag.

His behaviour might have nothing to do with his depression -- he might just be one of those guys who start off all needy so you mother them and care for them and love them, and then, when they've sucked you in, they change.

They get critical, start monitoring you and end up controlling you. And maybe, after a while, you'll think it's okay and that you somehow deserve it because there's been a slow, gradual build up, and you keep looking for the nice guy you knew when you first met.

that nice guy? maybe he's a myth. maybe the real man is the man you have now.

I'm saying this because from the outside looking in, I don't like what I'm seeing.

He won't have sex with you after your disclosure. Maybe that's to make you feel dirty and cheap and not worthy of his love. You say that hurt you -- I'm not surprised. Your say you're putting your own needs on the back burner, you're anxious, you feel defeated -- all of this is red flag city, to me.

you feel anxious, now, around him. he's berating you, listing all your sins and issues, like clockwork. it's a classic tactic of abusers. They do it to break you and wear you down.

you do state he's emotionally abusive, and he's constantly checking up on you. If he wasn't depressed, would you tolerate this behaviour?

I reckon you probably wouldn't.

Just because somebody's ill, it doesn't give them a free pass to treat you badly. Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter about the why.

If I was you, (obviously, I'm not!) I'd say goodbye. Quickly, and without fuss. No need to feel guilty. It's perfectly acceptable to end this relationship.

Yes, it's not nice to split up, but people do it every day. And yes, he'll text you, threatening to harm himself, he'll cry and tell you he loves you, but none of that will be your responsibility.

your responsibility, ultimately, is to yourself.

I learnt the hard way that you cannot save someone from themselves. In the end, it is your boyfriend's responsibility to help himself, not yours. You have already given him your love, loyalty, and support. If you give him anything more, you are the one who will suffer for it. He will continue to be depressed either way.

Take care of yourself; be kind to yourself. If this relationship is emotionally draining - as I believe it is - take a break from him or breakup altogether. No relationship is worth such relentless turmoil.

i also say to take some time off from this relationship, it is damaging for you. you need to decide now before it gets worse, in fact it sounds like its as low as it can go anyway. good luck