Why do I feel like this? Trust

I don't know what I feel or what I need to do to feel ok again

I've been in a relationship for 18months. At the start my boyfriend was in regular contact with his ex. Texting phoning and helping her out with things as he said he felt bad for ending it and felt as tho he owed her something. I always made it clear I wasn't happy with it but it continued for a long time. The contact stopped about 4 months ago all of a sudden. He says he isn't sure why but maybe she's moved on and thinks she had a new boyfriend. I do believe him but I'm worried it will all start up again when she needs him as I think he'll always be there for her

I'm so paranoid about it and we argue a lot about the fact he let it continue by responding to her even tho he was telling me he loved me

He knows I don't trust him but tells me that I can. I want to so much but I can't move in from this at all and I don't know why. He was meant to bring some things to my house recently but didn't and went out for a drink with a girl from work. I was so upset and it felt like he blew me out to go out with her. He said it wasn't like that and they are friends and has apologised. Again this has shattered trust even more and we now argue about this.
Recently he said he'd collected a package for me from the post office and was going to bring it for me. He didn't actually do this, he lied so he could come and see me. Again this damaged the trust and now we argue about this.
He was really drunk and he we had an awful row on the phone and he totally lost it and was so angry at me for not trusting him that he was saying awful things to me about wanting to be single and go out with other girls if I don't want to be with him.
I find t so hard to let him back in emotionally and all I do is push him away. He gets very frustrated by this. I don't want to lose him from my life but I can't be with him in a relationship right now as I just can't move on from all the hurt and the damaged trust between us. When I tell him I need space he reacts badly and says he can't wait forever as I can't tell him when I'll want to see him again.

I'm so lost I don't even know how I feel. I'm so hurt by the things he says to me when he's angry and it makes me retract even further from him.

He tells me I can't keep pushing him away but I'm too scared to let him close to me again as he's hurt me so much.

He says I can trust him but his actions say different.

I'm confused and don't know how to act or feel.

I think I'm depressed but i really don't know.

Please someone help

Hello Hedgeleaf: Welcome to PsychCentral! PC is a great place to gain support as well as to obtain mental health related information. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more you'll get from the time you spend here. So keep posting!

You know... having read your post, I would say this relationship is a train wreck looking for a place to happen. It is probably the case that there is blame to go around here in terms of how things have gotten to the point where they are with your relationship. From what you wrote, it sounds as though you may be overly possessive & unable to accept that your bf is going to have casual relationships in addition to the one he has with you. However, at the same time, it sounds as though he has been insensitive as well as verbally abusive plus he apparently drinks to excess, at least from time-to-time. This is a bad combination!

Long-term relationships are difficult to maintain. So , from my perspective, unless both of you are absolutely committed to yours, my recommendation, for what its worth, would be to end it now. I'm sure this will be devilishly difficult for you. But better now than later on when you are even more deeply involved with this guy. Yes, you probably are feeling depressed over this situation. And this is another reason to bring an end to the relationship. Right now, your depression may be just situational. But, if situational depression goes on for too long, it can become ingrained. Depression-related pathways can become worn into the brain. And, at that point, it becomes difficult to resolve them.
The alternative, it seems to me, is for the two of you to commit to participating in some couples counseling in an effort to resolve your differences. If you and / or your bf are not willing to commit to such a process, then my recommendation is to walk away. I wish you all the best...

It sounds a bit dysfunctional and he is a liar, so why are you beating yourself up for not trusting him? He hasn't earned it!

Thank you so much for he replies and taking the time to read my post.

He always seems to try and justify his wrong doings. He verbally lashed out as he was angry and upset, he lied as he wanted to see me. In his mind he doesn't really see he does much wrong as he always has excuses for his actions.

I find it hard to talk to him as he hears me but doesn't listen. I think he has anger issues and he smokes a lot of weed, maybe this is connected?

I have a history of self harm (sorry should have mentioned that) but haven't cut for a long time Altho I still think about it a lot I've not done it for a long time.

I love him so much and when things are great they are wonderful but then it crashes and it's the worst feeling.

Sorry to go on, just needed to get things out

Thanks again for your support

To answer your question on why do you feel like that. Well he is pretty awful so it is normal to feel miserable being with awful partners . He is bad news and you deserve better

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It sounds like he's angry at you for not trusting him but you have good reason to not. There's a pattern of lies here. So the decision to not trust him isn't arbitrary, you haven't done it to be mean or hurt him, it's a natural reaction based on a history of lies. Actions DO speak louder than words. It sounds like your head and heart both know it isn't right but something is keeping you hanging on. There are plenty of other people out there who will treat you well and be honest with you. It sounds like he has some issues that he needs to be working through.

You can't trust him. Words are cheap. It's what he does that you have to go by. So long as he wants to be free to go for drinks with a female co-worker, he is not available to be in a commited relationship. This B.S. about how they are just friends is poppycock. He's shopping the singles' market. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's doing to you what he did to his ex. He'll be all yours, except when there's a chance to sample something else. He just needs a young woman dumb enough to put up with that. You don't have to.

Being separated from him will hurt. That's just how it is. Despite what he may tell you, he's not going to change. This is who he is. A dream you had has been shattered. You probably won't feel better, until a few months after you cut him off completely. Until then, you'll be clinging to the hope that he'll decide to be different. He won't and he probably can't. You'll never trust him. You're just not that dumb.

When someone shows you who he is, believe him.

Talking to an ex and going out for drinks with other women is just disrespectful. Did he invite you along? Probably not. He sounds like he can be manipulative and you sound like you have trust issues. Not a ideal situation. I would cut my ties. And yes it will hurt but you're kind of already hurting WITH him anyway. I myself have major trust issues with people in general. I wouldn't be able to put up with any of this stuff. He seems like he either doesn't want it, or he's not ready for a relationship right now. Not if he's keeping his ex at arms length. You deserve better.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

Listen to your instincts, you have them for a reason, and pay attention to the evidence presented as opposed to the testimony.

I didn't recognize the signs as early as you, by the time they became larger than life it had been years, and we had a child, so I chose to ignore everything I was supposed to be paying attention to.

I wasted years and was subjected to unnecessary pain, all in the name of "love"...

You're smarter than that, run and don't look back.

Thanks again for all the replies, I really appreciate it.

I've never had trust issues before, only since being with him.

We had a massive row on the phone today, I was very upset but he didn't listen to me just kept having a go saying all the things I'd done wrong and I never see all the nice things he does for me. He does. He did. But he bad outweighed the good in the end and it's ripping me apart inside.

I've now blocked him from my contacting me but he still sent and email...
'Proper gutted uve blocked me. I did nothing wrong, u just decided to attack me yesterday. I know ur hurting but that's a really mean thing to do. Even if we are breaking up, there was no
Need for that.
I am so heartbroken'

You probably don't have any "trust issues." There are circumstances where it is appropriate and mentally healthy to withhold trust. That's the kind of circumstance you are in right now. He may not have actually cheated on you, but he is showing that he is not committed and wants to keep his options open. You'ld have to be kind of dumb to totally trust a guy with his behavior. Mistrust can be very healthy. It's what can keep you from being made a fool of.

Sure, he probably has done some nice things for you. That's not the issue. The issue is that, after 18 months, you expected your relationship with him to be exclusive. He wants to keep his options open. It's not really a case of who's right and who's wrong. It's a case of not being on the same page about how committed you both are to an exclusive relationship. Committed guys don't go out for drinks with other single women. Not if they want their relationship to last. It sounds like he wants to keep a woman devoted to him, while he shops around to see what else is out there. That's not fair.

It will take time, but the heartbreak will lessen. Try to be around other friends, so you don't just wallow in misery. Eventually, you'll meet other young men. One of them will be looking for what you want.

EXACTLY!

Just because you don't trust someone doesn't mean you have trust issues!

I think your trust mechanism is working just fine, but along comes this manipulative jerk who throws a wrench in things......instead of taking responsibility, he's putting the blame on you. Throw it back on him where it belongs!

YOU DESERVE BETTER


Argh. I hate IOS 9 autocorrect. Why it would think my misspelled word is "Udi's"....I have no idea.

actions do speak louder than words, if i were you i'd cut off the relationship

Were you over the edge when you had the talk? It doesn't really matter, but it's awful when a master conversation escalates into simply throwing things on each others' faces because you end up not figuring out wtf was going on.

Anyway, I don't get this guy. He seems to be dramatic and also lack of empathy or good sense. Whatever you've done wrong, he should have at least listened to you. He was the one who begun a relationship without cutting ties with his ex and went out with a girl, come on.

He lacks empathy. He's even admitted this. I wondered if he shows narcissistic signs?

Anyway, he keeps emailing me even thought I've made it clear I cannot have a relationship with him

Thank you!

I did start to wonder if it was my issue because of the lack of trust. This is very new for me not to trust someone and for a while thought I might have been making something out of nothing. At the end of the day my feelings are my own and very justified even if he doesn't agree. I can't stop myself feeling how I do

Sorry to bombard my own post!

He's now asking if I want the things I've left at his. Nothing of importance to me, hair bands, socks, toothbrush etc

I replied thanking him for asking but he can throw it all away. He now keeps messaging saying he is going to have a clear out of my things and I don't even care etc. He's really hurting me with what he's saying. I want to tell him how much he's upsetting me but I'm sure that will only fuel the fire.

I'm being strong

Did you break up with him? He's being manipulative and trying to get your attention by asking you if you want your things back. He sounds like he likes to stir the pot. Just be careful and stay strong. Good luck!

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

Yes sorry ended the relationship with him
He's now saying i don't care and I'm not listening to him when he needs me

Sigh

Block him everywhere.....your phone, email, social media.

Don't respond to anything he says.

It's so hard. I still care about him and don't want him hurting and feel bad for it.

I blocked him on messenger and he keeps saying thanks for ignoring him

But is he saying anything about changing the behaviors that led to the breakup? If having you in his life were so important to him, I would think he would want to talk about what a good relationship would require. If not, then he must not be willing to consider your feelings. You can't be the one doing all the emotional giving. It sounds like you're good at that.

I know we cannot have a relationship but it hurts me that he's upset.

Just feel he's guilting me

Says he shouldn't feel bad for going out wtb a friend and he can do what he wants, which he can, but he knows how I feel about trust etc

I just feel so let down

He IS guilting you and he IS wrong! He doesn't want to have a conversation, he doesn't want to understand. It's all about how he feels, how you don't care about him or his needs and that he can do whatever he wants. So easy.

Tell him to stop messaging you and then block.