[unconditional52]

Hi Community, i'm just wondering if there's anyone else out there who has a hard time with feeling guilty about ending "Toxic Relationships" especially when we know they should not have existed in the first place

[Namaste30]

I think the majority of people do... no one likes to end things once they're attached. I am one who has struggled with it my entire life. Finally I know what to look out for, what I like/dislike in people and once you figure that out, it can make it easier to walk away from a toxic situation...once you've experienced & healed from the pain it can bring, you should have a natural reaction to stay far away from it or the red flags waving in your face. its totally normal though... but what isn't normal is putting yourself through a ton of pain and sorrow. Give yourself some credit by justifying the way you feel and walk away.
surround yourself with people who love and care for you... there will be painless nights but every day you get a little stronger...
hang in there

[TRNRMOM]

Originally Posted by Namaste30

I think the majority of people do... no one likes to end things once they're attached. I am one who has struggled with it my entire life. Finally I know what to look out for, what I like/dislike in people and once you figure that out, it can make it easier to walk away from a toxic situation...once you've experienced & healed from the pain it can bring, you should have a natural reaction to stay far away from it or the red flags waving in your face. its totally normal though... but what isn't normal is putting yourself through a ton of pain and sorrow. Give yourself some credit by justifying the way you feel and walk away.
surround yourself with people who love and care for you... there will be painless nights but every day you get a little stronger...
hang in there

i could not agree more with the above. i'm a 69 year old female and my belief is as you get older, you see the warning flags sooner or trust your gut and not invest is a relationship/friendship which may be toxic. i had to terminate a relationship with my mom with the help of a therapist but most endings were of friendships with women or couples who had more issues than what my hubby and i had. it's never easy ending these but over the years i no longer feel guilty by doing so, as i know i am taking care of myself or needing drama or chaos at this point and time in my life…in a way it's very freeing..but there are times i second-guess my decision and then that person/couple proves me right and the pain of ending the toxic relationship/friendship is something i deal with and then let go of.

[unconditional52]

Thanks, that was the cream in my coffee this AM, I enjoyed that cup, have a wonderful day, I know I will especially after that

Personally I find it hard to have confrontations. My own 'style' would be to simply stop seeking this person out. Given a situation of bumping to them I would not ignore them but rather exchange the required social pleasantries and move on. Should they then enquire about doing something I would simply indicate that this wasn't the time, that doing so would have to wait.

As for social media, such situations are sticky. In most you can unfollow someone without unfriending and blocking them entirely.

[continuosly blue]

How can you not feel guilty if you are close to or love this person ?
But how much pain can you endure ?
For me, A toxic relationship means it's going bad BOTH ways. You are hurting her , she is hurting you , and then a vicious cycle of hurt ensues .

Like you said , you knew it shouldn't have been to begin with so it was probably your guilt right there that kept it going , probably not wanting to hurt the other person.
Some things only experience can teach. And that's a shame.

I hope this relationship is not a marriage with kids. Ending that is very painful , ( for most people anyway ,the ones who have some feelings and might actually care. )

best to you

[DBTDiva]

I think it's natural to feel bad or guilty but what you have to remember is that in "normal" healthy situations, you don't have to cut off contact. For example, I greatly limit contact with my mother after a long lifetime of her control, criticism, drama, and generally toxic way of interacting with the entire world. Now, society would say "You have to love your mother no matter what!" Well, I do love her, I just don't give her unlimited access to emotionally abuse me. She tries to make me feel guilty but it's so over the top that it doesn't phase me. Sometimes I feel guilty in a more general way but I remind myself that my mother is not a loving, nurturing, healthy individual.

So just try reminding yourself that you had to end the relationship because of how toxic it was. I don't know your specific situation but probably you were not the one making it toxic. It's really out of your control, you can't control another person, only protect yourself when need be. Their actions are their choice.

[Peace Seeker]

Originally Posted by TRNRMOM

i could not agree more with the above. i'm a 69 year old female and my belief is as you get older, you see the warning flags sooner or trust your gut and not invest is a relationship/friendship which may be toxic. i had to terminate a relationship with my mom with the help of a therapist but most endings were of friendships with women or couples who had more issues than what my hubby and i had. it's never easy ending these but over the years i no longer feel guilty by doing so, as i know i am taking care of myself or needing drama or chaos at this point and time in my life…in a way it's very freeing..but there are times i second-guess my decision and then that person/couple proves me right and the pain of ending the toxic relationship/friendship is something i deal with and then let go of.

This is my first time posting. I am a 47 years old, married, and I have two teenage daughters. I am considering cutting ties with my mother for good, but I am struggling with this decision because I feel so guilty. My mother has psychological problems, and has always abused me mentally, although she will never see it that way. Since she was so needy, I always took care of her and just let her use me as her sounding board. I have come to realize , after having two children of my own, that I was a victim of emotional neglect. She made me feel sorry for her because she married a man who became an alcoholic, had to deal with an abusive mother-in-law, had a son who got into trouble with the law (my older brother), and had another son (my younger brother), who had a serious learning disability. All of this, I was led to believe, was just too much for her, so she took to drinking herself to "self-medicate", and mixed alcohol with her medication for depression. You can imagine what it was like to live in a home like that. Furthermore, my mother felt that she had suffered more than anyone else in the world because her twin died when she was little and her mother loved her other siblings more than her. I grew up thinking that my mother couldn't survive without my help. Sometimes she was great - happy, working, functioning. But at the drop of a hat her mood would change and she would drink for days on end, make me look after my little brother and meals, plus clean the house. My dad absented himself and would either come home drunk or go to play golf. I married a great guy who showed me what a peaceful and happy home was like. He loves me and supports me, but cannot stand my mother. We moved far away for 15 years and during that time I received many abusive letters from my mother. On holidays I felt guilty, as she and I would have nice conversations and I felt like a horrible person for not allowing her to have a relationship with my kids and for knowing that I was leaving her alone with just my brothers. She told me that it was all my husband's fault and that he was a control freak. I couldn't make sense of anything. All I knew is that I wanted my kids to have a peaceful and happy home, and not to be exposed to my messed up family. We moved back home four years ago and it has been so difficult for me. I tried so hard to get my mom and husband to get along and had dreams of reuniting everyone into one big happy family. Unfortunately I can't make it happen, and I have so much more anger inside of me now because I think back to everything I had to go through and I see that it was so abusive. Even thinking of my mother fills me with so much anxiety that I can't handle it, and it affects my relationship with my husband, which in turn affects our children. My mother will only acknowledge that she treated me badly because she was a victim, and refuses to actually take responsibility. She is narcissistic and doesn't seem to believe that I actually have emotions. She says I am like my father's family, meaning I am cold, and that I sweep things under the rug whereas she is a communicator. Can anyone out there tell me if I am doing the right thing by cutting ties with my mother?

[marmaduke]

Peace seeker.
Cut all ties with her A.S.A.P she will always cause damage.

[hannabee]

About the age that you are, I finally decided to cut ties with my narcissist mother and yes, I felt guilty, but no, I didn't allow that to make me change my mind. Parents are supposed to love and nurture their children and the ones who don't usually do end up alone in their last years. So be it, as we all can make the right choices, if we want to.
The abuse that these parents cause lasts a lifetime. I doubt I will ever forgive her, even though she is dead, he words still ring in my ears almost daily! Big hug.

[TRNRMOM]

Originally Posted by Peace Seeker

This is my first time posting. I am a 47 years old, married, and I have two teenage daughters. I am considering cutting ties with my mother for good, but I am struggling with this decision because I feel so guilty. My mother has psychological problems, and has always abused me mentally, although she will never see it that way. Since she was so needy, I always took care of her and just let her use me as her sounding board. I have come to realize , after having two children of my own, that I was a victim of emotional neglect. She made me feel sorry for her because she married a man who became an alcoholic, had to deal with an abusive mother-in-law, had a son who got into trouble with the law (my older brother), and had another son (my younger brother), who had a serious learning disability. All of this, I was led to believe, was just too much for her, so she took to drinking herself to "self-medicate", and mixed alcohol with her medication for depression. You can imagine what it was like to live in a home like that. Furthermore, my mother felt that she had suffered more than anyone else in the world because her twin died when she was little and her mother loved her other siblings more than her. I grew up thinking that my mother couldn't survive without my help. Sometimes she was great - happy, working, functioning. But at the drop of a hat her mood would change and she would drink for days on end, make me look after my little brother and meals, plus clean the house. My dad absented himself and would either come home drunk or go to play golf. I married a great guy who showed me what a peaceful and happy home was like. He loves me and supports me, but cannot stand my mother. We moved far away for 15 years and during that time I received many abusive letters from my mother. On holidays I felt guilty, as she and I would have nice conversations and I felt like a horrible person for not allowing her to have a relationship with my kids and for knowing that I was leaving her alone with just my brothers. She told me that it was all my husband's fault and that he was a control freak. I couldn't make sense of anything. All I knew is that I wanted my kids to have a peaceful and happy home, and not to be exposed to my messed up family. We moved back home four years ago and it has been so difficult for me. I tried so hard to get my mom and husband to get along and had dreams of reuniting everyone into one big happy family. Unfortunately I can't make it happen, and I have so much more anger inside of me now because I think back to everything I had to go through and I see that it was so abusive. Even thinking of my mother fills me with so much anxiety that I can't handle it, and it affects my relationship with my husband, which in turn affects our children. My mother will only acknowledge that she treated me badly because she was a victim, and refuses to actually take responsibility. She is narcissistic and doesn't seem to believe that I actually have emotions. She says I am like my father's family, meaning I am cold, and that I sweep things under the rug whereas she is a communicator. Can anyone out there tell me if I am doing the right thing by cutting ties with my mother?

well, if you need to cut ties, then do so if it `saves' you from the ongoing, continuing blame, arguing, defending yourself, and mom is doing nothing more than playing victim and not holding herself accountable. i've been there and for many years (esp. the last years of her life) we lived in different states and her letters to me were so toxic that as soon as i went to the mailbox and saw a letter from her i became agitated…but decided to right then and there with pen write `refused, return to sender' w/o ever opening those toxic letters and starting the drama over and over…i needed distance and disconnect from her toxicity and no it wasn't an easy decision and there were always emotions bubbling up inside when i took a stand, defended myself or decided to disconnect. you've had a lifetime of listening to the blame and abuse and all we really want is for that person to apologize, take responsibility and change her behavior in an effort to reconcile and have some sort of semblance of connecting…even if on a limited basis. i sought counseling, brought the toxic letters with me and saw more than 1 counselor who supported my decision to disconnect or limit, or whatever it is you want…but the reality is most times
THEIR BEHAVIOR DOESN'T CHANGE so the dysfunctional cycle keeps on…what we `want' from them and what we `get' from them are so separate and distinct and for me i couldn't take the emotional abuse another minute…there always seemed to be a price THAT I WAS PAYING TO HER AND GIVING UP MY SENSE OF SELF that i had to find other `mothers' who could love and support me since in reality, my mother was incapable of ever giving to me what i needed….not as a child and certainly as an adult. there was pain in the disconnect…but i felt i had no choice.

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

Sometimes I feel guilty in a more general way but I remind myself that my mother is not a loving, nurturing, healthy individual.
It's really out of your control, you can't control another person, only protect yourself when need be. Their actions are their choice.

Couldn't have said it any better. For me , just replace your mother with my ex-wife.
Overcoming the guilt is what I work on all the time. I was conditioned for many , many
years that it was " always MY fault ". Now that I'm out of the toxic relationship I can focus on making myself better and getting over the horror of all the mental abuse.
Also she was not nurturing , caring , loving , feeling or ANYTHING to me for a long time.
Didn't give anything back. Just took. Not even an explanation for why she was doing this to me !
Now my actions will be mine without the overbearing toxic influence.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Peace Seeker

This is my first time posting. ... Can anyone out there tell me if I am doing the right thing by cutting ties with my mother?

Yes, you are.

Victims are not responsible for their victimization, they ARE responsible for the choices they make and the way they treat other people. My mom has histrionic personality disorder, my sister has a pd, I have a pd, and I'm fairly certain my mother's mother had a pd. My father did not like my mother's mother. As an observant child, I picked up on the way she manipulated my mother to fight with my father, the way she manipulated her two daughters to compete with each other through their children... It was sick. Once I saw that I had zero respect for my grandmother. My mother has forgiven my grandmother but I never have. Like you, my mother moved far away from home and we only saw my grandmother and extended family a handfull of times. I am grateful for that.

Not spending time with your mother will be healthier for your kids, your husband, and you. I have never told my mother this, nor will I, but she is a big part of the reason why I have chosen to never have children. It has taken my entire life but I finally accept my mother for who/what she is and maintain boundaries where my time with her is very limited. Giving birth to someone does not give anyone the right to use and abuse them! I also felt responsible for keeping my mother alive, when she and my father divorced for a year. She drank heavily while on xanax and wouldn't eat. I went to al anon and learned how to not be codependent. Now I know that it's not my job to keep her alive. I wish I could cut my mother out of my life 100% but I can't. I do however try to put my emotional needs before hers and greatly limit the amount of damage that I allow her to do to me. If I had children, I would move as far away from her as I could get. Another country.