[popuri88]

Hey guys,

When I first joined this forum I made a thread about my unstable mom. tl;dr, tbh.

My mother is severely depressed. She takes meds for hyperthyroidism but she is not regularly seeing a docto. Anyway, this time she is taking her pills without skipping a day, but she just had another breakdown. She is not diagnosed, not seeing a therapist or a pdoc and right now she's reluctant again.

She's dependent on my father, I think. This weekend was his birthday (and I happen to be born on his bday, so it's mine too... unfortunately, because now 3/4 of the birthdays 'celebrated' in this house are D days) and he attended to someone's baby shower the day after. She is certain he was actually celebrating his birthday with his "dearest ones" and got mad. She ruined my day too, tbh.

Today she came up accusing my sister and I of defending my father and asking why didn't we go to his 'party' too... among with other horrible things, like "you don't like me", "you'll all be much happier when I'm gone". She probably lashed out at us because her official target wasn't home, which in part is better because it's easier to stop her anger.

I'm afraid to say we're not the best at dealing with her mental condition. Not the worst, but not the best as we're not trained to do it. Specially when she lashes like she does and start saying the most unfair things ever against my sister and I. I don't know if we're being negligent, lacking of empathy... it's so hard to tell. I'm not looking for pity as I know she's suffering, but sometimes, when she pushes me to the edge I throw hurtful things back at her, which are true but probably uncalled, like telling her she is wrong, unfair and that I'm not supposed to hear that...

On the other hand she is triggering my anxiety and I'm gloomy as hell. I didn't even want to stay home on my birthday and had a small anxiety attack.

I honestly don't know what to do. I know she should be seeing doctors, but there's little we can do for her if she refuses. Also, our insurance is on hiatus right now and I hope things will be easier once this issue is solved. Anyway, I'm here, stuck at home while I have tons of things to do because I'm afraid of leaving her alone and not finding her when I'm back! What am I supposed to expect from someone who has nowhere to go and refuses to accept help?

[TishaBuv]

What do you think she'll do if you leave her at home alone? What about taking her out with you on your errands? Maybe doing something she enjoys will lift her mood.

[popuri88]

They're not really errands, I'm skipping college today because I can't leave her home. :/

During her outbursts she complains that she doesn't belong and we never call her to do anything (this is mainly directed at my father, but today it was aimed at us too), but truth is we call her to go out with us, either on errands or for specific stuff like going to the movies (mostly my sister) and she refuses. We do stuff together, we went walking on a trail at an eco-park a couple of months ago, for example. She's being very unfair.

We're really dependent on private transportation here where we live and neither her or us drive (we're on the process, she gave up), so it's something that weights in the mixture. Just a sidenote, though, because even I feel trapped for not having a car/license sometimes.

TishaBuy has some valid points.

Your mom is more than merely Depressed. Her family doctor is a good start.

Has your mom expressed why she is adverse to seeing someone about her health? Perhaps she thinks she is doing family a favour, perhaps she is worried about what people will think.

I realise my mother was likely bipolar. It would certainly explain a lot. If she were alive today I would somehow find the strength to confront her. I would advise her of how her illness affected me. I would advise her she was NOT doing me a favour. I would advise her I was having the intervention because I cared. My conversation would proably be something along the line of, "Can we agree something is wrong? Can we agree this isn't working?" "Who will make the appointment? You or me?" I honestly do think that sometimes we need to reverse the roles of parent and child. I would also ask her what she would like me to do.

[popuri88]

rcat, as I deal with mental issues too, it's easier for me to understand, so we had exactly that conversation the last time she was out of control. I told her I cared too much about her to see her like that and simply ignore it, that if she sees herself like that, something must be wrong and it can be treated for better, it doesn't have to be an everlasting thing and I know how devastating it is, I know she's not making it up... but there's a way out. She kind of nodded when I said I'd make her an appointment, but now she's back to refusal again. I refrain to tell her how her obviously disordered self affects me as she has asked me that when I was having bad issues years ago. She knows it does, but I think she feels like she's got nothing to lose... now that she's lost my father. Her world runs around him.

I know she's more than depressed. She has deep issues and a disordered behaviour, for sure. She was victim of verbal abuse by her mother when she was younger.

She doesn't like psychologists, she thinks we're defending my father and that she's supposed to be the crazy one. On the other hand, she refers to herself as useless, broken... so she recognizes something to be taken care of. Oh, we don't have a family doctor, it's not usual where I live at.

[TishaBuv]

During these years while you are in college, you are supposed to be having experiences and discovering who you are. I think it would be good for you to focus less on your mother and enjoy this time of your life before it passes you by. College kids, for the most part, don't invite their mothers to go out with them.

Actually, when I was in college my very difficult mother 'disowned' me and was never going to speak to me again because I went out with a friend at 11 p.m. one night when she said I couldn't.

I have kids in college right now. I want them to learn and enjoy themselves. Don't let her suck the life out of you. You are a good child to care so much.

[popuri88]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

During these years while you are in college, you are supposed to be having experiences and discovering who you are. I think it would be good for you to focus less on your mother and enjoy this time of your life before it passes you by. College kids, for the most part, don't invite their mothers to go out with them.

Actually, when I was in college my very difficult mother 'disowned' me and was never going to speak to me again because I went out with a friend at 11 p.m. one night when she said I couldn't.

I have kids in college right now. I want them to learn and enjoy themselves. Don't let her suck the life out of you. You are a good child to care so much.

Thanks. Yes, I see that too. I live with my parents as it's very common here for kids to stay home as they go to college, so it's not like I'm absent. And we do many things together because of this. We used to go to garden shops together, for example. That's why I know her complaint is absolutely unfair.

She knows that too: once my sister asked her to go to the movies together and she thought my sister's friends were coming along, so she declined. Actually I face this complaint more towards a "family" thing involving my father or as a complaint directed to him that rebounds on us idk why. As I said, everything is about him... and he cares for her a lot, but their relationship is very damaged. To tell you the truth, I think he is VERY tolerant, I don't know if I would take it. I really can't blame him.

Once I lashed at her and asked why didn't she leave if he makes her feel so bad and she took as a personal offense, as if I was pointing another mistake she has done in life. She feels shamed and humilliated by us, our daughters and never lows her guard. Other days she's ok, but her life is more about expecting others to validate her than doing something for herself, and when my father doesn't give her the validation she needs, it goes downhill.

Both me and my sister worry a lot about this. We'll leave home in a few years and I fear she'll hate me if I support my father to get a place of his own after we leave, although I think they need this space and she needs to grow back a life too...

[TishaBuv]

Stay strong. You're handling it very maturely.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by popuri88

Thanks. Yes, I see that too. I live with my parents as it's very common here for kids to stay home as they go to college, so it's not like I'm absent. And we do many things together because of this. We used to go to garden shops together, for example. That's why I know her complaint is absolutely unfair.

She knows that too: once my sister asked her to go to the movies together and she thought my sister's friends were coming along, so she declined. Actually I face this complaint more towards a "family" thing involving my father or as a complaint directed to him that rebounds on us idk why. As I said, everything is about him... and he cares for her a lot, but their relationship is very damaged. To tell you the truth, I think he is VERY tolerant, I don't know if I would take it. I really can't blame him.

Once I lashed at her and asked why didn't she leave if he makes her feel so bad and she took as a personal offense, as if I was pointing another mistake she has done in life. She feels shamed and humilliated by us, our daughters and never lows her guard. Other days she's ok, but her life is more about expecting others to validate her than doing something for herself, and when my father doesn't give her the validation she needs, it goes downhill.

Both me and my sister worry a lot about this. We'll leave home in a few years and I fear she'll hate me if I support my father to get a place of his own after we leave, although I think they need this space and she needs to grow back a life too...

Your mother's feelings are not your responsibility. I say this not to be harsh but because I'm not sure if anyone has ever said that to you before. They are not your, your sister's, or your father's responsibility. If she refuses to take responsibility for her feelings and her health, there is nothing that any of you can do about it. There is no amount of validation from you, your sister, or your father that can make your mother happy because she has to figure out how to make herself happy. You said you and your sister invite her to things but she declines, ok, that is her right. You have talked to her about getting help for her mental illness, she can choose not to unfortunately. You can't build your life around being there for your mother. She will use you being afraid to leave her alone as a way to control you and keep you around. It's called "emotional backmail" getting people to do what you want by implying or outright threatening that you might harm yourself or not be ok if they don't.

It sounds like your mother doesn't have many/any boundaries. That can make living there really difficult. My mother takes zero responsibility for herself, her feelings, and her life. It's taken me most of my life (34 years) to learn that even if she has decided that everything is all my fault, that is just her distorted thinking. I would like for her to get help, but she refuses to so all I can do is protect myself from her. Strong boundaries is the way I do that. It doesn't have to be harsh or mean, when she says something like "you don't like me", you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or "you'll all be much happier when I'm gone", you can say, "It must really hurt to believe that." Be genuine about it, you can empathize but not take the bait. She's looking for reassurance but it's not your job to reassure her. Remind yourself she doesn't actually think you will be happier when she's gone, that it's just something she says to get a reaction and also that she probably doesn't mean to hurt you. It sucks to have parents who are really seriouslly mentally ill but the bottom line is that there are things she could do to feel better and she chooses not to do them.

[popuri88]

DBTDiva, thank you very much.

I couldn't agree more. Really. Once she's cool again I'm gonna talk about the psychologist one more time. I'm not insisting, just from stubborness, but because we're on a dead end here. She is emotionally and financially dependent, so it's not an option to 'leave her' as she wouldn't be able to buy her own food. I know that she's an adult and all, but with things like they are right now I don't know what would be of her.

Luckily, I don't shape my life around her illness, but it affects me a lot, of course. She's not manipulative to the point of threatening killing herself so I don't leave home, she actually feels very ashamed that I ended up missing a day of school because of that, but no apologies, no words... nothing. She's so ashamed that she won't even talk to us for the rest of the day.

Honestly, if she was manipulative and nasty it would be easier for me to disconnect, but she isn't. However, we see it that she doesn't really measure how she's affecting her children with this behaviour, she slacks with her own health (not looking for medical treatment for her hyperthyroidism, for example) if no one tells her to/take care of it for her and she never acted as if she worried or considered what would be of us if something happened to my father. Now I really need her to get her stuff together because I know she'll have to live by herself sometime in the next 5-10 years. Neither me or my sister are inclined to assume this parenting role.