[DechanDawa]

I always read the suggestion to ask family and friends for support when getting out of depression/anxiety. I have gone through depressive episodes several times in my life and have noticed the last couple of times that there is no one around. I have contacted friends/family. They just give really inane advice like "Get a kitten to keep you company," when I am facing dire life circumstances. I want to know if this is common?

I have had to get mentally tough and realize family/friends are just not there for me. I have tried to figure out why but this just results in a lot of rumination that increases the depression.

When I read this suggestion it irritates me now.

If I had really supportive family and friends I would probably not have reached this low point. My family is not very functional despite high levels of education, and I guess the same could just be said of friends.

Is it common for people to have to pull themselves out on their own?

[ChipperMonkey]

Unfortunately, unless others have been through something similar, they tend to be a bit dismissive and give bad advice. Well, its not always out of malice....many are trying to help but just don't know the right thing to say.

Book smarts don't equate with emotional smarts. There are quite a few types of intelligence. Just because someone can get an advanced degree doesn't mean that they are all that emotionally connected......which is why you have so many doctors who are horrible when it comes to bedside manner! (Yeah, I really do think medical schools should require some sort of exam which measures emotional intelligence.)

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Unfortunately, unless others have been through something similar, they tend to be a bit dismissive and give bad advice. Well, its not always out of malice....many are trying to help but just don't know the right thing to say.

Book smarts don't equate with emotional smarts. There are quite a few types of intelligence. Just because someone can get an advanced degree doesn't mean that they are all that emotionally connected......which is why you have so many doctors who are horrible when it comes to bedside manner! (Yeah, I really do think medical schools should require some sort of exam which measures emotional intelligence.)

I got some terrible advice from a family member who has a PhD in Psychology. It actually inspired me to get better as soon as possible so as to never again place myself in the humiliating position of asking for advice. I feel naive that I am so shocked by this idea that education does not equal emotional intelligence. Thank you so much. Your reply was really helpful.

I have had to distance myself from those who were once close because they just didn't get it. Some of them even tried to be helpful but couldn't see that they were in fact doing the opposite. Some of them are family.

Some of those however that are the most supportive to me today weren't always. I asked my son once to come to my support group with me and my father attended a group for family and support persons. I believe both had enlightening experiences. My daughter seems to have difficulties.

[KCKristi]

I don't know if you believe in a "Higher Being" or "Religion", but a good place to start is the Psalms in the Bible. And then head over to Proverbs. Both are good "up to date" books that teach us to not rely on others for our self worth - and how to be a good person, despite all the horrible people around us.

I totally agree with "book smarts don't equate with emotional smarts". I read a book called "The Emotional Intelligence of Children" when my kids were young....and although I have 3 "mediocre" sons (rated on society's scale) - I KNOW they have good hearts and will never cheat, and will always treat their wives/family with respect. That - to me - means, I was successful at raising them.

And to your question, I would say yes...it is common for people to just have to pull themselves out of "this" on their own. No one else fully understands or can relate to what YOU are going through, because YOU are an individual - with YOUR own experiences....both good and bad. YOU have to make them what they are - either good (learn and do better), or bad (learn and move on).

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I honestly think it comes down to - not everyone has had to go through the experience and if they haven't gone through the experience, they don't really know good advice right away - n then to top it off, they are happy not knowing because to know means to open themselves up to pain, people don't like pain - they run and hide from it if they can (fight or flight response) in order to keep themselves ignorant....much like a child closing their eyes and plugging their ears and screaming "i can't hear you!" out of fear something might harm them if they open themselves up to it....but unless they do they will never truly be able to help

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I honestly think it comes down to - not everyone has had to go through the experience and if they haven't gone through the experience, they don't really know good advice right away - n then to top it off, they are happy not knowing because to know means to open themselves up to pain, people don't like pain - they run and hide from it if they can (fight or flight response) in order to keep themselves ignorant....much like a child closing their eyes and plugging their ears and screaming "i can't hear you!" out of fear something might harm them if they open themselves up to it....but unless they do they will never truly be able to help

Thank you. You are so compassionate. I am trying to forgive those who cannot or will not bear witness to my pain. I am somewhat of a "wounded healer" and when not so compromised I actually work in the field of mental health. I know I need to put a better support structure in place. Things sort of fell apart around me because I was not living consciously. Your reply truly warmed my heart! Thank you so much for your generous spirit.

[Rose76]

Yes, DechanDawa, the response you describe is very common. It has certainly happened to me. And people who might be a bit supportive the first time or two that you call them will tend to get less and less supportive. That can feel heart breaking. Believe me, I know.

One time I was on the phone to my sister after going through a rough experience that had me depressed. She said "Use your coping skills." and made it clear she was ending the conversation. I thought that was a miserable thing to say, and I will never again call her, if I am depressed. She's actually a pretty nice person, and we get along fine now. I just know to never contact her, if I am depressed. I have a girlfriend who I've known for years. We often go out together for lunch or dinner. She's lots of fun and I enjoy her company. BUT . . . I've learned to never, ever call her when I am really down. She will manage to say the very last thing I need to hear.

Sometimes, people who know you well think they are being helpful by telling you how you may have helped create your own unhappiness. It's the last thing you need friends or family to talk about when you are coping with depression, but it's often where they will go. Hearing inane stuff, like "Go get a kitty-cat." isn't the worst. But it's not helpful . . . I agree.

I got a chance to be on the other end of this, when a friend of mine who'ld moved out of state started calling me everytime something went wrong in her life. Things were going really badly for her, and she seemed to be in real danger of a major breakdown. For a while, I did my best to be as supportive as possible. The nicer I was, he more she called me. She seemed to be not making progress with her difficulties. It started to seem like I was playing amateur therapist, and it started to really wear me out. Plus, though she was a really nice person, the conversations seemed to be all about me validating her. I felt like I was trying to meet her emotional needs, and that was getting to be a one-way street. We drifted apart, and I'm kind of glad I no longer hear much from her.

A wise, mature therapist once told me that, "if you want someone to keep listening to your troubles, you kind of have to pay someone to do that."

You know, I agree that, if we had close friends and family who were really good at helping with depression, we might not be so depressed in the first place. That's kind of a special gift that not many people have. And those who do really only want to use it on their immediate loved ones - their spouse or child. My own mother - a very nice person - was supportive of my father in his struggles with depression. But not so much with me. She basically told me to grow up. So I knew never to call her for that.

I do hear you.

[Rose76]

I think the most understanding I've ever gotten has been from peer consumers of mental health services. I wish more of that was available.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by rcat

I have had to distance myself from those who were once close because they just didn't get it. Some of them even tried to be helpful but couldn't see that they were in fact doing the opposite. Some of them are family.

Some of those however that are the most supportive to me today weren't always. I asked my son once to come to my support group with me and my father attended a group for family and support persons. I believe both had enlightening experiences. My daughter seems to have difficulties.

Thanks for this response. A wonderful outcome for you. I hope I will someday be surprised in a similar way. But truth be told, on introspection, I realize that I have never found my family and friends to be too empathetic, unless it is happening in their own backyard, so I usually make sure I have an alternative support network in place. Somehow I let that alternative support network kind of fall away...and it wasn't there when I needed it. I'm talking about things like volunteer groups, spiritual groups, and special interest groups. Just goes to show how important it is too nourish these connections, especially if one is vulnerable to mental health issues. I am learning so much from this forum. You people are smart!

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Yes, DechanDawa, the response you describe is very common. It has certainly happened to me. And people who might be a bit supportive the first time or two that you call them will tend to get less and less supportive. That can feel heart breaking. Believe me, I know.

One time I was on the phone to my sister after going through a rough experience that had me depressed. She said "Use your coping skills." and made it clear she was ending the conversation. I thought that was a miserable thing to say, and I will never again call her, if I am depressed. She's actually a pretty nice person, and we get along fine now. I just know to never contact her, if I am depressed. I have a girlfriend who I've known for years. We often go out together for lunch or dinner. She's lots of fun and I enjoy her company. BUT . . . I've learned to never, ever call her when I am really down. She will manage to say the very last thing I need to hear.

Sometimes, people who know you well think they are being helpful by telling you how you may have helped create your own unhappiness. It's the last thing you need friends or family to talk about when you are coping with depression, but it's often where they will go. Hearing inane stuff, like "Go get a kitty-cat." isn't the worst. But it's not helpful . . . I agree.

I got a chance to be on the other end of this, when a friend of mine who'ld moved out of state started calling me everytime something went wrong in her life. Things were going really badly for her, and she seemed to be in real danger of a major breakdown. For a while, I did my best to be as supportive as possible. The nicer I was, he more she called me. She seemed to be not making progress with her difficulties. It started to seem like I was playing amateur therapist, and it started to really wear me out. Plus, though she was a really nice person, the conversations seemed to be all about me validating her. I felt like I was trying to meet her emotional needs, and that was getting to be a one-way street. We drifted apart, and I'm kind of glad I no longer hear much from her.

A wise, mature therapist once told me that, "if you want someone to keep listening to your troubles, you kind of have to pay someone to do that."

You know, I agree that, if we had close friends and family who were really good at helping with depression, we might not be so depressed in the first place. That's kind of a special gift that not many people have. And those who do really only want to use it on their immediate loved ones - their spouse or child. My own mother - a very nice person - was supportive of my father in his struggles with depression. But not so much with me. She basically told me to grow up. So I knew never to call her for that.

I do hear you.

Thank you! Very wise words. (I had a very long reply to you but it vanished when my computer had a blip and I lost my Internet connection...) But I truly value what you had to say -- it is all true blue stuff, and maybe I need to just remove my rose-tinted glasses...and see things more clearly.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Thank you. You are so compassionate. I am trying to forgive those who cannot or will not bear witness to my pain. I am somewhat of a "wounded healer" and when not so compromised I actually work in the field of mental health. I know I need to put a better support structure in place. Things sort of fell apart around me because I was not living consciously. Your reply truly warmed my heart! Thank you so much for your generous spirit.

I am glad I was able to come across in a way that did not sound bitter or vicious and was easy to receive. I wasn't really sure if I was being entirely clear so thank you for letting me know my point was able to be heard. P.S. I too have had vast experience with friends and family being anything but supportive (even to this day) so I do understand the pain completely!

My mother told me to do yoga.

Not very supportive.
Failure to understand there is no cure.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Is it common for people to have to pull themselves out on their own?

Ultimately, in my experience, yes. Help and support from family and friends is great in so far as they go. That said, it's your mind and I think there's a base mental shift and internal decision that needs to be made. I'm sure some would propose the best treatment providers can help achieve that shift, and maybe they can idk. There's different types of depression. I don't think anyone else can understand the darkest depths of someone else's mind.

[marmaduke]

Problem is often family is what created the difficulies in the first place.
Its was for me anyway.
In bad clinical depression as a young teen mother just told me to to 'Stop grizzling you get on my nerves, l hate having you round me'

Yeah, she was a great comfort!

What do they say, 'Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone'.

Its like this, you have to go to the right place where people understand. Like this forum maybe.
If you go into a hardware store and ask for a loaf they won't get it, you have to chose the right place.
I can't seem to find anyone to talk to in 3D so here I am!

One of the most helpful things someone can ask and say to me is NOT 'are you okay?' but rather "Tell me about your day"

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by KCKristi

I don't know if you believe in a "Higher Being" or "Religion", but a good place to start is the Psalms in the Bible. And then head over to Proverbs. Both are good "up to date" books that teach us to not rely on others for our self worth - and how to be a good person, despite all the horrible people around us.

I totally agree with "book smarts don't equate with emotional smarts". I read a book called "The Emotional Intelligence of Children" when my kids were young....and although I have 3 "mediocre" sons (rated on society's scale) - I KNOW they have good hearts and will never cheat, and will always treat their wives/family with respect. That - to me - means, I was successful at raising them.

And to your question, I would say yes...it is common for people to just have to pull themselves out of "this" on their own. No one else fully understands or can relate to what YOU are going through, because YOU are an individual - with YOUR own experiences....both good and bad. YOU have to make them what they are - either good (learn and do better), or bad (learn and move on).

The spiritual stuff is highly inappropriate on this thread. Also, please note the writer of the original message was not asking for advice, but merely explaining her experience and wanting to know if others had a similar experience. The psuedo psycho-religious interpretation of independence vs inter-dependence was pedantic and arch, while also being dead wrong. Finally, WRITING IN CAPS DOES NOT IMPART AUTHORITY. It is just plain rude and kind of silly. The writer of the original post has a Masters in Divinity, and was a hospital chaplain. In her experience, spiritual arrogance and heavy-handedness would never be tolerated on a hospital psych ward. Please go to some quiet place and reflect on the following words: First, do no harm. I think that is a fitting motto for PsychCentral.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by KCKristi

I don't know if you believe in a "Higher Being" or "Religion", but a good place to start is the Psalms in the Bible. And then head over to Proverbs. Both are good "up to date" books that teach us to not rely on others for our self worth - and how to be a good person, despite all the horrible people around us.

I totally agree with "book smarts don't equate with emotional smarts". I read a book called "The Emotional Intelligence of Children" when my kids were young....and although I have 3 "mediocre" sons (rated on society's scale) - I KNOW they have good hearts and will never cheat, and will always treat their wives/family with respect. That - to me - means, I was successful at raising them.

And to your question, I would say yes...it is common for people to just have to pull themselves out of "this" on their own. No one else fully understands or can relate to what YOU are going through, because YOU are an individual - with YOUR own experiences....both good and bad. YOU have to make them what they are - either good (learn and do better), or bad (learn and move on).

I do need to say - while I too believe in God, Jesus and the bible: first, one of this site's rules is to "try to avoid political or religious discussion as it can be triggering" and second, there really (until you mentioned it) was no comment about religion - again bringing the first thing i mentioned into play because since it was not mentioned, you had no call to mention it and risk triggering people (especially the poster who is more than likely to read your comment even if you HAD put a trigger icon next to it - which you did not) I don't think you meant to be malicious when you wrote your comment - it seems more like you were trying to give advice and etc, but in this case the poster was just asking for experiences and knowledge based on those experiences not really advice on how to deal with it. I also don't think you are a bad person, I just think you should be more careful to make sure your comments match what the poster is saying and what the forum rules stipulate. I do wish you well. Take care.