[Lambeen]

In 2012 i remarried a man that i knew as a teenager and ended my marriage of 32 years to the father of my six sons. My first marriage was an abusive one for over 20 years and so i think it needed to end all though it was extremely difficult for me to pull myself out of that relationship, the hardest thing i have ever done. My grown sons supported me in my decision. My new husband lives in Canada and it was so hard for me to move there away from my children and grandchildren. He promised me i would be his queen and he would love me.
As soon as i moved here things started to change, i found out that he is a workaholic, he lives and breathes working. I found myself alone most of the time or out working with him doing what i would consider mans work. He would not buy me a cell phone to keep in touch with my kids, he would not take me out on date nights. I live in his 92 year old mothers basement and have done for the last 3 years while he saves money to build a home. Its a huge house for the two of us and its taking every bit of time and money he has. Now i think its wonderful to get a new house but what concerns me is that he totally neglects me. He is not interested in my feelings, especially if i want to talk about our relationship and the things that i feel need to change for me to be able to survive here. He will not communicate with me he refuses to, all though he will say something hurtful and treats me like a child and is very rude and uncaring. He says its because i "stir the pot " when all i am trying to do is tell him how i feel. I have sacrificed everything for this man and all i want from him is to care about my feelings and take me seriously. I havent been able to work here for the last three years because of immigration stuff so i have had to be completely dependent on him, he is so stingy with his money and i have to pretty much stand at the judgement bar a few times a year and explain where the money has gone. I try not to spend much and feel guilty if i go to subway or take myself out because he refuses to take me out even though i all but bet him to take me out now and again. For the most part i am alone and just do my own thing, i moved here to be loved and have a huband. He is sweet and kind as long as i never open my mouth, he does not care about my feelings and its so evident. Its basically been three going on four years of hell. He has not had to sacrifice much to marry me, his life is pretty much going on as normal with his 92 year old mum upstairs and his 54 year old handicapped brother. Anytime we go anywhere we have to take them with us, if we had a normal marriage where we did things alone i wouldnt care but i dont even feel married to him. Last night just made me realize that if i stay in this marriage i am to have no say or have any problems, He refuses to deal with that stuff. I have to take myself out of my comfort zone to move here for him, i even try to help him build the house just so he knows i am trying. He can get very rude to me if i am trying to explain things, he mocks me. I told him that if he is going to stay married to me he has to learn and want to communicate with me to some extent even if he just tells me he loves me and hugs me, that would be something. I feel like i am in this marriage totally alone physically and emotionally. I left my first marriage penniless its not like i can just take off and invade my kids homes. I dont know what to do. he tells me he loves me but i dont think he does, he just wants me to be quiet and give him no CRAP as he puts it. I do love him and i wish he loved me. I have bad anxiety issues and he actually makes me physically sick because i get very nervous and get a lot of wierd body pain when im stressed and nervous. Last night i kept asking him a question and he refused to answer me , just silence he does that to me alot. I am so sick and tired of it. He is fairweather husband i think. I need a husband sorry its so long. I am at my witts end with him

[Trippin2.0]

I am assuming your kids are all grown?

Tell them you are deathly unhappy, they clearly love you and will bring you back home.

You say you love this man, why?

You have not described anything remotely lovable, in your own words you've described "3 years of hell" and talk about "surviving" in Canada....

There's way more to life than surviving hell.

You already wasted so much time with husband number one and you had the courage to leave. Don't carry on repeating your mistakes, life is too short.

In case you're unsure, this marriage is clearly also abusive, you are being mentally, emotionally and financially abused.

My opinion, go home to your children.

[divine1966]

This is so bad! I am so sorry . Call your kids or other relatives and tell them you are being abused and you need a place to stay. Then when you are back in states file for divorce get a job and eventually move on your own or with roommate . Don't stay with this man one extra day.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, reach out to your children and family.

This is no life. You deserve more.

It is hard not working, but have you considered volunteering or even joining a club? Doing so may give you a sense of independence and emotional reward.

That may help for the interrim, but I think you need to get yourself out of that relationship.

[IceCreamKid]

Here is my opinion.

I think your "need" for a husband has led you to choose unwisely. This man sounds incapable or unwilling to cherish you or treat you with love and respect.

Why do you need a husband? Why do you need this husband? For income? You're not getting much benefit in that department.

I often think people believe they must love whoever it is they are with as a means of unconsciously justifying to themselves why they are with someone. This man does not sound very loveable to me. Nevertheless, even if you genuinely love this man, your needs are not being met. And your needs are important.

Either you adjust to his ill-treatment, or you find a way to get your needs met. Frankly, I think he is unlikely to improve because he has the upper hand. I've never heard a man describe his marriage and a situation in it as "stirring the pot"--what is he talking about? Your wanting to be treated like half of a loving relationship?? If you are in a relationship, you should be half of a loving relationship--and I don't see that here! Ask him to get marriage counseling with you, as a condition of continuing the marriage. If he refuses, I suggest you get your children to help you move out. Then start a new life for yourself, one that includes professional counseling to help you explore why you have been so willing to accept ill-treatment most of your life. You deserve better.

[FireIsland123]

I agree totally with all the comments above. You already raiised your own children. You don't need to be his mother or his housekeeper. You are more valuable than that and stronger than you might even imagine.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Lambeen

In 2012 i remarried a man that i knew as a teenager and ended my marriage of 32 years to the father of my six sons. My first marriage was an abusive one for over 20 years and so i think it needed to end all though it was extremely difficult for me to pull myself out of that relationship, the hardest thing i have ever done. My grown sons supported me in my decision. My new husband lives in Canada and it was so hard for me to move there away from my children and grandchildren. He promised me i would be his queen and he would love me.
As soon as i moved here things started to change, i found out that he is a workaholic, he lives and breathes working. I found myself alone most of the time or out working with him doing what i would consider mans work. He would not buy me a cell phone to keep in touch with my kids, he would not take me out on date nights. I live in his 92 year old mothers basement and have done for the last 3 years while he saves money to build a home. Its a huge house for the two of us and its taking every bit of time and money he has. Now i think its wonderful to get a new house but what concerns me is that he totally neglects me. He is not interested in my feelings, especially if i want to talk about our relationship and the things that i feel need to change for me to be able to survive here. He will not communicate with me he refuses to, all though he will say something hurtful and treats me like a child and is very rude and uncaring. He says its because i "stir the pot " when all i am trying to do is tell him how i feel. I have sacrificed everything for this man and all i want from him is to care about my feelings and take me seriously. I havent been able to work here for the last three years because of immigration stuff so i have had to be completely dependent on him, he is so stingy with his money and i have to pretty much stand at the judgement bar a few times a year and explain where the money has gone. I try not to spend much and feel guilty if i go to subway or take myself out because he refuses to take me out even though i all but bet him to take me out now and again. For the most part i am alone and just do my own thing, i moved here to be loved and have a huband. He is sweet and kind as long as i never open my mouth, he does not care about my feelings and its so evident. Its basically been three going on four years of hell. He has not had to sacrifice much to marry me, his life is pretty much going on as normal with his 92 year old mum upstairs and his 54 year old handicapped brother. Anytime we go anywhere we have to take them with us, if we had a normal marriage where we did things alone i wouldnt care but i dont even feel married to him. Last night just made me realize that if i stay in this marriage i am to have no say or have any problems, He refuses to deal with that stuff. I have to take myself out of my comfort zone to move here for him, i even try to help him build the house just so he knows i am trying. He can get very rude to me if i am trying to explain things, he mocks me. I told him that if he is going to stay married to me he has to learn and want to communicate with me to some extent even if he just tells me he loves me and hugs me, that would be something. I feel like i am in this marriage totally alone physically and emotionally. I left my first marriage penniless its not like i can just take off and invade my kids homes. I dont know what to do. he tells me he loves me but i dont think he does, he just wants me to be quiet and give him no CRAP as he puts it. I do love him and i wish he loved me. I have bad anxiety issues and he actually makes me physically sick because i get very nervous and get a lot of wierd body pain when im stressed and nervous. Last night i kept asking him a question and he refused to answer me , just silence he does that to me alot. I am so sick and tired of it. He is fairweather husband i think. I need a husband sorry its so long. I am at my witts end with him

Ok I have two questions for you and one statement - all 3 based on personal experience and a need for more information so I can better help you, I will apologize up front for it sounding like "grilling" - I am not - but I do want to help.

1. Do you have borderline personality disorder or have you been diagnosed as having codepency?

2. Is there any way you can get out of the house - and if you can can one of your children or anyone else help you get away or is there perhaps a woman's shelter nearby you can go to?

3. This is emotional abuse - emotional abuse can easily turn into physical abuse when it goes on too long (and when that happens it happens without warning) and can be deadly but emotional abuse in itself is very harmful itself psychologically (it has been closely compared to the psychological warfare experienced by POWs by psychiatrists and psychologists)

[ChipperMonkey]

A number of posts today about people re-discovering people from their teenage years and marrying them....and the fairy tale not panning out. (Just an observation.)

Did you find this guy online and move in with him/marry him without spending much time with him? I think that 99% of the time, re-kindling things with that hottie you knew in high school doesn't turn out the way you envisioned. No, its not you, rather I think we have dreams of getting the guy (or girl) and when we do, they aren't who we thought they were. Or, its because people simply change.

Anyway, this relationship doesn't seem to be the *escape* you were looking for. I think you should leave the guy. Get out. Go back to where your kids are living. STAY SINGLE FOR AT LEAST A YEAR! Relationship hopping will get you nowhere. You need to learn how to be a fully functioning single adult so that you will be strong enough to stay out of bad relationships with bad guys.....for the simple reason that you won't need a guy to support you or to make you happy.

I wish you the best.