[Long-distancelost]

I have been dating a man I love. Unfortunately we are both very busy and live 6 hours from one another. This has created lots of problems between us. At one point I thought I wanted to marry him but the distance has created issues in our relationship to the point of me thinking of breaking up with him every day.

How do you survive a long distance relationship when in the near future I maybe excepted to a grad school many more miles away? I feel like our relationship is crumbling in accelerated speed and I am just an observer and can't do anything about it.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[FNMM]

There are multiple things to do that can help you keep your love strong- even miles away from each other! First off, you need to be very POSITIVE with each other!! and you need to be very OPEN with each other! Of course communication is the most important part of any type of relationship so it's best that you guys stay open with your emotions and your thoughts. What type of issues has the distance created between you two? If the issues involve not being able to talk to each other as often, I would say plan ahead of times certain blocks of time where you guys can talk on the phone or video chat; having positive planning helps a lot!! Not only will you guys have set up time to talk and stay healthy and strong together but you guys will also have added positivity just by having the hope of knowing there is something to look forward to together. This can work also in different ways, you guys can talk about how you will feel when you finally get to see each other again and what you guys are gonna do, talk about spontaneous things like planning a vacation together! Fight hard to NOT be negative!!! Negativity and negative thinking will only help crumble a relationship!

[SilverNeurotic]

My husband and I lived apart for most of our pre marriage relationship. We made sure to visit each other as much as possible, every other month usually. In between we talked, texted and skyped on a daily basis.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

[RomanSunburn]

My husband and I seem to be one of the few couples that seem to almost do better long distance than close proximity. We've been together 10 years (married for three) and have had some aspect of distance in most of our relationship. The most important thing is communication. In a long distance relationship, communication and honesty become even more important than in close proximity relationships simply because that is really all you have.

What kind of issues are you having? If you're a little more specific, we might be able to come up with some more concrete suggestions.

Good luck!

I'm proud of you for putting your needs (school, etc) ahead of the game. While compromise is obviously important I don't think you should give up who you are. You have expressed why you can't move together by your own reason but why can't he make the compromise and join you?

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Long-distancelost

I have been dating a man I love. Unfortunately we are both very busy and live 6 hours from one another. This has created lots of problems between us. At one point I thought I wanted to marry him but the distance has created issues in our relationship to the point of me thinking of breaking up with him every day.

How do you survive a long distance relationship when in the near future I maybe excepted to a grad school many more miles away? I feel like our relationship is crumbling in accelerated speed and I am just an observer and can't do anything about it.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I have been in several LDRs, one after I swore never to do an LDR again. It really depends on what you and he are looking for in a relationship. Time together in person is more important to some than others. Is he willing to move to be with you when you go to grad school? It seems like that would be a good fresh start for both of you in a new place. Unfortunately LDRs put a lot of pressure on the relationship that isn't there for others, like do you move in together when you've never even lived in the same city? In my experience you can't really know what it's like to be with that person because in an LDR one of you is always visiting. It's hard to know what that would look like when you have a house 20 minutes down the road and a job you're going to at 8am the next day vs when you're pretty much on vacation visiting them.

If being together in person is important to you, figure out why it's not happening or can't happen in this relationship. Job, school, family, etc? Those things probably aren't going to resolve themselves, so one of you will have to sacrifice. It takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work, unfortunately If the relationship isn't meeting your needs and you think that isn't going to change anytime soon then maybe it's time to move on?

[Long-distancelost]

Thank you for all the input. He has small kids and is living with his ex just so that she doesn't take the kids. He completely supports her, mentally and financially.
It doesn't bother me because I know they are done. What bothers me is that he doesn't want to move because kids have day care, etc that he doesn't have any to disrupt.

I wouldn't mind moving but he just doesn't seem like he is ready because I have tried to end this relationship before and he is afraid to bring kids back in.
DBTDiva, I may have to take your advice ,be strong and walk away.. Yes, I love him but I am too unhappy right now.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Long-distancelost

Thank you for all the input. He has small kids and is living with his ex just so that she doesn't take the kids. He completely supports her, mentally and financially.
It doesn't bother me because I know they are done. What bothers me is that he doesn't want to move because kids have day care, etc that he doesn't have any to disrupt.

I wouldn't mind moving but he just doesn't seem like he is ready because I have tried to end this relationship before and he is afraid to bring kids back in.
DBTDiva, I may have to take your advice ,be strong and walk away.. Yes, I love him but I am too unhappy right now.

I am dating a man with kids for the first time, we have been together for over a year. I always had a no-kids policy before. Kids really do always have to come first. He shouldn't put his entire life on hold though, I don't know if he's divorced or if they were never married but either way he can get shared/joint custody. Relocating might not be an option because he wants to stay close to them but living with his ex is not a long-term option. Supporting her financially is a bad idea, but that's really separate from everything else except to say that regardless if this is his ex, he still has a family - she might as well be his current gf/wife in all ways except romantically. If he wants a future with you he needs to move on from his past.

[Long-distancelost]

I have always wanted to give him an ultimatum but will I be fair in putting this on him? He says he loves me and will do anything to keep things s relationship but his actions do not match his words.

Sounds like he is doing all the winning and you are doing all the losing.

[Long-distancelost]

Originally Posted by rcat

Sounds like he is doing all the winning and you are doing all the losing.

Can you please explain what you mean by that. I think I have played this in my head so much I am not seeing what's in front of me.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Long-distancelost

I have always wanted to give him an ultimatum but will I be fair in putting this on him? He says he loves me and will do anything to keep things s relationship but his actions do not match his words.

I feel like maybe you already know the right thing to do for yourself and just wanted some outside perspective agreeing with you. If he says one thing and does another, you have to go based on what he does.

[Long-distancelost]

That makes me so sad

[RomanSunburn]

This does sound like a very, very complicated situation. I'm a little confused, though, when you say you would be willing to move but he doesn't seem ready because you've tried to end it before? Is it that he's not ready for you to move closer to him because you've tried to end it? Or did I misinterpret that?

I wish I had more advice for you, but I really don't know what to say. This is beyond just dealing with a long distance relationship. There's a lot more going on. Just remember, you have to do what is best for you. Take care.

Originally Posted by rcat

Sounds like he is doing all the winning and you are doing all the losing.

Relationships are about compromise. That you must do all the uprooting and giving up what you have and who you are you are in fact on the losing end. He apparently is unwilling to compromise and lose any of what he has means he is winning.

The dynamics of his current living situation point to this as well. It certainly indicates that he wants to control what is in his life - that everything must be by his terms alone. The fact he wouldn't compromise when you first threatened to walk away only supports this.

His current situation and family dynamics really bother me. WHile his child comes first you should be paid honour and respect. SUpporting his child should not mean living in the same household as his 'ex' wife. If he can't support two households now, how can he support you?

While this may make you angry my recommendation is that you walk away - for good.

[butterfly.princess]

My boyfriend and I spent a year apart, on opposite sides of the country. We talked on the phone every day, usually falling asleep together at night. Long distance relationships suck. They take a lot of work. There were many days I would cry because I missed him so much, and many more I would think about breaking up with him because it was too hard. In fact, there was a month where we did break up and I started going on dates with other people, but all I could do was compare them to him. Even from 3000 miles away, he was a better man for me than anybody else I met.

If you are going to continue the relationship you have to decide 2 things:
1. Is this man worth waiting for?
2. In the future will one or both of you be willing to relocate so that you may live together permanently?

If those two questions aren't a yes, it might be better to just rip the bandaid off now.

Good luck either way.

[Long-distancelost]

Originally Posted by rcat

Relationships are about compromise. That you must do all the uprooting and giving up what you have and who you are you are in fact on the losing end. He apparently is unwilling to compromise and lose any of what he has means he is winning.

The dynamics of his current living situation point to this as well. It certainly indicates that he wants to control what is in his life - that everything must be by his terms alone. The fact he wouldn't compromise when you first threatened to walk away only supports this.

His current situation and family dynamics really bother me. WHile his child comes first you should be paid honour and respect. SUpporting his child should not mean living in the same household as his 'ex' wife. If he can't support two households now, how can he support you?

While this may make you angry my recommendation is that you walk away - for good.

I agree with you. It really bothers me that she never moved out! What is that even mean?! When I got separated I moves out of house within 24 hrs. He was done with her almost 2 years ago and he still pays for everything including her nice car and he failed business. I know its not easy supporting yourself but I feel that she will be there next to him asking for money for next 18 years.

[Long-distancelost]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

This does sound like a very, very complicated situation. I'm a little confused, though, when you say you would be willing to move but he doesn't seem ready because you've tried to end it before? Is it that he's not ready for you to move closer to him because you've tried to end it? Or did I misinterpret that?

I wish I had more advice for you, but I really don't know what to say. This is beyond just dealing with a long distance relationship. There's a lot more going on. Just remember, you have to do what is best for you. Take care.

I think because I tried to end our relationship before he is pulling back, doesn't want to involve the kids because he thinks I will break up with him again. He is having big issues because he thinks the kids will grow up hating him for breaking up family instead of their mom, who cheated.

Originally Posted by Long-distancelost

...he still pays for everything including her nice car and he failed business...I feel that she will be there next to him asking for money for next 18 years.

You've absolutely got to be firm and put your foot down my friend.

When I moved in with my now ex-husband he had full custody of his son. When the child's mother took him each weekend, my ex paid for everything - food, hotel, diapers, clothes, and pocket money. I put my foot down. He was already paying her support. I also demanded she have her own set of clothes, toys, etc for the child. That the child having a packed bag each time wasn't appropriate.

Naturally there was a scene - between the three of us. But it was I who won out. I was the one who handed the child over and I refused to hand the boy over with anything. She learnt rather quickly what it was to provide for her child.

You need to put your foot down and your BF needs to make a choice. If he feels a need to be there 24/7 for the child he should be filing for custody. At the very least he should be getting out of that household. [2yrs?!!! that's crap]

[Long-distancelost]

Oh you are right. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries.

We live 6 hrs from one another and I just don't see how I can be happy and not step over the boundaries