Dealing with a (very mentally ill emotionally unstable) boyfriend's ex-wife

I really don't know if anyone can do more than offer encouragement but it's been a rough morning. My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over a year, we have a great relationship, it's the healthiest one I've ever been in. We communicate well, adore each other, and any "fights" are usually just discussions where we actually listen and resolve things. I honestly didn't know relationships could be this way. When we met he had been separated for about a year and a half and only divorced a month but that had been very delayed due to court back-ups, they were supposed to be divorced six months prior. Anyhow, he had been living with his mom and had gotten his own place, the relationship with the ex-wife was very very over. They had been staying together for the kids anyway and when she said she didn't want to be with him anymore he agreed.

The problem is his ex-wife is extremely emotionally unstable and unwell. I have my suspicions that she has NPD maybe NPD/BPD, maybe Delusional Disorder. I really don't know except to say that she refuses to get help and seems convinced that my boyfriend (her exhusband) is still the cause of all of her problems even though they've been apart for almost 3 years. I could tell way too many stories but basically she thinks people have said things they've never said; she is never wrong; she has tried to alienate the children, disclosed to the then 10 year old that her father is a sex addict and was abused as a child after they'd discussed not mentioning it until the child was older; she drove 1,000 miles overnight to "surprise" bf and their kids over the summer because she decided a discussion couldn't take place over the phone; has shown up outside bf's apartment screaming and yelling obscenities to the point where the 15 year old's girlfriend is now afraid of her; mentally abuses the children, told the 15 year old he would never get into a good college because he got a "B" in a class, tells him he is a clone of his father whom she hates, made the 11 year old live in a closet because she claimed they couldn't afford a place with 2 bedrooms; maintains that the kids and my bf abuse HER and that she's the victim of all of them, whenever they don't say or do what she wants them to do.

Bf's 15 year old son came to live with him at the end of the summer because he couldn't handle the abuse anymore. The ex-wife moved the kids 1,000 miles away and then moved again at the end of the summer another 1,000 miles in the opposite direction. She began claiming she had "non-operable stage 4 breast cancer" that was "aggressive" and had spread to half her lymph nodes but then claimed she had an 80% change of survival. Obviously this does not add up so bf's lawyer did a discovery request for her medical records and she admitted she's been faking it, doesn't have cancer at all. So the lawyer has told my bf he feels that he should seek custody of their daughter, who is 11 and still lives with the ex-wife. This has all been incredibly stressful on my bf and I, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's exhausting never knowing what she's going to say or do. Taking the 15 year old halfway to meet her and stay with her over Thanksgiving appeared to be going smoothly, that should've been a sign of things to come, and now 4 days before we are supposed to meet her she's attempted to change the time - first she wanted 5pm, then she wanted 11pm on a different day, this is after agreeing via email on a day and time; claimed my boyfriend has changed the location, which he hasn't; accused him of being abusive and hostile, which is why he only speaks to her via text or email so that there's proof of what each of them have said; claimed the divorce papers state that she's supposed to come all the way to his home to pick the kids up so meeting us halfway is her "accomodating" us?????; 6 hours later claimed the papers state they are supposed to meet exactly half way and she will not meet us a half hour closer to her, but must drive exactly halfway; and is incensed that my boyfriend will not drop me off at a gas station before meeting her in the parking lot of a restaurant, because she does not want to have to see me. She hates me for no reason, but it should not be of any surprise that after she told my boyfriend that she didn't want to be married to him anymore that she now claims he "abandoned" her when it suits her and even tried to claim once that he had left her for me even though we did not even meet each other until they'd been separated for over a year! I just don't know how to not let this constant turmoil affect me. In the past I did consider ending the relationship just because I know that being with him means she will always be in my life in some way. Mostly I do not have to interact with her but she tries as best as she can to make life difficult for everyone and I worry about the harm she is doing to the people I love.

This would show a mental illness. BP or BPD are my guesses.

I am wondering, since discovery showed her as a liar there is legal documentation and history of her behaviour already on file. Is there such a thing as legally demanding that she have a psychiatric assessment? Just a thought.

Does the 12 year old want to live with dad?

Given all you've said, he could probably get custody.

Dad should have full custody of all kids

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I think once the judge knows she is lying about the cancer that she will order a psych assessment. The problem right now is that everything takes forever in this county because they only have ONE judge that handles all family court stuff so when she's out, nothing gets done. It makes things take forever! The discovery hasn't actually been turned in yet, when the ex got the discovery request she left some voicemails that were so concerning my bf actually spoke to her on the phone and she admitted it was all a lie. He's talking to his lawyer today and I said maybe they need to think about trying to fast track this. Appoint a guardian ad lidem for his daughter or move for an emergency psych eval...I don't know how all the legal stuff works but I'm concerned she might be decompensating somehow.

I don't know who she would want to live with. She empathizes with whichever parent she's with. So when she's with mom, dad is evil horrible (according to mom, the child never expresses this) she's terrified to talk to him, doesn't want to see him, hates him for breaking up the family, etc. Mom has only ever bad-mouthed dad to the kids, whereas he kept true to their agreement to not talk to the kids about the other parent/divorce. So until last Christmas, the 11 year old was under the impression that her dad had ended the marriage because mom tells her "he will abandon you like he abandoned me." He finally broke down and told her that her mom had said she no longer wanted to be married to him, and that's why the separation happened, the kid was shocked.

When she's with us, she talks about how hard it is to live with her mom, but if a judge said "which parent do you want to live with?" I honestly don't know what she would say. She might feel obligated to stay with her mom since her brother is with us now. She's still too young to really understand when she's being manipulated. She will catch on eventually but it's tough right now. She JUST turned 11.

That's definitely the lawyer's opinion and mine too. He's talking to the lawyer again today so hopefully something will happen. I think they need to fast-track letting the judge know she's been faking cancer, however they have to go about that legally.

(that sucks .....)

(and "she hates me for no reason"... ) (she sounds kinda like the step ***** )

Yeah it's rough. Last holiday season about this time she demanded to meet with me when she came into town to drop the kids off because she felt she had a right to meet someone her kids were going to be spending time around. I agreed that it was reasonable and to meet with her at a local coffee shop with the understanding that I would get up and walk out if she started bad mouthing me or my boyfriend (prior to this she had started calling him and starting fights when she saw on facebook that we were together. She's been blocked from both our accounts pretty much since then. Although she briefly used the 15 year old's account to cyberstalk me.) Anyhoo, she was ten minutes late and in horrible timing, my mother called and my father had a seizure, which is an ongoing health issue that started almost a decade ago, and she was hysterical and wanted me to come to their home. As I was walking out, ex-wife walked in and started being really sarcastic "yeah, yeah I know I'm late."
I apologized and said I had a family emergency and we would need to reschedule.
She said "Way to sell yourself with me!" extremely snidely and I replied "I'm not trying to sell myself with you or anyone else. I have a family emergency and need to leave."

That was the time she showed up screaming outside bf's apartment and scared her son's girlfriend. She claimed I told her I wouldn't be kept waiting and just drove off. My bf called me like "wtf?" and I had just gotten to my parents and said my dad had a seizure and mom was hysterical. The ex claimed I never said that. I did end up meeting with her later that night and it was fine and civil. Mostly her hating me doesn't have anything to do with me but she's extremely bothered by me not pretending to like her. I am polite and say "hello" and "drive safe" but I don't engage in conversation beyond that because I'm not one to be fake. She is, and it drives her nuts. Even with literally only saying "hello" and "drive safe" to her, she still says I said things I never said. I really don't know if it's her making up stories or if she really has no grasp on reality. I don't want or need her to like me, I just want her to stop hurting her kids and my bf, all of whom I love very much.

Yes, get your lawyer to fast track this on the grounds of extreme mental instability (or whatever the technical term is called). Can you get social services involved? They're concerned with child welfare.

I don't think it's come to that yet. (DHS) She's living with a friend & the friend's husband so there are some (potentially) sane, stable people around thank God.