How do I get my In Laws to Understand No?

Technically my fiance's parents aren't my in-laws yet but I refer to them as my in-laws. Last summer I moved in with my fiance to an apartment to end the long distance part of our relationship. We've been in the apartment 4 months and my in-laws have the thought in their heads that we need to buy a house now, that renting is evil.

We had this conversation when I moved and I feel that I'm not ready for a house yet because at that point my depression and anxiety hadn't really stabilized and my worry is that if I have an episode, the house will fall to pieces. An apartment is less space to take care of and no maintenance needed. When it was brought up this time, I considered it but then I saw what they want us to buy.

The problem is that my in-laws are in love with house trailers, very cheap old house trailers. My immediate thought is that in a tornado or heavy wind, the trailer will be gone, and just the thought of that possibly happening just ratchets up my anxiety. I brought that up and I was told that can't happen in trailers but it can to actual houses. Also that we'll pretty much lose our investment in several years.

I keep saying no over and over but my in-laws keep pushing and pushing because it's supposedly "cheaper" to buy a trailer than stay in an apartment. Thanksgiving and every other time I see them, it's talk about trying to convince to buy the trailer. They want to get a mortgage for us and have some payment plan with them, which is bothering me even more. They even came over Friday and had a talk with my fiance about convincing me to get this trailer when no one has even looked inside it.

I have stuck by no and have kept saying it but they will not listen! And I don't know how to get my fiance to them to back off. I probably sound spoiled but I do not want to live in a trailer, I lived with my in-laws in one for a month before we got the apartment, and I do not want to repeat that experience. And at this point, what bothers me most is that my in-laws are not listening to me! They just keep pushing and have even gone so far to figure out how to get the loan.

I can't handle this anymore. The stress is effecting my anxiety. If anyone has read this far, thank you for letting me vent!

Only I can sign myself into a loan, no matter what the pressure.

"I'm sorry, but I can't" is my preferred way of saying "no". No explanations, no profuse apologies. People ask "why not?" and I give them the broken record technique, "I'm sorry, but I just can't".

Eventually, they get it.

What scares me is that my in-laws are the ones that would be taking out the loan and my fiance would be paying them back. If I can refuse to sign any paperwork, I will but I can't stop my fiance from signing. At least I think that's how they want to do it, I'm confused by the whole deal and I don't want us to get in anything that I don't fully understand. And a lot of it is being conducted behind my back when I'm not present.

I will use the I'm sorry but I can't technique though! It will come in handy especially at work.

If your fiancé won't listen to the word "no" and abide by your wishes, is this a guy you really want to spend the rest of your life with? I understand you're in the lovey-dovey part of the relationship, but later on this behavior will get old. If it doesn't change now, it may never. He needs to stand up to his parents and say no. You come first now. Time to cut those apron strings.

Yikes. If it was me, I would be worried that this issue of going around my back on decisions is something that I can expect throughout the marriage.

Right on!

Time for your fiance to step up on your behalf. If not, this will not be the last time you have to deal with this issue.

Stop having conversations with people about things that are absolutely none of their business. This isn't only about buying a trailer. This is about your in-laws grooming you to accept that they are going to be in the middle of your relationship, butting in where they don't belong. It's the trailer now. Next it will be when you should have your first child.

These people got their son trained since he was a tot to accept this intrusiveness. So don't expect too much help from him. You've got to role-model for him how to handle this. Simply refuse to talk with these people about this subject. Don't get upset. Don't explain yourself, as to why you don't want a trailer. When you do that, you are allowing these people to control what you talk about.

The way to stop talking about something is to stop talking about it. The way to discourage people from trying to control you is to stop making it easy for them. Privately, tell your boyfriend what you have decided. Then do it. If you need to, put your fingers in your ears and go, "la la la la la, I'm not listening." They will talk about whatever they want, but you don't have to join the conversation.

If you can master this, you will greatly empower yourself. This is just the beginning. These folks are going to be pains in the rear for as long as they live. Start now claiming your right to ignore them. You'll be having to do that a lot on a variety of topics.

I want to add that if your fiancé is taking on serious debt without your approval, this is a major red flag. Now it's a trailer, later it could be worse.... And this will put a burden on your financial future, too.

This is excellent advice. It's simple and easy to remember. Engrave it on the inside of your forehead.

Do not marry him. He didn't cut apron string yet

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I understand that it is possible to love a man who has overly clingy parents and not be willing to leave him just for that reason. divine makes a good point about him being still tied to apron strings. I agree, but I wouldn't expect you to break up over that. However, you do need to face that your guy is emotionally dependent on and involved with his parents to an unhealthy degree. If that wasn't the case, he would have long ago put up more appropriate barriers between his parents and himself. This is going to continue causing problems for you. You might want to have a heart-to-heart with him about this. Don't belittle him, but talk to him about how some things are between the two of you only. Don't expect him to change his parents. He can't. But he can change himself - a bit - if he understands how important it is and how wrong it is for his folks to be all up in his business as they are. This problem will come up about other things besides where you live.

Thanks for the advice everyone! I have put leaving in the back of my mind if they go ahead and get the trailer despite they knowing how I feel. My fiance doesn't know that yet because I haven't entirely made up my mind. There is some hope, he has agreed to not get it if it is absolute trash regardless of what his parents say. I will look at it under the one condition that I get to take my brother with us because my brother can bring an outside opinion to the situation. He's agreed to my terms.

Them butting in about grandchildren is one of my big fears. After this started, I started having nightmares about them wanting grandchildren. We have chosen to be childfree for now for my mental health and I am not budging on that.

When I was in therapy, one of my therapists did tell me that sometimes I do need to ignore what is being said. I will be sticking to I'm sorry but I can't with them.

I understand that he can't change his parents. I had to accept a long time ago with an ex that I can't force people to change. Part of it was that my fiance grew up a lot differently than I did and he sees it as normal whereas I don't. I am working on writing a letter letting him know I feel when he blabs some things to family.

He did stand up to his parents and got control of his car title last week so there is some hope! And I had nothing to do with that!

I spent 8 empty years with a man who couldn't put me first ahead of his monther. During all that time He continued to show up for weekly 'family' dinners that neither included me nor their grandchildren. As for the grandchildren while she was constantly quick to offer advice and complain about my parenting choices (ie. nursing was disgusting) not once did she ever offer to babysit or spent time alone with them. We never moved into a house because he needed to stay near his parents so he could run over at every beck and call.

Rarely did he stand up for me. I should have put my foot down from the beginning. I should have realised his behaviour would never have changed. While I did end up with two beautiful children I stayed with him far too long in the false name of love.

Your future in-laws are crazy if they think a trailer is safer than a house in a tornado. Absolutely. Crazy.

Are you prepared to live on your own? If he wants to buy a trailer, let him. Let him go live in it, and you can stay in the apartment. I'm not sure how far along in the wedding planning you are, but you might want to investigate a prenup so in the case that you do marry him and eventually get sick and tired of his family, and divorce him, you won't have to take on his debt. At the very least, letting him move out would probably send a pretty clear message to everyone involved that you will not be bullied into something you don't want.

Dude, seriously, a trailer in a tornado?

I agree with what everyone else has said. You feeling uncomfortable with making such a big step is reason enough for it to not happen - it should be more than enough reason for your fiance to put a stop to it. His parents have awful boundaries, but that doesn't mean you have to let them walk all over you. Just keep saying "I don't want to discuss this" over and over, they call that the "broken record technique." Shut them down every single time. The key to setting boundaries is consistent reinforcement.

I want to mention something no one else has, that is that you are right a trailer is a bad investment. Real estate in general isn't a great investment but trailers are not great at all. With a home in a decent area if real estate holds up, you could probably break even or make a profit if you stay in a house 8-10 years. It's doubtful that would be the case with a trailer. Yes, paying a mortgage is cheaper than paying rent, however when your hot water heater breaks down in an apartment you call the landlord. When your hot water heater breaks down in something you own, you pay the repair man out of pocket and maybe then pay it replace it because it's shot...It can be very expensive. So you need savings for unforseen things or you'll end up just running to the in-laws. If they control where you live/the money you need, they control you.

I've also never heard of trailers not blowing away in tornados but houses being less safe. Tornados aren't safe in general but trailers aren't the ideal choice for riding one out.