Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Dec 07, 2015, 07:03 PM
CycloMary's Avatar
CycloMary CycloMary is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: Rollercoaster Mary Go Round
Posts: 106
I have been married for almost 18 years. H & I have been fighting over the same stuff forever.
I want him to initiate affection or sex.
I have ALWAYS initiated sex.
He doesn't compliment me, other than my cooking.
I have been the sole provider for the past 12 years. He lost his job when I was pregnant & has been a stay at home dad, which I have resented bc I wanted to stay home. The home we live in was given to us by his parents but nothing is in my name. They gave him his car but I bought mine with my own money.
He is a hoarder & collects things that are taking over my bedroom.
My house is cluttered up with stuff.

I have tried talking to him about it but I don't get anywhere. He says even if he did all the things I ask, I would still be unhappy. That what he does will never be good enough. But he's never tried.
We have gone to counseling many times but he won't follow through on what he's supposed to. They start to focus on him & he gets mad.
He is a functional alcoholic.

Now that I've been recently diagnosed BP, he blames everything on that. That I'm the one who is unstable.

I just want my husband to pay attention to me. To make me feel appreciated. To feel cherished. To be affectionate & playful.
I know I'm not perfect but I just want to know that I am loved.
I am so bitter & hurt that I don't want to try anymore.
I want to move out but I don't want to hurt my child.
But I want to meet someone & experience a happy fulfilling love before I get too old. I'm 40 & still look pretty good.
I just scared to be alone.
I don't know what to do.
I gave him an ultimatum a year ago, he quit drinking, did good for 6 months, then he went back to his old ways.
I'm tired of hurting.
It triggers my BP & makes me suicidally depressed sometimes.
I know I can't blame him for that but I know if I was in a happy relationship, I wouldn't be in as bad a shape as I am.
What should I do?
__________________


750mg Lithium
50mg Seroquel titrating up



It is a blessing & a curse to feel things so intensely.
Hugs from:
Anonymous37780, baseline

advertisement
  #2  
Old Dec 07, 2015, 07:10 PM
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me healingme4me is offline
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 46,298
I think the first step is removing the focus off the idea(l) of another relationship and focus on what makes you happy. Have you done any alanon/codep work? If giving up on the ideal for now can help, could you? Maybe start a trial separation, even in home and in essence give up on the romantic aspect of marriage. Cohabitation as co partners in parenting and take a deep breath.



Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk
  #3  
Old Dec 07, 2015, 08:30 PM
ChipperMonkey's Avatar
ChipperMonkey ChipperMonkey is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Somewhere/Anywhere/Nowhere
Posts: 1,516
Stop me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you may be enabling him? Your kids are in school, right? What does he do all day long? Hoard and drink?
__________________
Will work for bananas.
Thanks for this!
DBTDiva
  #4  
Old Dec 07, 2015, 10:03 PM
Anonymous37780
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
CycloMary, I see a lot of factors here. I see codependency issues, not wanting to be alone and conforming to guarantee security. I see alcoholism which deflates a persons ambition and efforts to null and void. I see worry, I see focusing inward on ones self rather than looking at the outward of the situation. Economically it works for you. He tends to the child, housing. You work and cook. I see basically a role reversal of him being you and you being him. I see that overflowed into all aspects of the union. Put things into perspective and look at it that way. If you love him, which you do, then find a list of things why you like being with him. I know once one person feels something the vibes are picked up by the other partner subconsciously. And if all else fails, prayers works. It calms ones self and helps ones self to accept things and go forward. I hope this helps some. Blessings and tc.
Thanks for this!
baseline
  #5  
Old Dec 08, 2015, 03:46 AM
Yismymindblank12 Yismymindblank12 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 1,091
He's hurting on some internal conflict he is having. He is shutting down not telling you is a way of distancing himself from you. His alcoholism is a bi product of it as well as his hoarding. He's hoarding, because he's holding onto something he has lost, and you must find out what that is. You should show you accept that. I also do agree that he does indeed need an intervention he's very ill mentally and physically. He's ailing and he needs you the most, but you possibly could be enabling his actions as well possibly. That in order for him to appreciate you, he needs to find inner peace to get rid of his cloudy mind and actually get back a man you want to give you the affection and sex you need.

It's the appreciation is gone, because he lost himself in his own pain in his heart over who knows what, but once that's been settled. That he sees you've been their for him he will see show his gratitude. This is what I would like to happen in my opinion.
  #6  
Old Dec 08, 2015, 04:13 AM
Anonymous37971
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I appreciate you. As the sole breadwinner, you could force his hand by staging a work slowdown or stoppage due to any number of possible justifications that would threaten your family's finances and impress upon him the need for him to contribute to the family's income in order for you all to stay afloat.
  #7  
Old Dec 08, 2015, 10:58 AM
IceCreamKid IceCreamKid is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Jan 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,260
Do you have a therapist for yourself? If you do not, I suggest you get one to help you sort out these issues. You and your hubs' family have enabled the hubs to play Little Boy Take Care of Me for so long, of course he is going to kick up a fuss now that you want him to man up.

Your child is already being affected by having an alcoholic parent.

Considering you are not getting your major needs met: love, affection, sex, support--both financial and emotional, a safe, well-ordered home--

Why are you staying with this man?

If this were my situation, I'd put a time limit on it: 6 mos; I'd get counseling for myself and notify the hubs that things will change or we'd go our separate ways; if he pulls the "the child lives with me" I'd remind him that as an unemployed alcoholic with a hording problem, the child would be better off with me and not let custody be used as a leveraging tool for him to continue to get his own way.

Meanwhile I'd be figuring out a budget; looking into suitable places to live; giving consideration to where the child goes to school, etc.

He'll likely ask for alimony. I'd want a good attorney to help me put a time limit on that. He's stayed out of the workforce long enough.
Thanks for this!
DBTDiva, Trippin2.0
  #8  
Old Dec 08, 2015, 12:33 PM
DBTDiva's Avatar
DBTDiva DBTDiva is offline
Veteran Member
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: USA South
Posts: 507
Quote:
Originally Posted by CycloMary View Post
I have been married for almost 18 years. H & I have been fighting over the same stuff forever.
I want him to initiate affection or sex.
I have ALWAYS initiated sex.
He doesn't compliment me, other than my cooking.
I have been the sole provider for the past 12 years. He lost his job when I was pregnant & has been a stay at home dad, which I have resented bc I wanted to stay home. The home we live in was given to us by his parents but nothing is in my name. They gave him his car but I bought mine with my own money.
He is a hoarder & collects things that are taking over my bedroom.
My house is cluttered up with stuff.

I have tried talking to him about it but I don't get anywhere. He says even if he did all the things I ask, I would still be unhappy. That what he does will never be good enough. But he's never tried.
We have gone to counseling many times but he won't follow through on what he's supposed to. They start to focus on him & he gets mad.
He is a functional alcoholic.

Now that I've been recently diagnosed BP, he blames everything on that. That I'm the one who is unstable.

I just want my husband to pay attention to me. To make me feel appreciated. To feel cherished. To be affectionate & playful.
I know I'm not perfect but I just want to know that I am loved.
I am so bitter & hurt that I don't want to try anymore.
I want to move out but I don't want to hurt my child.
But I want to meet someone & experience a happy fulfilling love before I get too old. I'm 40 & still look pretty good.
I just scared to be alone.
I don't know what to do.
I gave him an ultimatum a year ago, he quit drinking, did good for 6 months, then he went back to his old ways.
I'm tired of hurting.
It triggers my BP & makes me suicidally depressed sometimes.
I know I can't blame him for that but I know if I was in a happy relationship, I wouldn't be in as bad a shape as I am.
What should I do?
The thing with ultimatiums is that they are useless unless you follow through with them. You told him something along the lines of "if you don't stop drinking I will leave you." Quitting for 6 months and starting again is not not the desired outcome, to uphold that ultimatium you should have followed through with leaving him. Now whatever you say to him is going to be like an empty threat because he will not believe you will follow through with the consequences. I don't see how he is "functioning" if he hasn't worked in 12 years!

I don't know what state youre in but I would think that most places if you are married and have cohabitated in that house for 18 years you would have some claim to it even if it is just in his name. If it's in his parents' name not his, that might be different. It sounds like he has a lot of issues to work on but you don't have to stand by while he continues to drink and hoard. If you're this unhappy, you should probably think about leaving. Your child is going to be damaged by having his/her primary caregiver drunk all the time and having an alcoholic father. Way more damaged by that than by a divorce! Right now, the child is learning that this is normal, the way dad drinks, the way mom and dad fight, etc.
__________________
Borderline PD/Major Depression/Anxiety

Living well in recovery from mental illness is possible!
Thanks for this!
Trippin2.0
Reply
Views: 463

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:17 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.