[confusedGUY]

Hi all i'm new to this board but just needed to ask some questions which i probably already know the various answers to but i just can't figure out...bear with me please.

So im 19 in cali and towards the end of my first year of college i started going with this girl we'll call T, also a freshman. I knew she had a guy back home but from what i heard he was basically a player and she needed to get over him anywho. So we started hanging out got pretty intimate but not all the way etc etc.

Then we got to what we would do over the summer, and my first reaction was that i wanted to be with her. This gave her a vexed, concerned look but she said she knew what she had to do and that was break up with the bf back home. Obviously i knew this would be a lot harder said than done but for the time being i thought it was ok.

Two weeks after school is over i go the several hours to hang out with my buddy who lives near her for a weekend, and also hang out with her. While me and my friend are out, she txts me saying she wants to talk etc... so the next day i call her try to find out whats up she says she wants to talk in person...ok bad ideas obviously in my head.

So we meet up the next day and shes all happy, we go hang out in a park etc. Except thing is, i knew something was up, and while we were laying there she said she couldnt break up to the guys face that easily or whatever. I said that sucks etc etc.

Ok so i leave and two weeks later she goes to prom with him as he is in high school, and she didnt want to just bail on him a couple wks before prom. This obviously once again concerned me but i gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Online we talk and she says she finally decided she wants to be "single" over the summer, because she will be so busy with jobs, but if she was with anybody she'd be with me. That's ok with me, and in a week or so i'm gonna go back down there to hang out some more with her and friends... problem is, she isn't calling me when she says she will, she still talks to this other guy, she never told me it was over with him, she isnt really clear with anything she does, and i know she isnt the best at just DOING things (ie breaking up with the old guy)

So now here i sit, quite confused. I'll let it be known that i don't have the best self esteem at all, even though people tell me i'm good looking well built nice all that. For whatever reason i still feel like a little kid inside to an extent and im exceptionally nice and trusting to girls even when i feel like i shouldnt be.

Now she said for her and the guy it will be over after the summer even if they had stayed together, but at the same time she clearly makes overtones that she wants to be with me when we go back to school/in the future.

My problem is this -- i don't know for sure whether or not she is still with the guy...i don't know for sure whether or not she still likes me (as much as i pretty much LOVE her)... asking her the deal with the guy is likely to be confrontational and i don't want that. If i could turn back the hands of time i would just say she could do whatever over the summer and we could be together in the fall, but now that i have this emotional investment i feel like letting her stay with the guy at this point is extremely demeaning and i wouldn't respect myself, and how could i expect her to respect me after that? Not only that, but to know she picked another guy, one who i hear from many sources is not faithful to her, over me, who absolutely adores the girl, is so debasing and i really am at wits end at this point...somebody please help a brother ouut

[seeker1950]

Hi, and welcome to PC!
You are suffering while she is playing...period! Her feelings aren't as serious as yours and you are suffering while she's playilng you! I say go on and enjoy your summer, dismiss thoughts of this girl and have a good time yourself, including dating others.
I'm old enough to be your grandmother, but I did much the same to a fella in college, who pined for me as I played around, and gave him the runaround. And he remained faithful and was ALWAYS there for me! He should have walked away at the first sign of my waywardness, but he didn't! I regret that I treated someone like this, but it is valuable expreience in relating what you are going thru. Just the fact that she went to the prom with this fella should be enough for you to say..."Bye!"
Patty

[meander]

I agree with Patty. It sucks since you're into her so much, but at the end of the day, if she felt the same she wouldn't be playing with you like this. Try to move on, and maybe she'll get over it one day and come chasing after you, but until that happens look after yourself... you seem like a nice guy, and there's heaps of girls looking for someone like that out there.

[confusedGUY]

thanks for the quick reply but as an addendum and a few more questions...

what do i tell her?
when we had our conversation she said she wanted to really be single and i should tell her if im with any other girls
i obviously said she should tell me if shes with other guys as well...so we both agreed on that

now she may or may not be holding up on her end, but what do i say...do i just ask her? or should i just play the game like she is...to be honest im a very conscientious person and playing a game just isn't me and somewhat believing in karma/maybe a god that would be damn sure to bite me in the *** and hard.

also i havent been with many girls before and the whole prospect of trying to find a girl who actually likes me too seems somewhat staggeringly difficult and even if i do confront her about it, it is gonna take me awhile to get over the whole thing...yeah i'm probably overly emotional for a guy but i am what i am.

[seeker1950]

Okay...
She wants "to be single" for the summer. That should be your answer from her. If you feel you must communicate with her regarding this, just say you will "be single" also. No other explanation is necessary....like if you're seeing another girl! You may not feel ready to do this, and you sound very sensitve and honest, but since it sounds like she's "playing" you, that is really all the explanation you need to give.
Sometimes yoiu just have to take care of yourself first...be tough!...even in matters of love!
Patty

[meander]

To be honest, I'd probably not tell her anything at all. Do you think it'd make you feel better knowing what she was doing over summer? It sounds like she wants the best of both worlds, she wants to be single and do whatever, but then when you're both back at school she wants you around then... at her convenience, not yours. Whatever relationship you guys have seems to be all about her, not about you.

You're right that finding someone is "staggeringly difficult", but remember that it's not the be-all and end-all of life, and surely you'd prefer to wait a while and find someone that truly likes you rather than someone that is quite happy to play mind-games with you and make you feel bad?

It will almost definitely take you a while to get over it, and don't feel bad about that. But before you have anything further to do with this girl, just look out for yourself ok? Don't let her hurt you, you deserve way better.

[seeker1950]

I agree with Meander...really NO explanation of contact is necessary!
patty

she wants her cake and eat it too..........in other words, as stated above, she's playing you like a drum...........good luck.....cool it with her and someone will come along who is honest with you......xoxo pat p.s. better now than later.

A similair thing happened to my son, only it wasn't at college...
Best thing for you is to go on and do your "own" thing too.

[SongBirdandDaisy]

I agree with everyone here. It's a shame to hear that this girl finds you convenient because you sound like a genuine, sincere person who has much to offer. My friend, you are just starting out in life and you will meet so many different people. And one of them will love you for who you are, not because you are convenient. And you will fall in love again.

Take this one as experience and move on. If your relationship is just starting and she's behaving this way???? What kind of future can you possibly have? I would say get out before it's way too late and you really get hurt.

You can be honest with her. Tell her that you are looking for a different kind of relationship. One in which both people are committed to the partnership, not where you do all the work and wait around for her when she feels like going off. It sounds like she already told you "I want to be single . . ."

I know this is hard. I think we've all had a relationship where one is in love and the other less committed or unsure. This happened to my nephew, only he got the girl pregnant so did the "noble" thing and married her. Now he sits at home watching the baby (he gave up college and his future for "his love")and she "goes out".

Think about what you want from a relationship and if this one isn't providing what you are looking for, take your losses.

Best of Luck.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there -- Welcome to PC. I agree with what others have said --

1. The relationship is all about her; she's interested in you at her convenience.

2. You are an honest, sincere, and intelligent young man, who deserves better.

3. You don't owe her any explanations. She wants to be single; you agree. Whether you use your singleness to date or not date is none of her business. She's single, remember?

4. It may hurt like the dickens to end things with her, and it will be especially hard when you return to school. Get involved in other activities, so that you have no time for hanging out with her.

5. You are young, and dating experiences need not culminate in permanence at this stage of your life. You had fun, now it's over. Be glad for what you had and move on. Easier said than done, I know from bitter, painful experience. But your self-respect is at stake. You say you have low-esteem. Therefore, you must be sure to chose actions that contribute to a growing sense of self-respect.

Good luck, Confused. I hope you will keep us posted on how things work out for you over the long haul. I know someone who truly cares about someone as nice as you is out there.

[confusedGUY]

Thanks for your advice everyone.

I'm gonna explain a few more things even though it seems pretty cut and dried from where ya'll are standing.

Firstly...i'm usually a very good judge of character, which is part of the reason this situation is difficult. This girl, as far as i can tell, has a really good heart. When she was having trouble breaking up with the other guy and i met with her, she got physically sick from stressing out. You can tell when someone is faking sick and when they are really not feeling well, and trust me, she was feeling like hell.

Second, i think "single" is a mistaken way that she described how she wanted to the situation to be. Now, how she wantED it to be, and how she may want it to be NOW may be two completely different things, but she says she is one to get quite involved/attached when she actually gets into a relationship, and she just wasn't ready to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend without having some time to herself to know that she can cope without someone to lean on. That seemed reasonable to me at the time, especially since she was trying to break up with a guy that she had been going with for a year+ while I had only really been seeing her for about a month. In addition, she said the purpose of said time alone was not to be running around with other guys, but to honestly have time to herself. Who knows if she is telling the truth but we'll find out eventually.

In hindsight, i should not have gotten myself so involved in this particular relationship, and should have waited for next school year to pursue her, as these difficulties really could have been avoided. But you can't cry over spilt milk...even though I do...

I'm really not sure if she's seeing the other guy anymore. They still talk and using some snooping (maybe stalkerish but who really cares) tactics, it seems as though they are at the very least still friendly. The only other thing that concerns me is that she always says she'll call later in a day etc and then not, saying she is really busy/has swimming practice in the morning....which she probably does, but still it's obviously concerning.

I think what i'll do is when i go down there in a few days is be really honest and ask her what is up/what's changed, if anything. I'll try hard not to get angry, though that can be a problem for me as I'm pretty emotional and tend to get pretty pissed sometimes, but I never really act on my anger which i'm sure doesn't help my mental/emotional state, but it's better than freaking out whenever I am pissed. I'll try to have an honest talk with her and not allow her to be vague about what she's saying. If she has a good heart she'll be honest and tell me what she thinks, if I've been reading her wrong the whole time she will likely get somewhat angry that I'm pressing her on the issues, in which case I don't need to be around her -- case closed.

It's a damn lonely world though but thanks for your help everybody and i'll try to keep you posted on what happens, because even though it really isn't your problem, you all put in your two cents to help me get over my problem, and in doing so helped shoulder the burden, so i figure its only right that i'd let you know what happens.

thanks
slightlylessconfusedGUY

[Wants2Fly]

Best wishes for a positive outcome, CG.

[meander]

CG,

It sounds like you've got a plan there. I think you should definitely make it clear that you want a relationship with her, and don't really want anything less. If she doesn't feel the same, I think you're just going to get hurt again if you stick around, and there are others out there, I promise!

Good luck anyway,

-Meander