[Petal7]

Am I being emotionally abused or over reacting?*

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 years we have 2 children,* our relationship has never been "perfect"* but we were happy.* However recently in the past year or so he's changed so much He constantly puts me down on my appearance (I'm a stay at home mum so rarely wear makeup or other other than jeans or tracksuits) he's started making comments on my weight & post pregnancy body.**
He will search for fitness pages & look at all of the girls and suggest I need to join a gym.*It's really making me self conscious about myself.
He makes comments on how stupid I've become since not working, he will do daft little quizzes and if I get something wrong he laughs & says you need to go back to school.
Whenever I say how tierd I am he will always 1 up me and then say well I actually work not sit around playing with the kids.
He will say that I need to get out more with my friends but when I do manage a day or night out he will moan & constantly message me asking how long I'll be.**
His drinking has got out of Control & he's recently started attacking me, he will provoke me & wind me up until I push him away and then he will retaliate "in self defence" Then will call me all the names under the sun & that I'm crazy.
He tells his friends that I don't allow him out on boys nights out because I'm controlling when in fact it's because he gets into such a state I'm terrified of the consequences to him or the after blows if we argue.*
He tells me that all of his friends hate me,* but when we go out together I get along with them all & they actually seem happy to me and we all have a laugh.*
He makes me question everything I do or say, second guessing myself constantly. If I reply to him he will say I've replied in a sarcastic way or shouting when I'm just speaking normally.*
When it comes to our sexual relationship it's virtually non existing unless he decides and when it does happen it's all about him. He doesn't cuddle me unless he feels like it if I try to cuddle up to him he won't touch me so it's awkward.

I honestly don't what's happened to us,* I just want to feel happy again but I'm beginning to think it's never going to happen.* I don't have family to turn to and I feel isolated in the house with no friends

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Cannot say if he has good intentions, but calling you fat or stupid is mean. A partner should support you and not bring you down. He might be having a hard time himself for whatever reasons (providing financially for his family comes to mind), but it is immature for him to dump his negative emotions on you. It is not for us to secide if these actions constitute emotional abuse, since we have only heard your side and we do not know either of you but there are nicer ways to tell someone to get in shape than he did in my opinion. He may be needing support as much as you rigjt now. Did you ask him why he has distanced himself lately? Have you considered couple's therapy? Hope you can work it out and make te best choice for yourself.

[NewCommer]

Besides what mousebear says. Everything you're saying right now, have you also told him the same things?

Comunication is part o f the key. I'm sorry to hear what you're passing right now, but as we are, we can't change anyone, but ourselves, so the only advice i can think of is do your best to help yourself feel better.

We're here for you

[Permacultural]

Yes, you're being emotionally abused.

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Yes, you're being emotionally abused.

Agree. He is being abusive.
Sounds rather like my NPD ex.
Told me I'm lazy, fat, stupid. That I had 'S##t for brains'
Would come in from work, I was a stay at home mum. Dinner would have to on the table or else there was trouble.
I was told I did nothing all day except sat on my fat a##e and watch TV he said the house was untidy.
'You can't even cook a boiled egg without f##king it up'

He went out I stayed in.
He didn't help at all and never took any notice of the children. Very hurtful.

The day I left that NPD creep was one of the best days of my life.
Such a relief not to get put down and bullied every day.
He hit me occasionally too when in one of his rages. He would blame that on 'stress at work'
There are NO Excuses for violence. There are NO exuses for endless criticism and ridicule.
I don't punch someone if I'm stressed!
It was my fault he say because I'd 'wound him up'
BS.
I am horrified I let someone treat me so very badly. But, in my ignorance of how life should be l thought I deserved nothing better.

So not true!!

Would be good to get away for a while, if possible.

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[Petal7]

I have looked at couples therapy he thinks it's a stupid idea because we're in a relationship not married. I sent him a link to read over where if your agree with 8 or more things therapy could beneficial he read it laughed and then closed his phone..
I know he is stressed w9th work & money problem at the moment but he earns 3 times as much as I do and I manage to pay half of everything & still have a few pennies to save, when I attempt to speak to him about it he says I don't know what I'm talking about and starts raising his voice, he's very condescending.

He beens off work for 3 weeks now and barely helped around the house fair enough he's helped with the kids but Thier his kids so why shouldn't he? I wish I would of stuck by my word and kicked him out to show him I can do it on my own but I honestly don't th8nk I can

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I agree with Permacultural it is emotional abuse. I went through something similar with my sister she would call me names etc.

[healingme4me]

You did mention him drinking. That's where my flags went up.

Mentioned was, "but" he is under a lot of stress,at work.

Scoffs at couples counseling.

Having a parent home to raise kids is a mutual decision, it's not uncommon and there's nothing wrong with children having a parent at home with them, full-time when younger and after school to come home to. He 'should' count his blessings.

Why is he out of work, for three weeks?

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[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by Petal7

I have looked at couples therapy he thinks it's a stupid idea because we're in a relationship not married.

Seriously? You two have two kids, working on your relationship is important and he should know that. It sounds like he is not taking your relationship seriously and still sees himself as a free bird.

Why didn't you get married?

[nicoleflynn]

It is called verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; hope you read it; it will open your eyes. Your children are also being abused.

P.S. Couples therapy is never recommended when one person is the abuser; the abuser has issues that need to be dealt with by themselves, first.

Originally Posted by Petal7

Am I being emotionally abused or over reacting?

Let's see...

Originally Posted by Petal7

1) He constantly puts me down on my appearance
2) He makes comments on how stupid I've become since not working
3) His drinking has got out of Control & he's recently started attacking me, Then will call me all the names under the sun & that I'm crazy.
4) He tells his friends that I don't allow him out on boys nights out because I'm controlling when in fact it's because he gets into such a state I'm terrified of the consequences to him or the after blows if we argue.
5) He tells me that all of his friends hate me
6) He makes me question everything I do or say, second guessing myself constantly.

I think you're answering your question, except that his abusive behaviour is getting dangerously close to physical abuse (fueled by alcohol, which makes it even worse), so it's not only emotional abuse anymore.

I don't know what sort of help is available to you where you live, but you need help, and fast.

Here are some links that I hope helps you get some advice (UK):

Trafford Domestic Abuse Services
Refuge - Recognising Abuse
NHS - Getting Help For Domestic Violence

Good luck!

[Petal7]

He's self employed so can take as much time off as he likes, so over the holidays he's had 3 weeks off.

It isn't the first time somebody has said he thinks or is behaving like he's still single, I appreciate the fact he works his arse off for us but a little help around the house at weekend shouldn't be much to ask for. He keeps saying to me we will get married I'm waiting to buy you a really nice ring not a cheap one, not that I've ever said ffs I'm not having that it's cheap! In my eyes it's an excuse..

Thank you for all your replies & your links I don't know how to connect each of my replies to your responses.

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[Murmug]

Yes. A man who loved and RESPECTED you would never say anything to hurt your feelings or make you feel less of a woman. Pregnancy, birth, and child rearing take a lot out of a woman. Perhaps you should start leaving him to babysit while you do your make up and go out without him. He sounds selfish. Also I don't know if you have thought of this but pornography has a tendency to make a man highly critical of his partner. I did a study on this. Maybe he's watching?? I know my own normally loving fiancé started making comments about my weight when he was watching it on a daily basis. Definitely not ok. You are a beautiful woman and if he's not happy with you sure as **** there will be another guy delighted to have you.❤️