[toysoldier727]

I have had an on again off again relationship with my youngest son. When his mother and I separated I moved from Georgia to Illinois, he was 15 and given the choice to come with me or stay in Georgia. Since then he has always acted as if I owed him something because I divorced his mother. He has two daughters, 9 and 5. He has unbelievable expectations in order for him to let us see the grand-daughters. He believes we have to earn the right to become grandparents. wants us to call them every night before bed time. we are suppose to jump if he wants anything from us and visits are always at their house. I have been away in Illinois and California for the past 10 years, except for the yea in Iraq. So I moved 3000 miles to Georgia to be closer to him and his family.

On Christmas eve and Christmas day he had no time for us, but tells us he will see us on Saturday to exchange gifts. Around 4 o'clock no word from them, so I text to find out when he will be coming home. He text back and told me it would be around about 8 o'clock Tell him that's a little late for us and asked if when they were done at his wife's parents house just to come on by. So he text back and tells me to forget it and that every time we meet I cause drama. So I say fine will bring presents by and leave them at the bottom of the steps. When I get there he comes down the steps, opens the passenger door and throws a bag with our presents at me and I throw them back out of the car. He proceeds to tell me what a terrible parent and grandparent I am and tries to goat me to get out of the car. My wife gets back in the car and my son and his wife come to my side of the car still trying to get me to get out and fight. I start backing out of the driveway and my son throws our presents at the car. When we get home there is a dent in the hood and windshield side panel that is chipped. We go to the police to file a report for insurance, takes down our info and we are done. My son and his wife go to the police sometime after we did and says I tried to run his wife over and that's why he threw the bag, in "self defense". So mow he is wanting to press charges for terroristic threats, aggravated assault and criminal trespassing. We talked to the investigator and he believed us and recommended we go to the magistrate and request a hearing, which is what they would have to do as well.

what should I do?
1. File for the hearing
2. let the insurance company fight him to get the money
3. Eat the deductible and let it go

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Great I just typed a whole reply and it got erased. Anyways. Would your son consider counseling for you two? It sounds like he's filled with resentment and a lot of anger. I had a issue with my half sister pushing me away and I tried everything only to come to the conclusion that you can only do so much. You've tried and made an effort it's time for him to come around. As far as the insurance goes, It would depend on how much i'd have to pay out of pocket. I once hit a parked car and the guy tried to seriously exaggerate the damage and I refused to answer calls from his company so my company never paid out.

[marmaduke]

Could it be that you ex wife has poisoned your son against you?
He is full of anger.
Was he a difficult kid?

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Originally Posted by toysoldier727

I have had an on again off again relationship with my youngest son. When his mother and I separated I moved from Georgia to Illinois, he was 15 and given the choice to come with me or stay in Georgia. Since then he has always acted as if I owed him something because I divorced his mother. I have been away in Illinois and California for the past 10 years, except for the yea in Iraq.

I totally understand why he's acting that way.

You say he was "given the choice" to come with you. I think it's hard for a 15 y.o. to be put agaisnt the wall and made to chose between his mother and father. Not an easy decision for such a young person to make.

You also say "he has always acted as if I owed him something", but can you really blame him? One day you're his father, next day you just up and leave.

How old is he now? What happened in the years between when he was 15 and now? Did you always keep in touch?

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Could it be that you ex wife has poisoned your son against you? He is full of anger.

That was my first thought. Seems like that's exactly what happened.

It's wrong to manipulate a son/daughter against his/her own parent, but we don't know the other half of the story and what circumstances led to the divorce.

[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

Great I just typed a whole reply and it got erased. Anyways. Would your son consider counseling for you two? It sounds like he's filled with resentment and a lot of anger. I had a issue with my half sister pushing me away and I tried everything only to come to the conclusion that you can only do so much. You've tried and made an effort it's time for him to come around. As far as the insurance goes, It would depend on how much i'd have to pay out of pocket. I once hit a parked car and the guy tried to seriously exaggerate the damage and I refused to answer calls from his company so my company never paid out.

He won't consider anything and as long as he is with his wife I do not expect any change. Cost is $685 +rental and $250 deductible.

[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Could it be that you ex wife has poisoned your son against you?
He is full of anger.
Was he a difficult kid?

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He has always had some anger issue, but it would be more his wife than his mother. Has been to anger management several times.

[divine1966]

My fiancée's both kids are rather difficult too. They call when they need money or medical advice. They ignore him otherwise or blame him for everything. I have no advice as I don't know how to proceed in your situation but I sympathize and send you hugs

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[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by BuildABridge

I totally understand why he's acting that way.

You say he was "given the choice" to come with you. I think it's hard for a 15 y.o. to be put agaisnt the wall and made to chose between his mother and father. Not an easy decision for such a young person to make.

You also say "he has always acted as if I owed him something", but can you really blame him? One day you're his father, next day you just up and leave.

How old is he now? What happened in the years between when he was 15 and now? Did you always keep in touch?


That was my first thought. Seems like that's exactly what happened.

It's wrong to manipulate a son/daughter against his/her own parent, but we don't know the other half of the story and what circumstances led to the divorce.

Called him as much as he would let me, flew them back and forth on school breaks and holidays. I moved but it wasn't all of the sudden he would only come see me about once every two months before I moved, wanted to spend all his time with his friends. Neither of us manipulated the kids against one or the other. He is however very much manipulated by his wife. I to this day refuse to discuss anything about their mother, it's their right to make their own opinions of their parents. I have tried everything I know of, I am at the point that I can't handle the stress anymore. I love my son and want to be part of his life, but at this point it's not good for my overall health.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by toysoldier727

He won't consider anything and as long as he is with his wife I do not expect any change. Cost is $685 +rental and $250 deductible.

Unless you have "accident forgiveness" chances are your rates will go up too. Many companies are like that now. My mom's rates went up just for TOWING! (So glad I never claimed the chip in my windshield...)

[Rose76]

I think your mistake was in saying that you would come by and leave presents at the bottom of steps. Those presents could have stayed right under your tree, or wherever, in your house, until such time as you all were going to get together for a cordial visit.

I think you and your son are both being provocative with each other. As the father, you need to role model a more low key manner. You are not "supposed" to "jump" to suit him. When he has an expectation like that, you can disappoint him. But just say no when you don't wish to accomodate him. No need for hostility. Just say, "Sorry, I have to say no because that just doesn't work for us (your wife and you.)

You going over to leave presents at bottom of steps was unnecessarily setting the stage for drama. It sounds like you both do it.

Calling your grandaughters every night before bedtime is excessive. Just don't comply with silly requests. Call now and then when you wish to call.

[hannabee]

so any which way I do the math I'm confused....you're 47 and your son is what? 25-29? Both of you became fathers at a very young age. From your other post, sounds likely you were doing drugs when he was young? You were partying instead of being a Dad. You are now going to pay for that, unless you get everyone into counselling. Drop the car thing, unless you like the drama and want it to continue.

You blame his wife, but where did SHE get the information that makes her dislike you? From your son!

Just my 2 cents, correct me if I'm wrong.

[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I think your mistake was in saying that you would come by and leave presents at the bottom of steps. Those presents could have stayed right under your tree, or wherever, in your house, until such time as you all were going to get together for a cordial visit.

I think you and your son are both being provocative with each other. As the father, you need to role model a more low key manner. You are not "supposed" to "jump" to suit him. When he has an expectation like that, you can disappoint him. But just say no when you don't wish to accomodate him. No need for hostility. Just say, "Sorry, I have to say no because that just doesn't work for us (your wife and you.)

You going over to leave presents at bottom of steps was unnecessarily setting the stage for drama. It sounds like you both do it.

Calling your grandaughters every night before bedtime is excessive. Just don't comply with silly requests. Call now and then when you wish to call.

I know we are both at fault for the argument, my question is do I press charges, do nothing or let my insurance company handle it.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by toysoldier727

I know we are both at fault for the argument, my question is do I press charges, do nothing or let my insurance company handle it.

As far as car damage, perhaps let insurance take care of insurance details? I got lost somewhere in the thread about the point on filing on your end? Was that advised? If so, maybe a lawyer to address the charges brought about by your son over that. Have they also filed a restraining order? It's mentioned that he has had anger management a couple of times? Maybe something beyond his upbringing, it's starting to sound like as I read through this thread.

I've not heard of demands for grandparents to call at bedtime, each and every night before, yet there's a first for everything. As a mom of three, I think the last thing I want every night as i navigate their bedtimes is the phone ringing. That's just me, though.

Keep us updated. Fingers crossed this all gets resolved.

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[Rose76]

Originally Posted by toysoldier727

I know we are both at fault for the argument, my question is do I press charges, do nothing or let my insurance company handle it.

No, you don't press charges . . . not if your goal is to someday have a relationship with your son. I would not have gone to file a report at the police station, if I had been you. Neither would I have tried to collect from my insurance company, had I been in your shoes.

Your son has feelings for you, which is why he got so emotional. If his heart was totally cold toward you, he just wouldn't bother with you at all. Deciding to just eat the thousand bucks worth of auto body damage is what you do in a situation like this. In the grand scheme of things, it's not serious money. He didn't get up that morning with a plan or intention to assault you or damage your car. It's you that drove over there in a gesture that I think was kind of passive-aggressive. "My wife and I were good enough to get these presents for the kids. We'll just humbly leave them at the foot of the stairs, so as not to trouble you, Son." That was kind of a way of needling him and acting like a martyr. And he blew up just like people do when they have been needled.

I'm not posting to put you down. You started this thread to get support. I believe you that you do love your son and grandchildren. But in the hostile back and forths, you are losing sight of your main goal. I don't think you even care that much about the money. But if you can get the police and the insurance company to see that you were the victim in the altercation, then that may be evidence - in your mind - that you did nothing wrong. That will help you feel vindicated. You kind of hope that will make your son take responsibility for not acting right.

Even if you could round up 50 eye-witnessess to say that your son was the aggressor, that won't fix anything between you and your son. You took the initiative in phoning him and in driving over to his house, when you had reason to suspect that he kind of wanted to be left alone. Try doing that. Leave the ball in his court. Be available, but hang back and be patient. Let him come around in his own good time.

Take your focus off the grandchildren. The person who should be most important to you is your son. When a marriage fails and a child is left to navigate in the context of a fractured family, then, yes, the parents do owe that child something extra - kind of like a debt that can never be fully paid. Kids shouldn't have to grow up in broken families. But adults screw up, and kids get penalized by that, and, yes, they get mad and stay mad. They can get over it, but, yes, you do have to work harder to form a bond than if you'ld never divorced his mother.

Stop fantasizing that his wife will leave him, and then you'll be able to relate to him better. Don't wish that on your grandchildren. Be glad he has a marriage that is working out. His wife doesn't trust you and that's okay becase she doesn't really know you.

Get together with him on his terms for now. If he wants that to be at his house, then fine. If he wants to stop by your house after 8 p.m., that doesn't have to be viewed as a huge inconvenience to you and your wife. 8 p.m. is not 3 a.m. Be willing to be the bigger person.

Maybe, now - for a while - he won't want much to do with you. Let the dust die down from this altercation. Not pressing charges will help that to happen. Bear in mind that you have no claim on those grandkids, independent of your relationship with him. He, the wife and kids are a package deal.

[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by hannabee

so any which way I do the math I'm confused....you're 47 and your son is what? 25-29? Both of you became fathers at a very young age. From your other post, sounds likely you were doing drugs when he was young? You were partying instead of being a Dad. You are now going to pay for that, unless you get everyone into counselling. Drop the car thing, unless you like the drama and want it to continue.

You blame his wife, but where did SHE get the information that makes her dislike you? From your son!

Just my 2 cents, correct me if I'm wrong.

Was not partying, was working 7 days a week plus 2 to 3 extra shifts, 80 to 90 hours a week. Was using meth to stay awake and function. I was 21 when he was born, my oldest is my step-son at 28, he is 26. Never missed a single sports event or school function. Spent too much time at work instead of with kids, but otherwise all my time was work and kids. I am in counselling twice a month. He feels all issues our my fault so he won't consider anything.

[divine1966]

If you press charges you won't have any relationship with your son.

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[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by Rose76

No, you don't press charges . . . not if your goal is to someday have a relationship with your son. I would not have gone to file a report at the police station, if I had been you. Neither would I have tried to collect from my insurance company, had I been in your shoes.

Your son has feelings for you, which is why he got so emotional. If his heart was totally cold toward you, he just wouldn't bother with you at all. Deciding to just eat the thousand bucks worth of auto body damage is what you do in a situation like this. In the grand scheme of things, it's not serious money. He didn't get up that morning with a plan or intention to assault you or damage your car. It's you that drove over there in a gesture that I think was kind of passive-aggressive. "My wife and I were good enough to get these presents for the kids. We'll just humbly leave them at the foot of the stairs, so as not to trouble you, Son." That was kind of a way of needling him and acting like a martyr. And he blew up just like people do when they have been needled.

I'm not posting to put you down. You started this thread to get support. I believe you that you do love your son and grandchildren. But in the hostile back and forths, you are losing sight of your main goal. I don't think you even care that much about the money. But if you can get the police and the insurance company to see that you were the victim in the altercation, then that may be evidence - in your mind - that you did nothing wrong. That will help you feel vindicated. You kind of hope that will make your son take responsibility for not acting right.

Even if you could round up 50 eye-witnessess to say that your son was the aggressor, that won't fix anything between you and your son. You took the initiative in phoning him and in driving over to his house, when you had reason to suspect that he kind of wanted to be left alone. Try doing that. Leave the ball in his court. Be available, but hang back and be patient. Let him come around in his own good time.

Take your focus off the grandchildren. The person who should be most important to you is your son. When a marriage fails and a child is left to navigate in the context of a fractured family, then, yes, the parents do owe that child something extra - kind of like a debt that can never be fully paid. Kids shouldn't have to grow up in broken families. But adults screw up, and kids get penalized by that, and, yes, they get mad and stay mad. They can get over it, but, yes, you do have to work harder to form a bond than if you'ld never divorced his mother.

Stop fantasizing that his wife will leave him, and then you'll be able to relate to him better. Don't wish that on your grandchildren. Be glad he has a marriage that is working out. His wife doesn't trust you and that's okay becase she doesn't really know you.

Get together with him on his terms for now. If he wants that to be at his house, then fine. If he wants to stop by your house after 8 p.m., that doesn't have to be viewed as a huge inconvenience to you and your wife. 8 p.m. is not 3 a.m. Be willing to be the bigger person.

Maybe, now - for a while - he won't want much to do with you. Let the dust die down from this altercation. Not pressing charges will help that to happen. Bear in mind that you have no claim on those grandkids, independent of your relationship with him. He, the wife and kids are a package deal.

I have never indicated that I was totally in the right in my actions, nor am I trying to feel better by getting people to tell me I did nothing wrong. I did not abandon my children, never missed a support payment, always available to talk with, he was 15 when I left not 5. He shouldn't be held accountable for his actions? I appreciate the input, I really don't want to press charges, but he should pay for his actions, not about the money but on principal. My whole point with him has been that until I establish a good relationship, I can't with his wife or children, but its also not like I was no existent, I called on Birthdays and Holidays, came to visit as often as possible.
My biggest issue was them complaining I have never been part of their lives, though I was, because I deployed and then had to move to California for work.

[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

As far as car damage, perhaps let insurance take care of insurance details? I got lost somewhere in the thread about the point on filing on your end? Was that advised? If so, maybe a lawyer to address the charges brought about by your son over that. Have they also filed a restraining order? It's mentioned that he has had anger management a couple of times? Maybe something beyond his upbringing, it's starting to sound like as I read through this thread.

I've not heard of demands for grandparents to call at bedtime, each and every night before, yet there's a first for everything. As a mom of three, I think the last thing I want every night as i navigate their bedtimes is the phone ringing. That's just me, though.

Keep us updated. Fingers crossed this all gets resolved.

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My insurance company requires a police report in order to file a claim, other than acts of nature. I am going to give the information to my insurance company and let them hash it out. My only concern with the charges, is he lied on the report to indicate everything was my fault, though he did admit throwing the gift bag at my car. From my prospective it is just to put to rest his allegations, otherwise I feel as if it would be hanging over my head, with PTSD and anxiety it is very difficult to have unresolved issue, if I have them I can't focus on anything else. I honestly just want him to pay for the damages and I will just be done with him, I can't take the drama.

[hannabee]

Originally Posted by toysoldier727

Was not partying, was working 7 days a week plus 2 to 3 extra shifts, 80 to 90 hours a week. Was using meth to stay awake and function. I was 21 when he was born, my oldest is my step-son at 28, he is 26. Never missed a single sports event or school function. Spent too much time at work instead of with kids, but otherwise all my time was work and kids. I am in counselling twice a month. He feels all issues our my fault so he won't consider anything.

okay sorry, but my H worked that much and he never used meth to cope. You said no drugs since 2004 and no alcohol since 2011, in your introductory post. That says you did that prior and during the time you were raising this son. no?? I doubt you were really "present" while raising him and he most certainly was affected.
Were I you, I would apologize and try to work things out. FORGET the car. It is hardly important and not as important as your relationship with him.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by toysoldier727

My insurance company requires a police report in order to file a claim, other than acts of nature. I am going to give the information to my insurance company and let them hash it out. My only concern with the charges, is he lied on the report to indicate everything was my fault, though he did admit throwing the gift bag at my car. From my prospective it is just to put to rest his allegations, otherwise I feel as if it would be hanging over my head, with PTSD and anxiety it is very difficult to have unresolved issue, if I have them I can't focus on anything else. I honestly just want him to pay for the damages and I will just be done with him, I can't take the drama.

My insurance doesn't always require a police report for claims, so perhaps they'd work with you? How badly damaged is the vehicle?

Not too many people like drama. Do you need to appear in court now, because of your son's police report?

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[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

My insurance doesn't always require a police report for claims, so perhaps they'd work with you? How badly damaged is the vehicle?

Not too many people like drama. Do you need to appear in court now, because of your son's police report?

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It's actually the same report, but for either of us to initiate it you have to go to a Magistrate Judge and have a hearing, then if there is sufficient evidence the District Attorney takes over with actual charges. When an incident report is written it must have the criminal charges that may have incurred. So at this point I do not have to appear.

[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by hannabee

okay sorry, but my H worked that much and he never used meth to cope. You said no drugs since 2004 and no alcohol since 2011, in your introductory post. That says you did that prior and during the time you were raising this son. no?? I doubt you were really "present" while raising him and he most certainly was affected.
Were I you, I would apologize and try to work things out. FORGET the car. It is hardly important and not as important as your relationship with him.

Thank you for your reply. Maybe you should not be condescending if you intend on trying to "help" someone. Like I said previously, nothing was ever in my house or around my children. You obviously do not no anything about Meth or the effects of Meth, how it reacts different depending on how it enters the body. Why would I apologize for him damaging my vehicle. You do not know me or my son, your insinuations that I wasn't "present" or it "affected" him is a big assumption on your part. Perhaps you should stick to topics that you actually know and may have some productive insight on. We are all here to help and to be helped not to judge someone's past that you do not understand.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by toysoldier727

From my prospective it is just to put to rest his allegations, otherwise I feel as if it would be hanging over my head, with PTSD and anxiety it is very difficult to have unresolved issue, if I have them I can't focus on anything else. I honestly just want him to pay for the damages and I will just be done with him, I can't take the drama.

It sounds like you've decided on a course of action. Maybe he will be just as happy to be done with you. It might be best for both of you to move on and close the door on a relationship that seems to just cause pain for the both of you.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by toysoldier727

It's actually the same report, but for either of us to initiate it you have to go to a Magistrate Judge and have a hearing, then if there is sufficient evidence the District Attorney takes over with actual charges. When an incident report is written it must have the criminal charges that may have incurred. So at this point I do not have to appear.

Will your auto insurance company accept your son's report in order to fund repairs? Are the repair costs over and above any deductible that you might have?

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[toysoldier727]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Will your auto insurance company accept your son's report in order to fund repairs? Are the repair costs over and above any deductible that you might have?

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In the report he admitted throwing it at my car. Damage is about 3 to 4x the deductible