The other night. No judgement please.

I hesitated at all writing this but was meditating and felt the need to process this somewhere,anywhere since I can't tell anyone. I might make two posts since I have two questions really. I am asking for no judgement because it's not going to change my decision. I just,need more input on what certain things mean. This post may seem all over the place.

The guy I like. We hung out. When he first came in my place,he was really sexy. I was glad. It meant I was attracted to him. We talked during a movie we watched and he brought up us being official in a relationship,and us going on a date to the movies,and we talked work things and he was polite and seemed very relationship-y and nice,like he was someone I could be with. After the first movie,I could tell he wanted to kiss me,and so I let him. But,then he started moving really,really fast.

I had joked before that,that he was like a little puppy and he was exhausting me trying to laugh off his behavior. I told him too around the point where I went to the side that it was time for him to leave because I have things to do and that's when he calmed down and got ready to shower. He did say something before that point though when i mentioned him leaving soon about me helping him with the shower and getting set up in the shower and i didn't hear what he said and i could've sworn he told me to not to play stupid and i said i'm not,and he said he meant him,that he is playing stupid.

The thing is,he has a really polite side. Like,really polite. He washed a dish for me and I mean,just other little things,he has a really polite side to him. He did seem very comfortable in my apartment though when he first got inside. He didn't seem nervous at all.

Before we hung out,a few nights before,he had said we won't have sex of course not,etc,etc but said "agressive cuddling haha". I googled agressive cuddling after we hung out and now I wonder how staged was all this really...

Now,few things that sound bad but I think rationalize this behavior. He is very obsessed with me. I'm not saying this to be conceited. He just is.I said a few things in very low moments before we hung out that night. He didn't even reply to that right away,too. After that,I told him we shouldn't hang out at my place now because of that text i sent about that and he did get mad at first but then later we seemed to work it out. I also in another low moment had once told him I wished a certain guy had just strangled me,it would've been less painful then how he had left me. I know this all sounds very dark,but i was in a low place,and i had told him lots of things. I even told him i have agoraphobia and some things about drama with my ex and so on and he had told me before how much he wants to take care of me and be in a relationship with me and nothing will change his mind about that. He also had said he loves me and is obsessed with me.

so,my point is. Did he do these things thinking it's what I wanted? And,maybe being inexperienced didn't know any better? I can't tell how experienced he is. He says things that act like he has had sex with lots of girls,but then he gives signs of being less experienced. He also wanted to stay at my house all day that night after but I told him i had things to do. He had stayed longer then i wanted him to already. After he showered he kissed me forcefully banging me against the wall and then took off. he had said he wasnt planning to do much besides sit around and I told him i just had errands to do. I thought he seemed distant at first after he left but then he texted me asking if i wanted to come by. I felt overwhelmed and wanted to process things so i just didn't reply. I didn't know what to say at the time. I had a bad dream the next morning and texted him. He didn't seem to care and just asked where did i go and then saying he was just wanting me to catch up to his text and saying it's a simple question basically insisting i tell him why i didn't respond. I said i didn't know why and that i was nervous about him. He did ask about my dream then and said it was weird but didn't ask much about it. I then just said hey this morning,and he just replied back "morning" and thus far that's where we are. In the past,he has seemed to always be rushing involvement and that's why we had issues before. Last time we had a date was in spring before we stopped speaking. After that date,I wasn't sure how I felt and he kept rushing to see me. It was way too soon and he accused me of just wanting attention and when i didn't meet his deadline basically of wanting to meet,he disappeared on me for a few weeks. I felt awful. He obviously did that to punish me. He then came back and tried to get us to go out again,but i still wasn't really interested. I thought we would go out just to see,but he made a sexual implication and it turned me off so i told i liked someone else. I was very rude about it and he still tried to get me to come out acting like because i said that,i now owe him(like sexually) which i found really creepy,so i started being really nice to him telling him i'm sorry and he then said "**** you." And,it felt like i was hit. We stopped talking for months after this. I felt like he showed his true colors after that. In fall,he contacted me and I was annoyed but minimal and just lied and said i was in a relationship. He decided to just try and get us to work together(basically just book me for a job)so i said fine but my life got so stressful and he didn't even fight it when i told him i couldn't give him a date. By winter,i had posted things on social media about being so heartbroken. And,he came back out of the woodwork again. This time,slowly. I was in such a low place that I'd tell him some truth of things like how i was sick and how i was being mistreated by an ex,very personal things. He didn't say much at first,but then after a few times of me not seeming any better,he started talking to me more and being there to listen. He was the only one who was. Yeah,he'd be peverted but he was also very romantic,too. He'd say things like how he just wants to get me some soup when iwas sick and how he'd teach me to take the train and get around the city when i told him i don't even know how well to do that because of my anxiety issues. Nothing dissuaded him from being into me,even when I told him about something bad I did to my ex. He just said that was badass. When I'd tell him about my ptsd about being alone,he'd say don't i think i need a boyfriend and that he could calm my life down and to consider him. Everyday,he'd say cute things texting a lot to see if we could hang out but I wasn't ready. I was sick and needed to recover,and he knew this. He did get angry sometimes because he said he's been waiting months for me and that gets boring.

Anyways,what am i dealing with here? Did he just do those things from inexperience maybe,and thinking i'd want that? So far,I think he is possibly somewhat inexperienced,he's always rushed for involvement,and now i know he is sexually forceful. He's even asked if i'd want him to give up his job we met through once we were a couple. Well,it's only a hobby for him but still. I don't know if he was joking about that or not but he said it i think twice before. He does sometimes get little anger flareups. But,he's also one of those types who seems very polite.

It's hard for me to believe he's a "bad guy." The first time I met he seemed so nice and polite and positive-minded. I thought it was amazing,i even was really late. He just seemed like a stand-up guy. I started to get a feeling he might have a crush on me...because,you know as a woman,sometimes you just know. Then,out of nowwhere he did ask me out. And,he's always seemed very into me. Like,there's nothing I could do to ever change his mind. He does seem a little more bad boy since we first met,but maybe he just thinks it's what I want. I can't help but feel like he lied about how experienced he really is. What is with this guy,though? What should I really think about all this? I still like him..but there's a reason I texted him I was nervous. I mean,it was my usual relationship fears,too but also i just needed to process things and have space. I like how we can talk work things,and the long obsessed with me looks he gives me telling me how beautiful i am and the little romantic moments we have. The word inexperienced just keeps screaming out at me like this is what's causing this. He is slightly younger then me and from what i know guys seem to be getting less experienced nowadays.

It kind of is weird to me,that by me letting him kiss me,it seemed to get him to then go crazy thinking it'd then go all the way. He was very calm until i let him kiss me.

Now,that i re-read this,it doesn't seem like a big deal.I think i overreacted. But,i still can't figure out if he's just inexperienced or not.

The red flags of a rapist are waving in your face but you want to ignore them because he was polite and washed your dishes.

I think you need to wake up to the fact that NOBODY who is a bad person is bad 24/7.

Please get into therapy and work on your self esteem.

I think you are seeing very clearly who this guy is. He has a polite side and a violating, brutal side. How much are you willing to accept the danger and violation in order to have the politeness?

This has nothing to do with inexperience. It is easy to understand when a woman says no. The question is: does the guy respect that, and stop, or does he disregard that and use force/violence?

Not gonna mince words here, this dude doesn't care what you want. His "polite side" is an act. It sounds like you haven't even been on an actual date yet, from what you said? I would try to ghost him and see if that works but honestly this sounds like he might get violent if you try to break it off. This is scary stuff. Don't rationalize it. What he did was sexual violence and assault. If you get in a relationship with him you won't be able to say no, not just to sex but probably to anything. He will "change" because his "polite side" is an act. He has issues he needs to deal with and if it was me or any of my friends I would say stay far far far away from him. Block his number. Call the police if he shows up at your house unannounced. Don't be alone with him ever, definitely don't drink alcohol with him. If this is how he acts NOW, it will only get worse.

Nothing about this post is not a big deal. It's a big deal.

I don't know how you're getting "inexperienced" out of that. Inexperienced people are more tentative, they may seem fumbly or unsure of themselves or afraid to make a move. They don't force themselves on people. He might be inexperienced with CONSENSUAL sexual acts but this is not how an inexperienced person acts. This is how a person who wants to use you to get his own rocks off and doesn't give an actual d*** about you acts.

He is dangerous. No judgement here, just concern for your safety. Block his number. Stop communication. Never allow him to be alone with you. Never. If he doesn't leave you alone and shows up at your house call the police. Call every time he shows up.

There is nothing polite or inexperienced about this man. The guy sounds horrible. He is rude mean and violent. How is this inexperienced?

He is very experienced in spotting easy targets like you. Scary. Violent. Yes it is a big deal. Nope he doesn't care about you. You are his target.

Please be safe

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Why were you in bed?

I agree that a place does not constitute "permission". But the time to kick to the curb is exactly one second past when someone crosses the line.

Don't get in bed with a man you don't want to have sex with. You are setting yourself up to be raped.

I'm not making a judgement about you. I'm just telling you what is likely to happen.

This guy has problems, and you are subjecting him to enormous frustration. What you're doing is not like having a puppy looking for attention. This is a case of teasing a full-grown dog. You're likely to get bit.

If you want something safe to snuggle up with, then get one of those big stuffed animals.

I think we need to be careful about victim-blaming language. Making a bad choice happens. We need to use common sense but one does not "set themselves up" to be raped. Rape happens everywhere, not just in beds. No one is asking to be sexually assaulted, and rapists always have the ability to stop they choose not to.

Yes, we need to use common sense.

Putting this together with your other post asking for recipes - i may be adding two plus two and getting five, but here goes anyway. When i was in college, the student population was quite diverse. I am getting the impression here that your expectations in this relationship are fairly serious - you are seeing that he is polite, and he says he is interested in supporting you when you feel low and in having a real relationship.

But this doesnt really jibe with how he acts. He acts kind of controlling and jealous - he wasnt going to answer your text about feeling low, until you answered his text about where you were, why you had not responded to his text. He was worried you were with someone else, because he thinks youre a tease who sleeps with anybody.

He doesnt seem that experienced because he isnt that experienced. He doesnt have a regular girlfriend in this country because he is probably engaged to someone back home (that was my experience). But if you, as a loose American woman (that is how many foreign - heck, even american men see us), are willing to sleep with him, why should he turn down that opportunity?

I wouldnt call him a rapist. I dont think he is that experienced. I do think you should take yourself more seriously. You need some girlfriends, or a therapist, or a godmother or stg! take care - we are here for you

I don't think you should write this off as him being inexperienced. He may have a lot of experience and still just be bad at it, you know? Just because someone has good manners in one context doesn't mean that they are a good romantic fit.

I don't think you over-reacted. What he did with the kissing and then going in straight for the kill would be a huge turn off for a lot of people.

Do you think that you like him because he likes you?

Yes,but I said things before that might've given him the wrong idea thinking I want that and I know he gets insecure wanting me to like him. He has had an insecurity I don't like him because for awhile I didn't think I did and liked someone else. I feel like he pays a lot of attention to me trying to figure out my likes and dislikes and how I am,paying attention to online things I've written like a personal blog where i talk about random things,and things like that. If I never said those certain things,would he have still been that way?

I did say no once or twice in a low voice. But,even still,if i had said things in a very low point I wonder if this is why he was like that? Maybe he thought I'd like him more if he treated me that way.

It sounds to me like you are both inexperienced. I think he did those aggressive strangle moves with you because you told him you 'just want to be raped' and some other teasing things. Someone else pointed out that you shouldn't have been in bed with him. I did the same things and got called a tease plenty. He might be trying to have sex with you as a conquest. Do you really like him anyway?

No,we have been on two dates,though the last one was more of a casual hang out session since I had him over at my place. But,it was my iniation. We were going to go out,but because of certain reasons on my end,I decided to just change it to him coming over. Our first date was last spring though,and i wasn't sure i liked him and we kept fighting in text and then stopped speaking,then would start,and then in december,he reappeared and was really there for me during hard times. I don't think he'd show up at my house unannounced. We know the same people. He seems close with his family. I can't picture him being a bad guy. Maybe imperfect,but not like a criminal. I'm not really sure how many friends he has is probably the only thing. He doesn't seem to have many friends. He has some,though i know. He may just have a smaller,tight knit group. And,me well I have like no friends so i'm a red flag,too then in that case.

So,then is he going around raping every woman he is alone with? Or has he never been alone with a woman so doesn't know what to do and is doing maybe what he thinks is right? Maybe he's watched porn and it teaches them to do this. If he is raping women,i mean we work in the same field,the word would get around.It just doesn't make sense. It seems too risky to rape women with what he does.

I can admit i've seemed like an easy target lately. But,before this I came off very confident and aloof. I just am having trouble picturing him being a bad guy. He is very polite and stand-up guy,cultured,we know some of the same people. The first time we ever met for a job,he actually even seemed afraid for me to show skin,like he was too shy to even look at me and preferred me covered. See,so maybe this is a sign of inexperience or like he has some issues with women? He seems to have come from a conservative background,close with family,and shy and classy about women showing skin when we first met.

[QUOTE=annabellacat;4870994]

Anyways,what am i dealing with here? Did he just do those things from inexperience maybe,and thinking i'd want that? So far,I think he is possibly somewhat inexperienced
,he's always rushed for involvement,

He's even asked if i'd want him to give up his job we met through once we were a couple.

He does sometimes get little anger flareups. But,he's also one of those types who seems very polite.

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(I think I clipped and lost some text, so, if it doesn't quote in a box, that's why)

That sounds far from inexperienced to me.
He's pushing for a relationship.
Willing to give up his job to keep you as his girlfriend.
Already displayed anger.

It'll wear you down, to stay involved.

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Because,i didn't mind being in bed. I wasn't going to make him leave in the middle of the night. I thought we'd just cuddle and make out. Most guys if i said we aren't having sex and we are just hanging out and it's late,would just cuddle and make out with me. Sure,they might make slight attempts for more,that's normal but not keep pushing for it and being forceful. Past relationships I had where if we didn't have sex yet,they were fine with keeping things with just kissing and cuddling even if we were in a bed.

I don't like how that sounds. In the past,if i haven't had sex yet with a guy,then they'd be ok with keeping things where they were. It was late,there wasn't a lot of places to lay down or sit. I didn't want to stay on a small couch all night us just sitting. I should be able to lay in a bed with a guy and to just have us kiss and cuddle. I don't like that nowadays it seems if you invite someone over,or are in a bed,etc,etc it has to mean you are required to have sex.

It was more of a lounge bed if that makes a difference. Like,just a mattress on the ground so it's more casual set up.Like,where people can hang out and watch movies,even.

You could look at traits of abusers and decide for yourself if he fits:

https://www.google.com/search?q=trai...utf-8&oe=utf-8