[jaymoq]

I have come to terms with the fact I have a real fear of commitment. A fear of commitment and regret. Every time I find myself in a relationship, I get paranoid I have made a wrong turn. I don't know if its the unrealistic relationship goals society continues to impress upon us or if its just me nervous to accept this is what my life will look like -- forever.

I was married before and even though we had good chemistry, our life goals continued to separate. We were both young and I was ambitious while he was comfortable. We were engaged for over 2 years and married for 2 years before we finally agreed our idea of a real future was very different. I learned a lot from that marriage and that chemistry only gets you so far. "Love" is not all you need if you are on different pages.

Fast forward to today and I am in a serious relationship. We are engaged. And I find myself feeling trapped and worried. He and I are both of the same mindset. We share values. We have the same goals. We support one another. But, the chemistry is not as brilliant. I have matured and he is older (he nearly a decade my senior). Part of me knows my fear is having been sold this fantasy about what "love" is supposed to look like.

Is it my fear talking? This man supports me, he is caring, he is passionate about our future and willing to work on my goals as I am his, but do I feel like he is deeply in love with me? I don't know. I guess I am more of a hopeless romantic where he is a realist. I am emotional, where he is logical. In terms of a partnership, we are great. But, sometimes I feel like I'm missing something. It is probably those voices telling me "You can do better. You should find your soul mate. It will be destiny." But a part of me wonders if that mentality is a setup for failure. Relationships aren't easy. They won't ever be perfect. But how do you know if this is the right decision? Or, do you ever know? Is it the test of time that will be the ultimate guide?

I feel like my fear is based on some misguided notion that I need to find a relationship where I feel that he is my soul mate. Is a relationship that is practical enough? I am afraid I will get married again and have regrets. And I think this has less to do with him and more to do with me.

I am really bad at decision making. An attribute of my anxiety. I am horrible at making decisions because I constantly worry about if/then scenarios. I need some unbiased opinions. What if I get married and that prevents me from meeting 'the one'? I know how SHALLOW and awful that sounds. It really is the wrong way to look at things. I fear that if I use the gauge of 'destiny' for my future, I will wander alone for my entire life in hopes of finding my one true love. I know that sounds silly, but years of being told to find a prince charming has really sabotaged the way I consider my relationships.

[divine1966]

As a saying goes " when in
doubt, don't do it", do not get married if you are in doubt. If you don't think he is the one then don't marry him. I thought I had fear of commitment but really I was just with wrong men. I have no fear now. I agree that love and chemistry is not enough to sustain a relationship but if you have gut feelings something is missing here, you are probably right. Trust your guts

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[CopperStar]

I think this sort of thing is completely personal with no right or wrong answer.

Some people feel that it's worth it to stay with someone who is less than ideal, but still good, and some people cannot stand settling for less than what they truly want, even if there is a chance they will never find that ideal partner.

It's one of those things where you have to do some serious introspection and figure out what sort of personal philosophy you have.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by jaymoq

I have come to terms with the fact I have a real fear of commitment. A fear of commitment and regret. Every time I find myself in a relationship, I get paranoid I have made a wrong turn. I don't know if its the unrealistic relationship goals society continues to impress upon us or if its just me nervous to accept this is what my life will look like -- forever.

I was married before and even though we had good chemistry, our life goals continued to separate. We were both young and I was ambitious while he was comfortable. We were engaged for over 2 years and married for 2 years before we finally agreed our idea of a real future was very different. I learned a lot from that marriage and that chemistry only gets you so far. "Love" is not all you need if you are on different pages.

Fast forward to today and I am in a serious relationship. We are engaged. And I find myself feeling trapped and worried. He and I are both of the same mindset. We share values. We have the same goals. We support one another. But, the chemistry is not as brilliant. I have matured and he is older (he nearly a decade my senior). Part of me knows my fear is having been sold this fantasy about what "love" is supposed to look like.

Is it my fear talking? This man supports me, he is caring, he is passionate about our future and willing to work on my goals as I am his, but do I feel like he is deeply in love with me? I don't know. I guess I am more of a hopeless romantic where he is a realist. I am emotional, where he is logical. In terms of a partnership, we are great. But, sometimes I feel like I'm missing something. It is probably those voices telling me "You can do better. You should find your soul mate. It will be destiny." But a part of me wonders if that mentality is a setup for failure. Relationships aren't easy. They won't ever be perfect. But how do you know if this is the right decision? Or, do you ever know? Is it the test of time that will be the ultimate guide?

I feel like my fear is based on some misguided notion that I need to find a relationship where I feel that he is my soul mate. Is a relationship that is practical enough? I am afraid I will get married again and have regrets. And I think this has less to do with him and more to do with me.

I am really bad at decision making. An attribute of my anxiety. I am horrible at making decisions because I constantly worry about if/then scenarios. I need some unbiased opinions. What if I get married and that prevents me from meeting 'the one'? I know how SHALLOW and awful that sounds. It really is the wrong way to look at things. I fear that if I use the gauge of 'destiny' for my future, I will wander alone for my entire life in hopes of finding my one true love. I know that sounds silly, but years of being told to find a prince charming has really sabotaged the way I consider my relationships.

Is it your fear talking? Only you can decide. Pro con list perhaps? Is it possible that what you're telling yourself is "I want him to be my soulmate and it doesn't feel like he is" but it's masking actual problems or difficulties you don't want to admit? Writing down what you actually like about him and the relationship and what you don't might help to clarify things.

I believe in the definition of soulmate that Richard from Texas gave Liz Gilbert in "Eat Pray Love:" "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

I have had two soulmates, that fit that particular description. People where the highs were too high and the lows were way too low. "Passion" that was really just intensity, but I thought that they were one in the same. All that being said, I've been composing a blog post in my head and one of the points in it is that when people said "You just know" when you meet the right one, my question to that was always "How do you know that you know?" I always had tiny doubts in all my relationships, even my marriage or when I was engaged to people. With my current boyfriend I have zero doubts. He wasn't what I was looking for on paper, not by a long shot, but we have a passionate, supportive relationship full of positive communication and happiness. It's not easy, or perfect, but it is not something I doubt. I think in your heart you probably know if this guy is right or not. If you truly believe it's fear of commitment then maybe see a T and try to work on it - but I don't think a relationship can or will last if you're already questioning it. If sometimes it feels like something is missing, that likely means that something is missing.

[Quanticia]

Some questions that may help...
Are you ready to risk spending the rest of your life alone in order to keep seeking true love?
Are you generally happy in your relationship, or are you pushing yourself to feel that way? Apart from chemistry, what is you don't like? What else is missing?
Keep in mind that passion fades by the years, and also a soulmate isn't necessarily your male clone.

I thought both of my exes were true loves...the one was deep passion-but we had different life goals and ideals. The other was exactly the reverse. And there was that one guy I felt he was my true soulmate, but I pushed him away because I'd have to double-time at that point. After all that I realized I can't be truly happy with someone who is half of what I need. But lonely life is very hard, and I know I may never find anyone, ever...so it's a personal decision.

[jaymoq]

Thank you everyone. I know that inherently, by asking these questions, I only casting more doubt on this relationship. But another part of me wonders what it is I really want. To clarify, fiancé and I are seeing a couples counselor right now. And, she keeps bringing up that I am a perfectionist and set the bar so high no one could ever meet my expectations. Which has me questioning myself.

My fiancé is most of the things I want: confident, motivated, great job, responsible, sweet and caring. However, he is not spontaneous and he does not sweep me off my feet. All things society shows me through movies and books are important. I should feel that rush. And, so that is what I looked for. Don't go with logic, go with my gut. But, having gone with my gut the last two serious relationships, I've only ended up disappointed.

Is love about a feeling or is it about reality? We all deserve prince charming -- that's what we're told. But let's be real, there aren't that many princes out there. My dream guy is some rugged cowboy that has an extensive business enterprise that is also hopeless romantic and finds my quirks "cute". Bahaha. But let's be real, isn't that just my dream? Does that guy really exist? I don't know. I feel like the only thing holding me back right now is the fear I am shutting the door on endless possibilities if I were single. I am being selfish and wanting more. But, I have a lot. It is not easy, but is this someone I could trust with my life? Yes. Is it someone I could depend on? Yes. Is it someone that would be a good father? Yes. The romance is not there. He is more of an introvert and rarely will open up to show me his emotional side. But, maybe part of my trouble is my own emotions are bizarre. My anxiety and depression make me prone to emotional responses. I've dated men with similar diagnoses and they ended very poorly.

Sigh. I wish it were easy. I wish I could be confident in my choice. Even during my divorce, I questioned myself for days and made myself sick thinking I'd made a horrible mistake. But, I am so much happier now and my future is a lot brighter since I made that change. Maybe I need to just accept that whatever is going to happen will happen. I can't navigate every caveat of my life. Maybe that's what my counselor means. I am so afraid to drop my guard and not be 100% in control of my future, I second guess any sign of losing my independence out of fear it will prevent me from a greater path. But heck, I don't want to end up an old woman having so meticulously guided my life I am alone and still waiting for my prince.

Relationships are seriously confusing. But, the hermit lifestyle is not for me! Been there, done that. I miss some aspects of that freedom, but having someone to depend on when I am sick or tired is nice. Instead of looking at all the reasons to go, I need to focus on all the reasons to stay. I know that nothing is permanent. Do I want to be another divorce statistic? Heck no! But, I also don't want to miss out on a good thing simply because I was afraid it wasn't good enough.

But, no doubt in an hour I'll have talked myself out of this again. This inner dialogue can get exhausting.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by jaymoq

Thank you everyone. I know that inherently, by asking these questions, I only casting more doubt on this relationship. But another part of me wonders what it is I really want. To clarify, fiancé and I are seeing a couples counselor right now. And, she keeps bringing up that I am a perfectionist and set the bar so high no one could ever meet my expectations. Which has me questioning myself.

My fiancé is most of the things I want: confident, motivated, great job, responsible, sweet and caring. However, he is not spontaneous and he does not sweep me off my feet. All things society shows me through movies and books are important. I should feel that rush. And, so that is what I looked for. Don't go with logic, go with my gut. But, having gone with my gut the last two serious relationships, I've only ended up disappointed.

Is love about a feeling or is it about reality? We all deserve prince charming -- that's what we're told. But let's be real, there aren't that many princes out there. My dream guy is some rugged cowboy that has an extensive business enterprise that is also hopeless romantic and finds my quirks "cute". Bahaha. But let's be real, isn't that just my dream? Does that guy really exist? I don't know. I feel like the only thing holding me back right now is the fear I am shutting the door on endless possibilities if I were single. I am being selfish and wanting more. But, I have a lot. It is not easy, but is this someone I could trust with my life? Yes. Is it someone I could depend on? Yes. Is it someone that would be a good father? Yes. The romance is not there. He is more of an introvert and rarely will open up to show me his emotional side. But, maybe part of my trouble is my own emotions are bizarre. My anxiety and depression make me prone to emotional responses. I've dated men with similar diagnoses and they ended very poorly.

Sigh. I wish it were easy. I wish I could be confident in my choice. Even during my divorce, I questioned myself for days and made myself sick thinking I'd made a horrible mistake. But, I am so much happier now and my future is a lot brighter since I made that change. Maybe I need to just accept that whatever is going to happen will happen. I can't navigate every caveat of my life. Maybe that's what my counselor means. I am so afraid to drop my guard and not be 100% in control of my future, I second guess any sign of losing my independence out of fear it will prevent me from a greater path. But heck, I don't want to end up an old woman having so meticulously guided my life I am alone and still waiting for my prince.

Relationships are seriously confusing. But, the hermit lifestyle is not for me! Been there, done that. I miss some aspects of that freedom, but having someone to depend on when I am sick or tired is nice. Instead of looking at all the reasons to go, I need to focus on all the reasons to stay. I know that nothing is permanent. Do I want to be another divorce statistic? Heck no! But, I also don't want to miss out on a good thing simply because I was afraid it wasn't good enough.

But, no doubt in an hour I'll have talked myself out of this again. This inner dialogue can get exhausting.

Do you have any reason to believe that the T is wrong about you expecting too much?

My dream guy is some rugged cowboy that has an extensive business enterprise that is also hopeless romantic and finds my quirks "cute". Bahaha. But let's be real, isn't that just my dream? Does that guy really exist?

Probably not. You can probably find one or the other, you can probably find a rugged cowboy with a business enterprise, and you can probably find a hopeless romantic that finds your quirks cute but probably not all in one person. My "perfect" guy was not my "dream" guy. It was more like I had a checklist of things I wanted + a feeling. Well, more like a checklist of what I didn't want: no addicts; no people who were in low paying non-career jobs with no future goals or plans for more; no one conservative; etc etc etc. I actually didn't plan to end up with a guy and I had never dated someone with kids before, I was actually adamantly against dating someone with kids. It was a 100% deal breaker for me. I ended up giving him a chance, and I'm glad I did because I do have someone who thinks my quirks are charming and is head over heels in love with me. I've had to teach him some of the romance stuff though, our first holiday together just a few months after we had been dating I gave him a thoughtful, moderately expensive gift and he gave me a $12 book. So sometimes I have to flat out say stuff like "I need you to bring me flowers sometimes." or "No books for Christmas this year." Now it was up to him to step up and try to deliver and he did a really great job.

Maybe your guy can learn to sweep you off your feet too. He's going to counseling so he's committed to trying at least!

[Hairball]

This isn't something u have to do now is it?

In my personal opinion if u have to question it, that means you are not ready. I do think when u are ready you will know it.

[ChipperMonkey]

I agree, if you're having doubts, either this guy is not the guy for you or you're not ready.

In reading this post, it's very clear that this guy is a good guy on paper. However, without chemistry, I fear you'll soon fall into the living like roommates thing. No, you don't need Prince Charming, but I honestly think your relationship is lacking. I guess I just don't understand why you'd settle (yes, SETTLE!) for a guy that doesn't make you feel passionate inside?

I know exactly how you feel. And I feel - if not exactly the same, then very close to it.

I'll say: Yes - it's you and not him. You are doubting this because you've been told your whole life what love is about - and because you're afraid of missing out. Believe me, I know exactly what you're talking about - yesterday I made a post, not about the exact same thing, but very close to it. If you want to see that other people kan feel much of the same, read my post. You're not alone. And to be honost, I am starting to blame the time that we are living in.

Now, I'm not sure of you're age, but I'm in my twenties. And all my life I've learned, that we have so many opportunities, and that if we stand still for too long, we're missing out on something. This is what we learn all the time. So how do people expect us to be able to just be sattisfied with what we have? We know we should be - but for some reason we just can't. I can't. But I sure won't give up a great relationship because of that feeling. I've asked friends - and they are all like "oh I know that feeling", but then I asked my mum, and she was never in doubt, she never even thought about the possibility of missing out when she was with my father - and their relationship was really bad. So truly, I think we are a product of our time, and it shapes us. It makes us scared of missing out on anything. But we shouldn't let that stop us. So, if you in your heart feels, that you want to marry this man, then do it. Don't wonder so much about the future. Just do what feels like the right thing to do right now, and don't let your anxiety rule you.

[jaymoq]

Thanks for all of the input. I find myself constantly at war with myself on this. In a perfect world, I would have a crystal ball and could have a clear answer. But, we all know life isn't that easy!

Sometimes I feel like everything is fine but then something will happen in our relationship and I tell myself "You deserve better!" But how great do I think I am?

I know that part of this is my insecurities and my anxiety, but the other part is my generations need for perfection. We are told to be the best we can be and that there is no limit and if we're not happy, to keep looking. But, what kind of life is that? It's like I can't ever be satisfied. Every time something GREAT comes along, I think to myself "But what if there is something better?"

I know this relationship is not ideal. I had actually packed everything up and my mom flew out to help me move not but three months ago. But, the day she flew out he got news he had serious complications with his brain and spine and I felt guilty. So I didn't leave. How could I? Abandon him when he gets this diagnosis that could either paralyze or kill him? Since then, he's seen numerous doctors and is about to go in for surgery to hopefully alleviate the pressure on his brain and spine, but--- geesh. It is a lot to handle.

Am I scared because of that? The prospect of being 'stuck' in a relationship with someone that very well could become disabled for the rest of their life? I can't imagine what that would look like. Especially because my CAREER is based on helping those with disabilities. I can't just walk away. Or can I?

I am so confused. Today was a bad morning. Despite me asking him to stop unloading his work on me, he sends me a photo of a horrendous car wreck he was working last night. It just--- messes me up. We've talked about this in our sessions. He can't decompress on me, even if I do work in the counseling field.

Sigh. Sorry, its been a really bad morning. I was off for the holidays and coming back is always tough. Therefore I become his emotional monster. This morning I completely emasculated him with some mean mean words. I didn't mean to say them, but I was feeling so hurt and angry and irritated, it just all came out. Me telling him the wedding won't happen. Me telling him we are better off apart. Its like something takes over me and I can't stop. I go in to defense mode. If I hurt him first, he can't hurt me. This horrible horrible strategy.

I am going to schedule another appointment with the therapist ASAP. We had a few good weeks but things have taken a turn. And, 90% of that is me going off the deep end.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by jaymoq

I know this relationship is not ideal. I had actually packed everything up and my mom flew out to help me move not but three months ago. But, the day she flew out he got news he had serious complications with his brain and spine and I felt guilty. So I didn't leave. How could I? Abandon him when he gets this diagnosis that could either paralyze or kill him? Since then, he's seen numerous doctors and is about to go in for surgery to hopefully alleviate the pressure on his brain and spine, but--- geesh. It is a lot to handle.

Am I scared because of that? The prospect of being 'stuck' in a relationship with someone that very well could become disabled for the rest of their life? I can't imagine what that would look like. Especially because my CAREER is based on helping those with disabilities. I can't just walk away. Or can I?

I am so confused. Today was a bad morning. Despite me asking him to stop unloading his work on me, he sends me a photo of a horrendous car wreck he was working last night. It just--- messes me up. We've talked about this in our sessions. He can't decompress on me, even if I do work in the counseling field.

Sigh. Sorry, its been a really bad morning. I was off for the holidays and coming back is always tough. Therefore I become his emotional monster. This morning I completely emasculated him with some mean mean words. I didn't mean to say them, but I was feeling so hurt and angry and irritated, it just all came out. Me telling him the wedding won't happen. Me telling him we are better off apart. Its like something takes over me and I can't stop. I go in to defense mode. If I hurt him first, he can't hurt me. This horrible horrible strategy.

I am going to schedule another appointment with the therapist ASAP. We had a few good weeks but things have taken a turn. And, 90% of that is me going off the deep end.

Staying out of guilt is probably the wrong choice for you, if you were going to leave anyway, which it sounds like you were, then follow through with it when you can feel ok about it. Maybe help him through the surgery but keep the boundaries clear and let him know you're there as someone who cares about him but not a romantic partner. It really sounds like you're trying to force something and your heart isn't in it. Obviously it wasn't the thought he might have to deal with a disability that had you all ready to leave him prior to his accident! Plenty of people do one thing for work and don't want to take that work home - people that work with kids who don't want children; I work in the counseling field too and while it helps for interacting with people I wouldn't want my bf to treat me like his therapist.

You can walk away, if you decide that's what is right for you. We always have a choice, it's just that often it feels like we don't because we don't have any good choices. Staying or going, both might be less than ideal but there's always a choice.

[Rose76]

You keep referring to how "society" has brainwashed you into wanting something really superb in a marriage . . . like you've had your ability to think realistically for yourself stolen from you by all these social influences. Tens of thousands of young women have been subject to the very same influences. Lots of them make decisions that they end up glad they made. Since you've already had a failed marriage, you are well aware that reality is not the same as a Lifetime chick flick. I don't accept that you can't think straight due to social influences.

It took a while for you to get to it, but you have a huge dilemma. You are engaged to a man who has serious medical problems that may lead to him being severely disabled at a young age. I'ld have to be passionately in love to enter into a marriage that might put that cross on my shoulders. (For 3 years, I've been caretakimg my s.o. who happens to have become seriously disabled. It ain't easy, and at times I feel cheated. But I've loved him for many years.) Your therapist is wrong to say you are making yourself impossible to satisfy. Having misgivings about entering into marriage with a man whose health is seriously impaired is not setting the bar too high. Feeling that way does not make you a heel. I think your stated concern about all this stuff related to what society conditions us to expect is a "red herring." I think you feel guilty for not embracing a commitment that you fear will be too much of a burden. It's not an ideal marriage that you are seeking. You are holding yourself up to some ideal of being a heroic person who would not hesitate to marry a disabled man.

I say, "Hesitate, and then hesitate some more." Give it another year. You do not owe this man the rest of your life just because you've been involved with him. It is not selfish to step back from a marriage that you feel you don't really want. This has nothing to do with society teaching you this, that or the other thing. It's okay to decide that you don't really love this man enough to commit to being his caretaker at an early age.

[jaymoq]

You all bring up good points. I think I need to do some soul searching and really determine what I am wanting out of my future and from a relationship. Having these doubts and fears and guilt doesn't feel good.

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[jaymoq]

Feeling anxious today. He goes in for a CT scan and it seems surgery is imminent. This will be the second surgery he will have since we've been together. I just feel this -- apprehension. His last surgery he was completely dependent on me and it was overwhelming. To drop everything to feed him, bathe him, medicate him. And there was this immediate expectation I would be that for him. I have trouble just taking care of myself. I want to be that support for him, but I have to be realistic about my limitations.

I am experiencing some anxiety just thinking about having to care for him again. He gets very verbally abusive when on medications not to mention he gets very ill in a violent way immediately after anesthesia.

I mean-- I work full time, I am in grad school full time, and I care for 5 horses which is another job in and of itself. How will I be able to take care of him during his two months of recovery? I dread it. To have to be responsible for his care and to get him to doctors appointments and to ensure he is taking his medication. It really freaks me out.

But I can't just leave him......

Its a tough day. Especially knowing he is fully prepared to do surgery without exhausting any other options and potentially paralyzing himself for life. Part of me wants to just escape this. If I am by myself, no one will expect me to be their rock. I myself am floating. I need my own rock. I can't be someone else's right now.

[hannabee]

I would think that insurance may help with the cost of in-home assistance? Please check that out immediately. If not, find someone to help you and pay them. You cannot and should not be expected to take on this responsibility alone. Big hug!

[hannabee]

P.S. What is the surgery for again?

[Bill3]

My thinking is that there is too much going on to decide about marriage. Care for him as best you can now, and get help with that, as much as you can. See how you feel about the relationship in two months.

[jaymoq]

Surgery will be for spinal decompression and probably spinal fusion. The CT he gets today will help determine how invasive things have to be.

I agree, I will need help. I think I just feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility. And that isn't romantic, is it?

Its just been months of this - we aren't intimate anymore, we stay home, and he can't engage in things I enjoy (horseback riding, hiking, going out) because of his physical limitations. Originally, I stopped doing those things because I felt guilty that I was excluding him (which he brought up in counseling, I exclude him) but I had to do something for ME and so I now go at least 3-4 times a week to ride my horses and be active and go on jogs. Honestly, I gained 20 lbs in the last 6 months because I stopped doing anything to be his rock. It is exhausting. Worse yet, sometimes he will get so fed up with being unable to do anything that he will overstress himself and further injure himself. He can't lift over 25 lbs. So, he doesn't. But sometimes he'll tag along with me to the horses and I'm lifting 100 lb bales and he'll grab one. And I tell him to please leave it, I've got it. I feel like I'm emasculating him. But, he has to be realistic and so do I. I want someone who can do these things but my fiancé can't. And its not his fault, but it is reality. So what do I do?

And so maybe that's why I am so turned off by this whole thing -- because he is no longer a partner in crime. He is now my responsibility. Or so it feels. Before we were wholly compatible. We went on hikes, we rode the horses, we were passionate and engaged in one another's lives. But, now it just seems like I'm his support system. Which means I get no support at all. I get he is worried about his future, but it seems like he has gone in to autopilot mode and is no longer able to be a committed partner to me.

I don't know that this is what I want. But, I don't HAVE to get married. I don't HAVE to make a decision today. I just hate feeling this guilt. I feel responsible. I feel like I'm abandoning him. I will go out of my way to see him, just for 5 minutes, because I want him to know he is important. But, who does that for me? Sometimes I want someone to take care of me, yknow?

Sorry, self-pity day.

[hannabee]

I'd say you are entitled to your feelings and I can totally understand feeling responsible for him, cause he has made it that way. Boy, this must be so difficult for you to accept, but it's not like you've been married 30 years and this happened! Where are his family and/or friends. I seriously don't think this should fall entirely on your shoulders, but I can understand HOW DIFFICULT it might feel to extricate yourself.

How about coming up with a plan for YOUR future?
1. Hire someone to help with his recovery.
2. Set aside time DAILY for you and you alone.
3. Start a journal about your relationship with him. Keep detailed records of your thoughts, feelings and how you are being treated by him, REGARDLESS of whatever medications he is taking, he should be treating you properly.
4. Set a date to make a decision about if you will marry him. If the date comes and you haven't decided, You can extend it if you like, just let yourself know that YOU and only YOU have control of your future.
5. Tell yourself daily that you are NOT a bad person should you choose to walk away. Hopefully, you will soon believe the TRUTH in that statement.

Hope this is of some help, you really do have my condolences.

[Bill3]

Originally, I stopped doing those things because I felt guilty that I was excluding him (which he brought up in counseling, I exclude him) but I had to do something for ME and so I now go at least 3-4 times a week to ride my horses and be active and go on jogs.

You are excluding someone if you keep them out of something that they otherwise can do. Here I think it is his illness, not you, that is "excluding" him. Are you expected to stay home 100 percent of the time if that is what he is confined to doing?

But, he has to be realistic and so do I. I want someone who can do these things but my fiancé can't. And its not his fault, but it is reality. So what do I do?

You are allowed to want someone who can be an actual physical partner. If he can't be that person, you are allowed to look for someone who can.

But, now it just seems like I'm his support system. Which means I get no support at all.

You feel more like a caregiver than a partner.

Sometimes I want someone to take care of me, yknow?

Yes. But I gather that this is a big part of what you are feeling guilt about.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by jaymoq

My dream guy is some rugged cowboy that has an extensive business enterprise that is also hopeless romantic and finds my quirks "cute". Bahaha. But let's be real, isn't that just my dream? Does that guy really exist? .

Yes, but I'm happily married.

On a more serious note, as soon as I'm done with this post, I've got to get back to training a two year old filly I'm working with at the moment. That is significant because before I met my wife, horses were not my path. That day, thirty years ago, that I saw her and the coffee slipped out of my hands - she became my path.

Nothing is more important to me than her happiness. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her smile. That means that my plans changed. Till the day I met her, the idea of staying in one place and starting work at dawn ever day, seven days a week - was not appealing. Suddenly, it was the most appealing thing in the world because it was the lifestyle that would bring joy to the woman I love.

Seems to me that you're wondering if he loves you enough when the question I'd be asking is if I love him enough. If you don't know the answer to that question, then the answer is 'no'.

[Rose76]

(((((jaymoq)))))

You have my total sympathy. I am in a better position than the vast majority of people to understand the dilemma you feel you are in. I do take care of my disabled significant other.

First of all: If you are living with this man, then you absolutely need to change that. Until you do, you cannot possibly think clearly. At the very least, do not marry this man. That is a huge commitment that you have absolutely no duty to make . . . and very excellent reasons not to make.

Being engaged gives a person some final time to consider if they are sure they want to be in a marriage with someone. It does not mean you are irrevocably committed. Ending an engagement due to your fiance's health problems may seem unromantic, but it is perfectly legitimate. It sounds like you are trying to hold yourself up to a superhuman standard of devotion. Trust me - I know how that can be.

I've been in a longterm relationship with a man whom I long ago decided never to marry. He had too many problems, including alcohol abuse and unreliable employment. We have lived together for years at a time. We've lived together, apart, together, apart. When he permanently stopped drinking and was working steady, I moved back in with him. That lasted a few years, and then I separated from him again. I am so very, very glad I did.

I still love him and I now provide him with a great deal of care. I stay at his apartment many nights, but I do have my own apartment to go home to. If not for me, he would now be in a nursing home. I do this only because I want to. I can stop anytime I friggin' feel like it. Believe me - there isn't a month I don't seriously entertain stepping back. I love having that freedom. (If I lived with him, I would feel absolutely trapped!)

He is so damn lucky that I never did marry him. If I had, we would have been divorced by now, and he would not have me in his life. Instead, he has me as his forever friend. I am free to walk out of the friendship. But, knowing I have no obligation to do anything for him, lets me feel free to be his friend and do as much, or as little, as I want to.

I am older than you and retired. I am not working, or going to school or trying to take care of horses. I have all the time in the world, and I choose to devote some of it to him.

Quite frankly, in your case, I would recommend, eventually, distancing yourself, even in terms of friendship with this man. You need to be free to, eventually, find another relationship that may have the potential to bloom into a healthy marriage. I am at an age where I don't need that. I've been involved with this man for over 30 years. When he goes, I hope to get myself a nice dog.

As is the case with you, my S.O. has the potential to be unpleasant/abusive at times. (I was in a domestic violence shelter, years ago, during a time when I lived with him and was unemployed.) Nowadays, I believe he is much nicer than he would be, if I didn't have my own apartment to go to anytime I want. And, sometimes, I do get completely fed up with him and tell him I need to go home.

Feel free to PM me anytime, if you like.

[ShineYourLight]

haha so simple......LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY, SO YOU CAN LOVE OTHERS UNCONDITIONALLY. that way when the bad comes, you can just smile at it

[Rose76]

You love a man unconditionally, after you marry him . . . not before. That's one of the reasons they invented marriage.