Before getting into a serious relationship, is it necessary for you to have solved all your "issues", or the relationship could be a place to grow, mature, and change?

[Pepi]

If one is to wait till they get ''sparkling clean'' before entering a relationship, one is doomed to continue on waiting and never find anyone. It's just my take on these things. If you're ready to love, respect, cherish and be honest with the person you care about (despite having a few issues on your own that need fixing), go for it. If you're both understanding, you can both work your way out and create a strong bond.

[divine1966]

Some issues might always be there, but when you are aware of them then you can grow and be happy. Some things are just how they are ( if one has OCD or GAD and decides to wait until they are cured then they'll wait their whole life).

Some things need to be fixed. I personally needed to become aware of why I attract same type of men my whole life and why I end up with them despite the fact that they aren't right people for me and how to recognize the signs and red flags.

That had to be worked on prior to looking for the right person otherwise I would never break the cycle. I kind of knew what it is but it wasn't very clear to me. I needed somebody to help me so I went to therapy.

Relationship could certainly be a place to grow. At the same time we kind of attract people at our own level. Like if we aren't emotionally well we usually attract people who are just the same. It doesn't mean we have to be perfect, of course not.

I think just awareness of what needs to be tweaked and willingness to be better is a good start

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Originally Posted by Pepi

If one is to wait till they get ''sparkling clean'' before entering a relationship, one is doomed to continue on waiting and never find anyone. It's just my take on these things. If you're ready to love, respect, cherish and be honest with the person you care about (despite having a few issues on your own that need fixing), go for it. If you're both understanding, you can both work your way out and create a strong bond.

Well said!

Because of my sensitivity and way of thinking, I sometimes say, I am not ready for a relationship and marriage, because I might hurt my partner and potentially my children. But at the same time, what if my partner and children could help me tame those behaviors and thoughts? Once I read someone expressed similar fears that he was negative and afraid of his children to inherit his negativity, but then he continued to say that he was wrong, his children have brought to his life joy and light. So may be a relationship is a place of growth and change for both partners as you all implied. Thanks

[CaptainChaos79]

Is there really such a thing as having solve ALL one's issues? Seriously? And would you want to meet the person who claims to have done so? I would call such a person a liar liar pants on fire....

[JustJenny]

It depends what kind of issues you are talking about. I have a dandelion phobia. When I see a large dandelion I get very scared as if it can attack me. I start to sweat, my heart starts pounding and if the large dandelion happens to be very close me me I enter a panic mode. There were occasions when I would wander into a meadow and then cry for my mother (when I was younger) to come and rescue me. I had this ever since I was a child and I don't think this will ever go away. If you have something like that you should not try to fix it first as it may take way too long.

Is the fear of a serious relationship and having children the only issue you are concerned about?

[divine1966]

I am sorry. I know it is not funny but I just couldn't help it. Why dandelion? Is it when it's puffy or yellow?

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[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry. I know it is not funny but I just couldn't help it.

It is pretty funny :-) I laugh about it too as long as there are no big dandelions on the horizon.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Why dandelion? Is it when it's puffy or yellow?

No no, I am not scared of the flowers, it's the the vicious leaves that scare the out of me. I don't know why, I was scared of them ever since I was a child. And the bigger they are the more terrified I am. I wrote more about it here:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/anxie...on-phobia.html

[Trippin2.0]

Just Jenny...


Best phobia ever!!!

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Just Jenny...


Best phobia ever!!!

Thank you, thank you. I am very proud of it

[divine1966]

There is no rhyme or reason of why certain things are just scary to certain people. Amazing how human brain works. My daughter is terrified of zombies.

She is an adult and very normal in every sense and she of course knows they aren't real yet just the word zombie upsets her. She was also also afraid of vacuum cleaner for the longest time as well as escalators. I don't mean as a young child but as pretty much grown up.



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Originally Posted by JustJenny

It depends what kind of issues you are talking about. I have a dandelion phobia. When I see a large dandelion I get very scared as if it can attack me. I start to sweat, my heart starts pounding and if the large dandelion happens to be very close me me I enter a panic mode. There were occasions when I would wander into a meadow and then cry for my mother (when I was younger) to come and rescue me. I had this ever since I was a child and I don't think this will ever go away. If you have something like that you should not try to fix it first as it may take way too long.

Is the fear of a serious relationship and having children the only issue you are concerned about?

Actually, I am not scared of serious relationships and having children per se, but I am scared of hurting them, because I am very sensitive and have very low threshold to negative events and get angry, even though I rarely show it, and frustrated easily. I wonder if this will hurt them or them will help me becoming a better person! Also, I am not that outgoing, and sociable, and a bit shy and introvert. Do I need to change that before getting into a relationship? Sometimes I say to myself I am not ready, but then I'll say what if I couldn't change for a long time, and a relationship is the catalyst I need for change?

[Pepi]

If somebody opens up to you, if things get going between the two of you, just go for it. Don't hold yourself from experiencing closeness, intimacy, love. Stop obsessing yourself with what-if scenarios. You're not perfect and neither is the person with you perfect. Go with the flow and see what happens.

Originally Posted by Pepi

If somebody opens up to you, if things get going between the two of you, just go for it. Don't hold yourself from experiencing closeness, intimacy, love. Stop obsessing yourself with what-if scenarios. You're not perfect and neither is the person with you perfect. Go with the flow and see what happens.

This is something in the back of my mind. I just need to get over my perfectionist way of thinking, I guess, and find someone accepting and understanding.

[yagr]

Here's a couple of my experiences and findings:

In 1978, I got clean and sober. Clean and sober but I was a mess. Taking the drugs and alcohol out of my system didn't 'fix' me - I was still the same person who had concluded that putting poison into my system was a pretty nifty idea. The only thing that changed was that I wasn't using any longer. In fact, I was probably worse off in many ways because I had spent years solidifying dysfunctional ways of thinking and killed a few billion brain cells along the way.

It was recommended to me, through my sponsor in a twelve step program, to avoid relationships for the first year of my recovery. During that time, I worked diligently in fixing some of the dysfunctional thinking, destroying the old tapes that spoke of worthlessness, and learning how to live healthy. I used some of those perfectionist traits to drive myself and made a lot of great changes. Staying out of a relationship was hard because, well, we all want someone to love and be loved by - and it's so much easier to concentrate on someone else rather than yourself, but I did it. The truth is, while I had one girl in particular that I prayed wouldn't find someone before I reached my year and was going to be let off my leash, I was scared when the moment arrived.

I had worked really, really hard - but as the saying goes: twenty miles in, twenty miles out. I knew I was still messed up in a lot of ways. But I had plateaued in many ways. I found that there is only so much growth I could do on the inside, without experiencing it in reality. So much of the new behaviors and thoughts were theoretical - I didn't know what would happen when the rubber met the road. So, I set fear aside and stuck my toe in the water.

That first relationship was nowhere near perfect, but it was so much healthier and better than any relationship I had ever had before - and I learned so, so much. When it ended, I went back to the theoretical. I went to work on the issues I had that I had missed and the relationship revealed. I kept working on me until I hit another wall in my personal growth. Then I ventured into the relationship waters again. I repeated that pattern a few times before meeting the woman who was to become my wife...and then something amazing happened.

I fell in love. I thought I had been in love before but of course, it's notoriously difficult to identify love until you arrive. Character defects that I clung to fell away because seeing her suffer from them was more painful than letting go. I remember early in our relationship I was getting angry one day during a conversation I was having with her. I was feeling insecure and taking it out on her in some really petty, passive aggressive ways. She looked up at me and I saw the pain in her eyes and something broke. I excused myself and went to the bathroom returning ten minutes later and told her, "I just spent the last ten minutes in the bathroom growing up. I was scared, and I acted embarrassingly poorly. It will not happen again." And it didn't, not that particular character defect anyway.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I did most of the work on me outside of relationships and then brought my new talents to the table - but once I found the right person for me, love carried me the rest of the way. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I've changed into a person who is perfect for my wife - and that is more than good enough.

Originally Posted by yagr

Here's a couple of my experiences and findings:

In 1978, I got clean and sober. Clean and sober but I was a mess. Taking the drugs and alcohol out of my system didn't 'fix' me - I was still the same person who had concluded that putting poison into my system was a pretty nifty idea. The only thing that changed was that I wasn't using any longer. In fact, I was probably worse off in many ways because I had spent years solidifying dysfunctional ways of thinking and killed a few billion brain cells along the way.

It was recommended to me, through my sponsor in a twelve step program, to avoid relationships for the first year of my recovery. During that time, I worked diligently in fixing some of the dysfunctional thinking, destroying the old tapes that spoke of worthlessness, and learning how to live healthy. I used some of those perfectionist traits to drive myself and made a lot of great changes. Staying out of a relationship was hard because, well, we all want someone to love and be loved by - and it's so much easier to concentrate on someone else rather than yourself, but I did it. The truth is, while I had one girl in particular that I prayed wouldn't find someone before I reached my year and was going to be let off my leash, I was scared when the moment arrived.

I had worked really, really hard - but as the saying goes: twenty miles in, twenty miles out. I knew I was still messed up in a lot of ways. But I had plateaued in many ways. I found that there is only so much growth I could do on the inside, without experiencing it in reality. So much of the new behaviors and thoughts were theoretical - I didn't know what would happen when the rubber met the road. So, I set fear aside and stuck my toe in the water.

That first relationship was nowhere near perfect, but it was so much healthier and better than any relationship I had ever had before - and I learned so, so much. When it ended, I went back to the theoretical. I went to work on the issues I had that I had missed and the relationship revealed. I kept working on me until I hit another wall in my personal growth. Then I ventured into the relationship waters again. I repeated that pattern a few times before meeting the woman who was to become my wife...and then something amazing happened.

I fell in love. I thought I had been in love before but of course, it's notoriously difficult to identify love until you arrive. Character defects that I clung to fell away because seeing her suffer from them was more painful than letting go. I remember early in our relationship I was getting angry one day during a conversation I was having with her. I was feeling insecure and taking it out on her in some really petty, passive aggressive ways. She looked up at me and I saw the pain in her eyes and something broke. I excused myself and went to the bathroom returning ten minutes later and told her, "I just spent the last ten minutes in the bathroom growing up. I was scared, and I acted embarrassingly poorly. It will not happen again." And it didn't, not that particular character defect anyway.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I did most of the work on me outside of relationships and then brought my new talents to the table - but once I found the right person for me, love carried me the rest of the way. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I've changed into a person who is perfect for my wife - and that is more than good enough.

Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate it.

[Trippin2.0]

We're all a work in progress, I think its unreasonable to wait until we are perfect, that's never going to happen.


My bf and I both have our issues, when we first started seeing each other I was very messed up.


I ended an abusive relationship 9 months prior and had more baggage than I realized, and my eldest brother, whom I worshipped was just murdered.


3 months into our relationship my dad passed away too...


So I was not ready to accept love. We kept flitting from insanely inlove to me breaking up with him every 3 months for 2 years.


My MH stuff got understandably out of hand and I was dragging him down, drowning him fast.

But that was my mistake, I mistook him for a therapist instead of treating him like the wonderful supportive partner he was. A partner with his own struggles, someone who needed me too, but I was too consumed in my own pain to notice.


So we broke up.


A year later (in which I did alot of work on myself) we got back together and things were by no means easy, as we were both weary of each other, but we worked through it together, decided on boundaries and goals together and are still together 3 years later.


I understand your worry about your temperament too... I have a very volatile temper, always had it, but I will say this: My daughter has been theeee best motivator in learning how to keep it in check.