[LifeInDarkness]

I haven't been in a relationship in about 7 years, I'm 21 now. My best friend and I used to text each other every day for a couple weeks saying "good morning" and "I love you". I liked being there for her, and when she used to tell me she got hungry in school I surprised her by sending a bunch of snacks to her house. She never sent anything back (except a cute selfie with her and the food haha) and I was okay with that.

We weren't in a relationship, but I miss the feelings a lot. Knowing she was there made me feel like I really mattered to someone. I know I matter to my friends and family, but it's not the same. She rejected me and now we don't talk anymore, though I still find myself checking my phone every morning to this day.

100% of the time, I get absolutely nothing, and it makes me feel really crappy for the rest of the day.

[Stillcloseted]

How do I love myself. I've read every self help book out there and I still have no clue.

[Rose76]

You need more friends. And you need someone special. Seek that out.

[LifeInDarkness]

Originally Posted by Rose76

You need more friends. And you need someone special. Seek that out.

I have friends to hang out with, but not really people who talk about their personal lives (plus they're all guys). The girls I'm close with are all in relationships. When I "seek out" relationships things always go wrong, if that's what you mean by "someone special".

[misslabarinth]

I can understand what rejection feels like, it sucks.
I am not the best in this topic, considering I have lived without many friends for quite awhile.
However, if you are comfortable perhaps you can find someone who can help with these feelings.
'Fill the void' in a sense.

Originally Posted by LifeInDarkness

I have friends to hang out with, but not really people who talk about their personal lives (plus they're all guys). The girls I'm close with are all in relationships. When I "seek out" relationships things always go wrong, if that's what you mean by "someone special".

Why do you feel that way? What your friends tell you? Are they in relationships?

[LifeInDarkness]

Originally Posted by misslabarinth

I can understand what rejection feels like, it sucks.
I am not the best in this topic, considering I have lived without many friends for quite awhile.
However, if you are comfortable perhaps you can find someone who can help with these feelings.
'Fill the void' in a sense.

I think you're right but I don't know where to find someone to fill the void. Maybe I am not comfortable.

Originally Posted by Le.Monsieur.S

Why do you feel that way? What your friends tell you? Are they in relationships?

I've lost a lot of friends from taking interest in girls. A lot of the time, I idealize the girl then either come off too strong, or act too emotionally dependent. Girls would lose interest immediately. My friends in relationships tell me to play it cool, be less emotional, and especially be more patient.

[~Christina]

Sometimes it really boils down to you need to be happy /content with who you "are"

Please don't fall into the trap that you " need someone" to be happy.

You can find happiness.. Take time and self reflection.. The majority of people in relationships find that partner when they were not even looking.. Life is funny like that.

Go easy on yourself .

Welcome to PC

[divine1966]

Many people aren't in a relationship at 21. It isn't unusual. Many are busy with school and other activities. You said you haven't been in a relationship for 7 years? So you were in one at 14? Maybe I read it wrong.

Are there other things you might get busy with like school or friends or hobbies or work?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rose76]

It's pretty common for things to go wrong in relationships when you are young. If that wasn't true, everyone would end up married to the first person they dated.

[Shanghai Cloud]

Originally Posted by LifeInDarkness

I haven't been in a relationship in about 7 years, I'm 21 now. My best friend and I used to text each other every day for a couple weeks saying "good morning" and "I love you". I liked being there for her, and when she used to tell me she got hungry in school I surprised her by sending a bunch of snacks to her house. She never sent anything back (except a cute selfie with her and the food haha) and I was okay with that.

We weren't in a relationship, but I miss the feelings a lot. Knowing she was there made me feel like I really mattered to someone. I know I matter to my friends and family, but it's not the same. She rejected me and now we don't talk anymore, though I still find myself checking my phone every morning to this day.

100% of the time, I get absolutely nothing, and it makes me feel really crappy for the rest of the day.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I've been alone almost all the time since I left my hometown and never came back (moved a bunch of places, had only one best friend for a 1.5 year period). This summer I tried to reach out emotionally with 9CHAT, since no one in real life was available. I was content a few weeks, then became miserable when the people that "empathized" just dropped off the grid. I deleted the app. PsychCent is my second attempt to reach out.

I went through several phases of philosophy, from optimism, "waiting for the special someone," to pessimism, "accepting me being forever alone", to something in the middle. I learned that there is a way you can temporarily accept being "forever alone" without losing self-esteem and optimism. I believe that there must be an almost-perfectly matching person to be in your life in order to have a good, jointly-beneficial and empowering relationship. There is very little you can do to accelerate that process. Of course, you can increase your chances from 0.0001% to 0.0002% by going out and meeting people. But the paradox is that making yourself vulnerable like that can cause you more pain than is worth. Besides, most relationships are no where near perfect. Perhaps that is why most relationships end in pain and sometimes depression. Let me share one of my journal entries with you:

"Yes, of course I've been thinking about relationships. I'm lonely as f***. But if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that things can always get worse, even things you expect to be good (like the perfect special someone you might be hoping to appear in front of you). Loneliness sucks, but it's a world I know well, that I can mold and command to my advantage since I'm the one in charge. Relationships are dangerous. They can leave me [and her] destroyed, in ruin. I've heard the reality. I'm living the lesser of two evils. I will only let down my guard if she understands this, if she is the one to find and need me, if she is willing to do the same. Let this be my fantasy."

For better or worse, we as humans can't shed our emotional aspirations and desires. But what I did is separate my desire into a fantasy, another world that's totally separate from the real one, in which I have a multitude of other challenges and pleasures to focus on.

Focus on your career, on volunteering, on making the world a better place. Perhaps you can go to an orphanage or some other miserable place in the world and make a world of difference to someone. Take a leap and join the freaking military and serve something great. Join the Civil Air Patrol if you live in the US. Go to church and give yourself to a god, or pack a bag, fix up your bicycle, and take off down the highway on a journey of carelessness and music. Read classic books and absorb knowledge and become smart as hell!

Do whatever you have to do, to make the unobtainable desire as secondary in your life as possible. Depend ONLY on yourself to do whatever you want.

Hope this might have helped. I've been asking your title question for as long as I can remember, and would love to talk more.

[LifeInDarkness]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Sometimes it really boils down to you need to be happy /content with who you "are"

Please don't fall into the trap that you " need someone" to be happy.

You can find happiness.. Take time and self reflection.. The majority of people in relationships find that partner when they were not even looking.. Life is funny like that.

Go easy on yourself .

Welcome to PC

Thank you, I don't know if I need someone per se but I do think it'd be nice to be given another shot at it. Sometimes I do self-reflection and it gets boring after awhile since I have no one to share it with. Not to mention the real bore which is not knowing about "her" life and thoughts, though I'm working on this by trying to get to know other people's lives better, even if we're not dating.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Many people aren't in a relationship at 21. It isn't unusual. Many are busy with school and other activities. You said you haven't been in a relationship for 7 years? So you were in one at 14? Maybe I read it wrong.

Are there other things you might get busy with like school or friends or hobbies or work?

Yes, I was in one at 14. I don't know what we were thinking lol but it was fun. I go to school, hang out with friends, do work part-time, and exercise so I am pretty busy. Sometimes I put up a strong front until I get home and then that's when I think a relationship would be nice.

Originally Posted by Rose76

It's pretty common for things to go wrong in relationships when you are young. If that wasn't true, everyone would end up married to the first person they dated.

Very true, and I've learned many people are in bad relationships. However what concerns me is that people don't even give me a chance anymore.

Originally Posted by Shanghai Cloud

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I've been alone almost all the time since I left my hometown and...I've been asking your title question for as long as I can remember, and would love to talk more.

I will message you later, but I wanted to let you know I am glad you've shared this with me

[Shanghai Cloud]

Originally Posted by LifeInDarkness

I go to school, hang out with friends, do work part-time, and exercise so I am pretty busy. Sometimes I put up a strong front until I get home and then that's when I think a relationship would be nice.

At least you have friends to hang out with. You have a job. Perhaps you can help yourself by filling up the rest of your free time to the point that you won't even have time for a relationship, and therefore you won't have as much a desire to get one. A lot of successful people are like that, a lot of students.

[mf1438]

I've never been alone. I don't like being alone. I need another human in my life to reflect life back on me. I'm happily married, but oddly enough, I don't have friends. I'm working on developing more friendships. I wish someone would reach out to me everyday. I'm finding a few good penpals to stay in touch with. I believe there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to be open and keep looking. Don't get me wrong, I like alone time, but I also realize that to feel alive I have to be with people who are alive. Some people get pets to fill the void. I love the idea of volunteering and helping others. I get a ton of satisfaction by doing the same. Just remember, you are never alone. You could reach out to many on this site and they would welcome you with open arms. BTW, I'm 63 years old and I'm still learning how to develop friendships!When I was your age and supposed to be working on my social identity, I was out getting drunk and getting laid, so I missed the lessons on how to develop long and lasting relationships. My wife is an expert at that, so I've been learning from her.

Since I have insecure attachment styles, anxious–preoccupied and fearful–avoidant, it's not easy, but I'm getting better, much much better.

I tripped over some videos that really helped.

Guide to Maintaining Friendships (search youtube)

It's a series and it really helped me. Good luck!

[Bolivar83]

[QUOTE=LifeInDarkness;4890284]I think you're right but I don't know where to find someone to fill the void. Maybe I am not comfortable.

I can empathize (feeling lonely, wanting to connect with someone who is special to you). I'd caution against seeking someone to "fill the void." I don't know your situation, but growing out of an abusive household has left me feeling the void intensely. When I was younger, I struggled to fill it with anything that would help me stave off my loneliness, emptiness. For me, I've found I needed to fill it myself. I read somewhere (think it was in DBT, and I'm paraphrasing!), it is sucks what happened but as unfair as it is, I'm the only one who can fix it (therapy, meds, taking care of myself, finding things that interest me and make me feel fulfilled).

Not to preach to you (perhaps too late!), but perhaps by seeing your own value and finding the things you love and enjoy will help with the void.

Again, sorry if sounds like a bad lecture. Take care

[LifeInDarkness]

[quote=Bolivar83;4891656]

Originally Posted by LifeInDarkness

I think you're right but I don't know where to find someone to fill the void. Maybe I am not comfortable.

I can empathize (feeling lonely, wanting to connect with someone who is special to you). I'd caution against seeking someone to "fill the void." I don't know your situation, but growing out of an abusive household has left me feeling the void intensely. When I was younger, I struggled to fill it with anything that would help me stave off my loneliness, emptiness. For me, I've found I needed to fill it myself. I read somewhere (think it was in DBT, and I'm paraphrasing!), it is sucks what happened but as unfair as it is, I'm the only one who can fix it (therapy, meds, taking care of myself, finding things that interest me and make me feel fulfilled).

Not to preach to you (perhaps too late!), but perhaps by seeing your own value and finding the things you love and enjoy will help with the void.

Again, sorry if sounds like a bad lecture. Take care

I recently made a list of "who I want to be", qualities I'd value if I could become them. Not only that, but I hope to see them in others, too, and surround myself with those people. Thanks for your warning, I'm glad things are better for you despite your past, and appreciate your advice from the outside