[Marilyn2016]

I've never known a healthy relationship. However, I ran into one hell of a sweetheart. We're engaged. Something I would never ever do. It's been 35 years, and I've made a committment to avoiding marriage. Bad Company's, Deal With The Preacher, used to be my anthem, and Bad Company isn't my favorite group. lol. I just have to be alone if I'm this nuts.

So, the problem. He's honest and he's sweet, but how do I trust him when he's always at the bar or if he kicks it with other ladies? I am so damn insecure. Can't I be the cool girl? Damn. I am jealous. It's a sin, but I am soooo jealous. How do I let go and just chill about things like this?

I of course have no idea what its like to have normal friendships. Maybe one of a few survived after 35 years moving as an expat.

Okay, so I'm listening to Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Chile, and I think just maybe I'll have an evening without nightmares of being rejected or betrayed.

Issues, issues. Poor guy. I love him, and he's really going to marry me? Will I sabatoge it because I'm nuts? We'll see.

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by Marilyn2016

So, the problem. He's honest and he's sweet, but how do I trust him when he's always at the bar or if he kicks it with other ladies? I am so damn insecure. Can't I be the cool girl? Damn. I am jealous. It's a sin, but I am soooo jealous. How do I let go and just chill about things like this?

How often does he do that? I would not be able to chill if that was happening to me...

[divine1966]

He is always at the bar? By himself? What's he doing there? Drinking? Does he go with friends or you or by himself?

It's not even about trust here but about life style for me. I am not too excited about guys who are always at the bar.
I wouldn't be too happy with this picture

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[Marilyn2016]

He goes to the bar at least once or twice a day. He doesn't stay too long. He goes alone. Sometimes he meets with friends. It irritates me, but he isn't going to change.

Some days I'm in love the entire day, and some days I'm like, wtf am I doing. Don't marry an alcoholic! Although, who am I to judge, he's nice to me, and I'm disabled and mental. It's a lot of work caring for me.

I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be an idiot either.

[JustJenny]

Did you talk to him about it?

[Marilyn2016]

Yes, we continue to talk.

[Marilyn2016]

He knows I'm horribly jealous. It does bother him a bit. He says it isn't necessary. I'm trying to kick an old habit of being jealous for no reason.

[JustJenny]

What does he say about it? Is he willing to change in any way?

[JustJenny]

He is giving you a reason to be jealous...

[divine1966]

I lived with functional alcoholic. He drank at home, he wasn't a bar hoping type. But still. Yeah. Never again. It is bad

So he goes twice a day to the bar???? Does he not work?!!? Gee. It's not even about jealousy here. Who can do that? I see maybe once a week.

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[Marilyn2016]

Yeah. He is functional. He says he feels like its prison if he's in the flat all of the time. So, he goes out for about an hour or two each day after work. I suppose I'm glad he is honest with me, but I do get jealous.
He freely goes out and enjoys life, and I'm always neurotic and frightened. I never leave the house, so I do encourage him to get out. It's just, dammit, could it be ANYTHING else besides a bar?
I don't expect that to change without him wanting it or a lot of work. So, for now, I try to let it slide.

[mf1438]

I'm new at psychcentral, so sorry if this does not come out right.

I'm a guy who used to cheat on his first wife a lot. She was too trusting. My 2nd wife (I'm still happily married), keeps me on a short leash. She has to the password to my phone and she usually knows where I am and what I'm doing. When you trust someone completely, it gives them too much freedom and it gives the impression that you don't care. Your gut feel is telling you to take the time to set appropriate boundaries. Trust your instincts.

[Marilyn2016]

Thank you mf1438. I will try to trust my instincts. I am seriously looking for a healthy balance between complete freedom and the short leash.

[Dinah9517]

Hi Marilyn2016. Good to meet you. I'm @ the Bar @ least once a day but my Bar usually has a Judge sitting behind it! Apologies for the "iffy" joke.
I think your situation is about mutual trust & understanding. But it seems your partner cannot understand your feelings re, how you truly feel about his regular visits to the pub. And do you trust him enough to, at least, cut down those visits or even take you with him. I go a pub, just round the corner from my work but they also serve food, soft drinks, tea & coffee with my Lunch there!
One thing learnt from my work is no-one is totally trustworthy but thats where you come in. Are you saying he prefers/depends on the pub more than you?
If your answer to that is "Yes" then ......!

[divine1966]

I think complete trust is necessary. I have no need to put any boundaries up, I have no fear my fiancée will cheat. I don't think it is jealousy that is an issue but other things like overall his behavior and life style. If he went to gym or library daily it wouldn't be as bizarre. What is there to do at the bar?

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[Steiner of Thule]

Did you meet him at a bar?

[Marilyn2016]

Originally Posted by Dinah9517

Hi Marilyn2016. Good to meet you. I'm @ the Bar @ least once a day but my Bar usually has a Judge sitting behind it! Apologies for the "iffy" joke.
I think your situation is about mutual trust & understanding. But it seems your partner cannot understand your feelings re, how you truly feel about his regular visits to the pub. And do you trust him enough to, at least, cut down those visits or even take you with him. I go a pub, just round the corner from my work but they also serve food, soft drinks, tea & coffee with my Lunch there!
One thing learnt from my work is no-one is totally trustworthy but thats where you come in. Are you saying he prefers/depends on the pub more than you?
If your answer to that is "Yes" then ......!

To be honest, he talks with me about it whenever I feel uneasy, which is a lot. He is open about what he does, and he I think only reads the paper or watches sports. I am always welcome to go, but it's just not my thing. I guess I can get coffee with him sometime. And I don't think he prefers the pub more, I think it's just a part of his routine of detoxing after work. Nothing ever suspicious happens, and it's a strange adjustment after a lot of disasters. Maybe I'm just being negative. He really is one of the kindest people I've ever met. If I have to tolerate alcoholism to be with this guy, I will. Thanks again for reading, I was just very frustrated about it at the time. Really, you have no idea the things he tolerates with my illnesses. I trust him deep down, I just, act like a child every time he goes out. What can I do to change my behavior?

[Marilyn2016]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think complete trust is necessary. I have no need to put any boundaries up, I have no fear my fiancée will cheat. I don't think it is jealousy that is an issue but other things like overall his behavior and life style. If he went to gym or library daily it wouldn't be as bizarre. What is there to do at the bar?

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Well, in his defense. There was a time I used to sit in the pub and talk about classes or life, but I don't drink anymore. lol. Maybe I'm jealous of that.

[Marilyn2016]

Originally Posted by Steiner of Thule

Did you meet him at a bar?

Nope. No bar when we met. He was drinking though. lol

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by Marilyn2016

If I have to tolerate alcoholism to be with this guy, I will.

Are you sure?

[divine1966]

I tolerated alcoholism for 8 years. It messes with your head. I forgot how it is with someone who doesn't drink. Have you tried al anon?

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