How do you know when to push through?

Hi, I've turned to an online forum because I have a limited resource of friends and family and I don't want to stain my relationship in there eyes with my couple issue. I do however speak to one friend and my brother in this regard.

I've met the person that I felt to be "the one", three years ago, through an online dating site. We have lots in common and communicate well. I realize that with these tools, it's hard to believe that we're in the situation that we're in. This is why I'm here. Maybe I don't know how to clearly understand "the signs", "flags"

I was a single guy(40 yrs old) with a 8 yr old son, living on my own in a small town, one hour away from a major city. I have 50/50 custody of my son, with my ex. I've been working for the same company for 12 yrs and really enjoy my job.
I had been separated for 18 months before we met.

My girlfriend, (37 yrs old), had two kids around the same age. She lived much closer to the major city and also has the same kids schedule as I did. She works for a multinational company and has been there for 12 years as well.
She had been separated 10 months before we met.

We introduced the kids after three months and I moved in after six. I've rented my house and got rid of most of my belongings. At the time, I was on the fence about these actions, but I felt that if I really wanted this relationship to work, that I needed to properly commit and not always look back to "what if"?

At many times during the relationship, even after these, 'moments', she has told me that she now sees how she likes to be appreciated by a man, and how much she loves and appreciates us. She told me at one point that she's never been this happy before and never wants it to end.

I've recently been laid off because of lack of work. We've discussed this and are actually looking at it from a very good perspective. She comes off as being extremely supportive, however, it's only been a few weeks now, this may change.

She is extremely driven and successful in her job and constantly reward by such. She makes 2 to 3 times what the average person makes when you include her bonus's. She has a very big job, that's high stress!! This may be part of the issue, but she love's it!

The kids get along so well it's incredible. We could never expect, nor ask for better.

The issue...

There have been a few times that she has gone into a type of depressed mode, where she would detach and become snappy. She is usually a bubbly, carismatic person, so this concerned me. We've always discussed it and she said that she needed space. Time alone to be with here friends and family, or just alone. I understand this and have since offered up many times the opportunity, but she says that she'd rather do the activity with me. So I'm confused.

This last discussion, she opened up and added that she feels bad because of how well I treat her, and she doesn't feel that she does that much for me, but she does.
She's alway's made me feel taken care of, except when she's in those moods. (three times, duration of about two weeks). She's really searching for the meaning of true love... I don't think she understands it. She says that she doesn't feel that she loves me the way I love her, because of the above. I told her, Love is not the same for everyone and I don't need to have someone take care of me by picking up my dry cleaning, washing my car, taking care of the kids. I need to know that the person I'm with, loves me, has my best interest at heart, and see's me in there future, in all the best and worst moments. She says that she does feel this way for me... But questions why she doesn't feel it's enough. She says that she now feels that maybe she was not single long enough after her marriage... and she's confused.

I held here hand and told her that I understand, and I didn't want to be part of any pain within her life. I understand if she needs me to leave the house. I added however that she really should talk to a friend about this, as it's a lot to take on by yourself. I also added that therapy might be a good choice as well, not necessarily for fixing us, but atleast her. She tells me that she thinks that the only way that she'll really be able to understand, is if I was to leave.

She says that she loves me and our beautiful new family, there's just something getting in the way of full commitment.

Then, we went to sleep.

The next day after work, I made a beautiful dinner and we discussed this further. She believes that my suggestions are good ones and has decided to talk to a friend and find a therapist.

I believe that this shows commitment to the problem, therefor, I need to further commit myself and stay in this relationship. At the same time, the above is another flag, and I need to learn to read these better.

I really love this person and our new family. I'm afraid to make the wrong decision, too fast. I know that if I leave, I won't consider coming back. It would be way too confusion for the kids etc., including myself.

My separation was due to my girlfriend of 15 yrs meeting another man.
My current girlfriends divorce was due to her falling in love with the attention given to her by a coworker. She cheated on her husband and then the coworker called the fling quits. I have a much better relationship with my ex than she does, if that matters.

I don't know what else to say...

Thanks for reading my book
Me

I've had to ask myself the same question, and for me, the answer to your thread title is this:

You push through when you know that the outcome will be worth it.

At best, therapy clears her head and you two work out.

Worst case scenario, therapy clears her head and she decides two back to back committed relationships was a bad idea.

The first outcome is great for obvious reasons, the second one is not all bad, because it means both partners gave it their best shot.

On the other hand, if she's content with staying on the fence, just seeing how it plays out, not seeking therapy or couples counseling, my advice would be to cut your losses and move out and on.

Can't have one foot comfortably in and one firmly out the door.

Since you two communicate so well, I would ask her directly what exactly her idea of love is...

Sometimes people have a warped image of fairytale, romcom, soapie love in their heads, that is just unreasonable in real life. Yet its what they grew up expecting and wanting....

Others think you need to feel infatuated, euphoric and all butterflies in the stomach 24/7 for it to be real or true. When the truth is, the honeymoon phase eventually ends, but it doesn't mean that love ended with it.

A direct talk and some counseling should be able to clear things up for both of you. That way there's no misunderstandings and what ifs...

Lol, maybe I should have just responded with that last sentence instead of with my own book.

Hopefully therapy is the given choice. And hopefully not the three sessions/I've found the answers and therapy over style, either. There's a lot at stake. Kids are very, very sensitive to the new person more so than us adults are.
I've discovered about attention is that it's very important to not twist attentions reality into feeding into the void. How's her relationship with her father? On the surface and deep down?

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Yes, I too believe that therapy on her/our part has to happen in order to move on properly. Otherwise this will just raise it's ugly head again in the future, yet with more at stake.

Yes, the void that I filled for her at the time, was that of the male figure around the house, in every aspect. I guess the question in the back of her head now is, do I fully fill the void that was in her heart? I believe that she will go to therapy to better understand her hearts needs and what love really is, and that she has too many expectations all of the time and you need to be comfortable with love falling into place.

Her relationship with her family is really good, her father, excellent!! Funny enough, I've actually asked myself if this may be part of the issue. I'm so far from understanding the way our parents effect our emotional outcome, but I can't help but believe that the answer may be there.

As I'm writing and rewriting this, I see this person that I love so much, and I'm sad for her... for the pressure that she places on herself to perform. I'm the complete opposite, so sometimes, I appreciate the drive, and feel that I'm the one who needs to step up the expectations.

She has the best job ever and she knows it! but of course, she fears loosing it sometimes... or the day when she can't do it anymore.

She has a beautiful family, with two kids, that she loves dearly. She actually loves the little boy, too much. Yes, it's possible.

She has my son and I, which for, I consider her and her family, to be lucky. LOL

Everything is just so perfect! she loves it, but of course, probably wonders if her heart is full, of if there's more.

To me, it kind of sounds like she might have some sort of self-esteem issue going on. In my head, it would explain why she cheated, why she moved fairly quickly with you, and why she's now feeling like she doesn't love you enough. The reason I think this is because when I start feeling really bad about myself, I look at my husband and just question what it is that I do for him that makes him want to stay.

I think therapy is a good idea, as well as keeping the lines of communication open (you're doing a great job with this already). She's going to need some time to figure this out, but I hope she spends some of that time working on feeling better about herself. It's that corny cliche, but it's true. It's hard to feel loved by someone and love them back when you don't love yourself.

RomanSunburn:

I would agree 100%. I do feel that as successful as she is, she has self esteem issues.

There have been times in the past, that she has done things that make me surprised. We've talked about them, and she'll reflect and understand better after... This is why she often tells me that I understand her and that I'm good for her in that way.

And yes, this is one of my feelings as well... She can't love others as she does not fully love herself.

You know, when I tell her how proud I am of her in her mother hood advances and her success at work, she tells me thank you, nobody has ever acknowledged this verbally with me before. That's really sad.

I believe that I'm great for her that way

In the everyday, parenting, work, schooling, sex... we're really perfect. It's just this dark cloud that keeps us from moving on. I'm not perfect either... I'm an emotionally effected guy...

Thanks

Are you planning on going back to work? Could that be a worry on her part?

Yes I am working fully time at finding another employment opportunity.

So much so, that she is very impressed with the amount of stuff that I get done during the day. I have been taking fridays off, LOL, but trust me, I work my *ss off monday through thursday. Even get up at 6:00am!!

This feeling that she is having has been around for a while, I've been off for 4 weeks.

Good point though... I'm sure the actual layoff doesn't help

So I'm still in the same boat in just about every way...

We've had two good discussions on the matter since, but neither have gone anywhere.

One discussion, she says that she feels that she would need time alone... to understand what it is to be alone with herself. Problem is, we have kids and we live under the same roof. She mildly suggest that I could get a fully furnished condo and move out every second week when we don't have the kids, so to not affect them. (as, if this works out, the kids will not have to go through the back and forth of us being together and then apart.)

We left it at that...

A few days later, we reopened the discussion.... In her head, she's asking herself if she's not meant to live alone all her life..., Then she asks me... how is it that you know that you love me? She want's to know the criteria to love...

First of all, this person will never be happy alone... and I expressed this to her.

Secondly, I've suggested that she stops analysing what love is and just allows herself to be happy in the moment. I feel she's afraid to fail at another relationship.

The therapy still has yet to happen, as she's had an extremely rough month at work. I'm scepticle.

My brother thinks that she is selfish and that I should take my son and move on...
A female friend of mine thinks that we have a lot invested in this and that I should give her some time and space.

I don't know... I understand both perspectives. I don't want to just be needed, I want to be wanted! I love this person and I would like to work on this with her, but not at the expense of my heart and sanity. She seems to always get what she wants, and doesn't recognize it.

Thanks

To be blunt (and no offense) but I don't think she's ready to settle down. She's not willing to work at your relationship and expects you to cater to her...Not good.

I don't think she gave herself enough time after her separation. I think she needs it now. Whether you are there when she done with her journey of self-discovery is up to you.

You seem to want to allow work stress as an excuse. Why is that? Employment and non-employment does put stress on a relationship, but it shouldn't figure into the success or failure of it.

If you don't work you can't possibly move in to your own condo. How does she expect you to be on your own? You can't even buy or rent if you don't work.

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I'm in love with this person and I feel that what we had, have is really special. There are still a lot of really good times. Yes, I'm aware that she can has selfish moments... But nobody's perfect. As humans, we need to start working on relationships and stop running from them at the drop of a hat. People are so quick to get out these days. I mean, she didn't cheat on me... and she still tells me that she loves me and feels great to be in my arms... She just feels she needs time. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. Maybe it'll go away on it's own... maybe it wont. And no, neither of us know really how to deal with this. But for now, I want to be by her side and help her with this. I realise I may get hurt. I may not always know what to do and I may seek advice or help in matters... but this is only human, I believe.

I can rent a condo... I do have unemployment insurance for a year... I will regain an income within this time... and I do have many that will co sign with me if needed. Plus, I do own a house which is currently being rented out.

I don't have a tendency to leave relationship to quick. But honestly if a man told me go rent a place and go there every second week id be out. Sounds like a game. You either live together or you don't

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I hear what you're saying Divine, and ordinarily I would agree with you, without hesitation, but there are extenuating circumstances regarding OP's dilemma.


When a couple moves too fast, sometimes it is wisest to take a step or two back in order to actually salvage the relationship.


OP's partner has jumped from relationship to relationship without taking much, if any, time to be by herself and take the time to grow as an individual.

Diving in when you're not even sure you can swim is not very smart.


Like I said, ordinarily I would agree with moving on when one person seems to have one foot outside the door, but not everything is black and white, cut and dry.

Life is full of shades of grey.


FWIW to the OP, my relationship took a step back at one point, a HUGE step, people would've thought me stupid if I had posted asking advice about it. But I knew I had to go through with it, I just knew he was worth the risk. At times it was excruciating trying to adjust to it. But in the end, it was the right thing for both of us and our relationship has never been better nor more solid.



I guess for me it was easy to know without hesitation that I was doing the right thing, because I've known my bf half my life, way before we started dating. So while it was an emotional gamble, the odds were in my favour...




OP, We can only draw our conclusions from what you post, we are not there living your life, we don't know the inside scoop of your relationship.

Only you know if this woman is worth the effort and the risk, and as you can possible guess, we all post based on our personal experiences, so our feedback will be influenced by it.


You know in your heart and your head what you want to do, what you're prepared to do. Our heads and hearts seldom agree, and when they do, they don't tend to lead us astray.

I agree with you tipping up to a point. But unless I read it wrong they've been together 3 years. If after 3 years they still don't know where it's going then I have a bad feeling about this. Just my view

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