[NeuroticallyNormal]

Now, my sister is a controlling woman raised by a very controlling jewish family. God bless my mom, but she was a suburban neighborhood gossipy housewife, with all of her gossipy housewife friends.

She passed away when I was a teenager, and my sister, being four years older, kind of picked up some of the slack of her role with my father and I. She is a good sister, has always been there for me, and I would consider us having a close sibling relationship. However, she gets into my business way too much, and now that I am growing older and seem to be starting the process of starting my own family, my sister gets, to me, unreasonably overbearing, and I think it's really annoying my girlfriend.

My girlfriend has tried very hard to be close to my sister, I've expressed to her it's important that the two of them try to get along, but she seems to be resisting now because my sister has been shutting her down. My girlfriend and I went through a rough patch after I moved from a different state to be in a city closer to her and her daughter. We've separated for a 3 month period, and are now, that the dust has settled, in a good place and giving it another go.

My girlfriend is four years older than me and has a daughter with her ex husband, so there are the issues of a custody battle going on now. I think my sister's looks down on her because of this, but if I've learned to not care about it, then I would think my sister, if she really wants to be my sister and FRIEND, would understand too.

How do women work when it comes to situations like this? There is definitely a power struggle between these two dominating/controlling personalities. I love them both, and I think they really would get along if my sister could learn to put her guard down a bit. My sister is pregnant now, and expecting her first baby any day now. Is that going to help? Perhaps they will have that in common? They haven't even spoken since we're giving it another go, which is fine, but I would like for them to talk. Do I just let it go and let it naturally take it's course? Or do I step in and let them both know how important it is to me? I think they both know, but maybe a reassurance, especially from my sister, would be nice that she understands. She says things that make me feel like she's not in OUR corner. Like she's another obstacle in our relationship. I don't want that.

I have made it a point to become friends with her husband. She says it's because we like each other so much. Well, yeah, and I made it a point to open my arms for him into the family. She's fooling herself if she thinks I've never doubted their relationship. I just don't show it to her. I don't see the point.

[sabby]

Hi NeuroticallyNormal!

Welcome to PC. You have an interesting situation, but not one that is abnormal at all.

IMHO, it looks like your sister has taken on the role of "mother" in your life. Maybe at the time your mom passed, she took over that role because she loves you and wants what she thinks is best for you. Of course, as you have grown older, it's hard for her to let go of that role she has taken on.

You are kind of stuck in the middle here between sis and gf. I can see you are doing your best to keep the peace between them, and I know that's not an easy position to be in. I think it would be wonderful for you to express to each of them how much you love them and appreciate them both. Gently letting sis know that even though she has been a great sis and you love her for everything she has done for you, that you are now and adult and need to make your own decisions. Even if those decisions are not what she feels are in your best interest, you need to make them and succeed or fail, whatever it's going to be. That's how we learn and grow. Hopefully now that she is about to have her own child, she will be busy with the little one and not have as much time to think and worry about you and your life.

If along your journey, you have made some mistakes in your life, I can understand her being worried about you. If you have talked to her about the split with your gf and spoke in derogatory ways about the split, maybe she picked up on that and is worried you are making the same mistake again.

Of course the best time to speak to either of them about this is when they are in a good mood and you start it off with a positive statement and not accusing them of anything. Maybe, if you are more comfortable with writing, you can write to them instead of speaking face to face.

I wish you well with this age old problem. I hope your family can find a way to come together and accept each other.

Take good care!

Hugssss
J

[NeuroticallyNormal]

Thanks. That was really good advice.

My sister is an extremely emotional person, especially lately with her being pregnant, which also happened just 3 months after my dad died. She seems to break down in tears very easily, and as other brothers who only have one sibling and she's female, feel an obligation to protect his sister. It's tough. I don't think I should be a cause of tears. I find myself having to be stern and even argue to get through at all, but she has a lot on her plate right now juggling work, my dad's cleanup %#@&#!, and getting ready for their first kid. I also don't want to add to that plate. I am stuck trying to define boundries I guess.

I guess I REALLY need to start focusing on the gentleness you mentioned before we talk about it next. Perhaps that's where I'm going wrong with this approach. Perhaps brothers and sisters are just supposed to argue. It's in our nature. Who knows?

A side note. I get the feeling from her unconscious attitude of me not wanting to settle down with someone that she may be unhappy in her relationship and just won't admit it to herself. She has even been critical over how affectionate my girlfriend and I are, and how her and her husband aren't PDA people so they don't get it. Well, how is having an affectionate girlfriend hurting my happiness? Isn't that what someone who is my friend should be concerned about. I don't get it.

[sabby]

Wow, it sounds like you all have a lot on your plates right now.

Gentleness is a good thing. Even when frustrated at the situation, if she is overly emotional, anything but gentleness would only enflame her emotions. I wouldn't be surprised if even gentleness would enflame them right now. It's a hard call for sure.

If she is having issues in her marriage and taking it out on you and your gf's happiness, that really isn't very fair. Maybe you can turn a deaf ear to some of her comments, knowing that her hormones are raging right now with the pregnancy and all. If seeing you and your gf be very affectionate in front of her is bothering her, maybe you both can agree to back off of that in front of her for awhile. Not that I think being affectionate is bad....but sometimes we just have to back off a bit to calm the situation.

I"m also wondering if there are some responsibilities that you can help her with to help take some of the load off her shoulders?? Maybe she is feeling very overwhelmed and could use a bit of a break. You may already be doing that for her, I don't know, just a thought.

When all else fails, a big gentle hug when she is raging and you are feeling stressed with her might do wonders. For when we are upset, to have someone we love let go of the anger and show love instead is just what we need to get over ourselves

I wish you all well

Hugssss
J

[nothemama8]

don't forget, she maybe having issues with not wanting to lose you , you are the family link since your Mom and Dad are gone

[Wants2Fly]

I don't know anything about this kind of situation, but it sounds like you are a caring, sensitive, person who is doing just fine with all this.

[NeuroticallyNormal]

She's definitely having issues with losing me, she's told me, and I explained to her very sincerely that I'm not going anywhere. I'm just growing up, that's all. When my girlfriend and I split up, her first instinct was to bash her, even though I was not particularly bashing her. I stuck up for my girlfriend, and I think my sister noticed and backed off a bit. I explained to her that I need her to accept whoever I choose into my family into her family, because really... she's all I have right now. I have no parents, grandparents, or children. My dad was an only child, and my mother had one brother who is a complete %#@&#!. My father hated him because he always hated my father for moving my mother and us to a different state 20 years ago and could never let it go.

I can't have that happen to us. I can't let my sister do what my uncle did. I want Thanksgivings and vacations and birthday parties to be shared together throughout our lives, with our kids playing, and the four of us hanging out together. The week my dad died, and my girlfriend took a week off of work and a week away from her daughter to spend with me, to spend with us, my sister was SO GREAT to her. We all got along, we laughed and cried, we cheered each other up. It was great. Then, all of a sudden, when I had a really busy time with juggling my work and relationship and couldn't call as much, she started getting bitter towards my girlfriend. I guess I just expected more out of my sister than that. I still think she considers me a kid who needs someone else to make decisions for him rather than an adult, and it angers me so.

She did this same thing with my ex, kept her at a distance, but I wasn't as into my ex as I am this one so it didn't really bother me. So at least I know it's not my girlfriend, it's my sister. I just wish she could learn to lighten up. She never seems happy anymore. She used to be full of life. I hope this child changes that.

Thanks for all of your comments.

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((((((((((NN))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You sound like a wonderful brother, and wise too.

I hope that once your sis has the baby, her hormones will quiet down a bit, and maybe her marriage will get better and life won't seem like such a struggle for her.

I understand how her hold on you can make you angry at times and frustrated. I'm sure you do your best to keep calm and try to remember it's because she loves you. These things will hopefully work themselves out with love and patience and understanding. Even though I know at times its so hard to be that way.

I wish you all well

Hugssss
J

[Wants2Fly]

Seems like it's time for your sis to have an attitude adjustment. There's an old saying for a mom -- I haven't lost a son, I've gained a daughter.

It's time for your sister to realize she hasn't lost a brother, she's gained a new sister.