Is it possible to truly know someone?

Hi everyone, I am hoping for some feedback with a concern. Lately, I'm plagued with worry that it's not possible to truly know someone. I think it's not possible to a see a person the way they see themselves, or to see the world through their eyes. Accordingly, words are very inadequate to convey the emotion one feels. Moreover, people behave differently in various circumstances, which makes it more difficult to get to know someone. I don't think it's possible to know every turn of someone's thoughts, every nook and cranny of their mind, their little idiosyncrasies and innermost thoughts. To sum up, I feel alienated from people around me.

For context, I was in a relationship two years ago in which I got to know my partner very intimately. We shared our most private and sensitive thoughts with each other. Maybe I feel alienated today because I haven't felt connected that way to anyone else. However, I also feel like I don't want to get to know anyone. In that relationship, I found out things about my partner I didn't like and I'm wary and vigilant of getting to know people because I might find out something that makes me uncomfortable. In fact, I don't even see the point in getting to know someone.

Yet I'm lonely.

Being lonely is a good reason to get to know someone new.

I think we pretty much get to know people as well as they know themselves, sometimes better. Some people are more perceptive than others and read people real well. Some are clueless. Some don't really care.

If you are looking for a relationship where you'll never be uncomfortable, you'll never discover something about your partner you didn't know, that simply doesn't exist. That honestly doesn't exist in any relationship.

You can get to know someone pretty well, but sometimes people don't even know themselves all that well. Let's face it; we are all evolving in our self-awareness, our goals, our lives. I've been with my husband for 29 years now and am still learning him and he is still learning me because we aren't static beings; we are constantly changing and getting to know ourselves and each other. That's the stuff of relationships.

Oh, I'm not referring to relationships. I have the same thing with friendships. I'm often uncomfortable around people.

There's nothing more upsetting than when you think you know someone and then BAM one day they turn out to be someone else. Perhaps someone ugly even. It can definitely hold you back from future relationships. For example, up until about a few months ago I thought I knew my bf on every level. He's definitely seen every side of me and my personal struggles with MI and I THOUGHT he was a supportive, understanding person. Until he got sick for a few days and was hospitalized. I tried to be there for him but went home to sleep. This made him so mad he lashed out and said the most hurtful things to me. He attacked me personally and I was shocked! And then a month ago he came out and said he didn't believe in MI and thinks everyone can control their emotions. I was completely blindsided and felt plain stupid after I went through a major depression and an IP stay. At the time he was there for me and never once spoke bad about it. And when he came out and completely belittled me and my illnesses I was confused, hurt, felt cheated and even embarrassed. I had to take my own time and evaluate this relationship and think if I should even be with this "new" person. Even today I sometimes wonder why I still stay with him. But we don't ever bring it up. I chalked it up to ignorance and accepted that he just plain doesn't understand. And sure it's made me think about everyone else around me. Are their thoughts like his towards me? Do they find me weak too? It effects everything!

Are you seeing a therapist about these issues. Perhaps you have some leftover resentment holding you back from reaching out to others. And in reality, not ALL people are like this. But it still does effect how we see the world.

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I was seeing a therapist provided through my university, but their mandate is short term counseling and I'm out of sessions now. It was ineffective, anyway.

Why do you think you need to see the world from someone else's eyes to like them, and convey the emotions one feel toward them adequately?

Knowing people to the core is a continuous and a long process, and probably cannot be achieved as everyone has their unknown dark secrets, thoughts, and experiences. Only the days and circumstances will reveal a person gradually to a certain extent.

But I believe people's basic traits that dominate their personality can be known with proper probing.

You don't have to be alone because of a life's fact that every one is a unique person.

Was what you knew about your partner the reason you ended the relationship with them?

I don't have any interest in getting to know anyone. I feel like there's no point since there will always be something I don't know about a given person. I got to my know my partner so well, it was probably scarring, leaving me unable to feel and open up to others. I don't feel like I need to know someone to the core to like them.

Friendships are relationships. Can someone know you completely? Will you never change? Will you never discover something about yourself you previously didn't clearly know? Will you never reveal something to others that previously you hadn't? You are as changing and unpredictable as anyone else. Why do you expect the impossible from other people? They cannot stay static for you. They cannot possibly reveal completely everything about themselves to you. I hope you can work on how to accept people for the changing and unpredictable beings that they are. Are you working on this type of thing in therapy perhaps?

Yes, you probably did know you partner well, but the point is that even the people we know really well will surprise us at times. It is impossible for that to not happen. The question is whether what you discover is simply a new facet of that individual or if it is something about them that you simply cannot approve of. That can happen as I suspect it did with your partner, but that does not mean every new piece of information about a person will always be negative.

You are right, there will always be something you don't know about the other person. But would you judge people by their past or present? See if they are now loyal, honest, kind, loving, considerate, ..., etc. You don't have to know every little thing about them. This is my opinion.

I'm not in therapy any longer. Haven't been for some time. It was something I found out that I didn't approve of. I don't think I mentioned anything about static and unchanging. That's not the issue. The issue is not wishing to connect with people yet being lonely and unable to reconcile the two.

I don't think so but I've no faith in my feelings on the matter.

Care to elaborate?

I don't think it is possible to really know anyone because I think there is always a private part to every person. Furthermore, I don't think people really are anything, other than their behaviour, thoughts and physicality at any moment in time. Everything can be changed or broken. It's all constructed and put on like clothes, layer by layer - personality, likes, love, behaviour. It can all be stripped away so there is nothing to know really except what front a person chooses to wear at one time - which could easily change. It's a facade of convenience to hide the empty centre.

But I've no faith in my feelings as I'm someone who suffers from poor mental health and the sort of feelings that go along with that.

So - no, but I've no faith in my feelings.

I've got poor mental health as well, so I can definitely agree with you on that last point. One other concern I have is that people put on different personas depending on the people they're with or the circumstances they're in. I do the same thing, so I don't know which of those performances is truly me. Or am I something else entirely?

Or nothing at all other than a creature that affects whatever pose seems most comfortable at any given time? Peel off all the layers of likes, loves, personality and what's left? People are actors I think. The ones who do best seem the most adept at it. The trick is fooling yourself into it all as well as others.

Again....these may just be the thoughts of depression.

Were these behavioral traits that you didn't like?


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Some things the person did prior to our relationship came to bother me.

Sounds like a tough bind you're in. Lonely yet a friendship is no good because of their past.

Plus I'm left wondering about the knowing every detail every thought concept.
No, my belief is that leads to vicarious living where you give up your own identity because the other persons thoughts and reality consumes us. Almost like a sci fi novel .

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Knowing people will lead you to two conclusions: either they are generally good people, or they are generally bad people, whatever good and bad mean to you. If they are good, stay with them, if they are bad, leave them. Knowing is good. Don't fear it, and live your life.

Well my partner knew me very well so perhaps I could say she was consumed with my issues and personality because we were so close. Some of my friends have advised me to know myself first before worrying about knowing others. What's your take on that?

Have you ever read the "Art of War"-Sun Tzu?

Famous quote, "Know thyself, Know thy Enemy."

My take is it's sage advice.

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I hate people and feel like they deceive. So, yeah. I feel ya. You really don't know who people are anymore. I don't make friends anymore because I don't trust them.