[cureav]

Hi everyone, I would like to ask you a question:
I am having an affair with a merried woman, she is the one who always call and make suggestions, she take me into bed and give herself to me whole, sex is great. So I am 'the other man'. But I am single and I'm begining to hide everything about us to get some more. Also, her principle thet we have no future has trapped me. I developed some emotions and I get that she has a husband and a son and now and affair and have isolated life. I am a person who can't say no. I would do anything to make others happy and my needs and wants are for me the last one in the row.
I don't know why I can't end this and try to find emotionally available woman.
She for sure has unredressed marriage problems and sometimes I feel her denial, but somehow I want to stay and fix her problems even then I would be left alone. Haha this affair makes me feel more lonely than if I was without it.
Any suggestions how to end this?

[TishaBuv]

Just say NO. This affair is not doing anyone any good. Do you want a jealous husband to come after you? You deserve better.

[nicoleflynn]

It isn't that you "Can't" end it it is that you CHOOSE not to. You cannot fix any of her problems, and now......you are one of her problems. Get some therapy if you feel you don't know how to end it, and then work on yourself to begin to make good decisions for yourself, etc....good luck!

[divine1966]

I really don't understand how you are planning to fix her problems if you are in fact part of that problem. Step away and look for single women

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[Webgoji]

End it now.

[avlady]

i also say end it now!!

[Ocean Swimmer]

You haven't replied to any of the suggestions,so I don't know how you feel.

I've never had an affair with a married person. But while living with someone I wish I wasn't living with,I stepped out.

But it began with a Psychiatrist that was sexually taking advantage of his position and abused me for almost a decade. Also got me strung out on drugs( opioids)

So it became easy to screw around. I was over sexed party due to the opioids.
For 17 years.
So if you want to have one person and get married you could ask this woman you're seeing to divorce her husband and marry you.

Now that I'm a lot older,I don't think I'd have sex with someone I wouldn't consider marrying.

I know. An extreme position.

Good luck. Stay on track with work on your self esteem.

[Patagonia]

Do you really wanto end this? Because you're going to have to go cold turkey. She will ask you to come back. You'll need to explain why & then break all communication so you're not tempted to go back.

[IceCreamKid]

You could call her husband and tell him what is going on. I imagine that will put a stop to it very quickly. Or you could just think to yourself how you would feel about getting a call like that and that might make it easier to stop seeing this woman.

[healingme4me]

Well, I don't know what to say.

See, I was Burned this fall because a single guy went off and did just this as we were forming a friendship that could have led to more.

Hmmm...well it's really no surprise that this is the type of end result. There's truly not much literature out there about why this happens. Lots about other women in affairs but not much about other men. But this one article that discusses low self esteem as part of the culprit.

Sounds like she's got her claws into you?

Best of Luck, whatever decision.

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I am sorry, but you are not trying to fix her problems, because you are not saying no to her cheating. My suggestion is to stop seeing her, which is good for her and her marriage, and start looking for someone single, like you, to love and for her to love you back, to fill the emptiness that you feel.

[cureav]

Thank you all for answers.
We both came to another country for work and after a period of time of loneliness it wasn't hard for us to get really close. She likes me and we really enjoy our friendship but she leads a second life back home. Today she went home for 5 days and she said to me that the main reason she is going home is to see her son - her husband and her family of origin aren't important to her.
Maybe married people here could better understand her. She is 11 years with her husband.
I had my last relationship 3 years ago. Since then I am single - desperate for human touch. I know that the most healthy thing to do would be to end it and find available girl, but currently no girl on my radar. I would like her to end it when she comes back, cause of her morality towards her marriage, but I won't do it cause it feels good being with someone at least temperarely.
She say sometimes that I should find myself a girlfriend, but on the other hand, she keeps me for herself and is jealous towards other females.
I don't know. I was never in this kind of relationship. Thanks

[divine1966]

You know she sleeps with her husband when she goes home right? Is this ok with you?

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[cureav]

Yes. I am the other man.

[Patagonia]

So it sounds like you enjoy being with her. There is a physical need there for you. I can totally understand that. I've walked in your shoes!

The issue I ran into is that feelings will start to manifest. What if you want more from her? What if you wanto be with her in a full relationship?
Then serious decisions will need to be made. For both of you.
Is she willing to walk away from a marriage?
Are you willing to accept her if she is? Do you really know ea other outside of the bedroom?

It's a huge step.

Only going from what you wrote it sounds like she is in this marriage bec of her child. It doesn't sound like she wants to give that up.
So would she be willing to leave her marriage & take the child with her? Can she financially do that? What about her husband?

Many many issues surround the outcome of this relationship. Right now it sounds very physical. So you both might think "why should I give that up?"
But are you able to compartmentalize your feelings knowing that she will always afterwards turn back to her family.
Do you have serious feelings for her?

This is where lines get drawn. Some people get into quick affairs bec of physical reasons. A need or want.
But if you've been having an affair for awhile it's hard not to develop feelings.

I'm glad you're looking down the road as to what might eventually happen. Most don't when it comes to affairs. Serious damage to many can be the result.

I think you really need to talk to her & ask her where this is going. If she says she doesn't know I'd table the question & wait til you got an answer.
Bec there will be heartache. I guarantee it.
Just my opinion, but I totally know your situation.

[PsychNitrous]

I had an affair with a married man, off and on, for a few years. It started for similar reasons, I was alone and craving physical touch, he was unhappy in his marriage but wouldn't leave because of his daughter. I know I started developing feelings for him early on, but he noticed quickly and put a stop to things. For a while. After a few months he started contacting me again, and I was sucked back. This time I knew to keep my feelings hidden so he wouldn't leave again. It was horrible for me. I felt so un-cared about and used, because it was only about the sex. I even gave in once and used him to cheat on another guy I was in a real relationship with, which ended that.

After I broke things off with him, I thought I would never find someone again. But it wasn't long after that I met my current boyfriend, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't remember if you mentioned how long you've been single for, and I know it's hard to do, but being in a "real" relationship is so much more fulfilling. Your partner is devoted to you, and you alone, rather than just using you for escape or for better sex than she is getting with her husband.

[cureav]

Patagonia, thanks for sharing your experience. I could tell you a lot about her, even we are having this affair for only a month now. She is a Muslim, what I don't like, but she never speaks about it. You're right, this leads into a normal relationship but we both know that she can't leave her son and his biological father and her huge family. She won't make those huge changes that's for sure. But I also told her that we should our relationship give boundaries and real definition cause without these someone will eventually get hurt really bad.
If you ask about my serious feelings about her, I don't know cause she talks so little about herself, her husband and her history, so I really don't know her real character. All I know that it feels good being around her and I miss her today.
I don't know why the feelings becoming stronger when we both know how limited our relationship can grow. When I ask her and tell her that it's painful not being allowed having plans for future with her (cause I am single), she say 'lets just enjoy while it lasts'. Damn. I need to build something in a relationship and on the other side she cannot build anything.
I saw her pictures of her family and it is so perfect. I just wonder why is she doing this with me, there must be some problem in her marriage...
PsychNitrous I can feel your words how more fulfilling relationship is between two single people.

[Ocean Swimmer]

The need is there for both of you.

If you found someone else to Love, would you still feel compelled to see this woman?

I also wonder if there's extra excitement and intrigue for her, as being Muslim and committing adultry has the death penalty in some societies. Plus in history. Being stoned to death. Drowned. Other bad scary stuff.

[redflag32]

You really have to find an emotionally available woman and then it will be easier for you to say no. I hope it will be as soon as possible. You deserve better for sure.

[cureav]

Ocean Swimmer, that's a really interesting point. Somehow, I can't say no. I can speak about lots of things, be rational and responsible, but when she suggests me 'something', I just can't say no. I will be saying NO to a pleasure, understand?!
But as I've already said, I am really terrible in saying No, cause it gives me huge feelings of guilt, rejection and abandonment (I guess an issue from my parents).
There's a conflict - when we are together in bed, everything's fine. When we see each other during the day, she makes me jealous, pushes my buttons, emotionally triggers... as if she want's me to keep me for herself but through manipulation and hurt.
You're right about the religious thing - she maybe feels the need for freedom from all those Muslim norms for women, and now, in more open society and country, she can enjoy that, but challenging all that maybe gives her a fix.
In short, after 3 years of being single, now I have often a hot sex. This is hard to give up. Even she is not my type, flirts with so many men, she receives a lot of presents, the main thing she can give is her look through clothing and sex (when I see her boots - I don't want to be seen with her in public), no moral principles, no emotional respect... I beg her silently to stop calling me.

[eskielover]

You are being used & getting sex for payment & giving it to keep getting it.......hmmmmm.

Having sex with a married woman is WRONG......it's called adultary & it doesn't matter if you are getting the sex you want out of it.....it's still wrong & there is no part of it that is right.

It's NOT that you can't say NO.....it's that you won't. We all can say NO.....it's whether we choose to say no that is the issue. You are actually the one being used because she's keeping you hanging around & using you for what she wants when she wants it even though you see your benefit as sex, you are still emotionally tied to her through the sex & she's got you wrapped around her finger.

If you said NO, she would probalably just go out & find someone else but the bottom line is that you are playing with fire & YOU are going to get burnt. Sex will blind your intelligence if you ALLOW IT TO....& you are the one allowing it to happen.

Is this REALLY who & what you want to be because you are defining yourself in this way & you have a choice if this isn't what you want for your life.

[cureav]

I am not financially exploited. Yes, it is adultery and it is wrong.
You are right about:
"being used because she's keeping you hanging around & using you for what she wants when she wants it even though you see your benefit as sex, you are still emotionally tied to her through the sex & she's got you wrapped around her finger"
even it doesn't feel that way, this is a spot on! Thanks!!
Your last sentence is big. Great post! Thinking about it..................

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by cureav

Any suggestions how to end this?

I wasn't sure how to read your last response to this thread, considering you had labelled a post of mine about the meme she had sent to you, as unjustifiably so....sarcastic.

Hence, my not being certain what emotion just went into your last post on this thread...


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