[Strive4health]

All my life, it's been difficult to meet my mom's expectations and I always felt like I never measured up.

I'm over 30, an adult, with my own life and yet she continues to make comments which are deriding, rude, and insulting. The last time she insulted me and made very off-color remarks were in front of everyone last holiday. Of course, when everyone was seated for dinner. Ugh.

My mom is WELL aware her comments and insults are not welcome and she knows they're not nice things to say. My siblings have talked to her about the way she speaks to me and nothing changes. My siblings tell me our mom didn't grow up in a culture where people needed to use etiquette speaking to each other, and how she doesn't have the ability to use a "filter." IMO, I call bs on that because I see the way she speaks to others and treats them...and it's always so much nicer.

At this point in my life, I manage depression well and have few triggers. But my mom has said things to me that have caused me to end up in deep depression, affecting my health, academics, energy, etc. I've told her the things she says aren't welcome or very nice. There were times where I flatly said "this isn't up for discussion anymore." Of course, she accuses me of being "sensitive" and complains how she's my mother and she should be able to tell me what she wants.

I know this isn't going to end. My family has a lot of major events going on this year and I will definitely have to deal with her. What I don't understand is why I allow myself to get such hurt feelings over her stupid words. I don't have to please her anymore or win her approval. I think most of the time I'm just so shocked by what she says I don't know how else to react.

Like what does she say to you? and why do you think she just picks you to tell you all these unpleasant things?

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by Nickname

Like what does she say to you? and why do you think she just picks you to tell you all these unpleasant things?

My mom has told me my life amounted to nothing, why doesn't my face look nice, I'm getting fat, why does my hair look bad, what good am I to the family if I couldn't give her a grandchild, etc.

She picks on me because she can. Don't all parents believe on some level, they should be able to do these things to their kids? I no longer think about the why. I want to learn how to deal with her and have her words slide off my back.

Originally Posted by Strive4health

My mom has told me my life amounted to nothing, why doesn't my face look nice, I'm getting fat, why does my hair look bad, what good am I to the family if I couldn't give her a grandchild, etc.

She picks on me because she can. Don't all parents believe on some level, they should be able to do these things to their kids? I no longer think about the why. I want to learn how to deal with her and have her words slide off my back.

I agree. These comments are not nice at all. I asked you the why question because you said she is nicer with others. May be you are passive with her, that she gets the impression that she can continue this way. But confrontation with parents is a bad idea usually. You need to find a way to respond politely to her. Agree with her in a way, and ask her questions about what she means, and what she suggests. The other option is to stay a way from her, which as I sensed is not a viable option for you. You cannot change her by telling her to change. You need to be wise. Do you live with her?

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by Nickname

I agree. These comments are not nice at all. I asked you the why question because you said she is nicer with others. May be you are passive with her, that she gets the impression that she can continue this way. But confrontation with parents is a bad idea usually. You need to find a way to respond politely to her. Agree with her in a way, and ask her questions about what she means, and what she suggests. The other option is to stay a way from her, which as I sensed is not a viable option for you. You cannot change her by telling her to change. You need to be wise. Do you live with her?

Oh HELL no I don't live wit her, lol. I'm married and living away from her has seriously been one of the best things to happen to me. I've lived away from her before I got married too, and even though life was stressful as a young person living on their own it was way easier than dealing with her.

I'm actually very direct and I'm not afraid of confrontation with her. I've cut off communication with her, but it's not a strategy that seems to work as she continues back into her old ways.

I actually don't ask my mom for suggestions because they usually involve her saying more not nice things. My mom isn't fond of my husband who is a different race and she made a very racist comment about him. She intended her comment to be a suggestion about how my life would be better without him.

OK, I see now. So that is the reason she picks you, to make you feel bad and guilty. But if you don't live with her, and see her on occasions, cannot you just ignore her comments? I see this is the best way, because if you confront her, she will become defensively offensive and attack you more.

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by Nickname

OK, I see now. So that is the reason she picks you, to make you feel bad and guilty. But if you don't live with her, and see her on occasions, cannot you just ignore her comments? I see this is the best way, because if you confront her, she will become defensively offensive and attack you more.

What's strange is my siblings confront her, and she leaves them alone. Hmm.

I wish I could say I could "ignore" her comments, but from what I've noticed other people sometimes find them funny. I don't know if they laugh out of being nervous, uncomfortable or whatever. But it's happened.

Originally Posted by Strive4health

What's strange is my siblings confront her, and she leaves them alone. Hmm.

I wish I could say I could "ignore" her comments, but from what I've noticed other people sometimes find them funny. I don't know if they laugh out of being nervous, uncomfortable or whatever. But it's happened.

It is a dilemma. If you answer her comments in front of others, you will be perceived as rude and impolite, and if you didn't say something you will be embarrassed. Talk to her in private, or imitate your siblings if what they do work. You should've done this a long time ago, but it is not late.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Strive4health

All my life, it's been difficult to meet my mom's expectations and I always felt like I never measured up.


I'm over 30, an adult, with my own life and yet she continues to make comments which are deriding, rude, and insulting. The last time she insulted me and made very off-color remarks were in front of everyone last holiday. Of course, when everyone was seated for dinner. Ugh.


My mom is WELL aware her comments and insults are not welcome and she knows they're not nice things to say. My siblings have talked to her about the way she speaks to me and nothing changes. My siblings tell me our mom didn't grow up in a culture where people needed to use etiquette speaking to each other, and how she doesn't have the ability to use a "filter." IMO, I call bs on that because I see the way she speaks to others and treats them...and it's always so much nicer.


At this point in my life, I manage depression well and have few triggers. But my mom has said things to me that have caused me to end up in deep depression, affecting my health, academics, energy, etc. I've told her the things she says aren't welcome or very nice. There were times where I flatly said "this isn't up for discussion anymore." Of course, she accuses me of being "sensitive" and complains how she's my mother and she should be able to tell me what she wants.


I know this isn't going to end. My family has a lot of major events going on this year and I will definitely have to deal with her. What I don't understand is why I allow myself to get such hurt feelings over her stupid words. I don't have to please her anymore or win her approval. I think most of the time I'm just so shocked by what she says I don't know how else to react.

I can relate to your post, I'm having the same problems with my father and I'm 40.

My dad even offered to go no contact with me as a way to solve the problem and I was hurt and shocked.



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The most difficult thing I ever did for my mental health was to walk away and sever
all contact with my toxic family of origin. It wasn't easy, but it is doable, and sadly
sometimes that's all we can do to minimize their impact on our emotional well-being ...



I understand that not all of us are able to do this, and when that's the case, then the
only other option is to set strict boundaries and have as little contact as possible!

[bosschick]

My mom pulls this kind of stuff too. It took me a while to find what works for me. I tell her firmly and with a strong voice that her comments are not appropriate and not welcomed and if she is able to stop being so nasty and treat me like an adult, I will be happy to stay and enjoy the family. Otherwise, I will be on my way. Then I ask her which it will be. Put it back on her to decide.
When she is at my house, I change that last part to "I will have to ask you to leave". It usually shuts he up without engaging her in further conversation. If she keeps it up, I tell the rest of the family and guests goodbye and leave. I have had to do that 2x in the past 5 years. The rest of the time she goes off and pouts. Fine with me!

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