My mom is pulling me down

BlueCrustacean · Feb 06, 2016, 10:10 PM

This backstory has turned out to be a bit lengthy, so forgive the exposition:

Growing up, my parents never really had a loving relationship. My dad was always very pushy, stressful and critical, and my mom was always very clingy, low self-esteem, permanent victim-mode, etc. They fed off of each other's negativity and only polarized each other the whole time they were married. They finally divorced when we were all in our late teens, to "spare" us the stress of doing it sooner. My mom was extremely devastated about being "dumped". My dad really didn't have much money to give in the form of alimony or child support, so we moved out of the house and lived with my mom's parents, our grandparents. As the years went by she CONSTANTLY expressed to us how horrible he was, how he "abandoned" us all and threw us out on our asses with no money to starve (because she was a homemaker who now suddenly had to get a job to support herself), how it was important for us to know how bad he is so that we never get hurt by him too.

For a while, since I did resent how critical and on-edge he was, I let her influence me completely against him. I allowed myself to sit there listening to all the stories she told about how he wronged her, cheated on her, never respected her, always flirted with other women in front of her, etc. This is all still true, but they say that divorced parents are not supposed to criticize their exes in front of the kids. If that's the case, my mom has failed utterly and miserably at this. She became completely helpless and I started feeling like a parent to her, instead of like a child. I would often think to myself "there is no parent here right now with my siblings. There's just another child here that I have to take care of. We're all children fending for ourselves."

Now, several years on, my sister and I still live with her in our mid 20s, and I've been on and off with jobs (off for the longest time in a while now, still looking for jobs). I have big ambitions, but kind of feel like I've been spinning my wheels in my 20s so far, just floating between entry level retail jobs and unemployment that my mom never had too much disagreement with.

My dad reached out to me several months ago and said that he wanted to go on a little trip with me, just the two of us, and we could get to know each other better and settle any grievances I had with him, because I did admit that I still resented him. We hung out in Southern Utah to go see the arches, and between all the long driving, we talked. At first it was just little things between awkward silence, and we agreed on political ideas, so that was a good chunk of conversation. The next drive in the early morning he explained his side of the story and that while he may not be perfect, and may have been hard to get along with, he's actively working on changing his ways, and that his new wife has helped him to become more respectful and sensitive.

He turned the discussion over to me and asked me what I'd like to say to him, and air out whatever I wanted to say. I certainly didn't feel like chewing him out or anything to his face, so I just said that lately I feel like I've been stuck and not doing that much with my life.

From there he immediately launched into a long rant of his own about how my mom was pulling us kids down to stay with her forever and make her feel better and never encouraging us to leave the nest, get jobs and be functional adults- how she bought extra pets to make us feel bad about moving out and leaving them, and all sorts of little things to hang onto us "like tentacles". Honestly, this idea was a shock to me, but made a lot of sense. He asked me if she ever told us to get jobs, and I said yes. He asked if she ever told us to move out and find places of our own, and I said no. He shook his head in disappointment and said, "That's what I mean. That's insane."

He was already on her pretty hard, so I didn't have the heart to tell him that she also always seemed visibly upset and betrayed whenever we DID mention the idea of moving out on own own, and that she absolutely would be more than happy with us living with her for the rest of our lives.

He also vented his sense of anger, disappointment and betrayal at her for pulling us out of public high school and enrolling us in online high school without consulting him because "the education in the sticks is terrible", so that we could stay home with her. He was also angry that she let us quit jobs and not get new ones immediately. It was kind of a revelation for me- but it's also sad that both my parents are content to bash each other in front of us. To be honest, I believe both of them for the most part. But now I'm starting to realize how my mom is trying to make me feel bad about living a life of my own and "abandoning her".

Yesterday my sister chewed her out for bad-mouthing our dad in front of her (she's the daddy's girl), and that scientific studies show that it badly affects children of parents who badmouth their exes in front of their kids, and to that accusation my mom constantly justified herself and defended her resentment. Then later on her errands with just me, we started discussing it again and she literally told me "your father divorced us". I told her he didn't divorce us kids, just her, and she said, "but he abandoned you. He abandoned us."

It's really upsetting to face total confirmation that she's poisoning me and manipulating me into being her servant for my whole life.

Today my sister revealed that instead of staying here trying to finish school to get her Bachelor's degree, she'll take some time off, move to Vegas with dad and get a certificate to travel the world teaching English, which she's wanted to do the whole time and why she's going to school. During this whole discussion, my mom told me that I can't move out now- I have to stay with her and help her while my sister leaves so that we don't all leave her at once.

Honestly, I wish I was the first to be moving out and my sister could be the one who has to deal with her toxic, clinging low self-esteem, but it's me. I've never lived alone. My sister lived in an apartment for several months and then moved back.

I don't want to rush to move out until I'm more financially secure and gainfully employed, but HOW do I keep living with this woman, when I know she's influencing me to be scared, pathetic, low-achieving and attached to her hip for the rest of my life??? It just sucks. I hate that I have to deal with this. I hate that she WANTS me to feel guilty and responsible for her mental health and happiness. She constantly says she wants us to SUPPORT her- financially, emotionally and otherwise.

healingme4me · Feb 06, 2016, 11:21 PM

Sounds like an eye opening time in your life.

What if something presented itself to you as an opportunity? Something like teaching english or other avenues and your move was close in time to that of your sister, would your mom be able to put her big girl pants on and realize you deserve to experience life outside your parents home, her home?

Can't say that there wouldn't be a created rift. I even had a rift with my own mom from in my 20's. There were some passive repercussions in the decade after, however an independent life is an empowered life.

Sounds like these realizations come at a good time in many ways.

Weren't the Arches amazing? Saw them, myself this summer. Along with Canyonlands. I had the four corners type of roadtrip/camping experience.

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yagr · Feb 07, 2016, 03:11 AM

I'm betting that through all of this, you've thought about how you'd be a different kind of parent than your folks have been - especially your mother since that's what you are faced with every day. What advice would you give your own daughter if she was in such a situation? Of course, that'll require some mental gymnastics because your daughter couldn't be in that situation unless you were playing the part of your mom...but try it.

Here's my take on the situation: Like attracts like. Your mom and dad were equally immature, their respective immaturity manifested itself differently, but they were compatible at one point - at least to the extent that two emotionally immature people could be compatible in the type of relationship that requires maturity. They both did their best and their best stunk. There's no reason for resenting someone who did or is doing their best - especially because it only hurts you, and you did nothing to deserve pain from their union.

You either choose to be the parent in this situation and parent her or you be the child and live your own life. So, if you're going to be the child in this relationship, then you'll have to accept that you're a grown child and grown children go off and live their own lives. If on the other hand, you choose to be the parent in this situation, then it's high time your 'child' got some tough love and was forced to accept some responsibility. Like your dad said,

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From there he immediately launched into a long rant of his own about how my mom was pulling us kids down to stay with her forever and make her feel better and never encouraging us to leave the nest, get jobs and be functional adults- how she bought extra pets to make us feel bad about moving out and leaving them, and all sorts of little things to hang onto us "like tentacles". Honestly, this idea was a shock to me, but made a lot of sense. He asked me if she ever told us to get jobs, and I said yes. He asked if she ever told us to move out and find places of our own, and I said no. He shook his head in disappointment and said, "That's what I mean. That's insane."

You agree that this made a lot of sense. Either you get out and live your life like a functional adult - or parent her by making her get out and live her life like a function adult (i.e. without her children taking care of her emotionally). It sounds like your mom doesn't have relationships as much as she takes hostages.

ComfortablyNumb5 · Feb 07, 2016, 04:54 PM

It sounds like your dad really just needed to get out of there. Your mom sounds completely overbearing and needy. Especially at the very end when you said that she wants you kids to support HER. A parent needs to help there kids thrive and start a life of there own. It seems like you are the one mothering her. I would move out asap and get on my feet by any means possible. You said that you've been more so off work than in and your moms ok with it? You need to find where your own lack of motivation comes from. Maybe from her? I'm an adult in my late twenties and even though I don't live at home, my dad always has nagged me to thrive and be an adult. Especially when I'm sick from my BP with no motivation at all. Although it's annoying, it's probably healthy to an extent. But I admit he has seen me go down the rabbit hole a few times. You can either stay with your mom and continue to be dependent on her or you can get a job and live your own life. I would chose to get away from her.

As far as the bad mouthing your parents go to each other, your correct that it isn't right. My bf's ex wife is a drugged out lazy mess but I never talk bad about her to his two young boys. Sure I do to him. He's another adult. But when he even starts to speak down about her in front of the kids I stop him. Her on the other hand will talk bad about me and him to the kids all day long but they aren't dumb. They don't believe her and hate when she does it. Even though they're young, they're smart. They recognize bad mouthing as jealousy and childish.

Does your mom have any type of MI that makes her so unmotivated and dependent? Can you talk to her about seeking therapy? I wish you the best of luck and hope you can get on your own two feet soon and get out of there. Don't ever take her guilt tripping seriously or prevent you from becoming your own person!

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BlueCrustacean · Feb 07, 2016, 08:49 PM

My mom broke down completely in tears last night because she went to her boyfriend's daughter's new house, which was really cheap and in her eyes, depressing and ugly, and he complimented his daughter on FINALLY living within her means. This apparently really upset my mom, on top of the fact that my sister plans to move away in the next few months.

She literally has not grown up. She moved into a college apartment with some roommates she didn't like for a brief time in her 20s, but my grandparents let her stay at home for as long as she wanted, and she only REALLY left when she met my dad and quickly married him, who spent about the next 20 years destroying her self esteem even further.

She always complains about how she always wanted to be a homemaker and never wanted to have to support herself, when suddenly she was divorced and now HAS to get a good job and support herself, and good paying jobs are hard to find. She points out that her sister is still married and so SHE doesn't have to worry about money troubles as much, although she still teaches, despite being married.

I had her listen to some self-esteem affirmations last night, but she told me she fell asleep within the first few sentences. Honestly, I don't want it to be my job to coach her into improving her self-esteem, but her life is REALLY gonna go down the toilet if she doesn't change her negative victim attitude soon. I'm afraid that if I left her, along with my sister, she'd go off the deep end and it would be my fault.

But I know, it's not my fault. I'm not the parent. I need to get away from her so that I can have more healthy surroundings, but it's hard when you don't have a job yet.

Granted, she's trying to learn, *sometimes*. She said last night, after some sobbing, that she didn't want us to feel obligated to stay with her, and that we can go if we want. She just makes it abundantly clear that she'll self-destruct when people "abandon" her. She makes it all about herself. The more I write about it, the angrier and more disgusted I get about how screwed up she is. I'm trying to have sympathy and understanding, though.

I'll do my best not to end up like her. I'll get a job, get an apartment, support myself, DO things that scare me, like the above I just mentioned, so that I never become dependent, fearful and victimized later on in life.

I'm wondering, though, if it would be a good idea to make her get therapy.

spring2014 · Feb 07, 2016, 09:32 PM

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