[jamminpianogirl]

Hi,

My husband and I are newly married since last November. We have a wonderful, playful and positive relationship 95% of the time and rarely have a serious conflict. However, when we do have a big conflict it is almost always about the same thing: I can't seem to talk to him about my struggles and feelings without him getting angry or defensive. I think it comes from a well-meaning place; it's as if he takes it upon himself to fix all my problems, so if I say I am unhappy he takes it personally and feels attacked for not being good enough for me. I try to explain that he is absolutely wonderful and does not have to fix, nor can he fix, all my problems. But we keep having this same misunderstanding. For example, after getting married I lost most of my friends (they were mostly male and likely backed away out of respect), and some of the remaining friends I have also distanced myself from out of respect for my husband's insecurity. This is not his fault but simply a part of transitioning into marriage, which I explained to him - hopefully I will find new, female friends, or learn to be content with a more solitary lifestyle - but in the meantime, I get quite lonely and sad. There are times when I want to confide in him about it, but every time I do he gets angry and defensive and it only makes matters worse... so the result is I am afraid to open up to him now and I have completely shut down about expressing my emotions. The same issue has popped up at times in regards to discussing work matters (we are both full-time musicians and work together on occasion), and perhaps most notably, a recent trauma I experienced being drugged at a bar that I feel completely alone in facing. I am starting to feel very distant from him not being able to connect to him about my emotions and am afraid that resentment is going to develop; on top of the fact that I have no friends to talk to about any of these things at all and am feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Help!

Jammin

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Do you at least have a therapist you can turn to? Maybe you both should see a t together and they can help you through it. My situation isn't exactly like yours (I've isolated myself long before my bf came along anyways) but whenever I try to talk to my bf about my MI he flips because he doesn't believe in MI. Since you're on this forum I'm guessing you also have a MI? How does he act towards that? How would your husband act if you spent time with your old friends? Did he want you to stop talking to them or was it your doing? Sorry, a lot of questions lol. Im guilty of dropping people when I'm in a relationship because I make my SO my best friend and devote all my attention towards them only. It's probably not healthy either. I would reconnect with my friends (if you even want to) whether by phone, text, inviting them over or out. I would confront my SO about them getting defensive and ask them why they are getting that way. Everytime I bring up my issues that I'm having towards my bf he just plays the blame game and comes back at me with what IM doing wrong. Yea it doesn't make it easy I admit. But I'm going to stick with the therapy idea and try to get out more before you lose your friends for good.

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[jamminpianogirl]

Thank you RxQueen for the response. To answer your questions:

I do have a therapist that we have been seeing together about our communication problems; he is lukewarm about it, so it's helped a little, but I know what it comes down to is that I can only change myself so I think it might be useful to make some individual appointments too.

I struggle with depression, anxiety, and the big underlying PTSD. I have a lot of sensitivities and anger issues revolving around my past traumas that have been revived recently and I am trying to work through them, and he wants me to forget about it and move on and acts offended if I don't.

He gets jealous of the remaining friends I have, and at times his insecurity and trust issues get the best of him, but I really appreciate that he is trying his best to accept the one remaining good friend I have. I feel like I am walking on eggshells though and have even pushed that friend away quite a bit.

I can relate to the blame game that you talk about with your bf, it is very frustrating because it is important to talk about your needs and feelings so that you can come to a solution as a couple but how is that possible if your partner attacks rather than listens? I think you are right about sticking to therapy and I hope I can try to find a balance with friendships and reassuring my SO about his insecurities.

[Rose76]

I think you are making a huge mistake in giving up friends to placate your husband's insecurity. (I'm talking about the female friends.) I watched my mother spend her life doing that to placate my father, and all it did was turn my father into a worse person.

Your husband cannot possibly meet all your needs to have someone to confide in. I'm not a believer in married persons having close, confiding relationships with persons of the opposite gender, unless that is as couple to couple. But it is extremely unhealthy for a married couple to relate only, or mostly only, to each other. The two of you will just dwell in a mentally stagnant place.

You are doing your husband no favor with this approach. The best way for you to help him in his insecurity is to provide him with something healthy that he has to adapt to. A loving spouse can greatly help a person to grow and mature. Give your husband credit for having the potential to grow.

Cultivate female friends for yourself. Do not report to your husband on every conversation you have with such friends. Doing that just enables and encourages him to be insecure.

The approach you have described is you adapting to and accommodating his unhealthy tendencies. That's a recipe for regression for both of you. Instead, turn the tables. Engage in healthy interactions with others, and let your husband learn he has to adapt to that.

[healingme4me]

It's not for you to sooth his insecurities. It's really disconcerting to hear how Isolated you feel from your friends. Glad to read that you're working through this with a therapist.

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[selfawareness35]

I have been married for almost a year and I can totally relate to your struggles. I can't share my feelings with my husband because when I do he responds with anger and yelling. Not to mention he is not supportive, caring, or compassionate about my MI. He also believes it does not exist. I have decreased the amount of time I sleep or spend in bed greatly since we got married but I get lectured often if I take a nap. My husband has no friends or hobbies and does not believe they are needed to be balanced in life. I feel trapped and unhappy often. I struggle with adapting to this new environment. I lived in primarily a urban area and now live in a rural area. Any suggestions for better communication?

[Bill3]

some of the remaining friends I have also distanced myself from out of respect for my husband's insecurity. This is not his fault but simply a part of transitioning into marriage

Quite the contrary, this is his fault--he needs to be able to deal with the fact that you have friends outside of your marriage. I agree with Rose and healing: you are making a big mistake in allowing his insecurity to control your friendships.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Please don't take this the wrong way and I'm only going on what we do know about him. I'm not saying he's a bad person. Now that I read that he does get mad when you're around your friends, I have to say that this is somewhat manipulative and emotional abuse and also controlling. I think you need to try and talk to him about him being in one on one therapy because it sounds like he has some underlying issues there. He needs to work on why he does these things to begin with. I'm guessing this talk will not go well but these kind of actions will only get worst as time goes by. And you've only been married a few months! I'm really sorry you're going through this but he's the one that needs the therapy. The convo may not go well but it needs to be said. Maybe bring it up in a therapy session so you can have someone there to intervene when he does get defensive towards you.

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[Bill3]

With regard to seeking his help in understanding and dealing with your emotions: it seems that you are seeking something that he is not capable of providing at the moment.

I agree that you seeing a therapist individually could help you recover and heal. If he were willing to try to overcome his insecurity and defensiveness, he would be wise to see a therapist individually as well.

he wants me to forget about it and move on and acts offended if I don't.

It sounds especially awful to me that he expresses so little interest in seeing that you get help for dealing with your traumas, including particularly the recent one. "Forget about it and move on", plus taking offense if you don't, are not appropriate responses to a loved one's trauma.

[divine1966]

I am sorry I don't understand how this is positive and good relationship if he doesn't support you in your struggles and doesn't want you to have friends. He is controlling you and possibly emotionally abusing you. How long you two dated? Was he always this way?

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[Ocean Swimmer]

I was engaged to a man once who kept me isolated from my friends. He was battling an addiction. His story was, when I get clean we can't let anyone know. It will be an embarrassment.

So I didn't even tell my mom. It made things 100% harder on me.

Ps. He never got clean. I told my parents. They said they'd help me cut myself loose from him.

So beware.

[jamminpianogirl]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your husband cannot possibly meet all your needs to have someone to confide in. I'm not a believer in married persons having close, confiding relationships with persons of the opposite gender, unless that is as couple to couple. But it is extremely unhealthy for a married couple to relate only, or mostly only, to each other. The two of you will just dwell in a mentally stagnant place...

Cultivate female friends for yourself. Do not report to your husband on every conversation you have with such friends. Doing that just enables and encourages him to be insecure.

Rose76 thank you for your response. The problem I have right now is that I don't have ANY female friends, and my only remaining friend is a male. He is the guy who brought us together, and we are all friends, but lately my husband usually declines when I invite us all to go out together. I understand why he's uncomfortable if he's not there, though, since it is a male friend. I am desperately trying to find female friends, but it's hard because my work and hobbies are male-dominated and so far the couple women I've found are not interested in hanging out or even texting on a regular basis. I also feel I don't know how to get along with women because I grew up with brothers, boy cousins, and even my mom grew up with all brothers and is probably more masculine then feminine, haha.

Basically I understand his discomfort, but I am slowly driving myself mad from isolation and I don't know how to find the kinds of friendships he'd be okay with.

[jamminpianogirl]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry I don't understand how this is positive and good relationship if he doesn't support you in your struggles and doesn't want you to have friends. He is controlling you and possibly emotionally abusing you. How long you two dated? Was he always this way?

Divine1966, he wasn't always this way. He does want me to have friends, but again the only friend I have is an old male friend and he'd prefer, understandably, if they were female. There have been a few rough spots where he seemed really mad or suspicious, but the worst was when he was drinking and now he is sober. So he does tell me it's okay to go out with friends, it's just that at times his insecurities have gotten the best of him so I feel I'm walking on eggshells.

In regards to not being supportive about my struggles, it's something that never came up before. We've been together a year and were acquainted for about a year before that, and I've been generally very happy over the past several years of my life. Dealing with this recent trauma I experienced was totally unexpected, and is probably is painful for him too so I understand why he doesn't want to talk about it. But yes I didn't expect him to be quite so cold about it; he says in his eyes he is just trying to snap me out of a dark place, but for me (I know from experience with my past traumas) I need to process it and address it before I can go back to daily life.

[Bill3]

I don't know how to find the kinds of friendships he'd be okay with.

He should not have veto power over your friendships.

By refusing to join with your one remaining male friend, he is in the process of cutting you off from that friend.

I am slowly driving myself mad from isolation

In my view, he, not you, is slowly driving you mad from isolation. He is suffocating you emotionally and spiritually.

[Bill3]

I don't know how to find the kinds of friendships he'd be okay with.

He should not have veto power over your friendships.

By refusing to join with your one remaining male friend, he is in the process of cutting you off from that one remaining friend.

I am slowly driving myself mad from isolation

In my view, he, not you, is slowly driving you mad from isolation. He is suffocating you emotionally and spiritually.

[divine1966]

You have many excuses for this mans inappropriate behaviors

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[Zbeara]

Originally Posted by jamminpianogirl

Hi,

My husband and I are newly married since last November. We have a wonderful, playful and positive relationship 95% of the time and rarely have a serious conflict. However, when we do have a big conflict it is almost always about the same thing: I can't seem to talk to him about my struggles and feelings without him getting angry or defensive. I think it comes from a well-meaning place; it's as if he takes it upon himself to fix all my problems, so if I say I am unhappy he takes it personally and feels attacked for not being good enough for me. I try to explain that he is absolutely wonderful and does not have to fix, nor can he fix, all my problems. But we keep having this same misunderstanding. For example, after getting married I lost most of my friends (they were mostly male and likely backed away out of respect), and some of the remaining friends I have also distanced myself from out of respect for my husband's insecurity. This is not his fault but simply a part of transitioning into marriage, which I explained to him - hopefully I will find new, female friends, or learn to be content with a more solitary lifestyle - but in the meantime, I get quite lonely and sad. There are times when I want to confide in him about it, but every time I do he gets angry and defensive and it only makes matters worse... so the result is I am afraid to open up to him now and I have completely shut down about expressing my emotions. The same issue has popped up at times in regards to discussing work matters (we are both full-time musicians and work together on occasion), and perhaps most notably, a recent trauma I experienced being drugged at a bar that I feel completely alone in facing. I am starting to feel very distant from him not being able to connect to him about my emotions and am afraid that resentment is going to develop; on top of the fact that I have no friends to talk to about any of these things at all and am feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Help!

Jammin

I am in the same position. I'm in your position and the girl doesn't understand when I express myself. It's not very common that this situation is flipped, so you can probably guess how much help I get on it. We're not married, but we dated for 4 years and now we're just friends. I really want things to be better at least as friends but I don't think it will. But my mind is just shutting down more and more by the day. I think it's really bad for me. So...I understand how you feel. I wish I knew how to help but I am not feeling very good right now. I'm currently at one of my low points.

[Rose76]

It sounds like you need to be seeing a therapist about processing what you've gone through with the drugged drink. Your husband may genuinely feel he has nothing further to offer you in terms of discussing that incident.

I'm surprised that you want so much to talk to male friends about your issues. Generally speaking, men do want to problem solve, in contrast to women, who are more understanding that, sometimes, a person mainly needs to emote and be empathized with. In my community there is a wonderful warm/hot line that I've used when I've needed someone to talk to. It is staffed by wonderful male and female volunteers. I've been amazed at how consistently men and women differ in the way I described above. Sometimes, when I've mainly needed empathy, rather than problem-solving, I've known to just cut the call short, when a male volunteer answered the phone. Are there ever exceptions? Yes, but they are the exception. I think your life would be enriched, if you started to cultivate female friends. If that doesn't come natural to you, all the more reason to get started on that before you get any older. Working with a female therapist might be a way to start.

If what you feel would best meet your emotional needs is for you to get together one-on-one with a young, unmarried, male friend to confide your most pressing emotional issues, then I am 100% supportive of your husband objecting to that. It is not an approriate bond for a married woman to be developing. A man would have to be a fool to not find that threatening.

This comes up quite a bit in threads on this forum - the issue of a spouse not being okay with a partner keeping a close confiding relationship with a single, young, opposite-gender friend. I think not being okay with that is a perfectly natural reaction. This is not to say that you have to wear a burka and never make eye contact with a male who is not a close relative. But there is a level of familiarity that a married woman cannot expect to have with single males and have her husband be just fine with that. (Same goes for married men needing to accept limits on how cozy they can get with single, female friends.)

If the man in my life were to tell me that he was meeting a female friend for coffee, so he could get some emotional support, I would tell him not to expect to find me home when he returned. Confiding in someone about your experience of emotional trauma is apt to lead to intensifying intimacy. Generally speaking - and there can be exceptions - this kind of sharing is asking for trouble.

Maybe what you are wanting to do is different from what I am envisioning. Please correct my misperception, if I'm not understanding you correctly. You have every right to cultivate friends, but being married does put some constraints on that, which you are wise and to respect.