I Wish I Could Be Shy Again

I'm almost 50, and was pretty darn shy in jr and high school, but soon after, started forcing myself to be more open..... I suppose it did have some benefits, in that I did get married, but....

I honestly miss being shy. I kinda miss just doing my own thing, content in pleasing only myself.

Anyone else start off shy and then change, but miss being shy?

I've been making an effort to be less open with people. I'd like to keep to myself more. Assertiveness is fine, but I'm over sharing my thoughts with people.

Do you want to switch? But seriously, I know people want to be more social. You want to roll back to shyness. Interesting! I'm not sure if you can find books on how to be shy, as shyness is something not desirable, in general. Some people call it a disease, like Jim Rohn. But I understand the part of over sharing. When I talk, I do that. May be it has something to do with ADHD or Bipolar. Cannot you just be present without being involved? I think this way you won't be alone, and at the same time won't share too much.

I think it's that I am naturally an introvert, but because of some external (and maybe internal) pressure, I made a deliberate effort to be more outgoing. Now it's almost a compulsion for me to share my feelings, and I wonder if I wouldn't be more happy in my natural introverted state.

I see other people, who appear to be happy, quiet, assertive introverts, and I'm a little jealous.

OK, there was a pressure that made you to be outgoing, now are they still there? I mean what does prevent you from becoming introvert again? I think introversion is something good. But introversion is different than shyness and social anxiety.

I see your point. I think I was using shyness as a synonym for introversion.

I don't want social anxiety.

Of course you don't. It's a life's wrecker.

Yeah, overtalking is an issue. The embarrassment I feel afterward (or the fear I will do it again) might be called social anxiety...

I like the idea of being present without being involved.

I'm not so sure shyness and keeping to yourself and doing your own thing are related. I just don't think being able to choose to be a part of groups or do individual things is tied to it. Shyness only forces one to have difficult time interacting even when it's necessary. relying on a passive trait like shyness to make choices for you like whether or not you are open with others just seems kind of backward to me.

Introverted personalities can and do learn to be outgoing when they need to be but that doesn't necessarily make them become extroverts. Typically an introvert that has the skill of being able to outgoing sstill remains introverted, and I wonder if that's the case with you. If it is you still have the need to recharge a lot when you do go out of your way to interact in groups. I dunno, is that the case with you?

Even so as I already said I don't think being introverted in the most understood sense is necessary, just learn to say no when asking to be a part of a group more

Is it that you've shared things with people who haven't really gotten you? If you are open with the right people you might feel more fulfilled.

I get energy from being alone. But, when I am around people, it's like I have a compulsion to talk, and I feel embarrassed because of that compulsion.

What I'm trying to say is that I enjoy spending time alone... and yet, I find myself in situations where I'm with people and find it hard to be quiet. I see other people around me being quiet (in group settings), and I envy them.

Not so much this. It's more like I just talk about whatever is on my mind....And I wish I could keep it in.

I've thought about writing books and articles as an outlet. I know it would be cathartic.

Why do you wish you could keep it in? Why would writing it as books and articles be better? Doesn't that have to do with finding your audience? Does it have to do with getting paid for your knowledge?

I wish I could keep it in, because I feel embarrassed. With books and articles, I could even remain anonymous, if I like.

And the point is, I don't care if I get paid, or even if I have an audience. I'd just write, because that's what I enjoy doing.

And perhaps the audience part is part of it. Sometimes, in social situations, it's like I'm forcing people to listen (because they're stuck in the classroom, or party or whatnot w/ me) and I don't want to force anyone to do anything.

Writing would be better because I'd be anonymous (so impervious to reactions), I would be free to explore any topic I like, for as long as I like, and I wouldn't be forcing anyone to pay attention to me.

Thank you for that explanation I get it more now Still I think recovering shyness isn't really the solution but resolving what is causing the compulsion to talk. That, Unfortunately I am not sure how to resolve. I myself am socially awkward and find the opposite although I can speak in public it's not easy.

Is it a defense mechanism.......the compulsion to talk?

Identifying the cause of your compulsion to talk and trying to find ways to redirect that energy/feeling or change it would be much better than becoming an introvert again.

Are the compulsive things you say relevant to a situation? Random? How do you know people are actually annoyed by you? Talking a lot doesn't automatically make you annoying, if what you say strongly supports the topic- or if you start the topic- it is something people want to discuss and they will also engage and you wont be left hanging.

unless what you say is difficult to engage with or out of place, too abstract, or unrelated to the orinigal course of the conversation, and also if you repeat things, etc. If a lot of what you say ends up being rather close ended, it can also be difficult for others to continue the flow of a conversation and you end up the only one talking.

Do you have any problems with your attention span? People with poor attention spans, or people who think several thoughts at once are more likely to trail on in a conversation and lose peoples interest in the conversation as a result.

What I'm trying to express, is that I'd love to find an outlet for my need to talk about whatever I need to talk about for as long as I like. To explore topics and possibilities.

I do like to have some input from an audience. But, for now, it seems I need to be sensitive to the fact that I may be holding people hostage, in that they can't get away while I'm talking (in the situations I'm referring to).

One possible solution is to write books and articles, then publish them, so that, if the audience likes what I'm saying, they can pay attention, if not, they can dismiss me.

My preference would be to become the type of person who is attentive to the situation, and is cautious about how he is speaking to a captive audience. All the while thinking about the topics that come up, so that he can write about them later.

Another option is that perhaps I shouldn't care so much....and also think about and react to the reactions I get in real life, and also use them in my writings, and continue to behave as I am currently behaving.

I don't remember the last time anyone made an obvious reference (request, observation, complaint, criticism, etc)to how my speech was coming across in a group. But, I think there may have been some subtle hints, and it's the possibility of those hints that is giving me pause (and it's possible that my own embarrassment is also an accurate form of hint).

Kudos to you for having the self-awareness and picking up on subtle hints, I think writing articles sounds like an excellent idea for an outlet for these topics you are enthused about.

I have been in group situations where one person takes over and it can cause resentment, as a facilitator this can be hard to deal with, but I have literally talked over people to draw in quieter group members (not easy for me as a quieter person myself, but it has to be done for the over all good of the group). I wish everyone had the self-awareness you have!

I had to leave a church because of an overbearing pastor. He just talks SO much!!
I get triggered back to the dominated child.

I do feel an anxiety about saying or doing the "wrong thing" in public. I admire comedians their ability to say and do outrageous things, and yet not feel embarrassed.

I both fear and desire the ability to say and do outrageous things without apology or embarrassment.

I think my struggle may have arisen because I remember that I've said and done things in public that I later regret...usually because they go against my morals. So, I don't quite trust myself to always say and do the right things. It's like I know I need to think about and moderate my actions and speech, in order to prevent myself from saying or doing things that I might regret.