I had more happen.

Ok, I met a girl I'm friends for a little while at a hookah bar who works there. Well she's super close to me now.

I'm in a conditional relationship, it's be close friends and have sex. It's working we smoke together and really enjoy each other. What I am getting what I want is being close to somebody. She's really nice, she's had more sex experience than me it doesn't bother me the least.
She makes sure I'm ok. That's what I was looking for, but we won't be dating. It might be a polyamorous relationship, but I might not go for it.

I've been having a dilemma internally of forever not caring to look or feel I want love. Like I've told her, I'm beyond exhausted. I don't care I don't need love to be successful.

I'd rather be single with all the money to do what I want love comfortably where is no object. I would love simple and be comfy being content with my life alone.

I'm afraid of being responsible of someone and deal with me growing up and have kids not my plan at all.

I don't feel it's fair. So I won't do it.

I've only had feelings for the side of her I'm searching.

Like I want a companion not a gf, not a wife none of that no soul mate. I don't care for it.

I just afraid of losing her so temporary and quickly because she's really nice to me. She's a great friend.

I'm afraid of losing seeing her because of us being a hookup relationship. You know in the future if it turned into a relationship her parents would hate that's a first to me, but I knew it's hard to feel like I'm close but it's not real because it will disappear fast.

I hate this culture like seriously. I just don't belong here she treats me like a person. She makes sure I'm not alone. I'd be sad if I'm doing this again. I don't have anyone to hold or feel I belong. Not at home or anywhere, but I'm so sick of being misjudged by everyone. Btw I'm not ok.

What do you mean by I'm not okay?

Love comes in many forms. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Not everyone is marriage material.

Perhaps just take it one day at a time? Enjoy her now.

I'm not into that.

I just am scared of the emotions I feel. It hurts alot in the fact it feels temporary. I'm of course enjoying it to the fullest, but my feelings of the abandoned self and the side people mistreat me. Feeling I don't belong and having to struggle for small brief happiness isn't fun or great. I really struggle with that logic with emotions and all kinds of relationships .

I feel everyone will leave me and the fact I feel likemy value is based on my body and my emotional state or how much I have. It's never something not conditional and conditions are great just. I needed something specific I'll never get and I want to die many days because I don't want accept it for what it is.

I am. Thank you.