[Lazarus16]

Hey everyone! I'm making this thread because I've been obsessed with contradictive thoughts for years. I often looked for help and despite seeing improvement, the underlying contradictions remain. You see, I'm 26 and have been single for the last 14 years. For many years, I desperately searched for a girlfriend but now I found out I actually adore being single and here comes the contradiction : while I've been telling myself for years that I want a gf (because I kinda want one...), I enjoy single's life way too much to do anything that could put me in danger of getting one. Yet, in my mind, I can't want and not want a girlfriend, that's not very logical... I wrote ''danger'' because I had 2 long-distance relationships for 2 years (from 2009 to 2011) and I sacrified so much for not so much in return. It was always a big story to see my friends, I seemed to never have time to live my passions and I hated that. I felt as if I was losing my time and ultimately, wasting my life away. That's why I quit my last gf in 2011, to rebuilt myself. I had terrible relationships so I took that alone time to work on myself but I didn't expect to enjoy it so much... and now I could really live alone for the rest of my life! lol But I think the fact I never had sex is messing with my mind and is kinda trying to force me into getting a girlfriend but I don't want one, I mean, I don't know if I want one or not, anymore...

Everything is relative so don't take what I'm about to say, in the literal way but single, I enjoy the absolute freedom. I can do all I want, at any time I want, I owe nothing to anyone and I can work on my passion, ALL THE TIME! Of course, I miss kissing girls and I'd like to know how sex feels but I don't want to fight with girls anymore, I have no time for that! I love mathematics and intellectual's stuff. I often try to find solutions to people's life, I help others, I do lots of programming, I love building things! I workout 3 times a week, I work a lot on myself and making my life and those of my friends better. When I finish something, I jump on the next project and I adore this way of living. I feel accomplished. I'd get into a relationship but then I wouldn't be able to keep doing all I do. I build huge worlds in Unreal 4, I want to re-build old games in the best graphics possible so I leave a mark onto this world. These games will survive my death and I'd much rather do that than spending a night on the couch, watching bad sitcoms with a gf. I'm so independant, I feel no girl in her right mind would want to date me! LOL I'm not cheap but I got scalped so much by past gfs, I hate to spend money on girls, I don't like to do much sacrifices anymore and I don't have much time for relationships. :P I also have zero interest in being a ''player'' and I wouldn't say no to one nights but I refuse to spend fortunes to get drunk girls.

So... what's your verdict? lol Were you in my shoes, would you stay single forever or force yourself into a relationship even I don't have time to play games and so much to do?

Thanks!

[divine1966]

What if you find a girl who shares your interests? Not every woman watches bad sitcoms or any, or likes to fight or gets drunk, there are plenty of girls who might like same things you do. You might enjoy doing things together. Also you don't have to spend a lot of money on dating. Certainly not a fortune. You don't need to sacrifice much unless of course something happens like health problem. My verdict is to consider s gf who might have the same interests as you. But then again its ok to be single too

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[eskielover]

Some people should stay single & shouldn't feel guilty that it's how they tend to feel. Honestly the guy I married NEVER should have gotten married. Too into himself & never grew up. There was a reason for it I figured out after I finally left the bad marriage after 33 years of fighting & tolerating him. Honestly I thought I never should have bothered with a BF let alone get married. I had goals & likes & dislikes that didn't lend themselves to being tied down to a BF let alone a H. I wanted my computer engineering career, never wanted kids. I didn't mind socializing some but growing up an only child I didn't NEED anyone to make my life complete.....

I know NOW at the age of 63 that if the REALLY RIGHT person had come along that a relationship would have been much easier...& the struggle to have a reasonable & even a REAL relationship with the person I ended up with made life hell & was impossible in the first place & my attitude towards him in the first place with all the personality red flags I saw & talked myself out of really destroyed it from the beginning.

He had no idea or capability to emotionally connect to anyone & the dysfunctional family & parents who also were incapable of emotionally connecting never taught me how....though I have found out that now I am completely out of that environment I am capable of connecting even though my lacking skills are being worked on.

But when one is in that state of not connecting, relationships are too much work & too much trouble to waste ones time on & sex shouldn't be casual in the first place because of the complicated emotional connections it creates especially when one isn't wanting that in the first place or maybe even capable in the second place.

If someone comes along that you feel like you could connect to then be open to it but otherwise, you really aren't missing anything if that's really not where your mind is in the first place

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Lazarus16

... would you stay single forever or force yourself into a relationship ..?

There's a middle ground you know, one where you aren't single and aren't forcing yourself into a relationship. If you try to shoehorn yourself into a relationship it's not going to lead anywhere. On the other hand, if you let one develop naturally where you both enjoy being around each other and both contribute, then it can be a great thing.

So what I'm saying is stay single as long as you have to force yourself. When it doesn't require that, then it's a good start to a relationship.

[Patagonia]

So you've been single since you were 12. Wow! Really?
Personally I don't know many dating & sexually active 12 yo but I guess they're out there.

You're only 26! There's tons of things to do on this big blue marble than have a gf. Look at the bigger picture here & not try to pigeon hole yourself into what society thinks you should be doing.
If you come back here when your age doubles, you don't have a gf & you're a virgin then it might be time to talk strategy.
Now....go have a blast!

[TerriLynn]

Don't force yourself into a relationship, when you meet someone you want to spend time with, you will know, and that will be more important that the single life. No rush, take your time.

[Perna]

Being in a committed relationship does not mean you cannot do what you want, are not free. Most of the stuff we imagine is just that, imagined and not true for the actual experience. Try to replace some of your thinking/imagining for curiosity about the actual experience and live instead of thinking about living.

[divine1966]

Good point. Living rather thinking about living. I never gave up my hobbies in any relationship. There is no need to do that.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TishaBuv]

You're 26 and I think the way you feel is very normal. You're not ready for a commitment. Watching boring sit-coms, lol! My husband watches The Bachelor with me!

As for not wanting to spend any money on girls. I think you shouldn't be cheap, just don't spend more than you want to.

Do you have a degree/career in engineering?

[Lazarus16]

Thank you very much everyone for all your answers, I mean, woww!! There are so many! Re-reading quickly my initial post, I wasn't sure if you people would understand my situation because quite frankly, it wasn't so clear in my head ...but I'm glad you did.

Looking at all your wonderful replies, many things come to my attention. First, I feel guilty for being single but I should not be. My father, her gf, friends, my mother, my family at family meetings, they're always all asking me if I made a girlfriend and I get y'all, it's so badly seen to be single in today's society. Actually, were there a time it was NOT the case? lol In the 40s to the beginning of the 60s, in my province, people were extremely catholic and it was a sin for a woman to not have kids. Or for a man to not have a woman. I'm not catholic but all that to say, I think it was never well seen to be single. Then again, this is MY life and like Daria said in episode 65 of Daria, ''it's my life, it's my choice''. For some reason I cried when she said that. LOLL

Second, I'm still young and shouldn't worry about being single forever ...not until I'm 52, at least. Hahahaha! I mentionned I'm an intellectual, I think about a lot of things and I often wonder these existential questions. Will I regret not having kids? Will I miss the love of my life by staying single? Will I this, will I that? I now realise I try to predict the future TOO MUCH and since the future cannot truly be predicted, I'm worrying for nothing.

Third, it would be a mistake to force myself onto a relationship right now. At the light of your posts, I am CLEARLY not ready for a good, FURFILLING, stable, relationship. Also, I'm about to get my teeth repaired, I will have tons of debts to repay, I will have to work A LOT to repay them and after that, I'll be studying computer engineering for 3-5 years so not the best time for a relationship... I wouldn't say no to the right girl and I sure could use the support, I'm a very nice guy, I always took great care of my (few) girlfriends and I'm sure we'd have fun but I simply won't have much time and I don't want to waste anybody's time...

Oh well, I believe I'll stay single for the next 4-6 years, get my teeth repaired (got injured playing hockey, lost a tooth right in the front so I don't smile so much anymore, 6 need to be extracted, it's going to cost me a fortune in implants but it hurts like hell, I've got to do it, no other choice), finish my studies and then, if I'm ready, I'll see if a girl can make me be in love again...

Thanks everyone, it's very appreciated and I wish you all the best. Take care!

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You're 26 and I think the way you feel is very normal. You're not ready for a commitment. Watching boring sit-coms, lol! My husband watches The Bachelor with me!

As for not wanting to spend any money on girls. I think you shouldn't be cheap, just don't spend more than you want to.

Do you have a degree/career in engineering?

LOL, The Bachelor. I had a teacher at my high school that participated to The Bachelor. She was SOOO BEAUTIFUL, I once told her ''I know I'm just 15 but I'm cuter than the bachelor, will you go out with me? HAHAHAHA!! She said I was too young... ) I watch old sci-fi series like Stargate SG-1 or the very old Star Trek serie with William Shatner. Or other old series like Batman with Adam West and Burt Ward. Daria, the spiderman serie from 1994.

Mmh. I get you. It's just that I bought a 400$ book about Jimmy Page to one of my ex and we never even had sex though she knew I desired her very much (so frustrating) and I kinda remained with a foul taste in my mouth. I'm not the type of guy that's in it just for the sex but I have a huge libido and I can't help it, that's a part of me. I realise not ALL girls are like my ex but still, I need more time to digest it...

Kinda. I had one but we ran out of contracts so I was laid off. I don't have a degree in engineering so it will be really tough to find another job as an engineer without the degree. I'm now starting studies in computer engineering, when I get the degree, I'll be able to build things and get paid for living my passion. A win-win situation!

Thanks for the support!

[Katieissweet]

I would say get involved with a gamer girl,she might encourage you in your pursuits.
It's nice to have support,that's the main reason I think relationships are beneficial.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by Katieissweet

I would say get involved with a gamer girl,she might encourage you in your pursuits.
It's nice to have support,that's the main reason I think relationships are beneficial.

I'd love to Katie but last time I dated anyone, I was in grade 6 LOLL and 14 years later, I'm so out of touch with today's dating. I told you I went 900 kms to meet a girl... that was 5 years ago and the the truth is, I suffered a huge traumatism when I realised she would never come. For some reason, I kinda became broken in love and since then, I changed so much. I used to be romantic, I used to know what to say to girls, what to do with them, nowadays, it's like I forgot everything and became a completly different person!

After lots of therapies, I came to the conclusion I suffered a severe traumatism and to protect myself from further rejections, my brain somehow changed me, to protect me and I'm having real trouble getting a girlfriend. I get all sweaty if a girl I like gets close to me and because I was abused physically and sexually during my childhood, I get scared if I think things will get physical. It has never been in the case in 14 years and I'm still a virgin but I'm scared, just thinking about it. I want to have sex ...because I have needs but I'm so uncomfortable, I haven't been touched by anyone in so long that I embarassed just by holding hands and I'm not gay but a trucker ex-work colleague once joked about me in his truck by touching my tight (trucker joke that all truckers are perverts) and I got so embarassed, because of the sexual abuse I was victim during my childhood.

I'm trying to find solutions to ''repair'' myself in love but it's not easy... it's very abstract, I'm not too sure what to search, where, it's cloudy in my head.