I don't know if I can go there - help!

Okay so I'm sort of still going through a rough unrequited love situation. I needed to start with that before I told you that there is somebody else who seems interested in me. I know this because she comments on all my Facebook posts in a very positive way. This would be good if I thought we had a lot in common. First, judging from her posts, she is religious - I'm not. Second, she has a child which would be very difficult for me to deal with (I'm pretty needy). She seems like a real sweet girl and I don't want to disappoint her. I would love to have some attention right now to get my mind out if this swamp it's been in for months. My gut feeling is that I should leave it alone because on the surface it doesn't look like a good situation for me. I could sure use a good friend right now but I don't know if I could put her on any kind of pedestal while still being consumed by previous demons. Wow this is so ironic because strolling off into the sunset with someone is probably exactly what I need. Thanks

How are things between you in real life? How does she behave with you when you are together? This might be a better gauge of her intentions than her facebook comments.

The thing about facebook/online communication is that intonation and expression isn't there - and some people have a certain style - I have some facebook friends who sign off every comment with a kiss for example. Not saying she isn't keen on you but just that her face to face behaviour would be more accurate.

Good luck finding that certain someone, Macd123!

Yes, well, the someone who has a child, already, sounds like you should pause and give this a lot of thought. Despite the attention and signals you're getting on FB, the presence of a child is a big concern. You can dismiss it, but children are important, and if you are ambivalent about dealing with such, just be friends with this person and move on.

I should add, I work with the local Supreme Court in teaching parents of divorce about dealing with their children. It's no small thing, entering a relationship with a potential partner who has a child.

Actually I have seen her in real life and she gives out very positive signals. I'm no expert but she makes good eye contact and smiles a lot. I've been giving this a lot if thought because I ain't young and having to deal with a child wasn't really in the cards at this point. Also, like I said I'm not sure if we're soulmates but she is attractive. I'm probably not going to persue this because of all the reasons I've stated - shame because I really like the attention. Thanks all.

She's not 30 years younger, is she?

Yes but I didn't initiate this - she did. Like I said I'm probably not going to act on it but it's an opportunity regardless. Life is getting short.

Mac.... Commenting on, liking pictures on fb, and making eye contact and smiling?? Those are not indicative of anything except a friendly and polite person! Goodness. By those standards I must be leading on a whole lot of people.... Coworkers, students' parents, friends, family.....

Ask her if she is interested in more than a friendship. Then you'll know. If she says no then sure that will be awkward for you but at least you can end another unhealthy fixation before it really starts.

I'm going to ask - have you done ANY of the things I've suggested to help you? Have you tried to join in to any social activities involving people your own age? Any? Even one activity that is actually demonstrative of people wanting to interact with others socially. Especially one that is repeatable. In all of your posts... You talk about hobbies you do solo which are nice but do nothing for your need to socialization.

I don't have any real feelings for her. She doesn't like some of my Facebook posts - she likes all of them. I've never seen anybody do that and it seems out of the ordinary. There are roadblocks here - a child and religion. So I may never act on this but I was thinking it was better than doing nothing. The problem I'm having is that these signals are hard to ignore - I'm not stupid and there is something going on here.

At least for now you don't. But what if that changes? And what if she stops giving you the attention and then you feel rejected when there was no rejection?

And think of how you felt when you realized that all of your attention that was given to the other girl was for nothing - you felt used and heart broken. Are you seriously ok with the idea of doing that to someone else just to make yourself feel good? Really? You can do other social things where you can feel connected without using someone.

So if you ask her, there will likely be some awkwardness and embarrassment - but you can provide her a chance to know you aren't interested and thus not let her waste her time, and you can spare yourself any future attachment you may form.

I don't know - I've been playing that what if game for a long time. Maybe I should just dive in.

Going back to the facebook thing, actually I quite often 'like' all of someone's posts, it means I like their posts - nothing more. I also make eye contact & smile with people I like, it doesn't mean more than that. Again not saying you're wrong but it would be sensible to keep your feet on the ground until you see she really is interested in a romantic relationship.

Assuming she makes a move on you, if you choose to decline you can do this in a kind and sensitive way so as to not hurt her and keep her friendship - perhaps explain you are not in a good place right now. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

If you do choose to make a move yourself and she reciprocates then her having a child is no bad thing IMO, if you tend to neediness the needs of a young child could be something that takes you out of yourself and makes you focus on the needs of another. At least you are self aware of your neediness in the first place.

Thanks everybody. Well I talk big but the reality is I have a huge wall built around me intimacy wise. Because of this I'm very poor at accepting attention and not turning it into a hey she loves me moment. This probably seems like insanity to people who have actually been through the relationship cycle. Much of the time I feel like I'm a twelve year old emotionally and a sixty year old physically - not a good combination. As you can tell I'm already running scared just thinking about spending serious time with somebody else. Don't get me wrong I love being solo - now that's a class I could teach. I might run this by my therapist and see if she thinks it's a good idea to ask this lady out for lunch or something. Thanks

You are in your 60s. Chances to find a woman with no kids aren't very high.

I wouldn't worry about what happens on Facebook. Do you two like each other in real life? How do you two know each other?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Facebook and where she works. Lately we've been exchanging comments on Facebook - I've actually have had some nice exchanges with her online. She's really into things I can't get too excited about - rap music and church. On the positive side she's attractive and seems very supportive (seems important). I know I shouldn't be judgmental but I'm having s little trouble taking this any farther. She also has a child and I'm in my 60s like you said. Every time I make a comment on Facebook she responds immediately. I think she does like me - it's tough.

You know I keep reading about people, in their twenties, oh this site who seem to think their lives are over because they haven't a relationship. I wish them well because I got like forty years on them - I can't believe I got this far it's really a dark puzzle.

Some of the things she's into might well be indicative of her generation (for example rap music), if she's much younger than you then that's to be expected, you've both had different cultural experiences growing up.

I don't personally think couples need to have everything in common but it's usually good to have something in common, so you have things you can do together and discuss. Do you have some things in common with her?

If she is much younger than you again , then it might be the reason you have different tastes.

So far nothing indicates she is romantically interested. Same way it didn't with the previous girl. But you never know you ask

If you don't want to be disappointed again then ask her out and go from there. If she says no and it will upset you then you'll know what to do. It's not like you must see her every day. You can always delete her contact of stay friends . I'd either go for it or stop contacts right now because you don't need another story like the last one


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

first I have to say in summary that you might be right in not pursuing this right now... let me say why though to start. you're right in thinking that the "unrequited love" thing, if it's still affecting you is probably a good reason to not go for it. in addition, that you would love someone to give you attention to get your mind out of the "swamp" is the worst reason to try to hit it off and/or date someone. if the swamp is related to the unrequited love I would say it would be "rebounding" whether or not you are coming back from a break up or just someone you really liked and were rejected.

She's already giving you attention. it does not mean you have to go further with it to enjoy that attention. Being a friend to her as you have been, there is nothing wrong with that and it seems you're already enjoying the attention so just relax and enjoy that someone likes your company. Until such time as she presses you for a date or something, just let it be, as it is. I think that will be fine. Enjoying her attention right now does not obligate you to date her or make a move, if that's what you're worried about.

Believe me I don't want to use anyone - I really hate people who do that. I guess it's my past involvement with people but it's too bad they can't recognize when they are really hurting someone. Some just seem oblivious to this fact and this is where we really fall short as a species. Seems like we don't really go out of our way to ease the pain of someone who cares for us but we just can't or don't want to reciprocate. My experience is once people get focused on someone they forget what other people have done for them and are exclusively self centered. Call me bitter but this my experience - what you see internally is never going to match reality. This is limits of being human and it's hard to accept that we can't expand our shells. I like her, she likes somebody else this the vacuum we live in. Onward.

Another thought, if she is very religious and you aren't - she may be reaching out to you, so to speak to "accept Jesus in your life" (or whatever religion she practices.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk