Bad Relational Habits

My bad relational habits are really coming to a head, lately.

Before anyone asks, yes, I have been diagnosed with BPD in the past. Within the last few years, my symptoms have been relatively mild, to the point that I wasn't meeting criteria for diagnosis and was considered to have "traits of BPD." I felt that I was moving forward, learning new coping mechanisms, moving on from the years of depression I'd once been in, and learning to really love and enjoy life.

I have come to believe that maybe this was because I was interacting with life in a more shallow manner and not really going very deep with anything. If interactions with other people hurt, I just avoided them and I didn't realize that this wasn't really coping. I didn't realize that, when coworkers upset me and I chose to just mainly keep my mouth shut at work, it gave me an air of coldness and defensiveness, that I am perceived to have an even bigger wall than I used to. Nope, in my mind everything in life was smooth sailing and I even decided after 7 years it was okay to date. And this is where, as some who have read my posts know, things really became crystal clear that I'm not actually as okay as I think I am.

I'd met a guy named JD (I've mentioned him, may have changed his name) on Flickr 10 years ago. We have been acquaintances since then, chatted briefly in 2012, but while he was coming to my state and really wanted to meet me, I was going through some intense stuff after meeting my father and not interested in pursuing anything at that time. We stopped communicating at my request and, though he said "Hello" a few times, hadn't spoken until I reached out about 5 weeks ago. Since then, our communication took off pretty quickly and intensely, which may be a warning for some and looking back I definitely think I rushed (because that's what I do, and it isn't good), but at the same time he said that he'd been interested in getting to know me since we'd talked in 2012, and had thought about contacting me over the years but wasn't sure if I'd be open to it. It's flattering to have someone quietly admire you for that long, especially when you quietly admired them way back in the day as well. And this person is good. I have not one bad thing to say about him. He is kind, patient, and put up with a lot from me--I can be difficult even when the BPD traits aren't on display. He would just chuckle (while still being validating) and promptly calm me right down. Or let me go away and be fussy, but still be there, his same ole quiet polite Southern self when I came back, contrite and apologetic. I really thought I could keep my impulsive rage at bay, because I didn't want to take it out on him--I cared about him and he didn't deserve it. But, lo and behold, that never seems to happen. Because, of course, the more I liked him, the more "safe" he seemed, the scarier things became for me. And so the more I pushed.

Things with work are getting incredibly stressful, and I'm unfortunately not prioritizing self care the way I should be. This came to a head last Wednesday, and of course it boiled over onto him. He surprisingly came back from the onslaught, not unscathed, but he forgave me with some conditions--we needed to have some boundaries, needed to back things down a little so that we both could take care of ourselves properly. Of course, to my binary thinking, this sounded suspiciously like, "I'm pulling away from you." That wasn't it at all, but my brain couldn't think in the gray area that was necessary to repair the mess I was making. Long story short, I was incredibly disrespectful to him last night, even downright mean, even in the face of him trying to cool me down, and he finally had it. He flat out said it isn't going to work and he was sorry. He told me to be well, but to not contact him again. And then he blocked me. Pretty sure it's permanent since, unlike me, he is not at all volatile and means what he says, says what he means. It's a day later, and I'm still blocked. The texts I sent last night apologizing are unanswered. I'm pretty sure my number is blocked too, which is just as well because I feel badly for even texting; he asked me not to message him at all, and I blew right through that. Which is part of the freaking problem--my disrespect of his boundaries. I'm so impulsive when I feel like I'm being abandoned, and then when I feel like I am abandoned? Well I just lose my shyt.

I'm embarrassed. I mean, I'm sad, my heart hurts, I feel sorry that I hurt him (I know he really did like me a lot and that he's probably both angry with me and at least a little sad right now), I feel hopeless because this is a cycle I repeat in varying degrees with everyone not just the opposite sex. I feel quite broken, because I've been working and working in therapy but I just can't seem to be fixed. But most of all, I feel embarrassed. This is not the version of myself I'd wanted to present to him. It's not who I really am, and after so many years of wanting to get to know me, not who I wish he had had the misfortune of getting to know. I really liked JD. He isn't a stranger to MI so I think that's why he put up as long as he did, but he's very stable. He is a really good person--smart, kind, attractive, solid, good head on his shoulders. And I really effed up this time.

For others who have these modes of thinking and behaviors in relationships, what do you and your T focus on? I know there is DBT, but a) my insurance doesn't cover it and b) it is just plain impossible to be able to commit to a regular class with my current irregular job schedule. Otherwise, I probably would strongly consider it (it's expensive but I could swing it). I have the DBT Skills Training Manual, and I'm going to start working on my own.

In the meantime, with JD...do you guys think that it would be a good idea to, given some time and space, write an actual letter to him? Saying what, I don't know yet. Mainly just that I'm sorry I pushed so hard and that things went down the way they did, I guess.

I'm not the best person to give you an advice in relationships, so, I just wanted to say I hope you will find a way to reconnect with JD. Good luck

Ah, doll, so much (most) of what you wrote sounds like my relationship past. I, too, don't really have any words of advice. I hope it's not over over but, unlike us who vacillate on a dime, when some people say "enough" they really mean it. I hope that's not the case but, if it is, hopefully you can learn from it.

I hope others chime in for you. I'm curious to hear (for my sake, too!)

(((hugs)))

He may actually mean enough, and then again he may relent and talk to me sometime down the road. But what I know for sure, for now, I need to let him be.

After crying myself to sleep and crying intermittently today, I'm alright. I'm actually peaceful. It's the kick in the pants I needed to really start journaling, meditating (practicing mindfulness), using DBT skills in earnest, and actually discussing the use of said skills with my T rather than just complaining in my sessions. It's time to actually work toward a goal. I'll be bringing my journal and my DBT app to my session tomorrow. (And not for JD, for me so that my life doesn't suck all of the time since I'm sad and lonely because I push good people away.)

JD and I had a similar thing to this happen in 2012 where he actually pushed at me and I retreated and blocked him for a little while, we just hadn't gotten nearly as deep as we did this time, not even close. He was going through a lot of junk with his long time friend group and not handling it constructively. He wasn't mean to me, just pushy. He's mellowed out considerably. My friend thinks we just keep missing the mark, timing-wise. Both of us have histories of dysfunctional coping methods, but he's got a significantly stronger history of stability than I do. He's pretty self-aware, whereas I think I'm self-aware, but there comes a point for me where all of that goes out the window and I'm just a ball of dysfunction. I know I sound hard on myself, but I can be pretty hard to deal with when I'm in a reactive state. I'm like a little tornado, and will take down every damn thing in my path.

Long distance things are hard for even the most mentally stable, emotionally intelligent people. For those of us who aren't stellar communicators, who struggle with connection anyway, it isn't ideal. We planned to meet, but we have lives; I have residency, he has a teenage son and booked weekends for at least the next 6 weeks. I have the means to drive down there (he lives 10 hours almost directly south) but I'd need at least a 3 day weekend. We'd discussed meeting in the middle at intervals, and him coming up here in the fall (because it's gorgeous here in the fall). It was doable, but it was going to be hard.

Whatever. I guess if we're meant to connect, we will. And maybe we won't. It sounds like his ex-wife was undiagnosed BPD and he went through it with her, to the point that he says it almost broke him. I'm not interested in hurting him for my own gain, and I need to work on myself. For now, it'll just have to lie.

Hi Ruari,

I know it's been a little while since you posted this, but I wanted to say I read it, and you do sound very self-aware. You write about yourself in an amazingly clear and detached way. I mean that as a good thing. I can't quite figure out how to say exactly what I'm trying to say, but I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make. I think if you continue to journal, you might be able to disrupt the thinking and become self-aware sooner.

I also understand the difficulty of long distance dating, and how that plays into fears of abandonment on a whole different level than in person relationships. When my husband and I were dating long distance, we had a breakup that is a little similar to what happened to you. He just couldn't handle me at that time. He had his own issues going on, issues he didn't feel he could talk to me about, which was another factor leading to the breakup. We did eventually get back together, but I took the same "if it's meant to be, it'll happen" approach. It took me a little while to get to that point after the breakup, but once I did, I found it very freeing.

Anyways, I don't have much advice or anything, just wanted to let you know I heard you.

Thank you.

I actually wrote a letter to JD (handwritten, not typed; I haven't done that in ages) and mailed it yesterday. I wrote a few others that I knew I wouldn't send, but this one was only about two pages long, and it was very plain-spoken, honest, and contrite. I took responsibility for my actions, was brief in trying to explain myself, didn't make excuses, was specific in my apologies, and told him briefly what I believed to be true about him (that he is a good man with a solid, even character), and why. I said that, while it hurt like hell, he gave me the kick in the pants I needed to see with sharp clarity that I wasn't handling my stress very effectively, and I thanked him. I asked for forgiveness and said that if he chose not to respond, I would understand and never bother him again. But I also said that we'd both waited a bit of time to actually get to know each other, and I could wait as long as he needed to talk again, because to me he's worth the wait. And unless he responds, that's the end of it for me.

My T and I have started working through some DBT material--she has a book and sends me a chapter a week to work on. I can already tell that it's helping. I'm not completely perfect, of course. I'm on here right now because I had a bad day at work--most of that was mindset, not reaction--but I can tell it's helping. Mostly in that I'm more open to people and I communicate better than I had been. I'm going through some real shyt at work right now, and in the past I would have come home and had a couple of glasses of wine every night. Or sit and cry while eating a bag of Cheetos (the big bag). Now, I either journal, meditate, or have a dance party. I still like wine every so often, but it's not a coping mechanism any longer.

Anyway. Thank you so much for responding. I do understand what you were saying, and I appreciate it.