What happened?

I don't think it's wrong to contact a guy first as sometimes online people might not see each other profiles. It doesn't make one aggressive.

For example on egarmony you get "what if" profiles sent to you and the only way to connect to that person is to contact them as they don't see your profile, my fiancée didn't see my profile at all and to this day is grateful I contacted him. If I sat around we would never meet as he never knew I existed.

I was more concerned about this mans subsequent lack of interest. Often when they wait long before meeting you and never initiate anything ( all is Initiated by you) they aren't there for a relationship or might be scammers ( I was scammed before). If man likes you, he'll contacting you often and ask you on a date pretty soon. They also wouldn't just text. They would want to talk. If they just text they might not be who they say they are. Especially if it goes on for weeks.

I don't think it's wrong, either. And I am sure I am older than ArtChic and more 'old school' being 50, and the guys from my generation may feel different than the young-uns.

ArtChic, what do you think you are doing to set yourself up for failure?

I am NOT setting myself up for failure. I've come to the conclusion that guys are just jerks. ALL guys are just jerks. Who needs 'em.

Well they aren't all jerks. Unfortunately sometimes it's a number game. Got to kiss a lot of frogs. And sometimes we attract wrong people. I know I did. A lot.

You are still young

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....really? (sarcasm meant)

I tried the number game, kissed a ton of frogs...nothing. All men are just a bunch of gross slimy frogs.

I doubt very much that you are repulsive to men. But right now it seems that your kindness and gentleheartedness and willingness to overlook things is giving men the impression that they can say whatever they want and come and go as they please in your life.

So I therefore propose an experiment: The next time you meet a man online, or in person, follow the ideas of ValentinaVVV.

If a guy does not get back to you promptly, drop him at once.

If a guy makes sudden and implausible excuses, drop him at once.

If a guy is unreliable, and doesn't do what he says, drop him at once.

If a guy is squishy and/or evasive and/or vague ("We'll work something out"), drop him at once.

No second chances.

You are a trustworthy and worthwhile woman; don't waste any time on guys who show themselves to be untrustworthy and not worthwhile.

Play hardball.

Do that for let's say 6-8 weeks in all places/sites where you meet men. Then let us know how it turned out.

So basically drop all the guys? Cause that's about all the guys who contact me do anyways. Guess all guys are nothing but dickwads.

No. Just the ones who don't always treat you well.

Drop them first.

No. But many are. Drop the guys who show themselves to be dickwads. It will save you a lot of heartache and also it will keep you available for when a good guy does come along.

You confuse me. So I should just be celibate? That's no fun.

They're really no different as a whole group than women are. There are guys on here in the same boat as you, trying to find someone, and feeling like all women are just bad.

You want to focus on the ones who really want a relationship (with a woman like you).

I think what you say in your Bio is important. What you look like in your photo says 1000 words. What you say when you chat with them is important.

If you keep getting treated this badly, I really do think you must be making some impression that isn't working for you.

The good one will come along. Sometimes it helps to figure out what type of men we attract so we can stop the pattern. Don't give up.

My profile is fine. It's the guys who need to change.

I'm not sure I understand what it has to do with celibacy. Are you saying that right now you are getting a lot of sex? My impression was that you are not getting guys to be reliable for regular dating or for sex.

They do. But the point is to attract them. You don't need to change them but just attract better ones. It is challenging. I know

No. I am getting no sex right now. I am basically saying how, when all guys are jerks, can I find one who isn't? It's like trying to find a purple kitten. It's just not going to happen.

Even if you don't find the purple kitten, you will make your life significantly better by playing hardball and keeping the dickwads out of your life.

Purple kittens are notorious for hidden "neurochemical imbalances" that might take a while to manifest themselves.

So keep all men out of my life. Gotcha. Oh, how empty my future seems now.

It's clear you're frustrated, and you say you've had nothing but bad experiences with men. Have they all rejected you?

I've had mixed experiences with men, mostly the ones I've been close to really loved me and have been my best friends. People on here talk about how their husbands are great. They're not all bad.

Calmly look at what is going on with you. Are you only attracted to the kind of man who blows you off? Are you putting out a desperate vibe? Do you knock yourself and put yourself down when you make first impressions?

I would look into family of origin. I had to work hard with my therapist on figuring out my attraction to men with whom I just couldn't stay and had to leave. They are all very successful type A men who are loving BUT ( and this is big but) very difficult to be with, difficult like my dad. The longest I stayed was 9 years ( he also drank), and I was married for 5, but the rest were few years or a year the most. They were all clones of each other.

My t ensured me they aren't all the same I just had to recognize red flags right away not years later.

Work with your t on figuring this out. Are you in general satisfied with your life? Your career? Your health? Your life overall? When you are in a good place in life there is more chance to meet people who will enhance your life.

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UPDATE: He texted me again. He explained that he expected us to spend time getting to know each other better before we met up and that he got anxious when I went straight to suggesting that we meet up.

I didn't quite know how to respond so I said I was sorry that I pressured him into doing something he didn't want to do quite yet, that I wanted to hear his voice for a change and that good things are worth waiting for.

I honestly don't know what to think right now.

Right now you are in limbo.

You were criticizing him for his disappearance but now when he suddenly returns with a flimsy excuse (that he could have told you days ago) you are considering welcoming him back.

You have apologized for "pressuring" him and you have not indicated any particular length of time that you are willing to wait for him. In other words, he can conclude that you will wait indefinitely for him, because you consider him to be a good thing.

He has a free pass and a ready-made excuse (his alleged anxiety) to string you along indefinitely until he alone decides that you two "have gotten to know each other better." If he ever does decide that.

He has a history of erratic contact and now he has a ready made excuse to continue that and to make you wait forever.

Unless you "pressure" him to fish or cut bait.

You could for example tell him a specific date by which you expect to meet him in person, and that you expect daily contact until that time. You could just tell him that you need a man you can rely on and that you can't countenance his unreliability and the vagaries of his anxiety and so it has been nice speaking with him. Or you can sit and wait indefinitely. Your choice.

I am with Bill on this. He is bad news. If he wasn't ready to meet he could say so but really men who are on a look out for a serious relationship and like you would want to meet you. He doesn't, it doesn't matter why but he has no interest in meeting. He is a jerk but you are the one apologizing

Also a man who feels bad for Bad behavior would call to apologize not text


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I wouldn't rule him out yet. I am glad he reached out to you. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he is telling the truth and he was scared. Sometimes they're like timid rabbits.

I'd casually talk to him a bit more, but only for 15 minutes at most. If he doesn't ask you out. Don't engage him as just a text buddy.

Keep your options open.