[Lazarus16]

Hi everyone! I'm listening to the audio book of No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert A Glover, am at around the midpoint and realised something upset me greatly. When I go anywhere with a lot of girls, I could literally want to go out with maybe half of them. It might be because I haven't had a girlfriend in 15 years and I never thought I would say this one day but I think there are too many beautiful girls for me. loll I'm really in need of affection, I admit it, though it's uncomfortable and I feel, if I dropped my guard, took down the walls I built to protect me, I could fall in love with anyone. That upset me terribly. I took 2 years to re-build myself, make peace with my chaotic childhood and re-learn what it meant to live fully, re-learn who I was and I never been as happy ...but I'm afraid of falling in love with the wrong person, of losing my time. I'm in a period of great changes and I believe my need of affection affect my judgement so how am I supposed to do the right choice when my judgement is altered? If I wasn't so much in need of affection, I wouldn't be looking for a girlfriend, I'd let things happen and I'm confident I'd get a girlfriend, eventually, I read a lot on the subject and I understand the concepts. But it is not the case and I'm so much in need of affection, a beautiful manipulative girl would kiss me out of the blue at the gym and I'd fall in love with her, 100%! I'm really hurting because on one front, I see all the progress I made, I literally changed my life and myself and it makes me really proud but on the other front, I see a cliff and I fear losing everything.

Anyone can help me? I feel like I'm so close of my goal, that is, to obtain the affection I so clearly lack but yet, I'm so far...

Thanks!

[divine1966]

You are young. Many guys don't date until older. My nephew didn't even date until 24 and he is very successful educated professionally and socially well adjusted. He is now getting married. 26 is still young.

I agree that sometimes need for affection feels like desperation and it effects your judgement. How is your life otherwise? Are you satisfied with other aspects of your life?

Also if you consider opening up to meeting girls do you know what qualities you are looking for? ( not in a looks department)

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What does prevent you from getting physical affection only at the moment?

[Trippin2.0]

By making the changes you've described it shows you do have good judgement.


So use that to identify the qualities you seek in a woman, and pursue this type of woman.


As divine said, desperation can lead us to the wrong people, but even the wrong people don't have the power to destroy our lives.


I've been with two wrong persons (one reallllly wrong one out of immaturity not desperation), and they were great lessons in what I am not willing to put up with.


You don't sound desperate to me, your life seems otherwise on track.


Don't allow fear to hold you back from getting what you want, trust yourself to make good choices, and give yourself some credit.


You clearly are more competent than you give yourself credit for.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You are young. Many guys don't date until older. My nephew didn't even date until 24 and he is very successful educated professionally and socially well adjusted. He is now getting married. 26 is still young.

I agree that sometimes need for affection feels like desperation and it effects your judgement. How is your life otherwise? Are you satisfied with other aspects of your life?

Also if you consider opening up to meeting girls do you know what qualities you are looking for? ( not in a looks department)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know but I really am in need of affection, I have been for 15 years and I want to finally know again what it feels to kiss a girl, get hugged, being loved, it been so long I had any intimacy with anyone...

Haha, YUGE knockers! No, seriously, I have no preference when it comes to looks but I'm looking for a girl that is honest, intellectual, a little shyness would be cute and is helpful. A girl that is not too materialist and more down to earth, sweet and has healthy life habits. I have huge boundaries with smokes, drugs and alcohol. I can accept a little alcohol but not smokes and drugs, I have nothing against smokers and drug users but I wouldn't accept my gilfriend to smoke or use drugs, personal boundaries.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

What does prevent you from getting physical affection only at the moment?

Mmh, the fact I been a ''nice guy'' for most of my life but I changed a lot. I'm reading ''No more Mr Nice Guy'' and noticed lots of changes.

Also, this is probably a bs reason but I got 6 tooth extracted in the last month, 2 in the front and I look like Drew Doughty from the LA Kings so I guess I'm not at my most attractive. lol Getting my implants in 6 months so for the next 6 months, I'd like to date but I look kind of goofy when I smile and laugh. It's probably a bs excuse but it makes me uncomfortable.

Third, I haven't been intimate with any girl in 15 years, I get sweaty when a girl is close to me so with the missing tooth, I feel as if I was playing baseball and already had 2 strikes even before starting.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

By making the changes you've described it shows you do have good judgement.


So use that to identify the qualities you seek in a woman, and pursue this type of woman.


As divine said, desperation can lead us to the wrong people, but even the wrong people don't have the power to destroy our lives.


I've been with two wrong persons (one reallllly wrong one out of immaturity not desperation), and they were great lessons in what I am not willing to put up with.


You don't sound desperate to me, your life seems otherwise on track.


Don't allow fear to hold you back from getting what you want, trust yourself to make good choices, and give yourself some credit.


You clearly are more competent than you give yourself credit for.

Thank you Trippin 2.0!

Mmh, the problem I face doing this, is I don't know how to know a girl is the type of woman I seek. My father told me there is no way to know, really but there has to be a way, isn't it?

That's right, in the end, only us can allow others to destroy us so if I refuse and don't let the wrong people do it, they won't be able to, I'm indestructible!

I get you. I spent 1 year with a girl a long time ago and we'd never do things I liked. I decided never again, I would put up with these one-sided relationships.

Thanks! It is, I'm lagging in love lol but I did the first step by admitting I needed help and ever since, I'm always making progress, I'm on the right way, I do all I can to improve and it's only a matter of time before I get my love sphere back on track as well! I'm confident.

F toxic shame. lol This is the reason I don't always give me as much credit as I should. I'll keep working on that.

Thank you very much!

[divine1966]

There is a way to know after you spend some time with her but as friends first, don't get intimate too soon as it clouds your judgement

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[Trippin2.0]

Divine is right, get to know her as a person, and you'll know if she's a viable love interest.


Sex (usually) stirs up feelings and clouds our judgement. Next thing you know you're feeling stuck in a messy situation.

I don't think you need to define what you're looking for right now and put standards for yourself from the beginning. This is a barrier and gives you the excuse why you're not talking to girls. Forget that now. I've been trapped to this for many years. Don't fall into it. Rather, I think you need to learn how to talk to girls in general and at every acceptable occasion you have.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Divine is right, get to know her as a person, and you'll know if she's a viable love interest.


Sex (usually) stirs up feelings and clouds our judgement. Next thing you know you're feeling stuck in a messy situation.

Yeah, it totally makes sense. I don't have a crystal ball or I can't mind-read and see if this girl or that girl is this or that, I need to grow a pair and find out by myself! LOL

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I don't think you need to define what you're looking for right now and put standards for yourself from the beginning. This is a barrier and gives you the excuse why you're not talking to girls. Forget that now. I've been trapped to this for many years. Don't fall into it. Rather, I think you need to learn how to talk to girls in general and at every acceptable occasion you have.

Yeah, I'll gain confidence with the other sex and rather than seeking to make things happen, they will happen by themselves. Rather than searching for love, love will find me.

Thanks!

Not necessarily for love. I guess you can find girls open to different options. But in all options, you need to approach and talk.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

Not necessarily for love. I guess you can find girls open to different options. But in all options, you need to approach and talk.

It's true. I haven't had a friend that was a girl in the last 18 years, I'm sure having one again wouldn't hurt. And that is impossible without talking to girls. lol

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Lazarus16

Hi everyone! I'm listening to the audio book of No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert A Glover, am at around the midpoint and realised something upset me greatly. When I go anywhere with a lot of girls, I could literally want to go out with maybe half of them. It might be because I haven't had a girlfriend in 15 years and I never thought I would say this one day but I think there are too many beautiful girls for me. loll I'm really in need of affection, I admit it, though it's uncomfortable and I feel, if I dropped my guard, took down the walls I built to protect me, I could fall in love with anyone. That upset me terribly. I took 2 years to re-build myself, make peace with my chaotic childhood and re-learn what it meant to live fully, re-learn who I was and I never been as happy ...but I'm afraid of falling in love with the wrong person, of losing my time. I'm in a period of great changes and I believe my need of affection affect my judgement so how am I supposed to do the right choice when my judgement is altered? If I wasn't so much in need of affection, I wouldn't be looking for a girlfriend, I'd let things happen and I'm confident I'd get a girlfriend, eventually, I read a lot on the subject and I understand the concepts. But it is not the case and I'm so much in need of affection, a beautiful manipulative girl would kiss me out of the blue at the gym and I'd fall in love with her, 100%! I'm really hurting because on one front, I see all the progress I made, I literally changed my life and myself and it makes me really proud but on the other front, I see a cliff and I fear losing everything.

Anyone can help me? I feel like I'm so close of my goal, that is, to obtain the affection I so clearly lack but yet, I'm so far...

Thanks!

first, you cannot lose time. what you have built up and gained cannot be lost. You can of course connect with someone that's not good for you but that's the risk we take with women (or men in the case of women). They can't take away anything that you've gained.

Furthermore, if you have grown and matured, learned anything the past 15 yrs, it may be the case where now is a much better time to do so. Perhaps what you know of yourself will be the thing that helps you to make the right decision, not only that be better in a relationship anyway.

I don't say that out of the blue either. I have spent a good amount of the last 4+ years without being attached. for me, I'm not looking actively but kind of hope something will happen.. but that being said I KNOW that I have grown a lot on my own. it still may end up not working out but if I find someone to date, I know I'm far more prepared now than before when I only knew life with a mate.

[barbella]

This might sound really boring (and possibly shallow) but ... could you possibly make a detailed list of what your 'ideal' person would be like? The whole person - from looks to habits to qualities to how they treat the counter person at Timmy's!! I think it is helpful to keep going back to the list when you start meeting people. Is anyone close to your 'ideal'? I found someone who is such a good fit for those qualities. I suspect you can too. I also agree what a person's looks &/or getting intimate too early can really cloud our judgement. Good luck to you as you wait for the dental work to get finished up. Let us know how you do if you are OK with it.
I really wish you all the best.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

first, you cannot lose time. what you have built up and gained cannot be lost. You can of course connect with someone that's not good for you but that's the risk we take with women (or men in the case of women). They can't take away anything that you've gained.

Furthermore, if you have grown and matured, learned anything the past 15 yrs, it may be the case where now is a much better time to do so. Perhaps what you know of yourself will be the thing that helps you to make the right decision, not only that be better in a relationship anyway.

I don't say that out of the blue either. I have spent a good amount of the last 4+ years without being attached. for me, I'm not looking actively but kind of hope something will happen.. but that being said I KNOW that I have grown a lot on my own. it still may end up not working out but if I find someone to date, I know I'm far more prepared now than before when I only knew life with a mate.

You're absolutely right and you reminded me of what a local boxer once said. ''You can't lose something you don't have''. Some people keep themselves from doing this or doing that because they say they will lose money but they never had that money in the first place. You can earn money but you can't lose what you never had.

I agree with you, thanks for the reply!

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by barbella

This might sound really boring (and possibly shallow) but ... could you possibly make a detailed list of what your 'ideal' person would be like? The whole person - from looks to habits to qualities to how they treat the counter person at Timmy's!! I think it is helpful to keep going back to the list when you start meeting people. Is anyone close to your 'ideal'? I found someone who is such a good fit for those qualities. I suspect you can too. I also agree what a person's looks &/or getting intimate too early can really cloud our judgement. Good luck to you as you wait for the dental work to get finished up. Let us know how you do if you are OK with it.
I really wish you all the best.

Barbella, it is not boring or shallow lol. Actually, I made a list last night of traits I'd like my ''ideal'' person to have and here it is :

-Passion, Integrity, Happiness, Intelligence, Sexual Assertiveness, Financial Responsability, Commitment to personal growth, Honesty, Disciplined.

I think so too and no, there is no one so far BUT I'm still looking, from afar, I'm confident I'll find someone eventually. I believe there are tons of persons for each and every one of us (there is over a billion of candidates on Earth) so it's not a matter of if but rather, when. Yeah, I'll take it slowly, definetely. I read that if you try to know someone better and have sex with that person, the learning stop. If they go too fast, I'll tell future partners ''not before marriage''. LOL I won't forget to mention this was a joke though, just in case.

Thank you Barbella! I'm getting my last sutures removed tomorrow morning and I restarted eating solid food rather awkwardly so I'm on the right track! lol I talked with some people in real life, including one very hot girl at the grocery store and I was impressed. I feared I would be ashamed of the gaps in my mouth but not at all, it doesn't affect my self-confidence one bit! I reached a level of self-confidence where I just don't care if people don't like things about me and it shows in my social interactions. This will help in future dating!

I'll keep you all informed on how I do, take care!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Lazarus16

You're absolutely right and you reminded me of what a local boxer once said. ''You can't lose something you don't have''. Some people keep themselves from doing this or doing that because they say they will lose money but they never had that money in the first place. You can earn money but you can't lose what you never had.

I agree with you, thanks for the reply!

Thanks I hope it helped but the thing is I completely understand your dilemma in the sense of knowing what you mean if one girl paid attention to me, let alone out and out gave me affection, I know the fear that you would fall into that spiral but honestly, at least for me, if that did happen, if I let myself fall, it wouldn't be falling in love but something far less exciting. I think if I didn't keep my head about me, and that happened it would be mostly about the attention and need more so than really falling for her. Of course all that being said I don't think it's abnormal for that to happen when caught unawares, but something that most guys and girls deal with everyday. Some have it worse than others. If you're like me you can, if this happens let yourself become too immersed in some kind of fantasy situation and almost to the point of obsession. If that's the case I know this feeling all too well and I have the same reservations about trying to date, myself.

On a positive note though, and I hope you're in the same place, I think, I have my head in a far better place today to be able to say what I just did about myself and know my tendencies. Since you have laid out your fears yourself I think you're far more mature, stronger and have a better mindset today. Please, if you feel the desire to be with someone again, don't hold back and keep your heart open to it.

[ChrizBolez]

It's definitely a good idea to use the "dating" period to scope things out. Think of it like driving a car. Sometimes when we first start driving we often tend to only look at only what's closest or right in front of us. This leads to unforeseen accidents and sometimes bad judgment calls. Now when we take the time to scope things out far ahead of time before we reach the point of no return we can make the right calls avoiding any inconvenient accidents

Weird analogy, I know, but it works for the situation we often find ourselves in where we're driven by pure emotion and never bother to scope the person out to see if it's really a good idea to push the gas pedal or pump the brakes!

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by ChrizBolez

It's definitely a good idea to use the "dating" period to scope things out. Think of it like driving a car. Sometimes when we first start driving we often tend to only look at only what's closest or right in front of us. This leads to unforeseen accidents and sometimes bad judgment calls. Now when we take the time to scope things out far ahead of time before we reach the point of no return we can make the right calls avoiding any inconvenient accidents

Weird analogy, I know, but it works for the situation we often find ourselves in where we're driven by pure emotion and never bother to scope the person out to see if it's really a good idea to push the gas pedal or pump the brakes!

I love your weird analogy! loll Thanks for the reply!