Which way is up?!

I'm very confused. My partner and I are having difficulties and have been on and off for a while. There is a lot in there but I will try to get to the really confusing part. I have issues when it comes to doing things. I have massive amounts of fear about silly things and I haven't proposed after many years and 1 child of of (what I believe to be) fear of getting it wrong in terms of how I do it....yes, I have issues.

She is understandably angry and feels that I do everything 80% and let her down all the time as well as "everybody else". That she has to be my mother and take charge of everything while all I do is work, shopping, bring the kids to and from school, clean, cook, put kids to bed (though some of the mornings and nights we have started to share) and then whatever else needs doing. But don't do the bigger things like dealing with where we will live, the schools, big future plans, giving my family security, proposing...

Here is the thing, I'm aware of all my issues:
codependence
defensiveness (which she has said has improved dramatically)
excessive procrastination
fear of expressing myself for fear of rejection
terrible communication and unable to set boundaries
etc

these are things that I have been working on for a long time and I know I have much more to do.

She feels that all the things I do are due to passive aggressiveness. She has read to me all the "how do you know" type lists of what a passive aggressive person does and why all the issues in our lives are caused by it. This was the same when it was me being codependent, defensive, etc. and I have 100% taken on the reason raised as it always fits...she tells me I'm horrible, selfish and don't care about her really because of the REAL reason I'm "forgetting" or not doing romantic thing or the "important" things and that if only I didn't do the things I do she would do more in the relationship, wouldn't yell and insult me (which when I say I say that some of the things she says are particularly hurtful she says that I'm just making her into the bad person). I don't want to be making excuses and just looking for a way out of "manning up" but I also found by chance a load of the same lists of things that mean someone as X and every point matches what she does, the lists say she is Emotionally Abusive. And even her saying that the things I do are the reason she is like that and she wouldn't be if I didn't do it is actually one of the points! and what is highlighted as the results for the "abused" person is very similar to the things I am doing which she keeps pointing at.... I'M VERY CONFUSED!! So am I causing her to react this way or am I in fact on the receiving end of something here?!?!?!?!?

I want to deal with my issues but no matter what I do everything seems to fall apart. I will be honest, I was unfaithful at one point the very early days for all the wrong reasons and it took a long time to get to where we are though it is still something that is in the background of things. I also went onto sites after that for sex, not actually partaking but did contact people. I make no excuse for these things and do utterly regret them and hate hurting her and myself if I'm being honest. I just want to make things work between us as we have 2 kids now and I don't want to lose my family if it is something I can change in how I do things.

Hello asdfhjkl123: I see this is your first post here on PC. So.... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

You know, honestly, if I wrote here that I understand what is going on between you & your significant other, I'd be lying. Really... I have no idea! From what you wrote, it sounds as though you each have your own issues & there's probably plenty of blame to go around.

To my mind, your situation is not one that will lend itself to any suggestions I might make in this reply. From my perspective, if the two of you genuinely want to make your relationship work, you need to avail yourselves of the services of a skilled Marriage & Family Therapist & commit to sticking with it for the long haul.

My spouse & I have been married for over 30 years. And I'm here to tell you that keeping a relationship going over the long term is a challenge under the best of circumstances. Quite honestly, we're still together primarily because she is unflinchingly committed to me. From that perspective, I am truly blessed. And yet, still, we have our problems... on almost a daily basis!

I don't know if the two of you are destined to stay together or not. But since you have 2 kids together, it certainly behooves you to give your relationship every chance of surviving. I wish you both well...

Welcome to Psych Central! Have you tried joint therapy?

Sounds like you need couple's counseling.

As well as the equivalent of marriage counseling could you find a short course that would tie in with your schedule for self esteem? I say this because I worked my way through a handful of courses all around self esteem (it was simply called "finding myself") and also for anger management (specifically for me). Each short night course, at very little cost, helped the little group look at our own behaviour and reactions, and those of the significant people in our lives. It was all very eye opening. I didn't like what I saw in me when doing the anger management course. I made some changes in my own behaviour and was able to react differently when there was conflict between my husband and myself.

Just a thought as it is something that you could do without your partner if joint counseling is not an option at this stage.

Ultimately, know that just because you have children together does not mean you have to stay together. Yes your kids are important, but so are you.

Hm, as I was reading through your lines, I was thinking "could be either passive aggressive or avoidant personality traits".
What is your view about your wife's opinion that you are passive aggressive? Do you agree with her or aren't you sure or what?
From what you describe, I'd say this is relationship isn't healthy for both of you. She seems to be emotionalla abusing, but from my point of view, you aren't any better, looking at sex sites and stuff (I know these are harsh words).
Did you consider splitting up? My parents divorced when I was 13. People tend to believe that this is the worst thing that could happen to a child, and I never understood why they think so. I was relieved when my parents finally split up. It always ****ed with my mind that my parents were publically seen as a couple, and were married, but at the same time it was obvious to me they didn't love each other. It always strained me that I couldn't talk about this paradox situation.