As some of you know, I have been talking long distance (was off for about two weeks, now back on) to a man that I really like, who seems to also really like me. He stopped talking to me because I pushed at him just too much, and my anger went overboard to boot. I have a lot of insecurity and some BPD tendencies (which I am actively working out through DBT). We are now talking again because I wrote an apology letter which he responded to right away. He said he felt touched by the letter, and missed talking with me. That was four days ago. He said he didn't want anything from me right now but a little communication, if I wished. I felt like we were just chatting here and there, and he needed to take things slow to build up some trust. That's fine. However, I kind of bore a lot of my feelings in that apology letter, and I don't feel that they were reciprocated. I am not too sure how he feels in return. Does he feel that, if we keep things up and meet up with one another, this could be something, or am I just a pretty girl he likes to flirt with once in a while?

See, the thing is that things aren't the same as they were prior to the rift. Before that, we were pretty equal in initiating communication. One of us would usually say good morning, or ask about the other's day. Since we started talking again, it's always me (I know it's only been four days, but it's a difference). I didn't initiate anything today, and I didn't hear from him at all. He used to comment on my FB posts, now nothing. He has started flirting with me again, but it's all about my looks or he gets kind of mildly suggestive (which is fine, that goes along with my sense of humor). Before, he would do that but also talk about my character. It was just...less superficial.

Part of me knows I need to go with the flow. The other part of me, the one that is taking over (the one that ruined it the first time), is panicking. I do need some clarification. Just a little. I texted him over a half hour ago. Nothing. That is unusual. And it bothers me, because this guy has a great character. He's very legit, not a player, not an ahole at all.

I feel hopeless. I don't know how to react. For my own self worth, I feel like I need clarity, but I'm afraid he'll see it as needy and/or pushing. What should I do, and/or how should I ask?

I understand your concern. I think he should clarify his intentions at some point soon. If he takes very long, I think you can ask: "where is this going?" for example. I don't think keep texting and initiating things with him is a good thing. Give him the opportunity to initiate. You can tell from this at least he is interested.

Note: I'm a failure at relationships, so you can as well just ignore what I said.

Good luck

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I understand your concern. I think he should clarify his intentions at some point soon. If he takes very long, I think you can ask: "where is this going?" for example. I don't think keep texting and initiating things with him is a good thing. Give him the opportunity to initiate. You can tell from this at least he is interested.

Note: I'm a failure at relationships, so you can as well just ignore what I said.

Good luck

Wandering, I appreciate your advice as always.

I think maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. I don't know if it's as deep as I'm trying to make it. If he weren't interested, he wouldn't have responded to my letter. Or he would have, said "Thank you, but I think we're better as acquaintances." I think there are things we need to chat about at some point, but I think that I probably should work on going with the flow a little better. It's hard when I'm solid type A and he's solid type B. But this is not the only circumstance where I've had to work on chilling out.

[Trippin2.0]

I get that you would have liked him to address the feelings you spoke of in your letter, BUT, he wouldn't have responded if he didn't reciprocate them, and sometimes people (like my bf who are so self assured) thinks everyone else (including people like us) knows what they're intentions are because its implied in their sincerity. It's so simple for them, 1+1=2. Where as we need the equation spelt out for us.


I seriously seriously doubt he would have replied at all of he did not reciprocate your feelings.


He knows you, he knows that doing so would be tantamount to leading you on.


So I say, the plan to chill and take it easy, go with the flow is a good one.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I get that you would have liked him to address the feelings you spoke of in your letter, BUT, he wouldn't have responded if he didn't reciprocate them, and sometimes people (like my bf who are so self assured) thinks everyone else (including people like us) knows what they're intentions are because its implied in their sincerity. It's so simple for them, 1+1=2. Where as we need the equation spelt out for us.


I seriously seriously doubt he would have replied at all of he did not reciprocate your feelings.


He knows you, he knows that doing so would be tantamount to leading you on.


So I say, the plan to chill and take it easy, go with the flow is a good one.

I think you are right.

Thanks for not saying, "Well, guys can be clueless, maybe he's not thinking, etc etc etc..." Sometimes that's the case. As I've said, he has a kind heart. It is possible that he is leading me on, but it is not intentional by any means. Also, guys aren't any more or less clueless than girls, imo.

I think I also need to plan to actually speak with him more than text or FB message. It's a lot more convenient and conducive to chatting more frequently (especially when we're both work-weary), but hearing his voice is much more calming, maybe because it's more personal to me. And also, this may be silly, but he's got a slow, steady, low way of speaking. The Tennessee accent helps, too. Maybe not if you're from the south, but to this Northerner, it's oddly soothing.

PS Trippin, I know you're from South Africa so maybe you don't know exactly what I mean. But maybe you do, just with a different accent. Idk, everyone has their thing. His is redheads--I happen to be one--mine is accents. It's a win-win.

Guys, I can't do it.

I am lying in bed, crying, and it's not even 9am. I already messaged a message I said I wouldn't send because overwhelming anxiety got the best of me. I like this guy, but I need to not be anxious all the time or create drama all the time. I'm crying because I'm sad, because I know reality is not what I'm seeing. I just don't think I can do it.

[divine1966]

Oh no I wish I was there in real life to comfort you. Sending you many hugs

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Thank you.

His response to my anxious message full of questioning was simply, "It's going to be okay. Really, truly."

Which made me cry harder. I should probably write that down, take a screenshot so I don't forget.

[healingme4me]

Screenshot that.

He does need to have sensitivity to small moments by making his presense known.

I think I'm also reacting to stress at work. I haven't said this, but I'm a brand new RN, in an ER. I've worked in healthcare for 15 years, in the ER for 7. But this is a whole other ballgame. I'm competent, and was at the top of my grad class, but that doesn't matter. I'm scared every day that I'm going to hurt someone (that's just part of being an RN, you have allot of responsibility. And I won't hurt anyone, but you are just always vigilant). I told him that this morning and he empathized. I think he is taking a lot with a grain of salt bc I am self-aware, in that I know I'm stressed with work, and that I won't be new forever. I've also chosen to transition out of the ER because of a lot of reasons (some of it drama not coming from my end), but mainly because it isn't the right fit for me. I think that will lessen the stress somewhat. I do love my job, but it's hard sometimes.

*a lot not allot. I have more typos when I'm posting on my phone.

Anyway. Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I feel like we're communicating as before, now. I think the challenge for me is to continue to learn to manage stress in healthy ways, and self-care. I've been dropping the ball on meditating and man, can I tell.

I'm told by my manager that the ICU wants me and I'm like eh... alright. She said with my attention to detail, she feels I'd be a good fit (read: I am really freaking type A! Haha! Well, you learn to work with what you have, hey?) I love ER, but what happened is that, basically, I caught wind that there are two individuals who are in positions of leadership in the dept who have said (in that ever-popular locker room gossip) that they are waiting for me to fail. While I'm confident in my skills, and my boss, educators, and preceptors are as well, after about a week of deliberation I've decided that for my own self-respect this is not a fight I wish to fight at this time. I don't need to prove my worth to anyone, and during residency and orientation I should just be focusing on gaining skills and experience anyway. My mental health and my patients deserve better than my having to deal with petty BS, and experienced nurses eating their young. So I asked to transfer. While it does add a layer of stress for now (because I'm already halfway through orientation and I have to learn a new department, new group of colleagues and providers), I think it'll be good in the long run. I was interested in ICU throughout nursing school, so we'll see.

[healingme4me]

Congrats on the transfer!

http://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-...g-uncertainty/

I was in my own journal last night and it opened right up to this word. Uncertainty. I was struggling with it. And I found plenty of information, including about attachment theory.

This link isn't the only source of info on the topic, but I felt it was appropriate as it's from the archives of PC.

I am sharing because as I came to the word highlighted on the page, I thought of you and your thread.

[seesaw]

Good luck with the new position..I hope it alleviates some of the stress.

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I haven't transferred yet. It's in the works. As I am in a residency (not a traditional orientation), I'm supported by that program in my efforts to be a successful RN. So my residency coordiator, educators, and current manager (whom I've been with for 3 years) are meeting with managers from various departments to see a) who has openings b) what would be a good fit for my skill set (I have a solid background in the ER and also spinal cord rehab from when I was a tech) and personality (they do a lot of testing when you are in the hiring process, including personality) and then they c) take that into consideration with what I've requested. And I asked for either cardiac/renal intermediate or our psych-med unit (hey, work with what you know; I did really well in that clinical in nursing school. Can't imagine why. ) Psych isn't hiring; we have about 4 residents going there already. So it was going to be cardiac, but I guess the ICU manager saw some things she liked, and my preceptor and educator had suggested that unit even before I made my own requests. The only places I don't want to go are OB/labor & delivery, and geriatrics. I just don't see myself connecting in those units.

Update: Communication between JD and I is great. After I had my little freak out, and he said that everything was going to be okay, I was like, alright. He said it is, so it is. And I took a screen shot of that conversation, and there was another thing he said yesterday (something about my being more than my red hair and stuff...it was basically beyond the superficial). We've had some more Skyping, and that's been good. He's actually a quiet, calm guy which, given the fact that he's an extrovert and comes across in quite a gregarious way on the internet, I was surprised to find. But it's probably a good foil for me. And he is easily worn out, it seems. I think he has a lot on his plate lately and doesn't sleep well (I think, though he's very stable, it's all part of the bipolar). I told him today that I was confident in his affection for me, and that it wasn't necessary for me to talk to him all day. I said I love hearing from him, but I don't want to be a thing which wears him out. I know he likes to talk to me, and that he will get back to me. I said I don't want him to be overextended. (I was like, if it's been a few days, I might say, "Hey...can I get a hello??" ) I know he knows this, but sometimes we need to hear these things. I think he appreciated it. He said, "Thanks, dear. Yes, you definitely have my affection."

Screenshot.

[Confusedinomicon]

Ive been following your posts and so glad things are looking up for you.

[divine1966]

Awesome. So glad things are well!!!! Good luck with your job


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[Trippin2.0]

Things like your screenshot is what I keep in my evidence box.


I'm glad you're feeling more settled and self assured.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by Ruari

Guys, I can't do it.

I am lying in bed, crying, and it's not even 9am. I already messaged a message I said I wouldn't send because overwhelming anxiety got the best of me. I like this guy, but I need to not be anxious all the time or create drama all the time. I'm crying because I'm sad, because I know reality is not what I'm seeing. I just don't think I can do it.

I don't think you're ready for a relationship, yet. What do you think? That's my honest view and I believe this to be evidence of just that. Maybe take all this as a chance to work on yourself? Relationships, as I'm sure you're well aware, are full of challenges that can just be too much to deal with when you're struggling with something like mental health problems.

...but, having read a tidbit from your latest post, it sounds like things somehow got better, which is awesome. Still, my view hasn't quite changed. Either way, I hope things work out.

Originally Posted by IchbinkeinTeufel

I don't think you're ready for a relationship, yet. What do you think? That's my honest view and I believe this to be evidence of just that. Maybe take all this as a chance to work on yourself? Relationships, as I'm sure you're well aware, are full of challenges that can just be too much to deal with when you're struggling with something like mental health problems.

...but, having read a tidbit from your latest post, it sounds like things somehow got better, which is awesome. Still, my view hasn't quite changed. Either way, I hope things work out.

I think I'm fine. I think the people above have been following my posts for a while now, and have some insight into both where I was, how far I have come, and my thought processes. I will always struggle with mental health problems--does that mean I shut myself in a tower forever? No, it means I get out there, make an effort, and also make an effort to work on myself. JD is no stranger to mental health issues himself, being bipolar. I'm not a challenge to him. The reason I come on here and post the things like the original post, which you quoted, is so that it doesn't come out when I'm communicating with him. And that is a healthy thing to do, no? Must be, because it's working.

Thank you for your input.

[divine1966]

Well some mental health problems will never go away. Doesn't mean one shouldn't start a relationship like ever. When is the person going to be ready. I think the trick is to find right person. Everything falls in to place.

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