[seesaw]

I feel like lately I have just been using people up and spitting them out, even unintentionally. But I also feel like, I don't know, maybe I'm being hard on myself and I'm just blaming myself for everything, as usual, and having been going through a really tough time lately.

About a year ago, my dad helped me move from where I lived out of state to the state he lives, in fact just a few blocks away. He bought a condo that I could rent from him, and said that one day the condo would be mine (he meant like through his will). I was on disability at the time. Well, my father and I had a falling out, without going into too many details, it was because I wouldn't let him control every aspect of my life while he tried to FORCE me to get well -- getting better from depression and PTSD, and SI'ing at the time...not something you can force, but he thought he could.

So I moved out of his condo into another rental. And he was pissed that I continued to rent a condo in the same complex (which was really not his business), and he cut me off. I tried many times to explain to him my illness and that I didn't want things to be this way, but he refused to listen. So there was one bridge burned, and a major one. A family member, a parent, who will no longer be there for their child, who is going through the toughest time of their life.

So then, I ended up going into a lawsuit about my service dog, which I ultimately won and got a settlement. But part of the settlement was that I had to move out of my condo. I cleaned the place spic and span, but unfortunately there were a couple of damages, that I asked my landlord to take out of my deposit. He was pretty pissed at this at the time, thinking that I should have paid to have the damages fixed myself...but to be honest, I knew this guy had already spent my deposit and that I would never get it back, which is why I asked him to use my deposit to fix the damages. Otherwise I'd be out the money to fix the damages and never see my deposit because he'd never have it to pay back to me. We were on the outs for a while but now when I see him, because I'm still friends with my neighbors who live there, he's very sweet and doesn't complain and seems to be over it. I felt like maybe I had burned that bridge, but he's kind of crazy himself, with untreated bipolar and other anxiety issues that really make him hard to deal with when he goes on the rampage. So maybe that's not really a burned bridge. He's a user and he used me, and I just wouldn't let him use me even more, and he was upset with me for a time, but we seem to be cool now. He always gives me a kiss when he sees me.

The next place I moved to I only stayed a few months because I got a job in another city and had to move almost right after signing the lease! Bummer! Lol, but I hired some guys to help me move and I have done really right by them. They're friends but I knew they were strapped for cash so I said I'd pay them, and they showed up and were happy to help for the cash. They helped me move in and move out when I had to move again.

So anyways on to the next bridge burned...the ex-roommate situation that I most recently posted about, in which I paid a substantial sum to rent a room, got treated like ****, and ended up moving out mid month even though I had paid rent through the end of the month. It was a temporary situation, and my friend was really helping me out so I could start my new job in the new town while I got out from under the old apartment in old city and found a new place in new city. Well, I figured out after maybe a month and a half that I could have rented a small efficiency for cheaper and temporarily and not had to deal with ***** roommate, but I digress. She was cold and rude to me from the beginning. She complained, after I moved, that she "had done nothing but clean up after me for three months" which is not true at all. I know that I did not help with chores as much as I should have, but I largely felt like a guest in that place and her cold demeanor and *****y attitude made me feel afraid from asking what she needed me to do, because she would always come back with some passive aggressive insult. Anyways, I wrote at some length about that in another thread, but my point is I feel like I had a good friend in a new city (although I grew up in this city and I have lots of high school friends and family here) that I burned a bridge with because what, I didn't vacuum enough? I don't know, that seems like ******** to me, but nevertheless I lost a friend, and really multiple new friends I had made through her, basically a friend group subset, because the situation didn't work out. I don't know how I'm supposed to make that situation right.

With my dad, there's not much I can do. He's part of the reason I have PTSD and depression anyways, from the childhood abuse and neglect. His treatment of me when he tried to "help" me ended up being a continuation of that abuse. I have tried to reconnect with him since going back to work, and I think, maybe, we're slowly on the way to healing. Except that, even with healing, I have realized I can never have the relationship I would like from him because he's just, well, an asshole. So yeah, my dad is an asshole and it's just something I have to deal with.

My old landlord...well, I think he's over the fact that he didn't get to use me and basically steal from me more than he already did, lol. He's always very happy to see me, and gives me a kiss. And I feel like if he ever needed help moving or whatever that, as a friend, I'd be there for him, because he was there for me. I don't feel like it's a burned bridge but it was a disagreement that's old and we're both over it.

My friend/ex-roommie: yeah, bridge burned to a crisp. But I also don't feel like I was the one who did all the burning. When she started getting pissed that I wasn't helping out more, the only thing I knew was that she was acting cold and rude towards me. She didn't ask for help. When I first moved in, she had specifically said that she vacuums once a week and didn't need any help doing that. After I'd been there a couple of weeks she emailed me with a few items that she'd like help with, which I tried to keep an eye on. But if it wasn't enough, shouldn't she have just said, I need you to do more. You aren't doing this enough? If she's the one having the problem, then isn't it her responsibility to speak up and say so in way that's not passive aggressive and constructive? So I feel like she's the one who burned the bridge, not me. I have said numerous times that just because we didn't work out as roommates, and have different lifestyle habits, does not mean that we can't still enjoy each other's friendship, but she does not think this way.

Have I just been using people up and spitting them out? Logically, I don't feel like this is true. Logically, I feel like I have been though the toughest year of my life and what has shown to me is that some people have been understanding and tried to help and some people have decided they can't understand or won't understand or won't acknowledge what I'm going through and have just bailed. And I know lots of people have been through this. Emotionally, I feel like everything is my fault and if I could have only done this or done that, then my father would love me, my friend would still like me, etc. But I also know, logically, that I can't make people like me or love me. And I know that doing this or that was impossible and may still be impossible for me because of my level of depression and ptsd and agoraphobia.

On one hand I feel like this awful person who did an awful thing to my father and my friend. On the other hand, I feel like a person who has been to hell and back and had a father and friend who both failed to understand the magnitude of my illnesses and wanted me to act like a totally healthy person when I could not, and this was just not right of them.

I don't know. I could use some encouragement.

Seesaw

[mwake]

Life throws challenges, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger!!!

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk

[mwake]

You seem to have had a lot of stressful events lately. Being kind to yourself is a start if you're not doing that already...I work you all the best with your journey, I think things happen for a reason...

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[Bill3]

I agree with the to hell and back perspective.

(((((seesaw)))))

[curley]

I realize you can only get well if you want to, but don't you think with all of this.....you should give it a chance.
It appears that nothing is going right for you. I have been in that place and it sucks. But are all of these situations everyone else
's fault???? Really???
I know in my situations it has been difficult for me to realize that I was the one with the problem.
I know getting myself in a good place made the rest of my life a lot smoother.
Maybe something to consider???

[seesaw]

Curley, I did not go into detail for the sake of time and space. But the point of the post was NOT blaming others but blaming myself for situations that I really couldn't control.

I had written a long post but got timed out so I will just write a shortened version of it here. The thing with my father is a thing between me and my father that has been there a long time, and NO, I don't think I'm to blame for it. I did everything I could to do right by him and he refuses to have anything but minimal contact.

The thing with the landlord, also did everything I could to do right by him, even paid him several thousand dollars in rent when I moved out to cover 6 months of rent there so he wouldn't be out a tenant and income. He and I are on very good terms; I'm just paranoid about that situation because there was tension there for a while. He and I are back to being friends.

The big thing is the ex roommate. And the more I think about this, the more I feel it is she who has burned the bridge and not myself. If she could have a mature discussion without passive aggressive comments dripping in vitriol, I would be willing to speak with her, but I'm not going to have a pointless discussion with someone who just wants to hurl insults. I've had many MANY roommates in the past and never had these problems. Having a roommate requires flexibility and communication, something this person could not do. She refused to have an flexibility or to communicate with me about things that bothered her. I have had roommates do things that bother me in the past, and I felt like I could freely say so to them, but not with her, because she is disrespectful and rude. I have had previous roommates say things that bothered them, and I apologized genuinely and fixed whatever the problem was, but not with her because she never communicated to me that she was having a problem with something.

My original post never claimed that I wasn't the problem. In fact, it was just the opposite. But the more I think about this situation with the roommate, which is the one that bothers me the most, the more I am convinced that 1) I did the best I could, which may not have been enough but it's the best I could do 2) I have to accept that my ex roommate is the way she is and she should never have a roommate and I found that out the hard way and 3) I feel like she took advantage of me, which as a friend, makes me angry and hurt.

Like I said, I'd be willing to keep this bridge standing if I could, but SHE has chosen to burn it. She has been the one to say we will have no more contact now that the roommate part is over and that our friendship, which existed before, shall no longer exist. That's her choice, not mine.

Curley, to your comment that nothing is going right for me, that's very untrue. I have had three unfortunate conflicts in the past 18 months, one that is mending, one that is mended, and one that is probably gone for good. But getting a new job and coming off of disability, while hard, is a very good thing that has happened in my life. Reconnecting with lots of friends and family that live in my new town, also a good thing that has happened in my life.

So I apologize, but I respectfully disagree with your take on what has been happening, and I thank you, because your comment has made me realize that I'm not just wandering around burning bridges or using people up and spitting them out, which is what I was afraid I was doing. So thank you for helping me put my thoughts straight.

Seesaw

[Molinit]

I think that if I knew you I wouldn't get into any situation involving money or a living situation with you due to your history. Take that however you wish.

Originally Posted by Molinit

I think that if I knew you I wouldn't get into any situation involving money or a living situation with you due to your history. Take that however you wish.

I'm sorry that you're going through stuff right now; it's tough to feel unsettled and have so much on your plate.

I do second what Molinit said. My general motto in life is that I don't make commitments unless I mean to keep them. That goes for anything from hanging out with a friend to signing a lease on an apartment. It's part of being an adult, mental illness, disability, or no. People don't tend to tolerate when commitments are broken repeatedly; I have a friend who is a nice person, but she can be quite a flake, and it's frustrating.

References are required for lots of things; apartments, jobs, heck...when I went to volunteer at the local no-kill cat shelter, I had to provide references. Just something to think about.

Hi seesaw,

After reading your posts, it sounds like what was happening was things that typically happen, but just all in one painful row. Sometimes it's not the number of things that went wrong that make it your fault, but just bad luck.

I think you might not have been looking out for yourself enough. Moving into a condo that was owned by your abusive dad? I think it was a bad idea for your sake, even though I know you might really have wanted to try to have a good relationship with him.

The ex-roommate situation seems like a common one. I think a lack of communication was probably a big player, but maybe the next time you have a roommate, you could have each other make a list of chores and who does what? A lot of hurt feelings can result from living with another person, especially if they're particular about how the the house or apartment should be. Hopefully she calms down over the fact that you weren't as "tidy" as she wanted you to be. Unless you were creating huge messes, which is rare and I don't think you were, I wouldn't begrudge someone over something like that, since being roommates means not having the place exactly as you want it, but how both people want it. It sounds like you were willing to clean more if she asked.

Plus, since you are just bringing up these few incidents, I'm sure other things have been going on in your life as well.

It sounds like you made things work between you and the landlord who was mad you didn't pay for damages. Were they significant damages? Maybe you could have let him know about them once they appeared? Or were they smaller things that you didn't notice until you moved out?

It's true that some people won't understand if you are going through a tough time. Especially if you're good at hiding your troubles or worries. I think you should be kind to yourself. It sounds like you just didn't let fires burn your bridges. If anything, it sounds like you've been taking care of yourself.

[seesaw]

In regards to references, I have great references from all my jobs, my landlords, etc. even the landlord that I was saying there was a problem with. I did pay for the damages, in the form of the security deposit, which was for any damages caused to the apartment. Plus I did pay him extra money although I did not mention that here.

I am a very trustworthy person. I always keep my word. I am not indebted to anyone nor do I ever borrow money from people. I don't know where you all are getting the impression that I have or do that. I work a good job and have a stable career; I am not a flake, as someone suggested.

Breezey, I appreciate your input. The more I think about it, I look at the patterns of my whole life and this has not been a pattern my whole life, just a few things that have happened within the last 18 months. You're right that I didn't look out for myself when I decided to rent a place from my dad. There were red flags all over that from the beginning. The landlord after that, I must have miscommunicated there in my post, I did pay for the damages to be covered (and then some). So there is no hard feelings there. With the ex-roommate, I have had multiple ex roommates and never had issues like this with them. Never had communication problems like this with them. Sure we had our gripes, because there is always give and take with being a roommate, but never such volatility and passive aggressiveness.

I wouldn't mind having another roommate in the future, but with a split floorplan unit and a bigger place, but not with someone like her. And you're right, Breezy, chore assignments can be a big help in alleviating problems. We probably should have done that and it would have saved us some issues, but it wasn't just about chores being done. She was rude and cold and acted like from day one that she didn't want me there...in fact...she was the one using me. Because she said she needed a roommate to help her get out of debt for a while, so she was excited to have me as a roommate, but the minute she cashed my rent check she started treating me like ****. Plus...and here' s a big flag that I should've paid attention to and will learn from now right away: she was very mean and cruel to my dog, who is a service dog. I won't go into detail, but it was clear that even though she had a dog, she doesn't like dogs. And for me, a dog rescuer, and owner of a service dog that performs life saving tasks...that was well, difficult to say the least.

Seesaw

[Molinit]

You were the one who posted asking for opinions on whether you burn bridges or not. My response comes from a place of not wanting to deal with someone who has a history of conflict when it comes to money or a living situation.

You know what I mean. And actually, "flake" was the word I was looking for and I realized that when the other poster used the word.

If you choose to recognize the problem you can try to fix it. If you choose not to, then you'll keep having conflict with people and it would be best to not have a roommate at all in the future.

Originally Posted by seesaw

I am a very trustworthy person. I always keep my word. I am not indebted to anyone nor do I ever borrow money from people. I don't know where you all are getting the impression that I have or do that. I work a good job and have a stable career; I am not a flake, as someone suggested.

That was actually my post; you can call people out by name on this forum. It's a safe space, here.

I actually didn't suggest you were a flake. I was speaking about a friend of mine who takes not taking responsibility to the extreme, and she comes off as a flake. What I was suggesting is that this is not how you want to be portrayed.

To be honest, the original post reads as if there is some lack of personal responsibility, so this is what I responded to. Apologies if I read it wrong, but I responded to what I read. Advice was asked for, and was given in as polite a manner as possible. Not all the advice is going to be what you want to hear. I am sorry if that seems harsh, it's the nature of the forum. I don't always like it myself, but I accept it.

[seesaw]

Hi Ruari,

Thank you for clarifying. My problem is that I take personal responsibility to the other extreme, hence the nature of my post being paranoid that I'm doing wrong by others. The unfortunate part of this forum too is that it's difficult to give the full layout and spectrum of any given situation. I, myself, tend to be codependent and feel responsible for others emotions and I realize now that my post was my codependent traits coming out, worrying too much how other people feel and trying to control that. But you can't control how other people feel. Someone pointed out to me, and I think they were right, that I didn't burn the bridge with the roommate. I tried to keep the friendship going, but she didn't want that. I think that this is accurate. I was willing to recognize that the roommate thing didn't work out between us but we could still be friends, but she felt like she couldn't move past our roommate issues. I am friends with nearly all my past roommates.

Seesaw

[Bill3]

Here is what I wonder: how do you get yourself into situations with volatile people? For example, what possessed you to live in your dad's condo? How did you overlook the fact that your roommate was cruel to your dog?

In asking how you made these what sound like questionable if not unfortunate choices that threw you in with difficult people, I would wonder if and how they are connected to the events of the past that brought about your PTSD and SI. I do not label you or blame you in any way. I just ask with interest and compassion that you think about how you came several times, apparently, to land yourself in situations where you and your dog were mistreated and had to fight your way out.

Looking back: how much did you sense the red flags but ignore them? --versus-- How much did miss the red flags entirely? I expect that your perceptions and decisions go back in a significant way to the PTSD, codependency, and whatever happened to create these conditions and behaviors in you.

Have you the opportunity to discuss these questions with a T?

(((((seesaw)))))

[seesaw]

Bill, you are so right in so many ways. That's really all I can say. You've given me a lot to think about.

Thanks, Seesaw

You have good replies from Breezy and Bill. I don't think you burn bridges. Actually sometimes bridges need to be burned. You can try to fix a relationship only to re-traumatize yourself. I have done this with friends. I also have long term friends where I have had no problems at all. So I know it is not all me. When we are in crisis, it is soooo hard to function. I think you did well for what you were going through....outstanding actually.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Honestly, I think maybe you're giving meaning to something that just is. These things have happened, but it doesn't have to mean you're spitting people out and all that. I could absolutely say I do the same thing, but I guess... I just went through things that resulted in me "spitting" them out. xD Does that mean I'm a user? I hope not! Good luck.