[tealBumblebee]

I intend to ask my T about this tomorrow as well, but figured I would get some of your opinions. I'm a very talkative and outgoing person in general, but I am a bit of an introvert. I still live home, and could stay in my room for days on end if I didn't have to shower/eat. My family know that I am antisocial (it gets worse and worse as I get older), and my friends say that I am very social - but on my own terms (which is about every three months according to them - otherwise I like to do my own thing).

But I do understand that part of a healthy relationship is giving on my part. So, I try to hang out and listen, watch a show or two with the family, but its like when I'm done - i'm done. They want me to hang around because they are just starting to really enjoy me and honestly, I'm the only person in the house worth hanging out with sometimes because I don't have romance, financial, political issues, etc. I just like to watch a show, laugh, have coffee.

And then I like to be by myself for the rest of the 6-8 hours of the day before bed. Today (its 730 pm), I have spent maybe a full hour outside of my room. My mom wants to show me things on tv, cook dinner, tell me funny things - anything she can do to keep me with her longer. And I understand that she is living in a house full of people with no one to talk to.

I KNOW that it is healthy to have what T calls "time to recharge" and I KNOW how to not be used. But I also have to give a little, which means that sometimes I need to (or want to) step away from myself and see how others are, but I get so irritable and feel like i'm being held hostage by myself. How do I get past that and enjoy, even small moments, with others I care about? How can I teach myself to be nice?

You know that antisocial is a personality disorder. Have you been diagnosed with it, or you used the term as a way to say that you don't like social events? I'm not social (but not anti-social).

[tealBumblebee]

I used the term as my family uses it towards me. ("Stop being so antisocial." "You know she's antisocial.") But meaning "not sociable." I do not have antisocial personality disorder (schizotypal + dependent).

OK. Because if you had an antisocial personality disorder, then you would've needed a professional help.

As I said, I'm extremely not social, and it requires me a huge effort to socialize. The irony is that, even though I prefer to be alone most of the time, sometimes I feel so lonely. Of source, because I spend most of the time alone, my social skills are rusty to get along with people. So, I have this period of time where I feel so frustrated and lonely, but it eventually passes. I am getting used to this cycle.

I live alone, and no one pressures me to socialize. But when I go to my home country and be around family, socialization is a must, and I don't do well in it most of the time, and end up being judged as arrogant because I choose not to socialize.

Even though I'm not sociable, I will throw this: I don't have an advice for you except that if you are forced to do the social things, the result, most of the time, isn't a good one. You need to change your mind for your socialization to be genuine. It's better to not say a word than saying something not genuine.

[divine1966]

Frankly if I lived at home past childhood, I'd probably be hiding in my room too. As much as I love my family I have no desire to live with them.

How old are you? If you are an adult, I suggest you start working on moving out. Living alone or with people of your choice would allow you level of comfort.

I am a social person yet I like to have a quiet home. Maybe because I have a very loud job, I prefer no noise or socialization at home ( beyond quiet time with my partner). Or my daughter lived at home, she also liked quiet.

Anyways I think ideally moving out is step one, then you can see your family when you choose not every single minute of a day

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Trippin2.0]

Hehe, if OP moves out nobody would see them ever again, I see a full on hermit in the cards..


Seriously though Teal, idk, I take my family and friends in small doses and then when I feel the irritation bubbling in my stomach, I excuse myself.


Last Saturday I wasn't so lucky though. We all slept over at my sister's house for Friday the 13th movie night, and I was being social for too long, so I ended up screaming at a room full of people.





Tiny doses make it easier to stay nice. OD'ing on socializing causes not only exhaustion but friction too.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

I KNOW that it is healthy to have what T calls "time to recharge" and I KNOW how to not be used. But I also have to give a little, which means that sometimes I need to (or want to) step away from myself and see how others are, but I get so irritable and feel like i'm being held hostage by myself. How do I get past that and enjoy, even small moments, with others I care about? How can I teach myself to be nice?

Ok first off you are not anti social even in terms of just using it figuratively. You're clearly very introverted and need time to yourself a lot. NO one should judge you for that but many times we (I am introverted too) expect others to KNOW and understand our differences socially.

I feel that the way to at least try to do this in a positive way is to tell your mother that you care enough to try to give her time to talk and interact but explain and I emphasize this, putting this on yourself, that YOU need time to recharge, that it is not about her, that it is not that you hate people or being around them so much but it is very draining on your energy levels. Put the ball in her court by giving her the information you just explained to us. let her know KINDLY that you dont' want to hurt her feelings but that you need her to understand and hopefully accept that you need time alone and if you want to get out of there that it's not a lack of caring but for this reason alone.

From there see how she responds, see how she changes, if she does, behaviorally. If she accepts and respects you I Know this will work wonders for your relationship and your stress levels even! Maybe even do the same thing with the others in your house if you have trouble there.

[tealBumblebee]

So I tried to talk to my T about this today, and it did not go the way I thought it would. I think I wanted T to say "walk in. Smile. Say hello. etc." But she did not. Instead she told me that i'm not obligated to make other people happy. I did not want to hear this and felt that she was completely missing my point. But then she made the point that she and I have a good relationship, as have I with my few friends and that i'm not incapable of being nice, but that perhaps, instead, as I get healthier - i'm outgrowing my environment. She said that sometimes the only thing you can give is empathy. Through most of the conversation, I was kind of ready to say forget it. You're going off on these deeper tangents when that isn't at all what I wanted to hear. But as we unraveled a bit, I kind of considered that maybe the answer isn't necessarily something I want to hear but need to hear. I really don't know.

Your T is right, though. I am an ambivert, but my introvert can come out really damn quickly, and I go from social to antisocial at the drop of a dime sometimes. I have learned that it can be off-putting to some when I am at a social event and I'm "on" one moment and then, suddenly, I'm like, "Okay! It's been great! I have to go now, byeeeee" *hugs all around* Or, actually, it's more like I just pay my tab, grab my purse, wave goodbye, and leave. Lol. I've lost a few potential friend groups because they just didn't get the "Ruari is done" method of peacing out. But, I've learned the hard way that if I stay past my limit, I end up in Trippin's shoes, screaming at a room full of people. It still happens, but in that rare event, it's usually with a good friend. And they're kind of used to me being high strung, so they are just like, "Whatever. Bye." Still better if I just mind my energy, though.

Anyway. The point is that you can't force yourself in an energy bracket to which you do not belong. If you're naturally an introvert, telling you to walk in, smile, and say hello sort of goes against who you fundamentally are, and it would backfire. You can still be an introvert, and make friends, without having to subvert or forcefully override what makes you you.

[TishaBuv]

What are you doing for all those hours alone in your room? If you are on the computer/video games, you are actually being very social with people in cyberspace.

You said your mother is alone in a house full of people. That is so sad. What would change if there were no electronics?

[Talthybius]

To me it is "How to be perceived as nice."

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

. Instead she told me that i'm not obligated to make other people happy.

I did not want to hear this and felt that she was completely missing my point.

She said that sometimes the only thing you can give is empathy. .

Being "nice" involves being genuine. It's not about being more (or less) social. The point about empathy, rings true. Years ago, my "niceness" was referred to as fake, but that was in hs, when even walking into a room with a smile was considered suspect. That was because I wasn't in touch with all of me, if that makes sense? People sometimes need to get that there's a backbone buried somewhere underneath the niceness radar. They write books about "no more nice guy/girl", i read this and thought, why would you want to try to be that ?
Not that there's not a need for genuine kindness, in this world.

I can pull off the need to escape with a touch of "shy"....

It's really a matter of being honest/genuine.

Of course your T wasn't going to tell you that all you have to do is walk into a room and smile...

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Ruari

...If you're naturally an introvert, telling you to walk in, smile, and say hello sort of goes against who you fundamentally are, and it would backfire...

I think the "going against who I fundamentally am" part is what makes me so irritable when I try to force myself to be around people/be sociable. I feel like its the "right" thing to do but my body almost physically rejects the idea.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What are you doing for all those hours alone in your room?...You said your mother is alone in a house full of people. That is so sad. What would change if there were no electronics?

When no electronics are in use, my house is usually asleep. We all, somewhat, isolate. In my isolation I am playing a game on my tablet (like a city building game), sleeping, staring at a wall. Occasionally I will try writing a pen pal or watch a show but it depends on how much energy I feel I can expend. I spend a large bulk of time daydreaming or imagining social scenarios in my head.

In regards to my mom. T feels its more of a "she made her bed now lay in it" kind of thing, as growing up wasn't all that precious - but (and call it the dependent part of me) I do greatly love my mother and care about her being "not depressed" in her isolation. T also mentioned that my mother and I have an enmeshed relationship and we are likely differentiating a bit which is causing my mother, and possibly myself, to grieve.

Originally Posted by Talthybius

To me it is "How to be perceived as nice."

Yeah, this is true to a degree. But i'm already perceived as "nice" by basically everyone (though they know I can throw an occasional mood, i'm basically viewed as that happy go lucky, no care in the world, kind of person). I think I want to invest equally what is invested in me. So, I feel like I should dedicate some time away from myself to focus on what others want or to make them feel special, or to have some time where their presence is enjoyed without any need attached (which is also how I would like to be treated, though most the time I am needed which kind of kick started the isolation).

Originally Posted by healingme4me

......Of course your T wasn't going to tell you that all you have to do is walk into a room and smile...

(Repeat of what I told Talthy ^^). I did talk to T though, and explain my frustration with not being told what I want. She said that she will try to be more practical in her advise when we discuss it again.

Today, I was able to be sociable with my mom for a consistent three hours. I could tell she felt heard and loved, and enjoyed the interaction. I didn't mind because i'd had a lot of quiet time before and had a nap as well. I kind of forced myself to sit down and listen to her, and though I zoned out a small bit, it wasn't so hard today. How do I do this on the not so easy days?

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

How do I do this on the not so easy days?

Just don't do it for so long. Make it about quality time, not quantity of time. Even a half hour or real, meaningful conversation is better than three hours where you're not fully present. (Not at all saying you weren't fully present in your three hours, I'm just making a point.)