[Robyn51]

My partner has admitted that she doesn't find me attractive sometimes because of my mental health. Right now I don't know if I will ever feel better so maybe she will never find me attractive. I feel like she doesn't find sex very appealing, it's always on her terms and she said it makes her cringe when I ask if we are going to have sex soon, but I only ask because I feel like otherwise it just isn't going to happen. Is this a part of my mental health problems or is it normal to be worried about how often we have sex? Right now I feel like a sex pest again. I drain her so much with my mental health, I think sex has become a chore. She sees it as I think of sex as a reward, I see it as- hello I fancy you you're my partner I want to sleep with you!! Argh dunno what to do got myself in a state now and she's just gone to sleep and I feel like an idiot

[TishaBuv]

No, this has nothing to do with your mental health. It seems your partner is calling all the shots in the sex department. She is the one who decides when you have sex together, and you need to ask her when that will be? That's not a great set-up. It sounds like she is totally in control.

[Robyn51]

She said nearly everything in the relationship revolves around me and sometimes she feels wether we have sex is the only thing she can control. She says when I've been a mope or drained her she doesn't feel attracted to me in that way, and that I always seem to mention it when I've done something good or made an extra effort and it's as if it's a reward. My sex drive is a lot higher than hers. I don't try it on during the week because she works. So then I think oh we can have sex because it's the weekend and there's always a reason, or she's not in the mood and then when I mention it it makes her cringe so she feels pressured to have sex and it becomes a chore. But I mention it because I can't just initiate it anymore for fear of it not being the right time and then I get impatient waiting for her to initiate. What's stupid is it makes me cry if I can't have it

[Robyn51]

Makes me feel like she doesn't fancy me.

And then I get upset which puts her off even more. Let's just say Saturday morning sexy time won't be happening now. Cos I ruined the mood by crying. Put too much pressure on it.

[Robyn51]

I love her to bits. Why is it so wrong to just want sex with her for the sheer sake of I fancy you, you're my partner, I'm turned on.

But it's got to the point now it's always on my mind "when are we going to sleep together again next?" "What can I do to make it happen" and then in the end I keep suggesting it almost as a hint or a reminder, which then decreases the chance of sex so then I get even more frustrated which affects me emotionally which she then finds unnatractive

[Robyn51]

I've never ever thought of cheating. It's wrong and it's disrespectful. But right now I'm having thoughts of saying "if you don't want to have sex with me, shall I just go get it somewhere else" obviously I'm not going to do it, it would be unfair, manipulative and probably do damage to the relationship but I'm sick and tired of this situation

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Robyn51

I've never ever thought of cheating. It's wrong and it's disrespectful. But right now I'm having thoughts of saying "if you don't want to have sex with me, shall I just go get it somewhere else" obviously I'm not going to do it, it would be unfair, manipulative and probably do damage to the relationship but I'm sick and tired of this situation

Ultimatums in relationships under that context are not good and likely you'll cause further hurt. But yeah, I see where you're coming from - feeling frustrated and somewhat rejected so you're just 'venting out loud' and wouldn't do it. Sex once a week frankly isn't much of an ask ... she cringes at the though of sex? Oh my ... something very wrong there ...

[divine1966]

Does she show affection otherwise? I do not have nearly as much sex as my fiancée would want, which would be like every day. There is no way, but I am very affectionate otherwise plus my reasoning isn't lack of attraction but just exhaustion and he knows it. Frankly if her reason is lack of attraction maybe it's time to cut your losses.

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[Robyn51]

I basically just put too much pressure on it I think. And that's what's unnatractive. Grrr

[Prism Bunny]

You should not have to put up with someone blaming your mental illness for her reason to avoid sexual intimacy. How you described her, she sounds controlling and unreasonable, all while making herself out to be a victim somehow. If one has trouble keeping up with another's sexual urges, they should both find agreeable solutions. All successful, balanced relationships work through communication and compromises, but it seems you have been doing all of that while she has not. I am sorry that you are neglected while feeling ashamed to ask for sex.

If this problem is purely based on attraction, then in my humble opinion, I think perhaps you need to find a new partner. Nothing will improve in this situation if it is about superficial issues, and she knows it too, but she may still be with you for security reasons.

Question. When did she start saying these things, and did you notice any behavioral changes before, during, or after work? How about on the weekends? Other than avoidance, I mean.

[Robyn51]

It's funny. Because we had a chat this morning. It was slightly heated. Then I reminded her that I am not my mental health I am her girlfriend who suffers with it, in the same way that she had a cold last week but she was still my partner not a cold. I told her I know that things are frustrating with my mental health not being good right now, but that sex is still important. She agrees with me but she said I need to stop basing wether we have sex on whether she finds me attractive or not. She said that stress comes out for me in my moods, stress comes out for her by being tired or just wanting a bit of space. She said sometimes she feels like she's taking advantage of me if she knows that my mental health isn't good, and that sometimes when I've dragged a situation on its not an attractive quality.
She also says she wants sex with her girlfriend, and that recently I've not been my usual self and it feels like she's living with someone else.
I feel like I can understand both my side and hers.
I know she loves me, she shows it in other ways all of the time. I've just made a rule that I won't mention sex unless it hasn't happened at the weekend.

Funnily enough, we've been intimate after that chat.

[Robyn51]

I do fear I may have a slight sex addiction/dependency in that I feel neglected and deeply hurt if I don't have it

[Robyn51]

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

You should not have to put up with someone blaming your mental illness for her reason to avoid sexual intimacy. How you described her, she sounds controlling and unreasonable, all while making herself out to be a victim somehow. If one has trouble keeping up with another's sexual urges, they should both find agreeable solutions. All successful, balanced relationships work through communication and compromises, but it seems you have been doing all of that while she has not. I am sorry that you are neglected while feeling ashamed to ask for sex.

If this problem is purely based on attraction, then in my humble opinion, you need to find a new partner. Nothing will improve in this situation, and she knows it too, but she may still be with you for security reasons.

Question. When did she start saying these things, and did you notice any behavioral changes before, during, or after work? How about on the weekends? Other than avoidance, I mean.

To be honest, after work I don't even bother now, she's so tired- she works 9-10 hour shifts. I just show her I love her in other ways like cooking dinner or buying flowers.
She sometimes leaves me little notes when I'm at college and she messages me that she loves me throughout the day. We generally work as a team in our relationship, but I think sometimes it's too stressful for her to feel intimate. So then I mention it and it becomes more planned and she doesn't like that. I don't know if some of this is to do with my past abusive relationship- he would literally wake me up to have sex with me even when I didn't want it. But despite that overstepping my boundaries, I got through because "atleast he fancies me"
Which is something she told me I really need to get out of my head, stop basing her attraction to me on wether we have sex.

I also asked her if the issue is more with her, and she said "you're not the only one who doesn't feel attractive, I don't always feel fanciable either. It's not always you that's the problem, it's me too"
So I suggested we both join a gym together and we can do things that makes us feel better about ourselves together. We both feel that this could be a good step

[Prism Bunny]

Well, overly sexual does not always mean an addiction because an addiction means the euphoria/dopamine levels completely taken over one's life to the point the risks outweigh their overall health. People tend to take ridiculous risks in order to satisfy the cravings, and they do it because, like with any drug, it comforts and temporarily numbs pain (emotional, mental, and physical).

But I do think you should read this and see if it fits at all:
Causes & Risk Factors - Hypersexual Disorders

Edit: So, now that we know more to your backstory, then yes, you need to work as a team to fix this growing problem. I have a suggestion that you should schedule an appointment with a therapist so you can explore, work out, and start to heal from all the nitty-gritty parts of your past, and if she willing, you both can see someone for couples counselling. And I am glad you decided to both go to the gym together to improve yourselves in a positive manner.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Robyn51

I do fear I may have a slight sex addiction/dependency in that I feel neglected and deeply hurt if I don't have it

This is exactly how I feel, too, and has been the downfall of my marriage that I just ended.

I agree, you both should go to counseling and try to repair this damage. It will only get worse and drive you apart.