[dwr3]

I noticed that narcissistic people are really bad at giving gifts. Perhaps it's not so important, yet it's something I've noticed some time ago. I'm a 21 year old woman. A minimalist, I have very little things and I'm very restrictive when it comes to buying stuff, because I hate unnecessary things hoarded around me. I throw away everything that doesn't serve me. Everyone knows that. Makeup accessories are the only things that I can purchase without any common sense. I need many of them. I'm also always in need of money. Everyone knows that, too. I hate every time when there's an occassion to receive things, such as name days, birthdays, women's day, even children's day.

My mother, of course, almost never respects that. She never asked me if there's anything I would want. She also loves buying unnecessary stuff. She's also great at infantilizing me. Never treats me serious, no matter how bad my state is, how bad problems I have, she would just bother me with distractions like towards a 5 year old, like birds outside the window or something she had seen in the shop.

Yeah, the gifts...It's not that bad on Christmas, because she usually buys predictable yet quite useful things such as Avon shower gels, mugs and gives me money.

Yet she often comes, buying me clothing that I then pass to charity, because it's totally not my style. I don't like wearing white tshirts with cheap printings. She also buys things in the wrong sizes. Some time ago she bought me sleeping pants, even though I hate pajamas and almost never use them. I keep it just for some time and then gonna throw it away.

Each time she boughts me something, I know exactly what she's gonna say "I saw it in the story and gosh, I LIKED it so much. It's so pretty" while giggling.

She buys me colourful mugs then to see me drinking in them each time she's around, even though I didn't ask for it and don't need it. We have enough of this stuff. And we also don't have much money. By the way, I don't like colourful things.

On the last woman' day she would be like "You don't have a boyfriend or anyone like that to appreciate you, so I bought you some underwear myself".

The same thing goes for buying lots of unnecessary food and sweets, even though I don't eat them and my father has health issues and should be eating clean but she doesn't care. SHE likes it.

There's a Children's Day on 1st of June and, okay, let's say I'm still their kid so that's fine. But she bought me a funny, totally under-aged sparkling rubber toy because she considered it funny and was like "I liked it so much when I saw it" and I felt so embarassed and intimidated I almost wanted to cry, told her that I don't have where to keep it and what to do with it, so she can take this if she likes it. There are so many things I would enjoy getting.

Since I was a little kid I remember being less childish than she was. When I got a fancy toy, she would play with it with more joy than I was. It freaked me out as hell. I always felt like it's me who has to watch out for her.

I only like gifts from her when she makes me a piece of clothing I want because she's a tailor. Yet, whenever she buys me something or makes something for me, she must then take it from my drawer and show it to her guests or other family members.

I think it is common to receive gifts that aren't necessarily what you like or want. I am fairly particular in what I like, wear, and want in my home as well. When I was in my early 20's and still lived with my aunt (which was "at home," since I didn't ever live with parents), I would always ask for gift certificates, because she never remembered my sizes, my tastes are pretty particular, and I usually wanted something kind of expensive. I figured if she got me a gift card to, say, a larger store then I could put it toward the bigger thing I wanted. And the rest of my family doesn't have a lot of money, so they tend to buy little trinkets which aren't terribly personal, because they don't really know me well anymore. In my opinion, it would be better for them to just send me a nice box of chocolates or nuts because who doesn't like that stuff? And it's inexpensive. But they don't.

I also find myself giving things away, because I don't want it to pile up. It used to bother me, but I have come to the realization that the way they give gifts is never going to change. I'm a pretty good gift giver; it's the way I show affection to people, I enjoy understanding them and what they want, and I think I do it well. That's not how everyone works, and unfortunately there isn't anything to do about it but say, "Thank you," and let that be that. I understand the disappointment, but sometimes you just have to accept that people are going to be the way they are. If it truly bothers you more than you can bear, maybe not celebrating a few holidays with them would be a good idea.

[Mondayschild]

My mother just buys me stuff she wants and to make it crystal clear, she purchases it in her size so I'll just give it to her... eventually.

I told her I would prefer she not buy me anything but she does because she wants others to see that she bought me something. Even if it's completely ridiculous.

I didn't give in last time and give her the gift back. When she does come over now, she asks about it and offers to take it. So subtle. Makes me nuts.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Originally Posted by Mondayschild

My mother just buys me stuff she wants and to make it crystal clear, she purchases it in her size so I'll just give it to her... eventually.

I told her I would prefer she not buy me anything but she does because she wants others to see that she bought me something. Even if it's completely ridiculous.

I didn't give in last time and give her the gift back. When she does come over now, she asks about it and offers to take it. So subtle. Makes me nuts.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Ugh, that's annoying that she does that. But yeah, that's definitely a way to handle it! I'd probably do that as well!

[dwr3]

My mother just buys me stuff she wants and to make it crystal clear, she purchases it in her size so I'll just give it to her... eventually.

This kind of behaviour is just sad.

[divine1966]

Some people just suck at gift giving. My brother is not narcissistic and overall is a great guy yet his gifts are a joke. I continue giving him thoughtful gifts. He is a caring person otherwise so I don't want to think poorly of him just because he sucks at gift giving. I overall don't get all up in arms about what gifts people get me. I enjoy giving gifts and am a spender. Other people aren't. That's just how it is. We are all different. Now come think of it I probably bought my daughter some gifts that were not to her liking. Don't know. I sure hope she didn't condemn me for that. Life goes on

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[dwr3]

divine1966, sure, you're right, but then growing up with narcissistic people, you get super hypervigilant over such things.

I grew up with a borderline, bipolar, alcoholic parent. There are certain gift-giving traits I was hypervigilant about. For example, if she gave me something really nice, I learned to be wary of it, because it was usually purchased when she was drunk or manic. What would usually happen is she'd get into a BPD spiral and make me feel badly for having the thing, call me ungrateful, talk about how she never had anything, and etc. Once she bought me a leather jacket. Then, months later, when we didn't have food money (because she'd spent it all in some spending spree), I complained that I was hungry. She flew into a rage, screaming, "Eat your damn jacket, then!"

Point is we all have reasons to be hypervigilant. It is up to us to find a way to heal--the people causing us to be so are probably not going to change their behavior.

[dwr3]

I was very into photography at one point in my life, my father bought me this expensive camera, which was great, but then he kept reminding me of this for the next few years "I've spent so much money, thinking you gonna get a career out of photography and make some money, now it's wasted". When I wanted to do a driving course he said he won't give me a penny, so I started it when I was working and earning my own money. I've spent really lots of cash on the whole course and exams bc it's terribly expensive here, almost half of what I've earned, he actually decided to give me like 20% of it and kept reminding me about it all the time. Such stuff is really annoying.

I'm sorry for your terrible experiences with your mom. She sounds like a really difficult person to live with.

[seesaw]

I think I know what you mean. My stepmom buys me gifts from herself and my dad and even though occasionally she gets me something I like more often than not it's nothing I need or would buy for myself just as a "for fun" thing. I end up throwing most of it away or donating it. And both my dad and she are quite narcissistic.

Originally Posted by dwr3

I was very into photography at one point in my life, my father bought me this expensive camera, which was great, but then he kept reminding me of this for the next few years "I've spent so much money, thinking you gonna get a career out of photography and make some money, now it's wasted". When I wanted to do a driving course he said he won't give me a penny, so I started it when I was working and earning my own money. I've spent really lots of cash on the whole course and exams bc it's terribly expensive here, almost half of what I've earned, he actually decided to give me like 20% of it and kept reminding me about it all the time. Such stuff is really annoying.

I'm sorry for your terrible experiences with your mom. She sounds like a really difficult person to live with.

It's okay, I haven't spoken to her since I was 15.

One time, when I was 9, she bought me an old upright piano just out of the blue. Just, suddenly, it was delivered to our home. I had taken piano lessons for less than a year when I was 6, but other than that, I never played. She always had this idea that I was some right-brained wildly gifted kid and really wanted me to be a musician. She was probably in a manic state when she purchased it and fancied me a prodigy who would just learn to play by ear, like a damn modern day Mozart or something. Needless to say, I had zero interest, and it pretty much sat and collected dust and every so often became the catalyst to a gigantic fight about how she sacrificed so much for me...

Incidentally, I was considered gifted when I was a kid, got sent to a special school and everything one day per week in order to receive more specialized, advanced instruction. And I did more or less teach myself to play the violin from the age of 10. I guess I just wasn't feeling it with the piano.

[divine1966]

The most hideous offensive gift I had experience with was one of my ex's relatives bought my ex for Christmas. We just sat there and looked at it. It was aerator set ( bunch of tools for wine lover). My ex is recovering ( unfortunately unsuccessfully as he eventually always relapsed and since I left he stopped trying) alcoholic. Everyone knew he had a long struggle with addiction and was on 6 months of not touching alcohol at the moment. Needless to say we immediately returned said item but often times some careless thing like this would prompt a relapse. What prompted such gift is forever beyond me. Ex thought that people were too cheap to buy anything and just regifted what someone else gave them. He is probably right but still...

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by dwr3

divine1966, sure, you're right, but then growing up with narcissistic people, you get super hypervigilant over such things.

For sure. I agree and understand , I have to watch for certain things too.

My parents are very good with gift giving but it sometimes a substitute for emotional availability, which my parents very much lacking. That's why i am trying not to get hung up on gifts. My brother gives hideous gifts but he is emotionally available in times of need. My parents give great gifts but they aren't there emotionally when needed.

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