[ravenescence]

I'm new here...I kind of floated in as a result of realizing I've slipped back into depression. I've struggled with self image problems for a long time, and recent events, and recent heartaches, have made it worse. It's affecting everything, and now my new marriage is getting wrapped up in it.

I lost a best friend in a tragic accident just a few months before my wedding. He would have been there, and that was bad enough. I'm still not over it, nor do I expect to be any time soon.

My husband has been my rock through so much. It takes a long time to build my complete trust in a relationship, and he had it.

One thing I've never been comfortable with is strip clubs. I actually used to bartend at one (not dance), and I've seen what goes on at some bachelor parties. Let's just say I wasn't very sold on the idea of them after that.

Here's where it gets complicated.

My husband's brother was his best man. His brother, for a long time, was a very close friend of mine; distance, and seperate lives, kind of eroded that a little...as did his change in personality. He put up this front of being a lady's man, and constantly gives off this pompous attitude that I just can't tolerate. Underneath it all, he's a dork. That's a GOOD thing. He was a sweet, caring guy who wasn't the most popular in high school, but he was sincere. He did the extreme personality makeover in college, and that was the end of the sweet guy.

Before the wedding, I had numerous panic episodes about the bachelor party. I thought I made my stance clear to both the best man and my husband. Then, he came home after his bachelor party weekend of gambling, and I find out he had lap dances...something that the best man promised me wouldn't happen. (Note: I didn't make my husband promise; I guess I made a mistake in "assuming" he'd known my stance on the issue from many, many previous conversations.) I value that he told me the truth...but it still felt like double betrayal. My husband didn't realize how much it'd hurt me, but now realizes his error and is trying very hard to fix it; his brother, not so much. He sent an email apology, which I abruptly tore apart online. At the wedding a month later, I could understand him not wanting to broach the topic, but here we are, and still nothing. He even told some of the bridesmaids he'd do it "all over again, it's his brother." What about my friendship? My feelings?

I haven't even been able to bring myself to have a real intimate relationship with my husband since--and we had a healthy sex life prior. I've tried to initiate things, but it doesn't get very far before I have to stop him--I feel like I'm being assaulted. I've given up. I picture him getting a lap dance, and I want to vomit. I just fluctuate between rage, depression, and self-disgust. I look at past acts I've done with him and suddenly see them in a negative light, when they were something done out of love, in a healthy relationship. I can't stand being naked, save to shower, and I can't cope with him seeing me or me seeing him in that state. This is a guy who I've lived with and used to leave the bathroom door open to, no matter what I was doing.

Since returning to "normal" life--all wedding stuff out of the way--my feelings are just overwhelming. I want this marriage to work, we've known each other and been together many years before we made this commitment--but I can't get past it right now. I know many guys have done worse, but it's something that makes me now feel less special and significant. I've been assured that I am prettier than those girls, but so what? It doesn't change the fact that other naked girls were on his lap.

Between losing my friend, losing yet another friend through this, and my hurt feelings in general, everything just feels so heavy. So many people have an attitude of "it's just a bachelor party, no big deal," but it IS a big deal to me. People knew this. Then, there was my bachelorette party. Mine was going to be tame--going out to bars with some good friends (girls and guys), NO strip clubs (I think male strip clubs are ridiculous; I have no issue with female strip clubs, but I DO have an issue with physical contact)...and let's just say all my emotions wrapped up in this + vodka I decided to drink = me crying in a bathroom hysterically. It ruined everything I'd looked forward to.

It's still ruining things. I want it to stop.

Anyone ever feel like this? I'm not usually a jealous girl...but this overstepped some major boundaries for me. It is highlighting issues I've managed to keep in check for YEARS. I don't want to look in mirrors. I've been losing my appetite and have gone back to punching walls...I used to punch walls until my knuckles bruised/bled...and now I'm finding comfort there again when the rage comes...ugh. I'm so confused about how I feel about me, my life, my husband, everything...

Anyone ever feel like this? I'm not usually a jealous girl...but this overstepped some major boundaries for me. It is highlighting issues I've managed to keep in check for YEARS. I don't want to look in mirrors. I've been losing my appetite and have gone back to punching walls...I used to punch walls until my knuckles bruised/bled...and now I'm finding comfort there again when the rage comes...ugh. I'm so confused about how I feel about me, my life, my husband, everything...

Deal with those issues that you've stuffed. Get a therapist ASAP and deal. If you feel that your husband could go with you, after a time, take him so that he will understand what this brings up. good luck, love, pat

[ravenescence]

What kind of therapist do you suggest? I've never been to therapy...like a "regular" therapist? a sex therapist? I'm clueless.

[dorsey555]

Ravenescence,
I'm really sorry that you're going through a rough time. Try if you can, to be gentle with yourself. Don't turn the rage on to yourself. Grief can spill out over everything. My son's death has affected so many areas of my life. So much is going on with you right now, i agree with Pat about finding a therapist. For me, what works is looking for a female therapist. If you have insurance, and even if you don't, most of the therapist will post what thier specialties are, like grief,marital,etc. Sometimes word of mouth is good if you know someone going to one. I've had to go through a couple of therapist that weren't for me, but when i found the one that was, she helped me more than words could say. I wish the very best for you. Don't give up.
Dorsey

[Wants2Fly]

Welcome to Psych Central, and congratulations on taking the first steps to deal with your issues.

I, too, prefer a female counselor, preferably one close to me in age, as I have found that younger ones are clueless about the problems of aging.

The first one you interview is not always the right one for you. If you have health insurance, there may be a list in your booklet of system providers. In my Yellow Pages, therapists are listed under Counselors, Psychological Therapists, and Psychotherapists.

Psych Central has a page where you can type in your zip code to find a counselor, http://psychcentral.com/resources/

Accessible through the mental health link on the page above is this page that includes many articles about what psychotherapy is, types, and so forth.

http://www.aboutpsychotherapy.com/

As you investigate the resources here at PC, you will find out everything you want and need to know.

Best wishes for making your marriage work and healing yourself.

[AmatureBombTech]

Hi Hun.

It's important to understand that we all have different views and feelings about how we view these situations. For whatever reason, your negative views on what happened with something that you had nothing to do with, has been cause for you to take your anger out on people that have different feelings and ideals about that issue. It is imperative to remember that we are all different and although there are some a--holes (you B-I-L) in this world that OBVIOUSLY will never have the full respect of a woman because he doesn't quite understand the idea of give and take...we have to sometime let the leash out a little because not all people in other relationships see these things as taboo or not allowed.

We need to respect that we have to allow for some slight indescretions...how many times have you checked out another man's body?? I can guarantee you that your husband does it to other woman and probably flirts sometimes too. Those are 'allowable indescretions'. Well when we get with friends, we are always slightly poorly behaved and do things that we shouldn't. We do it, the partner may find out that we 'mooned a cop' or something but we need to choose to either get past that or let it eat us alive forever.

So far you have allowed something that probably lasted all of 30 seconds to destroy this whole first phase of your marriage...which should be the best...why? This isn't about his lapdance...it's about YOUR PTSD (death of YOUR friend) and YOUR own esteem issues...not about HIS strippers in HIS lap....nor his brother being disrespectful to you.

If you know he loves and respects you, you know that he didn't reciprocate on what the dancers were doing,,,so why is this bothering you so much? Because something has changed within you. You always had the jelousy and esteem issue in you...it just took a traumatic event to bring it out. The death of your good friend showed you just how quickly all of your precious life's work and loved one's could be taken from you and therefore, now you feel that a something as quick and simple as a ***** that sells her body by dancing on men's laps can steal your husband.... It's not going to happen hun! And you know that.....

Please get yourself to a therapist ASAP. The longer you let the PTSD go without treatment the worse it gets.

ABT