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#1
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I have been thinking about a series of posts by Seeker that have explored the nature and pitfalls of later-life dating and relationships. Each of you will have to decide what "later life" means. For me, it means after 50 -- and certainly does not include 30s and early 40s when women usually still have a measure of physical attractiveness.
I do not feel ready for dating or anything like that, after a bad break-up of a 15-year couple-ship in 2003. Seeker's post have made me think, however: Despite Fayerody's example to the contrary, I believe that: 1. There's not much out there, in the way, of potential mates, in men my age and older. 2. We all have baggage, and their children, ex-wives, unwillingness to commit, expectations of dating younger (sometimes much younger) women, and their deteriorating bodies are not particularly attractive. So I've been experimenting with the notion of pretending that my own fears, and my belief about the marketplace of available marketplace of males, ARE NOT TRUE. What would it feel like to admit that I want to love passionately, intimately, and have a relationship that makes my heart pound and my panties wet? If I were to admit any such thing, I would next have to cope with the statistical reality that I have a better of chance of being killed by a terrorist than of ever having such a relationship (according to an article in one of the news magazines some years ago). So what's the point?, I ask myself. What would the point be of preparing myself to love again, knowing how improbable it would be? Comments anyone?
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#2
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take my hand and jump off with me..........
it's a crapshoot. i need stimulating conversation, a shoulder, an ear, fun and wet panties........xoxoxo pat |
#3
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Hi WantsToFly,
Funny you should bring up the very subject that I sat down to write on. in fact I have some questions of my own that I'll write in a new posts about the subject of dating for myself. I can relate to your struggle, but for me and me only, I'm thinking: 1. if I see myself as deteriorating physically, with just a "measure" of attractiveness, then what about the fact that I am more loving, sensitive, wise, and intellegent than I was 10,20,30 years ago?(I'm 51) 2. That maybe, just maybe, there are some men who aren't looking for a "perfect' woman.(perfect being younger in today's society) 2.That maybe, instead of seeing men as potential mates, i can see them as potential friends. One thing that time has taught me, microwave love does not exist.(that's a fairly new lesson) 3.that if I lived by statistics I would be dead right now, or at the very least locked up somewhere. i'm entertaining the thought of letting go of what society says about me. it's either that or believe that I have loss "value" as a woman and as a human being. Your feedback on my post would be appreciated. I wish you the best.
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....never give up...love never dies... |
#4
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very good post, dorsey........excellent points. xoxoxo faye
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#5
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#6
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This is a great topic, and one, as you've said, Wants, to which I've given a great deal of thought. I'm three years recovered now from the wet panties, passionate lovemaking with a man who, at the time, was 49 and I was 53. Bottom line is that I fell head over heels in love and he did not!
Had I been a 20's, 30's, or even 40's something, I think I would have bounced back and resumed dating, but over 50 with such humiliation is hard to recover from...at least for me! I find it particularly embarrassing to have been intimate...sex being the most intimate thing two people can share, and come out of it feeling like a fool! I know there are women who just want a f-buddy, and some mature women can do that, but it's not in my emotional makeup. And I like who I am and don't want to change in that respect. I've dated a lot since my divorce of 11 years ago, and, Wants, all the characteristics of the older men you described...I've experienced firsthand. I'm truly appalled now at how much I've compromised myself in these attempts at forming relationships. On the positive side, I do still interact well with both sexes, as friends, freely engaging in conversation and willingness to get to know the person. I doubt I'll ever be interested in a man romantically again though...Guess I've been burned one too many times! I applaud Pat (Fayerody) for her sense of adventure! Patty ![]() |
#7
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I just want to add, since my post sounds so negative, that, for those over 50 women (and men) just beginning to ponder dating again...I say go for it! My experiences are unique to me and probably my own poor judgment in and lack of discernment, too willing to compromise, that led to the bad results!
I do think as we mature, we are more likely to recognize red flags, and question potential partners...Questioning is good, but I've found men to shy away from this...another red flag! For the sake of this discussion, I want to recount the characters....in order: *Much younger man who turned stalker when I tried to detach. *Bag o' wind who had abhorrent sexual expectations. *Sick man who deceived me about his health condition, turning me into a nursemaid while on dialysis. *Narcissist artist, con artist who was being pursued for back child support and by the IRS. *...and last, the Psych Ph.D., super sexy fella. I want to add here, that though this may sound like a LOT of dating, I have actually spent years in between recovering from each one, and they all presented themselves as up-front gentlemen...They were not! My poor judgment is probably the most to blame here! Patty ![]() |
#8
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I like what each of you has to say, and I'm going to your thread now, Dorsey, to respond.
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#9
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I hope that my posts here weren't a "thread ender!" I've thought about this and feel that I've dwelled too much on my bad experiences here on PC. I'm going to refrain from doing so in the future, as I'm recovered and don't want to dissuade others from dating and seeking relationships! I've had some dreams lately in which I've been contacted by some of these "characters," and I can't remember their names!...asking repeatedly..."Who are you!?" I like this, as it seems even in my subconscious, I've dismissed them.
Wants2fly has brought up an interesting and valid topic here, and I hope others will chime in! Love Patty |
#10
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Seeker,
I liked what you had to say. this is as close to a conciousness raising group as I've been able to find. They all went out with the 70's and 80's.( I know, I went looking for one) I was thinking just this morning as I was writing in my journal. I've been full of fear and negative expectations about potential relationships based on my past relationships. (believe me, you don't want to hear about them) I have changed over the years. i'm smarter, more compassionate, more insightful. if I'm not the same woman, why do I expect men that i meet to be the same? Is ity because my reality is in the past instead of the now? "As a man thinketh, so is he." (ask Oprah, she made her won reality) Sure, we are not Oprah, but if she can move out of her past, so can we. When I look at my own dreams and goals, a relationship is just one goal. I've been making it my end all, my saving grace, a indication of my worth. No wonder i've been so dissapointed by them. i'm going to TRY to expect a man to be no more "perfect" than I am. (there's a thought) I'm going to join a couple of free dating site today. this is my third time trying. i've grown now, let's see what happens. forgive my wordiness. I'm just so glad to be exploring the subject, where the emphasis is on "us" not "them" Hopefully this dialog will continue.
__________________
....never give up...love never dies... |
#11
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Oh, thanks so much, dear Dorsey, for your positive thoughts! I can't go to dating sites (if you mean online), as this is how I encountered my bad experiences, though I know that others here have actually met life partners thru that venue.
What do you mean by free dating sites? Patty |
#12
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i met Bill on a literary message board with a group that i joined..........seek out message boards and websites reflecting your interests. we had a very good 6 years.....
![]() i'd stay away from dating services. "what you see, is not what you get".........xoxoxo pat |
#13
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Pat, I like what you say about meeting through common interests. That has always been the way for me.
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#14
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And Seeker, no, not a thread ender. Not to worry.
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#15
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Wow, thanks everybody for your suggestions. Seeker, by "free" I mean sites that don't cost anything to join or to be a member. it's one way of not trying so hard. Ok...common interests...there's medicine(I'm a nurse). You know times have changed when all of the docs are young enough to almost be my sons.(the rest are married)Then there's acting...where the men are more self-absorbed than I am.There's church, where I've found that I tend to lose my focus(God) when I'm trying to look cute for a man. There's my bipolar..and DocJohn told me to steer away from that. One crazy person is enough for one relationship.(he didn't say that part) Well, it's back to online dating. All I can say is I promise to be careful, and to have outside interests, and to do what DocJohn suggest, to "aim high." Don't you love that? Well, thanks again ladies. I hope you're around if I get my heart broken. Oh, by the way, the only reason I'm being so positive is because if I really took a serious look at the statistics, "Educated Black Woman Over 50," I'd go jump off a bridge.
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....never give up...love never dies... |
#16
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Hey girls,
You don't have to respond but i needed to be honest. I've taken myself off of the online dating site. I realize that I have a lot of healing to do in the area of childhood sexual abuse before I can take any kind of step in that direction, especially one so impersonal in nature. i'll be hanging out in the abuse forum for a while and maybe in the grief forum(july 27 is the 14th year anniversary of my son's suicide.) I guess i belong in a few forums. That's probally why I'd like to escape into the pursuit of a relationship. Anyway,take care all. dorsey
__________________
....never give up...love never dies... |
#17
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Good luck, Dorsey. See you around the PC "campus."
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#18
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Dorsey...this is a very wise move on your part!....We all want love and acceptance from a partner, but by focusing on your own issues first, you are doing the right thng!
So many people, escape into relationships before they are ready, only to find hurtful situations (myself included!)... I am no longer doing that either, and am focusing on things that are self-healing and healthier. Love Patty |
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