Who else here has given up on relationships..?

Hi, all...
I realize I don't want to extend myself anymore for a romantic relationship. I guess I'm tired...tired of the initial meeting and scrutiny, tired of the work of getting to know someone, tired of the emotional anxiety which seemed to always ensue.
Happily content in solitude here, I can't envision having a man invading my space, and this is coming from someone who only and ALWAYS wanted a love of my life!
Maybe it's an age thing.... but I'm no longer willing to compromise myself and my own interests, needs for a man.
Does anyone else here have this feeling, or am I just sick?
Patty

NO - YOU are not SICK...... I have been married for 20 years and if my husband goes before me I will not be putting the effort into another man.... I will just be happy with me and enjoy my kids and grand-children.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Thanks, Rhapsody, for the reply and validation. I too have lovely 4 year old twin grandsons (to visit me this weekend from KY!...YEA!).
The crap I have put up with in dating is now appalling to me...truly.
Patty

I haven't given up on relationships, but then I am not looking.. I think I am not looking is because I have been "loved toooo much" in the past... I make awful choices regarding men.. So it is best for me to stay single.. Besides, when ever a guy shows interest in me I think what is wrong with him, he must be a serial killer or something.. I would much prefer having a male friend. I do better with friendships than relationships...

Good observation, Radio...Male friends are a good thing!
Patty

seeker1950 i pretty much have given up on relationships i got so used to being alone that when someone does come in i can't stand it i don't know maybe im suppose to be single for the rest of my life you know too that i have seen so many yrelationships fall apart that i fear the same thing but i am also tired of the initial meeting i wish we could go from point a to point d without the middle you know but i also have to two guy friends and i think i am going to stick with that for a while

I gave up relationships with men so I could figure out how to have one with myself...spent soooooooo much time validating myself through others that I never never develope a good one with myself....now that I have, my whole perspective on the relationship has changed along with me. And the absolutely cool thing about it is that all that other crap that used to "HAVE" to happen in the meeting, getting to know, and ultimately becoming involved with someont...GONE....no more games....now instead of attracting messed up guys to my messed up self, I am attracting really cool, grounded happy folks....open and honest. I allow them to be them and they allow me to be me. But for the mean time, I'm rather enjoying just being me with me....whatever happens, happens...it's all cool.

So Seeker, you are so NOT sick as far as I am concerned. You are just fine!

I shifted to bunnies 10 years gao and have had the calmest years of my life. It is too hard for me to keep me seperate from thee, energy wise.... I feel everybody's feelings that I am in physical proximity with..... the only way I could get clear was isolation. Now, after lots of work and time, I am much more stable in my boundaries.

If I did meet a miracle on two feet at some poiint, I would know what not to do, and, what to do better---from the beginning-!!!-- to protect myself from old traps and patterns.

But, I love living alone with my bunnies. If I ever do try a one to one primary thing, it would be a friendship. Sex is too much for my asperger's self. I can admit that now.......

I have totally given up on relationships. I was married for 16 yrs and now divorced for 5 yet he is worse now than when we were married as far as being possessive, obsessive and just plain crazy I think. So I question my judgement in men and will never let myself get involved with someone again to get my heart ripped out and stomped on and manipulated and on and on and on........I'm sure there are very happy relationships out there and many, many good men that treat women with respect and love but just can't imagine what circumstance would ever cause me to get involved again. I know at 41yrs old that may mean a very long time alone but........oh, well.

Can absolutely relate. For me, aging has had alot to do with my views on relationships, especially when it comes to not wanting to compromise, as we were so willing to do when we were younger. With age comes more knowledge and clarity about what we want/don't want; like/don't like, regardless of whether it is illness-driven or not.

I'm just waiting for my current to crack. (What optimism!) When that happens, that's it for me as far as the mate-thing goes. Like you, I just don't have it in me to go through it all anymore. Must be gettin' old...

Funny, isn't it, how the one thing we fought so hard to get all our lives is what we forfeit in the end...

Nope, not that nuts.

AS

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The crap I have put up with in dating is now appalling to me...truly.

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That's just too funny...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SO MANY OF US (AND ALL JUST OVER 40 TOO!) ARE GIVING UP ON WHAT WE'VE WANTED THE MOST.

Actually, it's kinda sad, now that I think about it? What do we do now? Just live and die? Too dramatic?? (seriously, too dramatic?)

AS

These are all great responses. On one level, I guess it could be viewed as "sad," though i am happier now than I've been in a very long time. I like Hillbunny's living peacefully with her bunnies.
Love
Patty

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Besides, when ever a guy shows interest in me I think what is wrong with him, he must be a serial killer or something..

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I always accuse my boyfriend of being slightly "bent" himself since he is so willing to put up with my BS. But actually, for him, I am the perfect girlfriend. I leave him alone to do his own thing (he's a computer systems engineer and spends alot of his free time on that). This frees me up to live in my own little world (our conversations go something like this: "I love you, but leave me alone, ok?") Works pretty well, so far.

I still think he's nuts, though. Of course, he has had a history with strong-willed, crazy women (mom, sister, ex, his daughters (2 out of 3), me...) so this is probably normal for him. The biggest thing I hate, though, is the fact that he thinks ALL women act this way and therefore, are all crazy.

Altered State

Well, from reading your Who Else has given up on relationships, I couldn't agree more! I am a married man, 55 years old, two big cats, a little dog, and I really want some new animal, I had a bunny, who was my fat cat's best friend, however he died and I really believe a part of the cat died with him. The poor thing goes to the garage door each morning (where Karl) the rabbit lived and looks for him, it brings tears to my eyes sometimes. However, I have gotten off the subject, I divorced my wife of 29 years to remarry a sweetheart of 20 years ago, not only was it a mistake, but I tell you, if something does't give soon, I am taking my gang of animals and heading for the hills, so I guess what I am trying to say is you really don't need someone on two feet who directs your life, etc., and as far as sex goes, I realized, actually just a few months ago (Jan 30 to be exact Who needs it? So I am becoming a old man who is finally at peace with life. Hang in there!!

i have a visual of one man and several women and TONS of animals, running for the hills..........

LOL, Faye!

for you, Patty.....i found it in a box that i am unpacking..

too funny pat!

balm for the soul, balm for the soul........

So true, Pat~! Thanks for the "laugh out loud!"
Patty

Finding respect from your lover. I hope you stay happy alone. Alone is basically what we are anyway and that is the state we are most in weather we share the turf with our mate or not. So loving being on your own is it.

But if you get real lucky and learn to have it all, you still have to conduct the days like a concert. Sometimes the music is rocking during the day and getting intense and then there is mysterious smoke and dramatic light shows, than some fire works and loud undulating sounds, some are shrill but than later there's you running to the bathroom to pee, and a bunch of people in line uncomfortable like you, than youre all off for some more fun but than all of a sudden everybody gets is acting ragged and needs to rest for two days., but throws things first, thats the time 5,000 cars are trying to leave the concert parking lot! Finally boring everyday life comes back in view and you're home and laundry aint done and mostly that's what we are given but all and all learning to share and have some fun together when we can, eating, resting, traveling and doing our own bender adventrues, because one of us recuperates from the concert first and tip toes around in consideration for the others who have smile on their sleeping faces but it makes it all worth it. It can't be dependent on anything, just change change change and respect, respect and respect for yourself and others, with lots of rest.

I was in some abusive homes with my kids and marriges, but it can work if I step back. That's one thing I learned more about when I hit 40. I finally been getting a better feel for driving my car and now my life, remembering the two steps forward two steps back, especially to step back, when I'm behind the wheel.. It's a road trip. It reminds me of a road trip to me of getting along and keeping it real and keeping it compassionite. I have to keep reminding myself to walk in the other person's moccicens and than all goes real well. I think of the symphonies and how they have the parts of it divided up with different types of sounds in the one total piece. It's the exposition, the rondo and the smoother motif than back to the exposition again and try to allow for changing gears with people I'm around, remembering they might need cue to change gears too and me to change than when I honestly see I need to shift up or down, thinking life ought to be more like a symphony (now that I am getting older, I am starting to appreciate them because when I was younger I only did rock) or I step back and breathe good while I treat life more like a long cross country drive trip, (every now and than checking to see if I have my emergency kit in the back, extra odds and ends and rest on the side of the road and if I breathe in and out and hang in there and than carry on when I can some more

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seeker1950 said:
Hi, all...
I realize I don't want to extend myself anymore for a romantic relationship. I guess I'm tired...tired of the initial meeting and scrutiny, tired of the work of getting to know someone, tired of the emotional anxiety which seemed to always ensue.
Happily content in solitude here, I can't envision having a man invading my space, and this is coming from someone who only and ALWAYS wanted a love of my life!
Maybe it's an age thing.... but I'm no longer willing to compromise myself and my own interests, needs for a man.
Does anyone else here have this feeling, or am I just sick?
Patty

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I think you are too complicated. If you trust your higher power and have enough self esteem you would be able date. If you really dated and really tried to find someone wonderful, it would be worth all of the backache. You could have the stamina to be successful but you don't want to have it because you moan and groan and act like it is a bad thing to have a fantastic person in your life. YOu act like the hunt is not worth it.

I hate to critizie but so many people today are too lazy to hunt for a compatable person. Instead they function by tradition. They tell themself that they are "old " now and that it is just too late. Well you will live out the decisions you have made. All of us can get a blessing if our heart is in the right place, if we have integrety and are believers in good outcomes. These are the things I have. I deserve a prosperous life. I don't have to settle for less than that.

Anything that is good takes prayer and usually a bit of work.
It is never too late

Yes. I was terribly hurt 3 years ago, and I thought I would be well past it by now, all on my feet, having a great time. I cannot imagine allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to be in a relationship with a man, but what's worse, I am having trouble developing sustaining relationships with women friends. It keeps me in my comfort zone to stay home alone; I am never bored. But I am not having a very good time, either.

Hmmm...Wants2fly.... I couldn't believe your words, since you sound exactly like me! I could have written exactly the same post! Kind of eerie, actually. I even wondered if someone who knows me was posting as a joke (er sumpthin'!).....

I don't know why I find it necessary to isolate myself right now, having done so for two years since my last dating disaster. Prior to that, I had refrained from dating for three years, and thinkng I was "better," tentatively ventured into meeting somone, which resulted in another painful long recovery. LIke you, I do not ever see myself being vulnerable again. In the meantime, though, I have also distanced myself even from my female friends, declining social invitations or even getting together casually. I seem to need this quiet time, though I am no longer sad or hurting in any way emotionally. Like you say, it is a comfort zone, I guess.
Patty

***************I think you are too complicated. If you trust your higher power and have enough self esteem you would be able date. If you really dated and really tried to find someone wonderful, it would be worth all of the backache. You could have the stamina to be successful but you don't want to have it because you moan and groan and act like it is a bad thing to have a fantastic person in your life. YOu act like the hunt is not worth it.

I hate to critizie but so many people today are too lazy to hunt for a compatable person. Instead they function by tradition. They tell themself that they are "old " now and that it is just too late. Well you will live out the decisions you have made. All of us can get a blessing if our heart is in the right place, if we have integrety and are believers in good outcomes. These are the things I have. I deserve a prosperous life. I don't have to settle for less than that.******************

i know Patty really well and i don't think she's been characterized fairly at all by your comments. she's explained herself.

i find Patty to be a wonderfully warm and loving person. we communicate almost every day and Patty is far from lazy about maintaining a relationship and her integrity is top notch. Patty has never moaned and groaned to me about anything and believe you me, she's had plenty to complain about it. she takes care of her family, her work and her friends. all without a negative word.

she teaches art to middle school children and her committment to those children is superb.

Patty has been hurt and if she needs a long time to recover and then she still makes the decision to not have a man in her life.......that's fine by me. i've been single 16 years and i damned sure am not too lazy and whiney to get through my life without being married. pat