[Celest Stone]

Hi I've been separated for 3 yrs after 32 yrs of marriage and now 35yrs together. I have been mentally abused and physically by my H and we have separated before twice,always with the promise of not happening again. He also had drinking issues and resolved them for 10 yrs then went back to it, broke us again, now this time it was the same only worse and the most disrespectful part was having him chating and doing things on the net with other women while i slept right in the same room. After I had open heart surgery he was even worse he had a by-pass and i was there every moment of the day, day in and out. when I had mine he didn't even come stay just popped in to say hi and left. When i got home i couldn't walk up stairs for a month so he was free to do as he please up stairs and now worry about it, when i finally went up there i discovered that he was on line web running and he didn't tell me cause i didn't see it in the minimized state this went on for a few weeks before I caught on and then i realized i was also on that web getting changed and being exposed to people I didn't know, and while i slept he did his thing, I gave him the choice he said my internet it's harmless and that he was a nudist now.....ok what to do I tried to ignore it but after about 9 mths i had enough and I started to get the feeling I needed to leave and maybe he would come around. So now I wait am I stupid to wait when he is out with others now and doesn't give me the time of day, i cant stop the love i felt that long ago and it just keeps me reliving stuff i dont' want to how do i stop it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Celest Stone: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in such a confusing & difficult situation. My spouse & I have been married a similar number of years to yours. So I have at least some small sense of what this must be like. I'm afraid I don't have much of anything to offer in the way of suggestions. It sounds to me as though this is a marriage that has simply come to a final painful end. It may simply be time to bring it to an end legally. From what you wrote, it sounds as though the man you married no longer exists. And the one who took his place is not someone you can, or should, be expected to tolerate. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you after so many years. But it is what it is, I fear. So I send healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find your way through this most difficult situation.

I was in two marraiges cumulatively for 28 years of emotionally abusive co-dependency. I was just a kid (17) when I entered the first relationship and went quickly straight to the second. What I am saying is I had no experience of being on y own and no idea who I was - I didn't even know where my interests lay. There I was at 45 with out a clue what direction to take....

Do you have the means to just take off for a week or two away from your present 'world' to a new one? A completely different experience?

Fortunately I did and I discovered a whole new person with some very important interests. This discovery increased my confidence which in turn lead to new aquaintanceships. Getting away was the most important thing I have ever done.

Unable to temprarily 'run away'? I figure it would still be possible to explore. Take a survey art course. Audit a class at a university. Choose a book to read that is a completely different style than what you usually read. Grab some single interest magazines and see what pops out at you. Get a few day passes to your leisure centre. Visit a climbing wall. Rent a canoe. Take in a play at the theatre. In short, try new things. They also are great ways to meet new people and build aquaintanceships.

[Seablisse]

I am separated now ( divorce pending) for several months from my husband. Having never lived alone in my entire life the first month or so took some getting used to. I was fortunate to have a close friend stay with me my first week. She was so comforting! I am learning a whole new side of myself and finding out its not so bad on my own after all. There is no strife, no negativity and the peace is amazing.
I wish you the best of luck.

[highnrg1]

When you say you have been separated for three years, do you mean you are actually separated (not living together) or are you just living separately in the same house? Either is challenging, to be sure.

I was separated for 3 years (not living together) before my divorce became final 2 years ago. My adult son graduated from college and has a good job, but is living with me (and paying some rent and expenses) until he pays off his student loans. He comes and goes (and is very considerate) but I know that helps me tremendously, because I was lonely at times.

However, even at my loneliest, being TOTALLY alone for those three years, I had SO MUCH MORE PEACE because I was not walking on eggshells all the time in my own home. So first of all, if you are "separated" but still living together, I would say to try to do whatever you can to find a place where you can be safe. Then, feelings of loneliness are absolutely normal and will be very common at first. During those times, find thine things to do that you enjoy. One of my favorite things that I valued was that I could watch any TV show I wanted. I could stay up late and read. I could go to bed whenever I wanted. If I didn't feel like cooking, I didn't have to. Those may seem like dumb things, but they came to mean FREEDOM to me and I learned to value them. When the blues washed over me, (as they often did and still do), I stop and think of the things that I do have…my safety, my freedom, peace with not having to worry about a volatile relationship…and great family and friends.

I hope that you can get safe first and foremost. When my dad was cheating on my mom (they eventually got divorced), she used to say, "If I'm going to be lonely, then I should learn to be alone." I think staying in a relationship where someone is disrespecting you like that, with no intent of changing and when he does not care how much he is hurting you, is worse than being alone, in the end. You deserve better!

It is time to learn to love yourself again Best of luck to you!

[Seablisse]

Originally Posted by highnrg1

When you say you have been separated for three years, do you mean you are actually separated (not living together) or are you just living separately in the same house? Either is challenging, to be sure.

I was separated for 3 years (not living together) before my divorce became final 2 years ago. My adult son graduated from college and has a good job, but is living with me (and paying some rent and expenses) until he pays off his student loans. He comes and goes (and is very considerate) but I know that helps me tremendously, because I was lonely at times.

However, even at my loneliest, being TOTALLY alone for those three years, I had SO MUCH MORE PEACE because I was not walking on eggshells all the time in my own home. So first of all, if you are "separated" but still living together, I would say to try to do whatever you can to find a place where you can be safe. Then, feelings of loneliness are absolutely normal and will be very common at first. During those times, find thine things to do that you enjoy. One of my favorite things that I valued was that I could watch any TV show I wanted. I could stay up late and read. I could go to bed whenever I wanted. If I didn't feel like cooking, I didn't have to. Those may seem like dumb things, but they came to mean FREEDOM to me and I learned to value them. When the blues washed over me, (as they often did and still do), I stop and think of the things that I do have…my safety, my freedom, peace with not having to worry about a volatile relationship…and great family and friends.

I hope that you can get safe first and foremost. When my dad was cheating on my mom (they eventually got divorced), she used to say, "If I'm going to be lonely, then I should learn to be alone." I think staying in a relationship where someone is disrespecting you like that, with no intent of changing and when he does not care how much he is hurting you, is worse than being alone, in the end. You deserve better!

It is time to learn to love yourself again Best of luck to you!

I agree with you. I myself feel so liberated. All the freedoms I now have that I didn't have before are simply amazing. And...I am not stressed out anymore. I have become so calm ( aka back to my old self).

Lovin the freedom.....