[snehne21]

Its a very long post. I have been married now for 8 years. I have two kids, aged 7 and 5. Last month I have found out that my wife is cheating, physically and financially, and is probably doing so for quite a long time, may be since the start of marriage. I have solid proofs. There is no question of living with her anymore. How to get out of this situation is a serious question. My kids are cuddly bears. Although my wife is at times abusive and has mood swings but overall she is a reasonable mother to them. I don’t want my kids to suffer even one day. In an ideal case scenario, they shall not even notice her absence.
Option 1: If I hire a nanny and a housemaid after her leaving, what is the guarantee that kids will accept the situation as it is? If I will try to hire before, she won’t let me do it. The other problem would be to find a good pair of them within my financial constraints. Otherwise changing them every other month would be a rather bigger disaster.
Option 2: Leave the kids with her and make reasonable arrangements and bring the kids back. There are many problems with this plan. She is narcissistic. She has never said the word Sorry in eight years after any fight we had even if it was her fault. She would portray her family: mom/dad/siblings as direct descendants of gods. Once put in this situation with proof that she is the worst one on earth, she can be extremely dangerous. I won’t trust her with kids for a few seconds after I have shown her the true face. Secondly, I don’t particularly find myself trusting ladies really soon (no offense to ladies, I know its not true for all but I am not that strong, I am an ordinary person and would sure need help to get back to normal). So would not actually be able to re-marry soon, even if I would like to do it for kids.
Please help with ideas. Every passing day, my energies to fight all this are tending to zero. I am so badly hurt and cannot stop thinking WHY? I am sure not the best one on this globe but sure not anywhere near worst either. I am very well educated person from an educated family. My parents have a perfect relationship. Never heard anything like this in my family ever. Please help.

[Trippin2.0]

Children adapt and adjust, they're very resilient like that. Not like us adults who get stuck in our ways and refuse to leave our comfort zones.


Staying will mean raising them in an unhealthy environment...

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by snehne21

Its a very long post. I have been married now for 8 years. I have two kids, aged 7 and 5. Last month I have found out that my wife is cheating, physically and financially, and is probably doing so for quite a long time, may be since the start of marriage. I have solid proofs. There is no question of living with her anymore. How to get out of this situation is a serious question. My kids are cuddly bears. Although my wife is at times abusive and has mood swings but overall she is a reasonable mother to them. I don’t want my kids to suffer even one day. In an ideal case scenario, they shall not even notice her absence.
Option 1: If I hire a nanny and a housemaid after her leaving, what is the guarantee that kids will accept the situation as it is? If I will try to hire before, she won’t let me do it. The other problem would be to find a good pair of them within my financial constraints. Otherwise changing them every other month would be a rather bigger disaster.
Option 2: Leave the kids with her and make reasonable arrangements and bring the kids back. There are many problems with this plan. She is narcissistic. She has never said the word Sorry in eight years after any fight we had even if it was her fault. She would portray her family: mom/dad/siblings as direct descendants of gods. Once put in this situation with proof that she is the worst one on earth, she can be extremely dangerous. I won’t trust her with kids for a few seconds after I have shown her the true face. Secondly, I don’t particularly find myself trusting ladies really soon (no offense to ladies, I know its not true for all but I am not that strong, I am an ordinary person and would sure need help to get back to normal). So would not actually be able to re-marry soon, even if I would like to do it for kids.
Please help with ideas. Every passing day, my energies to fight all this are tending to zero. I am so badly hurt and cannot stop thinking WHY? I am sure not the best one on this globe but sure not anywhere near worst either. I am very well educated person from an educated family. My parents have a perfect relationship. Never heard anything like this in my family ever. Please help.

initially you minimize her being abusive the fact that you don't trust her with the kids speaks otherwise. Fact of the matter is, if they are being abused, constantly or periodically you need to get them out of there. even without the cheating coming into play that would be my suggestion, so adding that just underscores your need to get out and get the kids to safety.

She's probably worse than what is shown here.

Leaving her with the kids would be a mistake. In my mind it should not be an option. The alternatives are far worse for the kids than them adjusting to you and your wife being apart and their dealing with single parents. And they will adjust. Be a good parent yourself, give them all of your love and caring and they will bounce back. The opposite is true if you either stay together and let them see the marriage break down and deal with abuse or allow their mother to be responsible for their care primarily. It will break them and they will end up with a lifetime of trauma to deal with.

If you have the means, please do what you can to get out now. do not wait. The longer you let it go the worse it gets and the harder it becomes to do so.

GTFO. You obviously care about the impact this will have on the kids, so make it as easy on them as possible, but you are sleeping with the enemy.

[Talthybius]

Seeing the bitter hatred between my parents, who seem to love fighting each other and destroy all value in each other's life, staying together out of pride, spite, weakness, or cruelty, scarred me for life.

When people say 'There is no such thing as staying together for the children.' I believe them. But it all depends on how long you can keep up the charade, towards your children, that you love and respect each other.

Don't fall into the trap of codependency and enabling.

Children are very good at understanding and adapting. Remember, this happens all the time and the majority of them turn out well. Just be Dad the best you can be.

Good luck!

[BipolarMama31]

My parents should have never been married. We begged them to divorce. The kids are more aware to whats going on then you think.
Also, get legal advice.

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

[packleader2]

[QUOTE=s4ndm4n2006;5179830]initially you minimize her being abusive the fact that you don't trust her with the kids speaks otherwise. Fact of the matter is, if they are being abused, constantly or periodically you need to get them out of there. even without the cheating coming into play that would be my suggestion, so adding that just underscores your need to get out and get the kids to safety.

She's probably worse than what is shown here.

Do you have a legal, separation agreement with your wife? I don't know if you are in a no-fault divorce state, but amidst all the stress, I would at least consult with a lawyer so you can navigate through this and protect yourself, your assets and your kids. I believe in mother's rights, but it seems she needs help and counseling, or marriage counselling maybe, where you can sort all this out.

[helplessandhopeful]

Well. I am sorry for what you are going through. I was in a bad relationship for 19 years and stayed because I was afraid of leaving and because of the kids. Now that they are all grown up, they tell me things that make me wish I had left sooner.
That being said, what you're going through is tough. Maybe find a lawyer to give you some advice - are there any in the UK that give a free consultation? Might help make things more clear.
Anyway, good luck, it's not going to be easy but it will be worth it.

[snehne21]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

Seeing the bitter hatred between my parents, who seem to love fighting each other and destroy all value in each other's life, staying together out of pride, spite, weakness, or cruelty, scarred me for life.

When people say 'There is no such thing as staying together for the children.' I believe them. But it all depends on how long you can keep up the charade, towards your children, that you love and respect each other.

Nearly four years ago, my elder one saw us fighting and kept asking for weeks about that. That was when I figured kids are not that small now, and decided never to do that again in front of children (or even otherwise). The price I had to pay was/is whenever I disagree to her, I will just keep quite and won't start a heated argument, she will be abgry and mentally torture me but children would be kind of safe. Before this, whenever we had an argument, she would never use logic just blah blah rubbish, and when cornered with logic she will take it out on children.
I don't want my children to suffer at any cost or even see any of arguments we have. I would better leave and get a fair share of pain.

[snehne21]

A few months ago (before knowing all this), I asked if we shall see a therapist because of her depression (she lost someone in her family), her anger (which she accepted was ever growing) and on top her desire to have another child (which I didn't agree at all, and result was obvious). She brutally denied to see the therapist. Now I understand why? She knew, therapist could have figured out what she is doing. Note that, the evidence I have collected shows that she was doing this as early as third month of marriage when she was used to tell me she is in seventh heaven.

It is ripping my life apart. I am good at what I do. I am waisting time for last one moth, doing absolutely nothing, which can be disasterous in this competitive market. This work of mine makes me a nerd or geek at times which can be a pain in the ar.... Does that allow her to do what she did. Also this work of mine won't allow me to parent to kids without help. I am not very much worried about legal situation here. I do not plan to leave her without any compensation as long as she agrees to do it quietly and smoothly.

I have contacted a lawyer, a psychatrist and also have quicken the process of finding a housemaid and a nany. Lets see how it all goes. Too much to process at the moment for my heart and mind. I loved her and this gives me the false hope that everything would be fine, just keep delaying.