[Shadix]

Today I saw this girl I occasionally talk to at the gym. It was my first time seeing her in about a little over a month. I saw her from far away and did not recognize her because she did her hair differently. But she noticed me facing that direction and I guess assumed I was looking at her so she smiled and said hi. I smiled and waved also but did not walk over and talk to her because I was a bit far and I felt that would be weird. I went about my workout. Then later she was using one of the machines which I would walk by on my way to the other room. I am pretty sure I noticed her looking in my direction at one point. Before walking in that direction I tried to summon up the courage to walk over and say something but I just couldn't think of what to say. So I ended up just walking by without saying anything.

Why is this so difficult for me? I feel like this is something that should be simple. But is isn't. I am so sick of this feeling. Eventually I am going to run out of time and then there will be nothing left but regret

[Anrea]

It sounds like you created a perfectly natural interaction. It may have been too much, too soon if you did more. It will be normal to be the first to say hi next time. If she is uninterested, she will barely look up, look away quick, mumble hi and focus on her task. If she is interested in people, and you, she will focus on your face, look into your eyes and say hi back in a way that you know she is willing to continue to talk.

I am 51. Boy would I be different now then I was then. Carpe Diem and all that.

What I decided sometime in my 30's, when I decided to begin a more honest life was - it is a compliment to someone if I let them know I am interested in them. Even if they are not interested back, it was still a compliment. Be honest about an interest, and respectful to being thwarted. Smile as you walk away, they said no to one of the greatest people in the world and all that.

She is interested, or she wouldn't look. Especially because she initiated the first hi. When you see her again, and you will, and she remembered you, just pause and say - Hi again, we haven't met yet, my name is ____. I have seen you around here before. Didn't you get your hair cut/fixed/changed? I really like it. (then when the uncomfortable pause begins, if she doesn't fix it - say a comfortable goodbye like). Have a great work out. Or, Gotta go, see you.

But once you open the door to talking, the door stays open til you shut it.
Remember, shyness is super sweet to girls.
Remember, this gym is a place you go for something you like, if you meet someone there, then decide you don't like them, will it be awkward? Is the gym a place you want to meet someone - so feel comfortable in the gym. It is your place. The space beneath your feet is what you own, and you are allowed to be there.

I practice feeling not awkward because I envision an MMORPG character. You know how the pixels of your character seem to exist inside a square? Well, I own the square I am in, and all the emotions I feel are allowed to live in all the space of that square, all around and beneath and above me. This is how I don't let my emotions get sucked into me like I bit a lemon and am puckering my emotions. Inflate yourself.

Being confident in myself and finding myself is basically a matter of listening to my instincts. Just listen to yourself. You are your very best friend - but we aren't always taught that. So we are upset when we don't match with what we think we should be. Then we try to change, well - who you are inside, that guy - - He is great. Just be him, and you will be very well liked.

People love confidence, and developing confidence isn't becoming someone, it is accepting the person who is already there.

Also remember, when it is natural and just flows, it is a good thing. When it is uncomfortable, and awkward, it isn't quite right. Just because at first glance you think she MIGHT be someone you want to know better - she could also be someone who you don't want to get to know better. Just because you are interested in someone at first glance, doesn't mean they will be good for YOUR soul. You have to treat others as you wish to be treated BUT you also must expect others to treat you back just as well.

Hugs, best of luck to you! (sorry if I said more then I should, I am missing my adult sons).

[Crazy Hitch]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think in context, having a conversation whilst they're in a middle of a workout probably isn't all that easy. Even if you had said something, the conversation might not have gotten that far if the person was in the middle of counting reps or something. Try not to overthink it too much, you've had conversations with her in the past, no reason why you might not encounter opportunities to say hi again in the future.

[Shadix]

I'm afraid that she's going to think I am unfriendly or uninterested in talking to her.

A big part of the problem is that society is generally too judgmental of guys approaching girls. It is not considered normal acceptable behavior like it used to be. Now it pretty much depends on whether or not the girl finds the guy cute and cool. Girls want to judge us but they don't want to do the approaching themselves. It makes no sense to me.

[Anrea]

She said hi first last time. It is your turn.

[Michelea]

Doubt she thinks that about you, since you have already been having friendly conversations...and she has welcomed those.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Shadix

I'm afraid that she's going to think I am unfriendly or uninterested in talking to her.

A big part of the problem is that society is generally too judgmental of guys approaching girls. It is not considered normal acceptable behavior like it used to be. Now it pretty much depends on whether or not the girl finds the guy cute and cool. Girls want to judge us but they don't want to do the approaching themselves. It makes no sense to me.

Again where do you get this information ???? That is another false assumption on your part.

[divine1966]

Once again you started with perfectly understandable normal legitimate concern being unable to approach girls but then all of a sudden it becomes again " society is judgemental".

Men approach women all the time everywhere, it's normal acceptable behavior. . And there is no such thing as collective society caring of what you do.

Why don't you focus on issue at hand that you are having trouble talking and connecting to people rather than some non existent wrongly assumed issue

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[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by Shadix

A big part of the problem is that society is generally too judgmental of guys approaching girls. It is not considered normal acceptable behavior like it used to be. Now it pretty much depends on whether or not the girl finds the guy cute and cool. Girls want to judge us but they don't want to do the approaching themselves. It makes no sense to me.

Putting aside all the stuff about society etc. What this boils down to is that if the woman finds you attractive / interesting etc, she will show interest. If she doesn't, she will reject you.

There is nothing wrong with this.

I see this rhetoric about how society says don't hit on women, but that they respond to guys that they find charming and attractive. Here's the thing. Why would they not reject men that they don't find charming and attractive?

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

Putting aside all the stuff about society etc. What this boils down to is that if the woman finds you attractive / interesting etc, she will show interest. If she doesn't, she will reject you.

There is nothing wrong with this.

I see this rhetoric about how society says don't hit on women, but that they respond to guys that they find charming and attractive. Here's the thing. Why would they not reject men that they don't find charming and attractive?

Yes. But the problem is not simply women rejecting men they aren't interested in. The problem is that men who are deemed unattractive or awkward or "older" are shamed and ridiculed for making any attempts at approaching women. Basically if a reasonably attractive young man approaches a woman and she isn't interested, she will reject him politely an respectfully and that's all there is to it. But if the man is awkward or unattractive or more than a few years older than her, he is a weirdo and a creep.

If it weren't for this social stigma against men simply trying to connect with women we are interested in, I could just go confidently show interest in her without worrying about being shamed and ridiculed.

[Michelea]

I think there are some people, both male and female, whose immaturity level shows when they choose to ridicule or shame someone for any reason.

However, it is not all people that do this. Never has been, and never will be.

If you approach her, she may accept or decline, but from what you have said...I don't think she, this person, would shame or ridicule you. Do you?

[NewCommer]

Originally Posted by Anrea

It sounds like you created a perfectly natural interaction. It may have been too much, too soon if you did more. It will be normal to be the first to say hi next time. If she is uninterested, she will barely look up, look away quick, mumble hi and focus on her task. If she is interested in people, and you, she will focus on your face, look into your eyes and say hi back in a way that you know she is willing to continue to talk.

I am 51. Boy would I be different now then I was then. Carpe Diem and all that.

What I decided sometime in my 30's, when I decided to begin a more honest life was - it is a compliment to someone if I let them know I am interested in them. Even if they are not interested back, it was still a compliment. Be honest about an interest, and respectful to being thwarted. Smile as you walk away, they said no to one of the greatest people in the world and all that.

She is interested, or she wouldn't look. Especially because she initiated the first hi. When you see her again, and you will, and she remembered you, just pause and say - Hi again, we haven't met yet, my name is ____. I have seen you around here before. Didn't you get your hair cut/fixed/changed? I really like it. (then when the uncomfortable pause begins, if she doesn't fix it - say a comfortable goodbye like). Have a great work out. Or, Gotta go, see you.

But once you open the door to talking, the door stays open til you shut it.
Remember, shyness is super sweet to girls.
Remember, this gym is a place you go for something you like, if you meet someone there, then decide you don't like them, will it be awkward? Is the gym a place you want to meet someone - so feel comfortable in the gym. It is your place. The space beneath your feet is what you own, and you are allowed to be there.

I practice feeling not awkward because I envision an MMORPG character. You know how the pixels of your character seem to exist inside a square? Well, I own the square I am in, and all the emotions I feel are allowed to live in all the space of that square, all around and beneath and above me. This is how I don't let my emotions get sucked into me like I bit a lemon and am puckering my emotions. Inflate yourself.

Being confident in myself and finding myself is basically a matter of listening to my instincts. Just listen to yourself. You are your very best friend - but we aren't always taught that. So we are upset when we don't match with what we think we should be. Then we try to change, well - who you are inside, that guy - - He is great. Just be him, and you will be very well liked.

People love confidence, and developing confidence isn't becoming someone, it is accepting the person who is already there.

Also remember, when it is natural and just flows, it is a good thing. When it is uncomfortable, and awkward, it isn't quite right. Just because at first glance you think she MIGHT be someone you want to know better - she could also be someone who you don't want to get to know better. Just because you are interested in someone at first glance, doesn't mean they will be good for YOUR soul. You have to treat others as you wish to be treated BUT you also must expect others to treat you back just as well.

Hugs, best of luck to you! (sorry if I said more then I should, I am missing my adult sons).

I like the way you think

[divine1966]

If she appears to be type of person who shames and ridicules others then you probably better off not talking to her. In my experience adults don't shame others if others are awkward or unattractive. How would it look? Like she'd laugh in your face? Or call you names? I can't imagine

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[Shadix]

Ok, it is very rare for a adults ridicule people openly to their face, it is more of something that takes place in gossip between friends. Whether she is the type who would do that, I don't know. She seems pretty nice, but you never know.

However, I will admit the main issue isn't a fear of her ridiculing me, it is more that I have an internalized sense of shame about approaching girls. I feel like from a young age, I have been socialized to believe that undesirable men who approach women are pathetic and creepy. This has probably been mainly through the media and through social interactions. Couple this with my natural social anxiety and slow processing speed and you get someone who finds it almost impossible to approach girls.

Of course, I don't necessarily think of myself as undesirable, I just think I might be if I don't say all the right things or if I happen to not be looking my best on the particular day. Basically it just puts a lot of extra pressure on.

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by Shadix

Ok, it is very rare for a adults ridicule people openly to their face, it is more of something that takes place in gossip between friends. Whether she is the type who would do that, I don't know. She seems pretty nice, but you never know.

However, I will admit the main issue isn't a fear of her ridiculing me, it is more that I have an internalized sense of shame about approaching girls. I feel like from a young age, I have been socialized to believe that undesirable men who approach women are pathetic and creepy. This has probably been mainly through the media and through social interactions. Couple this with my natural social anxiety and slow processing speed and you get someone who finds it almost impossible to approach girls.

Of course, I don't necessarily think of myself as undesirable, I just think I might be if I don't say all the right things or if I happen to not be looking my best on the particular day. Basically it just puts a lot of extra pressure on.

When she saw you looking, and she waved and said hi - it was because you didn't creep her out. Girls make decisions quick. If she sized you up, and felt the creepy feeling, she would have looked away.

I think your concerns suggest more interactions with members of the opposite gender would be healthy for you - but perhaps in a more structured setting. I am wondering if you could take a class - like scuba lessons or dancing, or cooking - or something that would expand your own knowledge and interests, while putting you together with females - so interacting could become more comfortable.

You pressure yourself too much, and put to much emphasis on your concerns, instead of just liking, loving, embracing yourself for the great guy you are. Work on that.

[Artchic528]

Once again, you are putting WAAAAAAAAAAY to much emphasis on what other people think. I have told you that it's none of your business what other people think, that you needn't worry about that at all if you act according to your morals and values.

So, just stop thinking. It'll do ya a world of good Shadix.