How much longer?

I don't know how my bf can live with me. Somedays even I can't live with me. We went out last night, had a good time, came home with a couple of DVDs... and then a wave of depression hit me, really strongly. It took half an hour for me to stop crying, and I was fighting it the whole time. When we went to sleep later, I think I scared him because I was crying out in my sleep, which I've never done before.

He's really good, he holds me, tries to make me smile and turn it around, and knows not to leave me alone when it gets really bad, and doesn't press me as to why this happens (after a year of "I don't know!" answers). But surely everyone has their limit?

I'm so so scared that he's going to get sick of it and go. I don't think I'd hold it against him. I'm trying so so hard to win this time, going to counselling etc religiously, trying to address my thought patterns, improve my self esteem, even seriously considering going to meds (which I'm trying to hold off on as long as I'm still able to go to uni) etc etc, but obviously there's no overnight cure. He's the only boy I've ever loved, I know he won't necessarily be around forever, but if we split I don't want it to be because of my depression....

So how long do I have, do you think? How much can one person take? When I'm not down, we're good. We talk about stuff, hang out, take turns with cooking and housework, I don't think I nag him or anything, our sex life is relatively healthy, and I try to give him as much space as he needs. He probably has to deal with things like last night about once every one or two weeks, since I try to only let him see it when I can't help it...

Is sounds like you have yourself a good man. Knowing that you have lots of time...as long as you don't take him for granted...

When you are good...please make sure you tell him in what ways you appreciate and love him...be specific with what he does that you believe makes the difference for you.

This will mean the world to him...at least I know it would to me...

Thanks Direction. I'm feeling a bit better about it now, and my counsellor's suggested he and my sister come along to the session tomorrow, so I guess that will help him realise it's real and that I'm not just making it up.

I'm just scared of screwing this up I guess. Those are good ideas, will try them out more.

Over the weekend we had a small fight about it, caused by a misunderstanding I think, he thought that it was horrible that he was the only thing I got depressed about. What he didn't know, because I hadn't thought to tell him, is that the depression hits, as you guys know, whenever and wherever, at class or at work or at home, and I just didn't relate every single episode to him, so he was getting a sorta one-sided view. I explained it to him, and I think he feels better now. He also said I shouldn't shut myself off so much, and not wait til it got really bad before I told him I was suffering...

I guess I have a better idea where he's coming from now....

(edited to add last two paragraphs)

Thats wonderful that you are both using communication to keep each other informed of how you are feeling. It's so vital to your relationship (regardless of depression or not!). I know it's not always easy to express yourself when feeling low...as the depression lies to you and tells you "what's the point???". You know in your heart there is a very good point to communication!

Wishing you both all the best!

Hugsss
sabby

I think it also sounds like you have a great guy, and you should tell him how much you appreciate him like Direction said. It's hard to keep such good communication in any relationship, so you're doing great. Don't wait for the moment it will be over, just enjoy it now.

On a side note, you should keep considering taking medicines. I was very skeptical about them, but mine has helped me so so much.

Yeah, funny you should say that. My sister came to my counselling session today (my bf was supposed to but something came up last minute so he's coming to the next one on fri) and she said she thinks I should look into it more seriously. I didn't know, but her fiancee had taken them for depression in the past, and they helped lift her mood until she finished therapy. So my counsellor is making a doc's appt with me to discuss properly and see what the options are.

I'm scared, but something's telling me it's the right thing to do...

(((((((((((((((((((( meander ))))))))))))))))))))

I can understand your fear of taking meds. Many times we don't want to think or say "oh, just medicate it will be fine". But I do believe that meds can help and it doesn't mean you have to be on them for life necessarily. I've been on meds a few times for depression/anxiety. Once I've felt that I've gotten through the worst of it, I taper myself off (with doctors approval) and most times I find I'm doing well without them.

You are doing the right thing by keeping an open mind about your self care. I'm proud of you for doing that! Wishing you much sucess hon!

Hugsss
sabby

I take a very low dose of something and have for 4 years. I do not like it -- but I have a return to crying jags when I try to wean myself, after I get to a certain point . . . there's nothing normal about that, either.