[LeeeLeee]

This is a preliminary post to what will eventually become a social group. Please feel to read this thread and share your experience if you can
somehow relate. Let me know if it would help you to have a place for a safe discussion on this controversial topic, and what ways you need help.

So, I was involved with a married man for a few years. We broke up in December of 2015 after discovering yet another big lie he told. Shocker..
What did I expect right? There are tons of questions I've asked myself which are right in line with the anger about people recovering from my situation.
Most people want us dead, say that we don't deserve anything, that we are going to burn in hell.. nothing but hate...and very rarely offer the help
that we need to see ourselves clearly so that we don't create these situations in our lives.

We were never discovered. His wife will probably never find out, and he can continue living his life, screwing around with countless others
(as I recently discovered.)

Although we had no plans to run away together, for him to leave his family, or for me to be open with my family and friends about the true nature
of our relationship, this breakup was the MOST devastating experience I've ever had. It almost literally killed me when I discovered what a real
sleaze he truly is, in stark contrast to the way he always represented himself, telling me in the beginning that I was the only "other" one,
knowing I wouldn't want to participate in his so-called if he was actually just trying to play the field with anyone who came along. He would
talk about how grateful he is, how his wife would probably thank me, how he had unspoken "permission" because of his wife's issues with sex. (She suffers
from vaginismus.) He made himself seem so innocent and good. Over time his story changed and he confessed to having many relationships "on line."

I vacillated in the beginning feeling it was so wrong but our connection was deep and so loving. When you get sucked in what seems like a Karmic connection, it is hard to let go. He was always so available. He would TELL his wife he was going away with me. We didn't ever have to hide or lie, he never asked me to conceal my activities and he didn't seem to do that either on various social media. He felt like a normal boyfriend. We would go away for the weekend, sleep together, everything you
could do with a normal boyfriend.

Over time, I found myself needing to keep boundaries but he seemed to have none. He would invite me to his home when his family was away... Um... NO. He
would invite me to his home for the holidays. I wasn't going to hang around pretending to be a friend to his wife or allow him to dangle me in her face.
I began to see that he was trying to hurt her and after awhile noticed he seemed to want to hurt me also, by dangling other women in MY face, despite assuring me I was the only person he was having an intimate sexual relationship with. My nerves were constantly rattled and he seemed to
enjoy that. Why should stick around for all that???? Why did I?

Since the breakup I've been in therapy, went through varying degrees of "no contact" and finally cut him out completely. The greater work of therapy has been to truly understand why I created this situation for myself and it's been eye-opening discovering all the secrets of my childhood emotional
development and attachment style. Some of it has made my hair stand on end.

The good news is: I will NEVER be involved with a married or unavailable man EVER AGAIN. And if
anything good is going to come out of this, it would be to help other people like me who need help GETTING OUT and being less open to these
toxic relationships make irreversible change within themselves. I've been inspired to possibly go back to school at middle age, I'm creating all kinds of music. It's just painful... still.

Some days are hard, even now. Despite what I know now, I miss who I thought he was. I miss all the fun times we had and being me is just hard sometimes because I have no one in my real-time life to talk to about this but my therapist and the people on this forum. Sigh.

Thanks for listening. Feel free to comment or share, just no bashing please. My intention is to heal myself and share my experience to help others.

Thanks for reading.

[LacunaCoiler]

I have no experience in areas like this so my only question whenever I hear something like this is how did you not expect him to be a sleaze to you when he was being a sleaze to his wife? That's just something I never got and am not judging in any means.

Anywho, I do want to applaud you for seeking help and following through with it. Like you said, it's for the better and you really do sound like you're shining through all of this and are looking for a better tomorrow.

I know my opinion really doesn't matter, but I do think you should go back to school and continue to make music! It's to better yourself and anything to better yourself is worth doing.

Again, congrats on your moving on and your getting better!

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry for your pain.

I feel it's a huge assumption to think/say that everyone entangled in an affair is a "sleaze." People are very complex and some of the most ethical, most loving and compassionate people I know have been challenged with decisions around extramarital affairs -- and for many different reasons.

I vote for bypassing the judgment and moving forward with healing.

Please consider all you have learned in therapy, as to why you were vulnerable to an "unavailable man," so you don't need to repeat this pattern. It's in the past now.

This was, undoubtedly, a hurtful experience for everyone -- you, his wife, him, etc. Everyone deserves compassion.

You can choose to move forward with your healing -- and with your life.


WC

[LeeeLeee]

I'm still so angry with him. I don't feel like a victim anymore but I'm angry with him for being so manipulative and slightly sadistic. Throughout this whole thing I cared more about his wife's feelings than he did! Grrrr.

So the next layer is to apply compassion and remember that he was acting out of pain too.

thanks for the reminder WC

sincerely lele

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Crazy Hitch]

The only one I feel for right now is his wife. Shame.

[LeeeLeee]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

The only one I feel for right now is his wife. Shame.

You're right, it is a shame. This is going to sound odd coming from me but I feel for his wife too and I did the entire time which is how I finally got the real story out of him. It took everything I have not to go and tell her but the truth is, I don't know that she doesn't already know. I don't believe it's my place to interfere any further. If I could undo it all, I would.

My T helped me to see that I should completely, in every aspect, remove myself from the whole situation. I was mentally spinning my wheels trying to think of ways to make things right and honorable with him. I can neither stop him from what he does, nor is it "helping" her for ME to tell her.

I'm still working through all these feelings of shame and anger. And, yes, I feel for her too, as I do for all the women he is manipulating.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I appreciate your honesty.

I have been the other one not knowing and one knowing. Both very short term and i was a teenager, not that it makes it any "better".

Now I'm on the other end. Not married no kids, thankfully. Just very co- dependent and emotionally.. Weak?

The other didn't know but knew. I hate her and feel for her. Such a mixture.

He's the one to blame 1000% and i remind myself of that daily.

People can be incredibly manipulative.

Very painful situation. On the brighter side, I think the dynamics demonstrate that affairs with people who are married are unhealthy. I hope your future relationships are with people that aren't already committed to another. Don't sell yourself short. xo

PS: Your T sounds great. Her advice to completely remove yourself from it all is good advice. You'll heal faster. Every time a door closes, a new one opens. xo

[LeeeLeee]

Just so it's clear. I regret it. I HATED being that person. My personal goal is understand WHY I allowed myself to go there. I had never done anything like that before and if there is any living proof that relationships with married people are harmful, I can attest.

I'm hoping to create a safe place to talk about this phenomenon of once being "the mistress" or "other woman" or "other man, with the intention of helping people END the affairs they are involved in, recover from the trauma and ultimately understand themselves so they aren't available to toxic relationships.

I'm exploring, with the help of my therapist and reading this forum, what leads to this role in someone's infidelity, how self abandonment leads to a sense of internal negotiation to enjoy even the most basic every day experiences, and how larger experiences, such as romantic relationships, being parents, or having a new job are even more complicated for people living in a state of Self-Abandonment.

This phenomenon of being the "other" is so much more complex and deserves more attention in the self-help community. So far, the vast majority of resources seem like a gathering place to publicly shame someone who comes clean and wants to heal, to slap a scarlet letter on someone and damn them to hell.

To anyone involved with married or otherwise committed people, lets help you steer toward a healthier path away from that person and the sad life and on to a brighter path you can feel proud of.