[warpedlogic]

Hey all,

I just found this site today while searching for help with my situation, and I was hoping I'd find that help here. I'm sorry it's long, but I've been going though a lot.

I've been married to my wife for 2.5 years, and we've been together for nearly a decade. Ever since we've gotten married, but especially since our son was born (23 months), our relationship has been very rocky and I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. It first started when she brought up talking about any purchases over $50 (except for gifts for each other) since we have a joint account and she wants to know what we're spending money on. Religiously I let her know when I want to get anything, to the point that it starts becoming more of a permission seeking thing as in if I tell her I'm getting something and she doesn't like it she'll say I can't get it and is angry if I get it anyway. Then she goes out and spends a lot to get her teeth fixed, without even letting me know. This is the start of this particular issue. If I get something without telling her, all hell breaks loose and this isn't the last time she spends a lot without letting me know either.

Then she tells me I can't be friends with this girl, who I consider my best friend, that I've known for just about 20 years now. I told her that's not going to happen and she breaks out the old 'it's me or her' cliche, and I just told her 'both' and went for a walk. Now I can't talk to her or text her when my wife is around because she gets very angry, so I'm feeling like I'm doing something wrong and hiding a friendship from her. So I try to find a guy friend that I can hang out with, but she got very jealous of that too. I was texting him and she ripped the phone out of my hand and started texting him to get a picture. WTF?! Fine, I don't have anything to hide and she's probably just wants to see it's not a girl, so what ever. Then she starts putting him down and jokingly saying he's gay and accusing him of wanting to do things with me. Eventually, this guy and I are supposed to go see a movie and she gets upset both when I tell her what day and the day that it's going to be. I left, and she was distressed. Whatever. I haven't talked to this guy since.

Another issue is that she has no problems with her going out with her friends, but if I want to go out and do something myself then I get flack. Whenever I want to do something, I always get 'does it have to be this weekend?' or 'does it have to be today?' to the point that I usually put off things I want to do for weeks such as getting my hair cut, getting new shoes, or whatever.

Most recently, she's been blowing up at things when I don't go along with what she wants. Case in point: this passed Friday, we went to her aunt's retirement bond fire at the beach. She was going to get there early since she was off work, but our son slept longer than usual causing her to not go when she wanted. She called and asked me what I thought about meeting at a store and take one car. I was ok with that, but this store is about 10 min from our apartment. I suggested just meeting at home since it was only a 10 min difference and her tone changed to angry and she asked why I can't just do it. Yet at the same time, it's ok for her to offer alternatives when I make suggestions.

I know what I'm going to get asked: have I talked to her about this yet? The answer is more complicated and a little history is in order. She doesn't do anything around the house. When we were dating, I talked to her about it several times for her to change for a week and then drop back into her old habits. I eventually decided it wasn't worth being bitter over as I can clean the house and have no problems with it. Since we've been married, I've tried talking to her about this stuff a couple times, but she always makes me feel bad for bringing it up, saying I'm the one who is being mean, attacking her, being insensitive, and even said once that I'm always making excuses and not doing enough for the family.

I feel like I'm going crazy, and am on the edge of losing my cool. I hope someone can help me cope as I have no one else to talk to about this.

Thanks in advance.

[Skeezyks]

Hello warpedlogic: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your concerns, I don't know as I would have much to offer in the way of coping strategies. To my way of thinking "coping" in a situation such as you describe simply means allowing your wife to continue to treat you the way she does & figuring out some way of putting up with it. From my perspective that is neither healthy nor sustainable. Ideally, I suppose, the two of you might see a marriage counselor. Or, assuming your wife is unwilling, you might consider seeking some individual therapy for yourself. (This, of course, may be advisable for your wife as well.)

What strikes me with regard to what you wrote is that this is a matter of boundaries. You are going to have to decide what you are & are not willing to accept, enunciate those boundaries clearly & enforce them. Otherwise, from what you wrote, it sounds as though you simply become a door mat. If you're not sure how to do this, there are good videos on YouTube related to establishing & enforcing personal boundaries. One interesting one I watched recently was a video of an interview of Brene Brown:

California therapist, Kati Morton also has some interesting videos, on her YouTube channel, regarding boundaries & handling difficult people.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[djb92]

I am hugely drawn toward the idea of both people having their own bank accounts in relationships, and maybe one shared account. Can you get your own and have direct deposit sent there? Also, for anyone about to get married, please please do a prenuptial agreement.

It sounds like she is working a lot and is either controlling or she is wearing herself out and redirecting the stress onto you and what you're doing during the day. Her being a slob is about the last thing that looks wrong -- she is either really miserable at her job, something has her off her rocker, or she is a control freak and you are taking the brunt of it. I don't know which, so I dunno what to tell you. Sounds miserable. I'm sure the kid doesn't care for it either.

[divine1966]

Was she always this way? People don't really change for the worse that much. Why did you two got married in the first place? Sounds like awful match honestly

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[Bill3]

From what you have described I see your wife as controlling and abusive. I am particularly struck by the way she demand that you separate from your friends, and how she objects to you exercising the most basic freedoms to make your own choices. You are an accomodating guy and so you don't want to argue with her about each situation, but the result of that is to allow her to control pretty much every aspect of your life. Is that what you want? Is that healthy for your son to observe? I wonder if, in your childhood, adults in the house were so unpleasant when they did not get their way that you learned not to express your own views and to go along with pretty much anything they wanted.

You might want to look into websites that discuss abusive wives, such as:

10 Run-As-Fast-As-You-Can Signs Of An Abusive Relationship | YourTango

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/200...otional-bully/

I agree with Skeezyks: Have you thought about discussing your marriage with a therapist? I think you would find value in that, but you would need to anticipate that your wife will be violently opposed to you having contact with anyone outside of her control. Marriage counseling would be helpful if she would go and take it seriously, but I am skeptical that she would. I would favor individual counseling, with the idea of figuring out how you ended up in this situation and helping you learn how to establish and maintain boundaries.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by warpedlogic

Hey all,

I just found this site today while searching for help with my situation, and I was hoping I'd find that help here. I'm sorry it's long, but I've been going though a lot.

I've been married to my wife for 2.5 years, and we've been together for nearly a decade. Ever since we've gotten married, but especially since our son was born (23 months), our relationship has been very rocky and I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. It first started when she brought up talking about any purchases over $50 (except for gifts for each other) since we have a joint account and she wants to know what we're spending money on. Religiously I let her know when I want to get anything, to the point that it starts becoming more of a permission seeking thing as in if I tell her I'm getting something and she doesn't like it she'll say I can't get it and is angry if I get it anyway. Then she goes out and spends a lot to get her teeth fixed, without even letting me know. This is the start of this particular issue. If I get something without telling her, all hell breaks loose and this isn't the last time she spends a lot without letting me know either.

Then she tells me I can't be friends with this girl, who I consider my best friend, that I've known for just about 20 years now. I told her that's not going to happen and she breaks out the old 'it's me or her' cliche, and I just told her 'both' and went for a walk. Now I can't talk to her or text her when my wife is around because she gets very angry, so I'm feeling like I'm doing something wrong and hiding a friendship from her. So I try to find a guy friend that I can hang out with, but she got very jealous of that too. I was texting him and she ripped the phone out of my hand and started texting him to get a picture. WTF?! Fine, I don't have anything to hide and she's probably just wants to see it's not a girl, so what ever. Then she starts putting him down and jokingly saying he's gay and accusing him of wanting to do things with me. Eventually, this guy and I are supposed to go see a movie and she gets upset both when I tell her what day and the day that it's going to be. I left, and she was distressed. Whatever. I haven't talked to this guy since.

Another issue is that she has no problems with her going out with her friends, but if I want to go out and do something myself then I get flack. Whenever I want to do something, I always get 'does it have to be this weekend?' or 'does it have to be today?' to the point that I usually put off things I want to do for weeks such as getting my hair cut, getting new shoes, or whatever.

Most recently, she's been blowing up at things when I don't go along with what she wants. Case in point: this passed Friday, we went to her aunt's retirement bond fire at the beach. She was going to get there early since she was off work, but our son slept longer than usual causing her to not go when she wanted. She called and asked me what I thought about meeting at a store and take one car. I was ok with that, but this store is about 10 min from our apartment. I suggested just meeting at home since it was only a 10 min difference and her tone changed to angry and she asked why I can't just do it. Yet at the same time, it's ok for her to offer alternatives when I make suggestions.

I know what I'm going to get asked: have I talked to her about this yet? The answer is more complicated and a little history is in order. She doesn't do anything around the house. When we were dating, I talked to her about it several times for her to change for a week and then drop back into her old habits. I eventually decided it wasn't worth being bitter over as I can clean the house and have no problems with it. Since we've been married, I've tried talking to her about this stuff a couple times, but she always makes me feel bad for bringing it up, saying I'm the one who is being mean, attacking her, being insensitive, and even said once that I'm always making excuses and not doing enough for the family.

I feel like I'm going crazy, and am on the edge of losing my cool. I hope someone can help me cope as I have no one else to talk to about this.

Thanks in advance.

Controlling person, that's what comes to mind first of all. It is not about finances or anything like who your friends are or any other subject that she chooses. In EVERYTHING you've pointed out, it's about controlling you. Controlling how YOU spend money, how much you get to have, who you are friends with and imposing her schedule and desires on you in spite of your needs and wants at the time. Nothing of her behavior is out of support, care, or anything related ot loving you as a husband.

Probably out of lack of control she feels in herself, this is really not a relevant point, as no matter what the motivator her behavior is wrong.

I fail to believe that this is a behavior that is new, though I can understand that perhaps for some reason it has escalated to the point where you are seeing it more clearly and/or it's gotten to an unbearable level, but as much of the control she is trying to exert in this relationship it's hard to believe it JUST started.

All that said, you cannot allow this to happen. I can guarantee with almost 100% certainty that this will not only continue if you do but will get worse, more of your own freedoms will be lost and you will end up in a place where you mostly are immobile, helpless and unable to do much of anything. I speak from experience and have lived with a wife that was the same for 14 yrs. We finally separated and she's back to get her own life in order before divorce but I see so clearly now how she is.

The same things came up that you mention here. It was about other women, friends or otherwise - her rule against my having female friends was imposed upon me. She controlled the money much like you say you are and I was given basically what was an allowance like a child and everything we did, was on HER terms and I mostly had no choice in those matters.

Over time what happened to me, and take this as a warning. I went along with her and gave in. I didn't have much passion, I lost a lot of feelings for her, for life, for anything really and only when she left and I had to find my own footing did I realize how little independence I had over that period. I didn't know what I was doing, left with two boys to care for alone, and working with my finances now entirely in my own control. it was tough but I learned how. I still am not out of the woods but it's been a growing experience.

I say all my story merely so you know this is NOT coming out of left field from someone that has not seen the same as you, walked in your shoes, etc.

YOU MUST NIP THIS IN THE BUD. Exert your independence, autonomy and stand up for yourself now. Do not wait, do not dilly dally, make the change now. I will not say whether or not she is a great wife for you in my view or not, that is not my place but I will say that if you allow her overly controlling tendencies run amuck you will only see that side of her in time. Many people who have these tendencies can be great partners when with someone that just doesn't bend to their every whim. If you want this to work you have to be the one to balance that in the relationship by forcing yourself to stand up against anything that forces you to sacrifice your freedom beyond what is required in a healthy relationship. Some sacrifice is necessary but not when you give up the freedoms you should have as an adult on equal footing with your partner. It is not equal right now and you're the only one that can make that happen

Keep bending to her will and it will not change. it will be tough but you have to assert yourself now.

Please take my word, I am only trying to help, and I hope I have...

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Yea this sounds terrible. Stand up for yourself. Talk to her about therapy. She has issues there

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