[ojroo]

hi, i need some advice when it comes to my younger sister. first let me start with my situation so you can understand the circumstances. My older brother died in a car crash a year ago and over night I became the oldest, which comes with all the responsibility and making sure they are well and nothing happens to them. My older brother was one of few whom she could talk to and listen to and the main male adult figure in her life, since our father has never been a father, it has been up to myself and my older brother to be (older brother/dad) to our younger sister and brother. Now since his passing i've had to act more and more like a dad rather than a brother, because shes 14 and at an age where shes developing into a young lady and more importantly she's starting to rebel. She doesn't listen to me or our mother, rarely helps around the house and is in an aweful mood most of the time,only to change when she wants something. I often fight with her because she doesn't do anything to contribute to the family(whether taking out the garbage,cleaning her room, being nicer,etc.). I press her to help around the house because after losing our older brother i want us to want to help each other. So as a family we're more together rather than just looking after ourselves. I have tried to talk to her about it but she just shuts be away "your not my father, go away, shut up, %#@&#! you". My mother knows that my sister is difficult but avoids confrontation so we don't fight, because she's already lost a son and doesn't want to fight anymore. Does anyone have any advice, please?

it sounds as if her grief, for your brother, is coming out in acting out and anger.

has she talked about losing him at all? do you talk about it, as a family? or one on one?

if she could get some help, a therapist, she could talk to someone objective. in the meantime, approach it, in your mind, from that point, that she may be so grief=stricken that she knows no other way to express herself........

good luck, xoxox pat

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there Ojroo -- I agree with Pat. It sounds like she may be acting out her grief and that it might be good for her to talk with a counselor. Sometimes counseling is available through the schools, so perhaps your mother can help arrange that if it is available.

What do you think would happen if you stopped nagging her to do her share?

One thing my T has helped me to see is that people need rewards when they do things that are meet our needs; praising my mother (who is in her 80s by the way) when she is supportive has helped change our relationship. Perhaps you can look for little things that she may do -- setting the table, leaving her dishes in the sink -- and praise her for it (even if it doesn't seem like nearly enough). It will get her in the habit of getting a reward for good, helpful behaviors.

[ojroo]

to pat: yes, she has seen 2 therapists but she won't really talk a lot about him and i've tried having the therapist push the subject but my sister avoids it and won't discuss it and i don't want to force her to say anything they doesn't want to say. i don't want to make it seem like she hasn't talked about him at all but yes i do agree it has to do with my brother.

wants2fly: the thing is she doesn't even clear the dishes, set the table and if we ask her she gets defensive and says shes doesn't want to and walks out of the room and thats when i have to tell her to do it rather than ask her. finally she gives in but stalks off to her room.

i just wish she was more cooperative and that she didn't get to me to that much. thanks for the advice.

it is a tremendous burden upon you to have to assume the "father" role in the family. have you talked to your mother about this?

do you have a therapist? i think, after going over this in my mind, that you might be the one in the family who would really benefit from seeing someone......

it would be hard for a young man to be "everything to everyone"....you need some time for yourself and specifically time that you aren't "fathering" people........xoxox pat

[sabby]

ojroo - First of all, Welcome to PC. I'm glad you are here.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your brother. I'm sure it's been difficult on everyone in the family. Grieving takes on many faces for everyone. We all grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time. Some of us try hard to find things to keep ourselves busy, looking for ways to make up for the loss to others (what you are doing) and others lash out in anger and despair for they don't know how else to channel their grief.

Being 14yrs old is difficult for a lot of kids without the added loss of a loved one. So many emotions already welling up inside. Lost between being a kid and wanting so much to be an adult.

One thing that came to my mind as I read your post was that maybe you can engage your sister in other ways right now. Instead of trying to get her to help with the everyday chores, maybe you can ask her for her advice on a topic or situation. This would let her know that you value her in more ways than just helping out around the house. As an example, "Hey sis, I'm having trouble deciding on *insert idea here* and I was wondering if you would give me your thoughts on it".

The other thought I had was to find some ways to have fun with her. What does she like to do? Is there something that the family can do together that would be fun? Going for walks, going to the park, riding bikes, seeing a movie, making popcorn and renting a flick that she wants to see, having some of her friends over, going swimming, etc etc.

Letting your sister know that she is a valued person with valuable feelings both good and bad is one way to try to connect with her. It won't happen over night, but I think it will work to your advantage and show her that she is part of the family. In time, you will find that she will want to join in on the family chores and get togethers. And it will also bring an amount of respect for herself and for the rest of you.

I applaud you for your efforts in wanting to help and to reach your sister. Please remember to take good care of YOU also. Your feelings and emotions are very important too.

I wish you all well.

*Gentle Hugs*
sabby

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Ojroo -- How very callous of me not to offer my sincere sympathy on the loss of your brother. Due to your focus on your sister, that quite escaped my attention. I am sure that you must be hurting, too, from this awful loss.

I think Sabau has hit the nail of the head -- it is time for self-care for you. It is not easy being a teenager (if I recall at all correctly), and you are assuming a lot of responsibilities. I hope you can get some counseling for yourself, too. It can be so helpful just to be able to talk with a sympathetic someone for a bit.

I also think Sabau has some wise ideas about you might engage your sister more constructively.

Best wishes with all this. You will keep us posted, won't you?