Some advice on my boyfriend would be nice :)

Okaaay, I guess I could use feedback on this one. I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now..we both go to college together, and we've been home from school since May. When we first started dating at school, he told me that his best friend at home is a girl, who we'll call Jane. He described his relationship with her as "very unique", because I stated to him that I found it weird that they have shared beds together, since I wouldn't be caught dead in a bed alone with one of my good male friends (lol) ...but he insisted that they are just best friends. I suppose this caused a bit of insecurity on my part before the summer even began, but the real trouble has been lately. I've met this girl once all summer and it was unintentionally . Since I live about 40 minutes from him, I see him about two days a week. The other five days of the week he's spending his time with her. I.E. today: within the hour I left his house to go back to my house, she was already heading over to his house. (thank you AIM for this information) Well, this upcoming weekend, he will be spending the entire weekend with her at some beach house 3 hours away. I don't know what I should feel, I trust him completely, but I'm still really bothered by it. I guess I'm jealous that they spend far more time together than we do and I'm sure that they have a stronger relationship together...and I find it odd that I've only met her once the entire summer, considering the amount of time they spend together, you think I'd be around her more...any advice would be great, I'm just really confused.

My ex-husband always had to keep another woman in my face (we were about your ages at the time) -- who presumably were just friends. Many were.

But when he and I broke up and he had a new wife, my X and were still friends -- and he cheated on the new wife with me.

Even if no sex is involved between your bf and his female friend, this is not a good sign, IMHO. You see where you stand with him -- he spends more time with her. Why aren't you invited to the beach house? Is this what you want?

Thank you for the response....the beach house is her invitation from her to him..neither of them asked me to go. I never want to come off as the "psycho jealous girlfriend" who is constantly worrying, but this is ridiculous to me and I just feel insignificant since their relationship is stronger.

psycho jealous girlfriend. . .I doubt it. Sounds to me like he has the "college girlfriend" and "summer girlfriend" lined up just fine however.

so from the sounds of all this, it really doesn't sound like it's only a deep friendship? He claims they've never hooked up, so I don't know what to believe. I feel like my naivety is really gonna kick me in the *** one of these days because I trust too easily. (and it would make sense as to why they aren't together now since her school is 2 hours away.)

Yeah well, hooking up isn't the only determining factor in intimacy sweetheart. My husband and I didn't "hook up" till our wedding night, but we were plenty intimate with one another, and I'm not talking sex stuff. Sharing our hearts, our dreams, stuff like that is what I'm talking about. Adn it seems, he does that with her.

I don't think anyone here thinks you're stupid. . .maybe a bit innocent and naive, but we've all been there to some degree. Take the advice for what it's worth. . .most of these ladies are pretty good at giving it.

thank you...and now I find this (ironically as I write to you all for advice), lyrics of a sappy (not well known song) in her profile, and he played the same song for me yesterday asking if I liked it because he loves it. With my warped brain, I'm telling myself she just put it there cause she likes the song and it doesn't relate to him, but that most likely is not the case. It was on an entourage episode last week..(and of course it's their ritual to watch it every week)...So that's going beyond friendship for me...I now think I have to back off slowly, but it's hard because we have the same circle of friends at school...lovely senior year at college this will be for me.

Hi, Trac,
I am going to suggest you play an imaginary game right now and reverse the situation. What IF YOU were the one doing this...having a summer boyfriend with whom you share a bed, telling your college boyfriend you're just good friends, and going on vacations with this summer boy. You wouldn't do that, would you? And you would know this wouldn't be right for the relationship with the college boy, not moral, not honest, and even hurtful to him. This is what this boy is doing to you!
If you were my daughter, I"d be trying to persuade you to end this relationship with the college boyfriend, and no apologies or explanations are necessary from you! He has played you, and he has been emotionally cruel!
Do the best thing for you, sweetie!
Patty

well they shared beds before I came along, if that makes any difference..but who am I kidding? Thank you so much though. I don't know how I'm going to go about this since I won't know how to explain it really, but I've been getting these anxious, bad vibes for the past few weeks and didn't know why. I suppose now I know what it stems from.

Yes...I think you know the reality of this not a good sign otherwise you wouldn't have posted in the first place...

Hope for the best prepare for the best and have a candid conversation with him about how his hanging out with his friend who is a girl...if he doesn't understand why you would have a problem with it...you just learned something about the value he places on the relationship he has with you and with her...

Candid assertive conversation doesn't equal aggressively attacking him about this...

TraMac.....Whether or not there is anything fishy going on with either of them, the fact that you feel slighted and left out and hurt means a lot.

Go with your gut instinct. What is it telling you? If it is telling you there really is nothing more than platonic friendship between them, you then need to decide if this is something you are willing to deal with or not. If you are not feeling comfortable about it, then you need to do what you feel is right for you in this situation.

Regardless of what their relationship is all about, what matters is how you feel about it, and in turn how you want to deal with it.

Six months with a person really is not a long time to be together and learn about one another. I think his actions are telling you that he is much more connected with his friend....no matter what that connection truly is.

I wish you well and hope you come up with something that YOU feel comfortable with.

Hugsss
sabby

i most certainly agree with direction and sabby. take their advice for their words are wise.

recluse1

Ah thank you all..that point came to me while trying to sleep last night...If he has a better connection and relationship with her, then why am I even around watching myself be second best (only being first in the college experience)? I try to keep telling myself for these past four months that I'm overreacting and it's just a friendship, but I can't help the anxious feelings I get whenever I know they are together just hanging out in his room. I know what I need to do now even if it looks extremely bad on my part Thanks again to everyone who responded.

Hang in there TraMac.....you will find bigger and better things as you move along in your experiences. I wish you much happiness.

Hugsss
sabby

What do you think is going to "look bad"? That you aren't living up to some standard of open-mindedness that has been set by the bf? You get to set your own standards for appropriate behavior, and perhaps it is he who is looking bad to a lot of us here.

Hugs and hugs.

Wants2fly has stated my thoughts exactly!
Patty